Are You All Sitting Comfortbold Two Square On Your Botties?

Then I'll begin....

So starts the second half of Ogden's Nut Gone Flake, one of the greatest albums ever made.

As well as having the Small Faces at their peak, mixing mod, musichall and rock stompers together, the second half of the album is a concept piece narrated by one of my stranger heroes, Stanley Unwin.

Unwin famously jabbered in his own language, Unwinese, and his utterances on the second half of Ogden's are wonderful.

I can't accurately annotate his contributions, but this comes from Wikipedia:

Unwinese, also known as "Basic Engly Twentyfido" - probably a reference to Charles Kay Ogden's 1930 work "Basic English", which strips the language down to 8509 words, was a special, ornamented and mangled form of English in which many of the words were corrupted in a playful and humorous way. Unwin’s performances could be hilarious yet disorienting although the meaning and context were always conveyed in a disguised and picturesque style.

Unwinese was very poetic in the way it alluded to its subject – e.g. Elvis Presley and his contemporaries are described as having ‘wasp-waist and swivel-hippy’ – and it was often punctuated with moments of clarity and directness to accentuate the ‘nonsense’ – e.g. ‘Deep joy!’ ‘Oh yes’.

Unwin claimed his gift came from his mother, who once told him that on the way home she had "falolloped over and grazed her kneeclabbers". This phrase eventually turned up in one of Unwin's monologues, Goldiloppers and the Three Bearloders.

I've just purchased Unwin's first album, Rotatey Diskers With Unwin, and it's fabulous. And available from Amazon for less than £3. At that price, it's a steal.

Unwin's website can be seen here.

And my favourite piece of Unwin trivia: He is buried in the churchyard at Long Buckby, with wife Frances, who pre-deceased him. Their gravestone has the epitaph, "Reunitey in the heavenly-bode – Deep Joy".

Friday Ten - My Ten Favourite Beatles Songs (At This Precise Moment In Time)

1 - Strawberry Fields Forever

 

2 - A Day In The Life

 

3 - While My Guitar Gently Weeps

 

4 - I Am The Walrus

 

5 - All You Need Is Love

 

6 - Dear Prudence

 

7 - Come Together

 

8 - Norwegian Wood (This Bird Has Flown)

 

9 - Twist and Shout

 

10 - Please Please Me

Birthday Wishes....

....To my Faither, who turned 50 today.

The Sixteenth Groanin' Jock Lyrical Challenge

It's been a VERY long time (eight months to be exact) since the last instalment of the Groanin' Jock Lyrical Challenge.

Neepheid was the winner on that occasion, correctly identifying two of the tracks. Answers are now on the comments on that post.

So now, here are the five mystery lyrics for you to identify. Simply name the artist and track - answers in the comments, no Googling!

1. Well your railroad gate, you know I just can't jump it.

2. "Look out the left," the captain said, "The lights down there, that's where we'll land."

3. I got the pulsating rhythmical remedy.

4. Temperature's rising, fever is high, can't see no future, can't see no sky.

5. The pack on my back is aching, the straps seem to cut me like a knife.

Desert Island Discs

As seen at Cedric M. Kippers' Magically Bored - The Desert Island Discs challenge.

Rule number 1. You only have room for 25 albums.

Rule number 2. You can only name one album per band.

Rule number 3. They have to be named in order.

Rule number 4. Greatest Hits or compilations are invalid.

So without further ado (or any ado at all) here is the list of 25 records I'd take with me to listen to until the end of my days.

25 - The Cooper Temple Clause - See This Through and Leave

24 - Supergrass - In It For The Money

23 - Gomez - Liquid Skin

22 - Powderfinger - Vulture Street

21 - The Charlatans - The Charlatans

20 - Primal Scream - Exterminator

19 - Michael Jackson - Thriller

18 - The Smiths - The Queen Is Dead

17 - The Jam - Sound Affects

16 - Elbow - ASleep In The Back

15 - The Libertines - Up The Bracket

14 - Radiohead - OK Computer

13 - Arctic Monkeys - Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not

12 - The Doors - The Doors

11 - The Bluetones - Return To The Last Chance Saloon

10 - The Coral - The Coral

9 - Small Faces - Ogden's Nut Gone Flake

8 - John Lennon - Imagine

7 - Bob Dylan - Highway 61 Revisited

6 - Stereophonics - Word Gets Around

5 - Oasis - Definitely Maybe

4 - The Beatles - Magical Mystery Tour

3 - Super Furry Animals - Radiator

2 - Nirvana - Nevermind

1 - The Stone Roses - The Stone Roses

This isn't the list of my 25 favourite albums - there would be at least another six Beatles albums, and others by Nirvana, Oasis, The Stone Roses and Radiohead if it was. I couldn't elevate a single Rolling Stones album, or any of the records by Pink Floyd, The Who, The Jimi Hendrix Experience or David Bowie to my top 25, and even Red Hot Chili Peppers, Muse, Coldplay and The Verve fail to make the cut.

Now, I throw the challenge open to everyone else - what would be the 25 records you would take with you to a desert island?

Keep On Walking

Fantastic commercial for Johnnie Walker starring Robert Carlyle.

As seen on another blog that I would link to if it wasn't open to invited guests only.

Sunday Soul: Stevie Wonder - Superstition

Live from Sesame Street!

Signed Shearer Shirt

A tad optimistic methinks....

Down and Out?

With Mrs Wife visiting a friend in Inverness this afternoon, I'm home alone to watch the Scotland v Macedonia match.

It's a must-win match - and even a win is no guarantee that we can finish second in a fairly average group.

The team selection hardly fills me with confidence - Stephen McManus hasn't played a game this season, Davie Weir is 39, Graham Alexander isn't international class, Kenny Miller is pish.

There's a lot of responsibility on the shoulders of Messrs McFadden and D Fletcher. Whether they can reach the top of their respective games today - wildly exciting attacking play and solid midfield combatism - remains to be seen, but for Scotland to win will require a determined performance from all of the (so far) misfiring team.

Then we just have to beat Holland....

Home Alone

Thanks to rain of Biblical proprtions yesterday - it was raining heavily when I got up at 6.15am, was still chucking down when I got home at 5.30pm, was absolutely belting down when I went to bed at 10pm and continued through the night - I am stuck at home.

Despite the fact that we're in one of the wettest parts of the world, our rail system can't cope with the water, and all trains are cancelled or severely delayed.

Which means that I'm "working from home" today, which means that I'm working in significantly greater comfort than I'm used to.

For a start, I'm in jeans, a jumper and thick woolly socks. NME TV is on in the background. I can eat what I like when I like.

And I'm realising once again that there's no way I could ever work from home permanently - I just don't have the discipline. I need to be in an air-conditioned office wearing proper work clothes to get me in the work frame of mind.

