Value For Money

  
David Cameron, Prime Minister of the United Kingdom:  Salary £142,500

Angela Merkel, Chancellor of Germany: Salary £177,519 (based on today's exchange rate)

Barack Obama, President of the United States of America: Salary £250,394 (based on today's exchange rate)

Total combined salaries of Cameron, Merkel and Obama: £570,413

Ally McCoist, Manager, Rangers Football Club, Scottish League One: Salary (2012/13 season for Scottish Football League Division Three campaign) £825,000.

Poor Ally is only going to be on around £400,000 for this campaign.

I wonder if Obama could get three points from Rangers' clash with Airdrieonians in January?

Season 2012/2013: Match 17: Montrose 0 Rangers 0 (Irn-Bru Scottish Football League Division Three)

The tale of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde may be more than 100 years old, but the idea of one person having two distinct personalities remains valid today.

Take Montrose Football Club as an example. The last time I saw them, they were thoroughly walloped by a rampant Peterhead side, capitulating with barely even a whimper.

Today they went toe-to-toe with (then) champions elect Rangers, a side wilfully spunking thousands of pounds a week on strikers and the barbaric midfield partnership of Ian Black and Lee McCulloch as they look to steamroller all before them en route back to the top of the Scottish game.

On paper, this should have been no contest. But as I've said before, matches at Links Park aren't played on paper, they're played on a Brillo pad, and anything can happen.

Rangers, missing a few players through injury, started with only one up front, Kane Hemmings given the task of breaking down a creaky Montrose defence.

Montrose, missing Mary Shelley's Paul Lunan through suspension, played trialist Cammy McDonald alongside Alan Campbell at centre back. I actually played with McDonald, formerly at Livingston and Airdrie, in amateur football almost a decade ago, and I can safely say he is the only player who played today that I have nutmegged.*

Anyway, Rangers could have been out of sight early on, David Templeton, once again their best player, coming close on a number of occasions but kept at bay by goalkeeper John Gibson and right back Stephen McNally.

But the longer the match went on, the better Montrose looked. For being a full-time side spending more each week in wages than most SPL sides, Rangers looked distinctly average, and it wouldn't have been easy at first glance to tell which side did football for a living and which did bricklaying, accountancy and office work.

I grew up idolising the Rangers team of Gascoigne, Laudrup, Durrant and McCoist. Not one of the Rangers players today would have got near that squad. It's painful to see Ian Black wearing what used to be Gazza's shirt, an absolutely heartbreaking gulf in class hammered home every time he shanked a pass into touch then blamed someone else. The only miracle was that both he and Terry Masson avoided bookings today.

In fact, the most interesting thing Black did all day was fly into the Montrose dugout headfirst after a challenge. He took a while to emerge, and I feared for a moment