Still, one day isn't going to hurt.

Cradle Snatchers

It was a shock this afternoon when news broke that Chelsea have been banned from signing players until January 2011.

To me, and my fellow football-following colleagues, it was an unexpected announcement - none of us could remember hearing about the case before today, and none of us had heard of Gael Kakuta.

(I'd be willing to wager that even most Chelsea "fans" were oblivious to his existence until today.)

It's a brave step by FIFA, banning one of the world's richest (but not necessarily biggest and definitely not most successful) clubs from adding to their already formidable squad for the next 18 months.

It also explains why Chelsea were so quick to secure key players like John Terry and Ashley Cole to new long-term deals in the past week. But it does raise question marks over why they didn't rush out and sign new players ahead of the ban.

None of the players the club was linked with this summer made the move to Stamford Bridge, leaving Carlo Ancelotti with the same squad as that left behind by Guus Hiddink.

That's not necessarily a massive hardship - they're still a formidable force and one of the English game's most powerful clubs.

But all it would take would be a serious injury or loss of form from one or two of the club's key players and they could find themselves on the slide.

Aside from the hardship to Chelsea, I think that FIFA's decision shows that it does at least have some balls. If it won't simply stand by and watch clubs mercilessly plunder others of their homegrown talent, perhaps we'll see gradual shifts in the balance of power.

I'm not expecting Brechin City or Montrose to be up challenging the Old Firm any time soon (even if there have been a few players from the Angus clubs who have made the step up to the Premier League in recent years, including Andy Webster).

But if smaller clubs can nurture their talented players without having to fear that they will be snatched by a bigger club as soon as they show that they're special, maybe we will see those with better youth systems make more progress than they do now.

Amongst the potential beneficiaries are Hibs and Rangers, who have both produced a fair dose of Scottish internationals in recent years.

But no doubt Chelsea will appeal, money will talk and the status quo will remain.

So The Story Begins....

After 20-odd years of procrastinating, laziness, writer's block and various other excuses, I have attempted to start writing some fiction.

Whether this will take the form of a short story or novel, I haven't decided yet.

It took me around five hours, on and off, to write around 500 words. Which, to someone who writes a 50-page report every week, and who used to fill a whole newspaper single-handedly in three days, seems terribly and painfully slow.

And now that the first 500 words has been committed to paper (or to .doc anyway), I'm pretty much convinced that most of it is utter shit.

I bet Enid Blyton never had it this hard.

Walt Disney Marvel At That

Disney's acquisition of Marvel Comics yesterday for USD 4 billion has, unsurprisingly, seen a lot of people get their Spiderman pants in a twist at the prospect of the world's most sugary sweet company taking control of some of the biggest superhero names.

But that's the wrong viewpoint to take. Few companies on Earth have the global marketing reach that Disney does. Fewer still are so well represented across so many media - cartoons, live action shows, movies, comics, toys, computer games, theme parks and every form of merchandising tie-in under the sun.

Marvel can only benefit from having that kind of financial and marketing muscle behind it.

But almost immediately, some sections of the interweb went into overdrive at the prospect of Mickey Mouse joining the X-Men, Spider-Man joining forces with Donald Duck and Goofy facing Hulk.

However, Disney has a history not just with its own core characters, but in branches of popular culture one wouldn't normally associate with Uncle Walt's empire.

Quite aside from Disney's own Pirates of the Carribbean franchise, what a lot of the denizens of the blogosphere appear to have overlooked is that Disney also owns Mirmax Films. A quick scan of the list of films released by Miramax throws up:

Reservoir Dogs (Extended scenes of torture and graphic violence)

Pulp Fiction (Homosexual rape, gimps, violence, drug overdoses and so on)

Trainspotting (Heroin abuse, violence, sex)

Dogma (Alanis Morrissette as God)

The Talented Mr Ripley (Homosexuality, murder)

Bridget Jones's Diary (Sex, and one woman's obsessions with it. Oblique references to anal sex.)

Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back (Non-PC humour of almost every kind)

Gangs of New York (Violence)

Kill Bill (Yet more violence)

Clerks 2 (Bestiality amongst other attractions)

No Country For Old Men (Crazy serial killer cutting a swathe across America)

There Will Be Blood (Probably nothing too objectional, but hardly standard "Disney" fare)

and so on.

Disney hasn't bought Marvel because it wants to publish comics. And it hasn't bought Marvel so it can mess about with comics. If anything, the additional cash behind Marvel may enable it to publish more comics.

Sure, we might see a Pirates of the Caribbean series appear on Marvel in the future. But a Fantastic Four/Minnie Mouse crossover isn't going to be on the cards.

What the deal will enable Marvel to do is keep on doing what it does - publishing the best comics starring the best characters. Batman and The Joker aside, all of the best characters from the two main comic publishing houses are owned by Marvel. And now they have the financial backing to grow further.

But if Disney hasn't bought Marvel for its comics, why do the deal in the first place?

Because it now has access to 70 years of history - from Stan Lee's original Spider-Man and Fantastic Four comics onwards. The movie versions of Spider-Man and X-Men were huge box office smashes, while Fantastic Four and the Hulk have also performed fairly well.

Disney can add its considerable financial and movie muscle to this vast history (once current movie deals for Spider-Man, Iron Man, Hulk and Fantastic Four expire).

All in all, it seems to be a good deal for both parties.

And if Wolverine does get to make Bambi into venison with those claws?I'd watch that...

Return Of The Mark

It's been a good long while since I actually wrote anything worthwhile on this farflung outpost of the worldwide interweb.

(Some might say I've never written anything worthwhile on this farflung outpost of the worldwide interweb, and they'd probably be right.)

For far too long now, all I've been posting here are links, photographs and videos that amuse or entertain me.

I'm not entirely sure when the rot set in. I've just had no inspiration to put pen to paper (or fingers to keys) and write anything here for a few months. It's not from lack of potential material - in the last few weeks I've been to London, Bute, Oslo and Inveraray. I've seen a sensational performance of Waiting For Godot starring Ian McKellen and Patrick Stewart. I've stood on the roof of St Paul's Cathedral. I've been the to the top of Besseggen. I've sung Elvis songs onstage at a wedding reception and Pulp songs in a Rothesay pub.

But for some reason, none of this has tempted me into adding new posts here. Maybe because I spend a long working week writing, I can't be bothered firing up the laptop and churning out more tripe.

Maybe I'm like Austin Powers and simply missing my mojo. I've long harboured ambitions of writing a novel, but every idea I have seems already to have been done. And if I can't write a couple of hundred words as a blog post, what hope do I have of writing something more substantial?

So I guess that I should start with baby steps - actually writing real posts here instead of simply posting photographs of people taking the piss out of Neil Lennon.

I very much doubt that anyone is still checking in here at all - if I can't be bothered stopping by, I doubt anyone else is. So I may be writing this to myself. But hey, baby steps....

George Burley's Leaving Do - Exclusive Picture

It was announced last night that George Burley's contract as Scotland football manager had been cancelled with immediate effect by the SFA.

 

An impromptu leaving party was held, as this exclusive picture shows.

Fine Effort

 

Footballers On Facebook

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Rio Ferdinand: going to hit the Amsterdam cafes before the game, who's in?
Gareth Barry likes this
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Bobby Zamora rejected Phil Brown's friend request
Fraizer Campbell rejected Phil Brown's friend request
Marc-Antoine Fortune rejected Phil Brown's friend request
Michael Owen rejected Phil Brown's friend request
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Arsene Wenger is not worried about his lack of transfers this summer as he has internal solutions 1 hour ago

Alexander Song Billong likes this
Visakri Diaby likes this
Denilson likes this
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Joleon Lescott has to go to work tomorrow : ( 13 minutes ago

Craig Bellamy has joined the group Money is ruining football

- Benjani likes this
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Alberto Aquilani: Oh no! I've just had my new house robbed!!!
Steven Gerrard, Jerzy Dudek, John-Arne Riise, Lucas Leiva, Dirk Kuyt, Peter Crouch, Jose Reina and Daniel Agger like this

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Sat'day random drinks n' antics LOLZ

Ledley King has been tagged
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Ashley C can't find his fone, can some1 give it a buzz for us?

Jermaine Jenas likes this
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Roque Santa Cruz is looking forward to starting on Saturday

Craig Bellamy is looking forward to starting on Saturday

Carlos Tevez is looking forward to starting on Saturday

Emmanuel Adebayor is looking forward to starting on Saturday

Robinho is looking forward to starting on Saturday

Benjani is looking forward to starting on Saturday

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Joleon Lescott became a fan of money.

Gareth Barry likes this
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Marcus Bent is hoping to start at Old Trafford - 1 hour ago
Sir Alex Ferguson Likes This.
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Andy Goram became friends with Andy Goram
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Jamie Redknapp is literally on facebook
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Frank Lampard is LOLing at Stevie G - 3 hours ago 3 comments

-Steven Gerrard ****** off Lamps

-Rio Ferdinand oi oi epic banter lads

-Steven Gerrard did he dedicate the banter to his Mum
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Mike Ashley My evil plan is almost complete.
Niall Quinn & Peter Reid like this.
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Glen Johnson is looking at new toilet seats in B&Q
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Tomas Rosisky is fit and loving life! can't wait for the new season 1 week ago

Tomas Rosisky is depressed
3 days ago
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Samir Nasri is watching Top Gear on Dave. Cheers Abou
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David Moyes is skint

Mark Hughes likes this
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Didier Drogba poked Jens Lehmann 3 years ago

Jens Lehmann went down holding his face

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Rio Ferdinand feels like a prick after his mistake tonight 10 mins ago
Dirk Kuyt likes this
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mark hughes sent jolean lescott invitation to join the group 'Mancity'

invite was rejected

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Steven Gerrard has created a group, "Court, it's fucking easy!"

Eric Cantona does not like this
Joey Barton does not like this

Facebook Fail

 

When I Get To The Bottom I Go Back To The Top

Some men, as they leave their youthful days of drinking and chasing women behind them, develop hobbies - pottering about in the garden, devoting more time to sports, collecting things or building model railways.

 

Taking the last of those hobbies further, John Ivers decided to build his own fully-functional roller coaster in his back garden.

 

There's a fine line between genius and madness....

Sunday Soul: James Brown - If I Ruled The World

Wonder Woman

Megan Fox as Wonder Woman. MmmmmmmHmmmmm.

Monkey Business

And yes, I do know it's an ape, not a monkey.

Home, Home On The Range

Mrs Wife and I have just returned from a hectic few days in London. We had originally booked the trip to see Michael Jackson at the O2, which had been scheduled for Wednesday, but as we'd bought and paid for flights and hotel, we decided to have the holiday anyway.

And, in the space of five days in the capital, we:

• Went to the Comedy Store's improv night, where we were entertained by the hilarious talents of Josie Lawrence, Andy Smart, Lee Simpson, Suki Webster, Richard Vranch and Stephen Frost.
• Dined at the Hard Rock Cafe with Baby Brother and his girlfriend (who had been due to see Jacko's concert with us).
• Visited the Tower of London, Tower Bridge, the London Tombs, St Paul's Cathedral, Covent Garden and Camden Market.
• Took a cruise along the Thames from Westminster to Greenwich.
• Saw Ian McKellen and Patrick Stewart (or Gandalf and Jean Luc Picard or Magneto and Professor Xavier depending on your own personal geek persuasion) in Waiting For Godot at the Theatre Royal.
• Attended, at Mrs Wife's request, We Will Rock You, which wasn't as bad as I had thought it might be.
• Avoided a Biblical downpour by spending £27(!) on cinema tickets for Transformers 2. Which seemed almost identical to the first one, but with more gratuitous shots of Megan Fox's cleavage - ie it was pretty darn good.
• Met up with Mrs Wife's cousin and a friend of mine from my university days that I haven't seen in more than seven years for a boozy afternoon in Theatreland.

All in all, a pretty productive, if tiring, five days.

Time For T

In the next few hours, I'll be setting off, via Falkirk, for T In The Park.

By my own reckoning, this will be my ninth T In The Park, but my first since 2006. While my brain remains free of the imminent alcoholic fug, here are my thoughts on each of the previous eight I've attended.

1997: My first festival, and T In The Park's first at Balado, near Kinross. My two friends and I take scandalously little drink and are generally unprepared for what awaits us. Highlights include Saturday headliners Kula Shaker and The Charlatans, while the weekend ends with a second tent jam-packed for John Squire's post-Roses band The Seahorses.

1998: Saturday's highlights include Audioweb and Super Furry Animals, who are so good that instead of going to see headliners The Prodigy, I instead go to the CD tent, buy a Super Furry Animals bootleg and return to my tent to listen to it. The rain came in the middle of the night and never stopped. My two friends bailed for home mid-afternoon on the Sunday, but I was determined to stick it out, despite the thigh-high mud, just to see Ian Brown. I cadge a lift home from two girls from school and get home around 2am, having been mesmerised by Brown's fantastic performance.

1999: This was my first year attending with folks from uni, one of whom I'll be sharing a tent with this weekend. I can't actually remember too much about what bands I saw, although I do remember Nicky Wire trashing the stage and giving away James Dean Bradfield's white fender guitar after the Manic Street Preachers' headline set.

2000: Mrs Wife (then known as Miss Girlfriend) and one of her friends accompany me to Balado to see Travis, Moby, Ocean Colour Scene and Beth Orton. I have no recollection of rain, but that line-up is hardly the most rock'n'roll, is it? Although I've just looked up the full line-up online and it seems we chose not to see Muse or The Flaming Lips....

2001: The first year in which the three of attending this year went together. Again, my overall recollections are hazy, but I do remember seeing Paul Weller's acoustic set. Having suffered through the whole of Wheatus' horror show, Weller promptly came on stage and started flexing his ego, playing Style Council songs and little-known solo work. Then Noel Gallagher joined in, they played That's Entertainment and everything was right with the world. Stereo MC's were also among the surprisingly fantastic acts.

2002: I left for T In The Park 2002 immediately after graduating, eschewing a night on the piss with my fellow graduands for a night eating cold food in a muddy field. The sound quality at the main stage was woeful, turning Oasis' headline set into a faint swirling noise. It also had the same effect on Primal Scream. Doves and The Cooper Temple Clause were both brilliant though.

By 2003, Mrs Wife and I were saving hard for a trip around the world. And by 2004, we were in Australia.

So by 2005, having returned from foreign climes, I was ready for a return to T In The Park. A huge group of us from Brechin set off together and turned a large part of the campsite into our own compound, cordoned off with yellow and black police tape. One of the most enjoyable Ts in terms of the pre-festival banter, plus the weather held out, which is always a bonus. Yet again, Super Furry Animals and Ian Brown are amongst the bands I see, although Ian Brown throws a strop early on during his set and storms off, having played a few Stone Roses songs. Still a great weekend though.

2006: Mrs Wife (who by this time is the newly-appointed Mrs Wife) again accompanies me, and I'm lucky enough to have a free press pass this time. Sound quality at the main stage again plays an unwelcome part, ruining the Arctic Monkeys and Hard-Fi sets, but The Who more than make up for it.

And, for a variety of reasons (primarily the £200 cost of a ticket and the number of neds) I've not been since.

Who knows what T In The Park 2009 will bring? I'm hoping to see Nick Cave, Jane's Addiction and Blur, but aside from that, the weekend is a blank canvas.

Sunday Soul: Aretha Franklin - Respect

The First Lady of Soul giving a thunderous performance of her signature tune - the faster tempo really makes this version stand out.

An Unwelcome Lift

Today, for the first time in my 29 years roaming the Earth, I found myself stuck in a lift.

Returning from a lunchtime game of five-a-side football, myself and five colleagues decided that, instead of climbing the stairs from the basement of our building, we would take the lift to our second floor office.

Upon entering the lift, just as we were about to begin our ascent, one of my colleagues jumped up and down a few times to shake the lift for a laugh. But in doing so it seemed he tripped a brake.

We had only barely started moving when the lift came to an abrupt halt. Pressing the buttons for any of the building's eight floors had no effect. And so it was with some reluctance that we pressed the alarm button.

The gentleman on the other end assured us that help would be on its way imminently. Which left the six of us crammed in the lift with nothing to do except wait.

Having just returned from a strenuous game of football in a hot sports hall, we were all already sweating before entering the lift. But the enclosed space, which had no air conditioning and little ventilation meant that only a short time elapsed before all six of us were sweating buckets. And shortly after that, condensation started pouring down the elevator's mirrored walls.

The banter flowed freely while we were locked in our tiny metal cell. Although when we began to discuss which of us would be eaten first if we were trapped in the lift overnight, and five of us agreed that we'd start with our small Chinese colleague "because he'd be leanest", I could sense that the colleague in question became just a tad more concerned.

Finally, after what seemed a lifetime, but was only really 25 minutes, the engineer prised the doors opne, allowing us to gulp down some fresh air. And bask in a round of applause from our assembled colleagues.

Leaving the office today, I took the stairs.

Legends Join Forces

Neil Young joined by Paul McCartney during his performance of A Day In The Life at Hyde Park two nights ago.

I was at Neil's Aberdeen concert last week, and it was one of the best I've been at in a long time - even without Macca guesting.

Sunday Soul: Michael Jackson - Billie Jean

It may not, strictly speaking, be soul music, but today's video couldn't be anything else.

Mrs Wife and I were due to see Michael Jackson in concert at the O2 Arena in London in three weeks' time, and I'm absolutely gutted that we'll now never have the chance.

This is the King of Pop's live televised coronation from the Motown 25th birthday party, when he performed the moonwalk for the first time in front of an audience.

You Want To See WHAT?

I've posted fairly frequently in the past on the Google search terms that bring you strange denizens of the worldwide interweb to this far-flung outpost.

Two strange search queries directed punters this way earlier today (click on pictures to make them bigger):

First up, "sniffing sweaty jock cups". Beautiful. Just beautiful. Well man, whatever gets you off...
Then, perhaps even more disturbing:

Seriously, why would anyone want naked pictures of Ian Durrant? This search term has actually popped up here before.

You're a sick bunch....

Friday Ten - My Ten Favourite Michael Jackson Songs

In Memoriam.

 

1: Billie Jean

 

2: Smooth Criminal

 

3: Beat It

 

4: Man In The Mirror

 

5: Bad

 

6: Leave Me Alone

 

7: Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough

 

8: Rockin' Robin

 

9: The Girl Is Mine

 

10: Thriller

A Day At The Circus

Music history is littered with over-reaching statements bearing no relation to hard fact.

 

John Lennon claimed, at the height of The Beatles' fame, that they were bigger than Jesus. Keeping up his own Fabs-robbing legacy, Noel Gallagher later went one better, saying Oasis were bigger than the Messiah's own daddy.

 

Paul Weller, upon hearing that John Peel had declared The White Stripes' Jack White to be "the new Hendrix" responded by saying "That old cunt should know better".

 

And though he was a fictional comedy character, Alan Partridge's assertion that Wings were "the band The Beatles could have been" can never be forgotten.

 

So today, when I state that Take That are as close as this generation may get to having its own Beatles, my tongue is only partially in my cheek. And my second assertion, that Take That are the live band The Beatles could have been, will no doubt be ridiculed.

 

When Mrs Wife's friend had to pull out of attending the last of Take That's three Glasgow concerts on Sunday, I was drafted in as a last minute substitute. I had no qualms about attending, but said all along that I would rather see a genuine fan take the ticket. But when no such fan could be found at such short notice, I made the trip to Hampden, little more than a week before I'm due to go there to see AC/DC.

 

We made the mistake of entering the stadium when the gates opened at 4pm, unaware that opening act Gary Go wasn't due onstage until around 7pm. As a result, we spent far too long standing in the heat and in the midst of a crowd that wasn't so much moshpit as menopause pit.

 

But enough of the preamble - why am I making ridiculous claims that Take That are this generation's Beatles?

 

Firstly, the show itself. Based around a Circus theme, in tribute to the band's latest album of the same name, I have never seen such a vast and complex set up for a gig. I've seen stadium gigs by The Rolling Stones, The Eagles, Bon Jovi, Oasis and U2, but the shows put on by all of those members of the stadium rock elite pale into near insignificance when compared with the sheer scale of Take That's Circus. A troupe of dancers, jugglers, trapeze artists, acrobats, tightrope walkers and other assorted circus performers formed an intricate part of the show. As did a full-size mechanical elephant that rose from the second stage.

 

The opening sequence saw these circus performers take a long walk from the main stage to the second stage, evoking a psychedelic take on a Victorian circus that brought to mind The Beatles' work around 1967 - think Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite turned into a Yellow Submarine-style live action movie and you're getting close.

 

Amongst all this hoo-ha, a vast cloud of balloons made its way to the second stage, and at the crescendo of this introduction, the balloons rose to reveal the four members of Take That dressed in black militaristic uniforms that fell somewhere between those worn by The Beatles on the cover of Sgt Pepper and those sported by My Chemical Romance in their Black Parade phase.

 

And it's that showmanship that leads me to my claim that Take That are the live band The Beatles could have been.

 

If, instead of splitting, The Beatles had gone the way of the Rolling Stones and become a massive globe-touring stadium band, I can imagine that their show, or sections of it at least, would be similar to what Take That put on for Circus - pageantary, the idea of making a show a real event, a huge psychedelic video screen as a backdrop and a lot of matey, self-deprecating banter.

 

So perhaps you'll forgive the comparison - is it so difficult to imagine The Beatles, had history played out differently, playing to a million people in the space of a month on a UK stadium tour, backed by one of the most lavish stages ever built?

 

But that still leaves my second claim unanswered - that Take That, musically, could be as close as this generation will get to a Beatles of its own.

 

First off, I don't mean for a second that Take That have anything like the genius of The Beatles.

 

But few bands ever rise to a stage where they can play to packed stadia night after night. And while there were definitely considerably more women in Hampden last night, there was also a substantial number of men - all of whom, I'd imagine, could probably name 10 or more Take That songs (and, dare I say it, sing along).

 

The only other British band of a similar age group to Take That with the ability to effortlessly fill stadia and have all 55,000 people sing along with their songs is Oasis. But Oasis perhaps don't have the same across the board appeal - you can't imagine two parents taking their primary school age son and daughter to see Oasis, can you?

 

And so it comes to pass that I, a massive Beatles fan who should definitely know better, have just spent a rather lengthy blog post discussing Take That without actually mentioning any of their music - including the rather special Back For Good and Shine, both of which could probably slot fairly comfortably into The Beatles' back catalogue - and reaching the conclusion that they're the post-Millenial Beatles.

 

I'm blaming the Scottish summer sunshine....

Sunday Soul: Sam and Dave - Soul Man

We couldn't have some Sunday Soul without featuring this soul anthem at some point. Cracking live performance from Sam and Dave in Finland where they "are giving it to the grumpy Finns the hard way".

Need For Speed

Classy new advert from Vodafone featuring Lewis Hamilton, Heikki Kovalainen and Barry from EastEnders.

Classy Lady

Click the picture to read the wonderful post from local listings site Gumtree.

Wear It With Pride

In the face of the horrendous news that Nick Griffin's band of fascists has managed to return two Members of the European Parliament, the Royal British Legion has taken him to task for his abuse of the poppy.

(That makes it sound like he has a heroin addiction. He doesn't, at least not so far as I'm aware.)

Back In Blue

Mike, who blogs brilliantly over at Auld Reekie Rants, sent this video of Links Park to me. It's interesting to see how the ground has changed since the year I was born. The worrying observation is that, aside from the replacement of one stand with a more modern version, it hasn't.

Star Man

I'm shamelessly stealing this from another blog (which I can't link to, as it's open to a select few only.

If you ever think that your daily commute takes too long, this might put the distance in perspective.

Sunday Soul: Nina Simone - Ain't Got No - I Got Life

I'm loving this live version of Nina Simone's classic Ain't Got No - I Got Life, which includes a funkier rhythm and the lady herself on hammond organ while singing about her boobies.

Not Approved

Now featuring on Disapproving Rabbits - Mrs Wife's twin destroyers of the Dungroanin' furniture, Dylan and Pepper.

Best of British

Xfm has published its list of the 100 greatest British songs.

 

Before I start on a rant, I acknowledge that all such lists are entirely subjective and essentially pointless.

 

But I'm a man, I'm a geek, I'm a lover of lists and I'm a music snob.

 

So, to the list. Oasis take the top three spots, perhaps giving an indication as to the voters' demographic.

 

The Beatles don't feature until number 18, and then with Hey Jude.

 

They don't feature again until number 31, with Come Together.

 

Feeder and Snow Patrol both feature. Queen don't. (I'm no fan of Queen, but I would have thought Bohemian Rhapsody might have made the list).

 

Should The Jimi Hendrix Experience feature, given that two thirds of their members were British?

 

I realise that by even commenting on the list, I'm validating it. But it all just seems so wrong.

 

Incidentally, here's my Top Ten:

 

1. Strawberry Fields Forever - The Beatles

 

2. Here It Comes - Doves

 

3. While My Guitar Gently Weeps - The Beatles

 

4. 20th Century Boy - T.Rex

 

5. Paranoid Android - Radiohead

 

6. Made of Stone - The Stone Roses

 

7. All You Need Is Love - The Beatles

 

8. Supersonic - Oasis

 

9. The Devil Walks In The Sand - The Cooper Temple Clause

 

10. The White Room - Cream

 

So, having found fault with the inclusion of Feeder and Snow Patrol in the list, I stick Doves, T.Rex and The Cooper Temple Clause in the Top Ten. But that's because I'm right.

Terminated

I'm no businessman - I like the security of a full-time job and a guaranteed pay cheque at the end of each month.

But I think I'm savvy enough to know that, when naming a company, it's probably best not to name your business after the fictional company from one of the largest film franchises in movie history.

A quick search for the Cyberdyne - the company from the Terminator films that is ultimately responsible for creating Skynet, which builds the titular robots - reveals that several firms around the world share their name with the fictional entity.

There's Cyberdyne Gauges, based in New Eagle, PA. (The ONE by which ALL of the others WILL BE GAUGED!)

Then there's Cyberdyne Systems, a software consultancy firm based in England.

Then, finally, there's the Japanese Cyberdyne, which, worryingly is building robotic suits....

Just A Rock Band

This trailer for Rock Band: The Beatles is a bit special.

Sunday Soul: Bill Withers - Ain't No Sunshine

Please Contribute!

I've been hammering posts out at this farflung outpost of the worldwide interweb for a few years now, and hopefully I've kept some of you entertained during that time.

With that in mind, I'd be very appreciative if you could all find it within yourselves to purchase this ludicrously extravagant 20th anniversary edition of the greatest album ever - The Stone Roses' debut - on my behalf.

All contributions gratefully received!

A Touch Of Class

Champions

I Have No Shame

Those of you who visit this humble outpost of the worldwide interweb on a regular basis (have you nothing better to do?) may recall that I am no fan of erstwhile Celtic and Wales striker John Hartson.

In this post, I placed him third in my list of most disliked Mhanky Mhob players. And in this one, I compared his dazzling good looks to those of the fatally wounded Darth Vader when he removes his mask at the end of Return Of The Jedi.

But last night, on a night out for Mrs Wife's birthday, we were in the VIP bar at Fat Sam's in Dundee, where our fellow drinkers were Rangers midfielder Charlie Adam and Hartson, the latter presumably in the City of Discovery for punditry duties at today's clash between Dundee United and Rangers.

Anyway, I clearly have no shame, as here I am with Hartson. It's very rare that I'm the thinnest person in any photograph, especially when the other person is a recently retired professional athlete:

Friday Ten - The Ten Best Football Matches I've Ever Been To

1: Rangers 3-1 Aberdeen, Ibrox, April 28 1996 (Rangers come from behind to beat Aberdeen through a Paul Gascoigne hat-trick to win the Premier League.)

2: Real Madrid 2-1 Bayer Leverkusen, Hampden, May 15 2002 (The Champions League final that was lit up by Zinedine Zidane's match-winning volley.)

3: Brechin City 6-4 Rangers, Glebe Park, April 29 1991 (The first game I ever attended, a testimonial for Brechin's Dougie Scott in which Ian Durrant scored a penalty and Mark Walters also played.)

4: Brechin City 1-2 Hearts, Glebe Park, August 19 1992 (1903 fans cram into Glebe Park to watch high-flying Brechin score a dramatic equaliser against Premier League Hearts, only for John Robertson to grab a late, and cruel, winner.)

5: Nottingham Forest 3-2 Bristol City, City Ground, April 11 2008 (Stunning match that saw Forest come from behind twice before Dexter Blackstock's injury time winner to push the club towards safety from relegation.)

6: Rangers 4-0 Celtic, Ibrox, March 26 2000 (Rangers romp to victory over a piss-poor Celtic side with two goals from Jorg Albertz and one each from Andrei Kanchelskis and Giovanni van Bronckhorst.)

7: Hibernian 6-2 Hearts, Easter Road, October 22 2000 (A Mixu Paatelainen hat-trick helps Hibs pummel a hapless Hearts side. It's not often you score twice away from home in a derby and still lose.)

8: Rangers 4-0 Raith Rovers, Ibrox, January 13 1996 (It may only have been Raith Rovers, but Brian Laudrup rips the Kirkcaldy side to pieces, although he fails to get on the scoresheet himself.)

9: Everton 2-1 Charlton Athletic, Goodison Park, April 15 2007 (Three goals in the last ten minutes see Everton take the lead, Charlton equalise then James McFadden win the match with a stunning solo effort.)

10: Scotland 0-1 Germany, Ibrox, March 24 1993 (OK, maybe it was no classic, but this international friendly was the first time I saw Scotland play. Duncan Ferguson hit the crossbar with an overhead kick, but Germany won thanks to Karl-Heinz Riedle's goal in the first half.)

Shit Hits The Fan

Whoever said that getting hit by bird shit is lucky has obviously never had such a gift from an Aberdeen seagull.

It's like getting shat on by a flying alsatian.

Turn The Page

I've been reading a lot since I moved from being a car-bound commuter drone to a train-bound commuter drone, and I've tried to get a broad range of reading material - fiction, non-fiction, humour, biography and history.

 

And seeing as how this far-flung outpost of the worldwide interweb is supposed to be an outlet for my opinions, here are my short reviews of the last few tomes I read.

 

Yes We Have No - Nik Cohn: Disappointing travelogue of a tour around "alternative" England, including travellers' camps, National Front members, witches and an Indian boxer. Promised much more than it delivered.

 

Trussed - Shiromi Pinto: Entertaining, fast-paced novel about three intertwined lives - Sri Lankan dominatrix Vinda; her cousin and Elvis impersonator Angel; and bail bondsman Regis. Read in a week and thoroughly entertaining from beginning to end.

 

The Final Whistle? - Harry Reid: Interesting, well-argued look at the problems facing Scottish football and the possible solutions to those problems. A few years old, so some things have changed - Gretna's demise being the most notable. A few strange idiosyncracies in Reid's style, surprising in a former editor of The Herald, were infuriating, but all in all, a worthwhile read for fans of Scottish football.

 

Gangster - Lorenzo Carcaterra: Fantastic novel about New York crime boss Angelo Vestieri's rise from sickly immigrant to the most powerful man in America. Written by the same author who wrote Sleepers, the book followed the standard Godfather/Goodfellas route, but was all the better for it.

 

The Great and Secret Show - Clive Barker: Sprawling fantasy novel recommended by a colleague, who said it's her favourite book. Describes the interwoven lives of people touched by "The Art" - the secret key to unlocking the mysteries of Quiddity, the true heaven. Strong start and finish, but a lull in the middle of a very lengthy novel meant it was a struggle at times. Worth a read, but never going to feature in my favourite books list.

I Thought I Had My Own Key

Now that I've entered the final few months of my 20s, I'm at a curious "man child" stage in my life, or so it seems.

 

There are strange factors of my life that would seem, on the face of things, to be incompatible.

 

I have a mortgage and several pension plans, but I can regularly be seen wearing Oasis, Supergrass, StarWars and Batman t-shirts.

 

I read The Times and an average of one novel or work of non-fiction a week, but also read comics and graphic novels.

 

I spend eight hours a day analysing the worldwide oil and gas industry, examining trends and predicting how things will progress over the next five years. But I know far more about British and European football, and can still recite with relative ease the host nations and finalists of every World Cup since the first competition in 1930.

 

Rather than visit the historic cathedrals and battlefields of the Midlands while on holiday this year, I instead attended two football matches and spent a day on Skegness' fairground rides.

 

What does this all mean? That I'm a well-rounded individual who can leave the office behind at 4.30pm every day and instead immerse myself in the alternate worlds created by Marvel, DC, Nintendo and Sony?

 

Or that I'm a big kid who needs to grow up?

Chicken

I like food, and I like eating.

Coupled with this startling revelation, I'm also lazy, so convenience food features more regularly in my diet than is probably recommended.

Take beans on toast for example - from can and bread bin to stomach in under 10 minutes. Perfect.

But I think that even I would baulk at Whole Chicken In A Can - yep, a whole bird in a massive tin that allegedly cooks in 15 minutes.

America, this is why large portions of the world hate you.

Disgraceful

Here's the video footage of the Kyle Lafferty / Charlie Mulgrew "headbutt".

As much as I thought that Lafferty made a meal of it at the time, even without the benefit of an instant replay, I did think that Mulgrew brought his head forward.

The pair of them should have been booked for handbags at ten paces (or half a pace in this instance). For Lafferty to hit the ground holding his face like that is inexcusable, and I hope Rangers fine him.

I want Rangers to win the league (a dream that just took a step closer to becoming reality thanks to Celtic's 0-0 draw at Hibs), but I want them to do so fairly, not through resorting to cheap tactics like that.

Season 2008/2009: Match 26: Rangers v Aberdeen

I was down in Glasgow yesterday for what will probably have been my last match of the season, Rangers against Aberdeen.

Many people think that the rivalry between Rangers and Celtic is the most heated in world football, and it's certainly up there. But in terms of poisonous atmospheres, it has nothing on this clash.

Within minutes of kick-off, Aberdeen's fans were singing sons glorifying the horrendous tackle that almost ended Ian Durrant's career more than 20 years ago. There is no love lost between the two groups of fans at all, a fact that nearly 20 years of mediocrity for the Sheep Shaggers has done nothing to dilute.

In the run-up to the match, when Rangers moved ahead of Celtic to the top of the SPL a week ago, there were brief thoughts that this could prove to be a title party for Rangers. Had Celtic dropped a point midweek and Rangers beaten Hibs, a win yesterday would have returned the title to Ibrox.

I was at Ibrox in 1996 the last time Rangers won the title by beating Aberdeen at home, when Gazza scored a magnificent hat-trick for a team containing Goram, Gough, McCoist and Laudrup and I had visions of repeating that day yesterday.

Of course, that dream collapsed with a Celtic win and a Rangers draw midweek, but the title chase is still on.

Today's squad has nothing like the quality of that 1996 side - Barry Ferguson in his prime might have made the bench, as would Allan McGregor, and Pedro Mendes might have scraped into the squad, but I doubt that any of the other players currently at Ibrox would have made the starting eleven for that side that secured an eighth title on the bounce.

Ferguson was restored to the squad for yesterday's clash, starting on the bench, his recent injury and the furore surounding his Scotland squad misdemeanours having subsided. Also on the bench were Nacho Novo and John Fleck, Walter Smith opting to start with the KKK trio of Kris Boyd, Kenny Miller and Kyle Lafferty.

It was Lafferty who made the headlines, but for the wrong reasons. The big Ulsterman flew into a challenge on Charlie Mulgrew with his studs up, sending the former Celtic man flying. When both players were back on their feet, there was an exchange of words before Lafferty went down clutching his face. From where I was sitting, it looked as though Mulgrew had moved his head forward, but I was fairly certain there was no contact.

A flurry of text messages from Aberdeen fans of my acquaintance, which included the words "cheat", "embarrassment" and "disgrace" confirmed my suspicions - Lafferty had gone down in a blatant attempt to get his opponent sent off.

He succeeded, Aberdeen reduced to ten men with 72 minutes of the match still to play. With the title chase likely to come down to goal difference, Rangers would never have a better chance to pile on a few goals.

But they were horrendous. The couldn't create anything, with Miller too far wide, Boyd cutting a lonely figure up front and Mendes unable to wield his usual level of control over the ball, and the first half seemed to be dying a slow death when referee Stewart Dougal and linesman Graham Chambers conspiring further to inject a bit of excitement.

Racing into the box, Madjid Bougherra slid into the six-yard box in pursuit of a through ball. His studs caught Aberdeen goalkeeper Jamie Langfield in the face, and the linesman adjudged the challenge to be dangerous play, Dougal giving the big defender his marching orders.

So it was with Steven Whittaker at centre back and Steven Davis at right back that Rangers started the second half.

Again, they failed to make much of an impact, struggling to create much against a resolute Aberdeen defence.

Finally, with an hour gone, Smith introduced Ferguson and Novo in place of Mendes and Boyd, and within seven minutes Rangers were 2-0 up.

The first came when Ricky Foster, at full stretch, turned Kenny Miller's cross from the left beyond Langfield. Then, two minutes later, Miller himself netted from a Nacho Novo cross.

The sense of relief within Ibrox was palpable.

I've been a recent critic of Barry Ferguson's, as I think that he's been a liability, winning a place in the team on reputation rather than merit. There's also a near unbearable arrogance around him, as evidenced by his behaviour when with the Scotland squad.

But his introduction yesterday reinvigorated Rangers, and his passing was more direct than usual, opening up the Aberdeen defence more easily than any of his team mates had found it in the previous hour.

With Rangers two goals up with 20 minutes to play, the chance was there for the Ibrox side to chase more goals in an effort to boost their goal difference.

All such hopes were dashed in the 77th minute when Michael Paton scored a soft goal, the Rangers defence unable to close him down before he could shoot.

Rangers were then faced with a difficult choice - chase more goals and risk conceding again and dropping two points, or shore up at the back and settle for a win, albeit by a single goal.

They opted for the latter, and moved back to the top of the league ahead of Celtic's match today. Should the Mhanky Mhob win against Hibs, they will return to the summit for the start of next Helicopter Sunday.

Do I think Rangers will win the league? Blind optimism says yes, common sense says no. Too many times poor refereeing decisions, odd team selections, poor form and mediocre players have conspired against the club to believe that there will be a dramatic enough swing on the final day.

What's most annoying is that this Celtic team is as poor as its Rangers counterpart. Would any of the players have made it into the teams managed by Tommy Burns, Wim Jansen, Jo Venglos or Martin O'Neill? Scott Brown maybe. Artur Boruc at his peak. Maybe Aiden McGeady.

Financial limitations for both sides have limited the quality of player available to Walter Smith and Gordon Strachan. Rangers' squad looks old, slow and limited in creativity. I would never doubt the work rate of Weir, Papac, Dailly, Bougherra, Miller et al, but their abilities simply aren't up to the standards of previous Rangers teams.

A cutting down of dead wood would probably be on the cards for Rangers this summer were it not for a lack of credible and affordable alternatives.

But, as the song says, no surrender....bring on Helicopter Sunday....

Friday Ten: The Ten Best Love Songs I Can Think Of Right This Second

1: Tightrope - The Stone Roses

 

2: Starlings - Elbow

 

3: Ain't No Sunshine - Bill Withers

 

4: Here, There and Everywhere - The Beatles

 

5: Creep - Radiohead

 

6: Layla - Derek and The Dominoes

 

7: Oh Yoko! - John Lennon

 

8: Angie - The Rolling Stones

 

9: Something - The Beatles

 

10: There Is A Light That Never Goes Out - The Smiths

Phenomenal

Hot Shot Hamish

I'm a bit sore today - our office football team played an 11-a-side match yesterday morning, with yours truly turning out in central midfield.

We only had 11 players, so everyone was forced to play the full 90 minutes. With the wind at our backs in the second half, we took a two-goal lead, both of them coming from my cultured right boot.

The first was a goal that, if David Beckham, Cristiano Ronaldo or Steven Gerrard had scored it, would be repeated ad nausem. Receiving the ball on the edge of the centre circle, I spotted the goalkeeper off his line and sent the ball over his head from somewhere between 40 and 50 yards.

My second was popped into the top corner from the edge of the box, and was captured on camera by Mrs Wife - I'm the blue-shirted player to the left of the defender on the ground:

But with the wind in our faces in the second half, we were unable to capitalise further and ended up losing 4-2.

And now my legs are stiff, my neck is sore and my right foot is swollen from a clash of studs near the end of the match.

But if Fergie needs someone to replace the suspended Darren Fletcher for the Champions League final, I think I should just about be fit. When was the last time Park Ji Sung scored from 40 yards?

Season 2008/2009: Match 25: Montrose v Albion Rovers

Exactly 10 months ago, I attended the first match of Montrose's pre-season campaign, a friendly against Dundee in which they were pumped 3-0.

A lot has happened at the club in the interim - they've had more managers than Newcastle, briefly threatened to reach the play-offs for the second consecutive season and have, on occasion, played some of the best football in Division Three.

It's all been a bit inconsistent though, and for all Montrose's pretty passing football, they don't score enough goals. But there have been indications recently that Steven Tweed is taking them in the right direction.

Anyway, today was Montrose's last match of the season, and neither they nor visitors Albion Rovers had anything to play for. But it seems no-one told the teams that, and they tore into each other at a frantic pace despite torrential rain.

The match had almost everything - three players (all Montrose) stretchered off, a nutmeg for the winning goal and Albion Rovers goalkeeper Jamie Ewings receiving a red card for a second bookable offence.

There was also a tearful farewell for Montrose winger Paul Stewart, who has been told his contract won't be renewed, primarily due to the cost of his travel expenses from the central belt.

How Steven Tweed will rebuild the side this summer remains to be seen - it's understood that the club intends to narrow its search for players to no further south than Perth.

But I am, for the moment, blindly optimistic that Montrose can challenge for the title next season. Christ almighty, if Dumbarton can win it....

Over The Moon

There's showboating, and then there's hitting a free kick like this.

Together Through Life

Well well well....oh well.....

Mrs Wife, myself and our friend Chippy went to see Bob Dylan at the SECC in Glasgow last night. Chippy had seen him before at Stirling Castle back in 2001, but for Mrs Wife and I, it was our first time in the same room as Mr Zimmerman.

I'm a big fan - I've got 20 of his 33 albums - and Mrs Wife knows enough of Dylan's music to be aware which songs are "the big ones".

Chippy and I went along knowing full well that this wasn't going to be a note-perfect rendition of Bob's classics from the 1960s and 1970. We knew that a lot of the songs are unrecognisable until he and the band hit the chorus (and even then some of them remain a mystery). We knew that his voice is essentially buggered beyond repair, although it still sounds vaguely passable on his two most recent albums.

When he and the band arrived on stage slightly later than expected (we had been told he would begin his performance at 7.30pm sharp), Bob burst straight into Maggie's Farm. And it was good. Not "wow that sounds just like the version on Bringing It All Back Home" good, but good enough that we could recognise it.

The band were good. No, correct that, the band were REALLY good - as tight a blues band as you'll ever see. But Bob seems to be enthralled by the country/blues sound at the moment, and each song was twisted to fit that template.

Far be it from me to tell a man who started performing before my parents were born how he should be singing his own songs, but when 12,500 people have shelled out fifty quid each to see you, I'd be of the opinion that you should perform your best-known songs, and perform them in such a way that they're in some way connected to the originals.

Like A Rolling Stone was horrendous. And I think Bob made it harder for himself than he needed to. If he'd stuck to the original arrangement so that the crowd could keep time and sing along, all he'd have needed to do would have been to sing the "How does it feel?" line, and the audience would have drowned him out on the rest. But it was too slow and too bluesed up. Still, at least he played it....

....which is more than can be said for most of his back catalogue. OK, he has 500 or more songs to choose from. And he must be bored of playing some of the older ones. But there were few concessions to history. All Along The Watchtower (which started with the band playing opening bars so thunderous that Chippy and I were both convinced that it was Hurricane) rolled out, and it was one of the highlights of the show, alongside The Ballad of Hollis Brown from The Times They Are A-Changin', which has long been one of my favourite Bob songs.

But. But, but, but, but. There was no It Ain't Me Babe, The Times They Are A Changin', Subterranean Homesick Blues, One Of Us Must Know, Rainy Day Women, Hurricane, Knockin' On Heaven's Door or Mr Tambourine Man.

In the case of the latter, that's probably just as well. Blowin' In The Wind closed the show, and it was the undeniable lowlight, the simple beauty of the acoustic peace anthem ripped to shreds by a band overplaying and a singer-songwriter no longer able to sing.

If any other band or artist mutilated their back catalogue the way Dylan did last night, they'd be pilloried. Imagine if Paul McCartney charged fifty quid a ticket, played two Beatles songs and another two hours of songs from his two most recent albums, all the while singing like a stroke victim. Or if Michael Jackson decides to freshen up his back catalogue at his London shows this summer by giving them a hip-hop overhaul. In either instance, there would be condemnation.

But it seems that with Bob, the very fact that he's a catankerous old bastard, and a living legend, seems to forgive to all sins. I heard countless people leaving the SECC state that the gig had been incredible.

I'm not entirely downhearted - I've seen Dylan. When all is said and done, I can say I've seen the man in the flesh, and heard him perform Like A Rolling Stone and Blowin' In The Wind. If I ever visit the pyramids in Egypt, I'll do so in the knowledge that I won't see Tutankhamun wandering around and lording it over some slaves. And I suppose it's the same with Bob - I didn't go along expecting to see the man at the peak of his powers, but instead just wanted to say I'd been there, just once, when Dylan played in Scotland.

Now I can.

(As a post script, I address this to Bob - If you're charging people fifty quid a ticket to see you, let them take photographs. I had three Group Four security guards tell me that photographs were banned by Bob himself, two tell me to delete photographs I'd already taken (aye, right) and one jump in front of me with his arms outstretched with the express intention of ruining a photo.)

Setting Off On Highway 61

Mrs Wife and I are off to Glasgow to see Bob Dylan today. So I'll leave you with the man at the peak of his powers.

21 Again

It's May Day today, which means it's my Granny's 83rd birthday - Happy Birthday to the world's greatest cook.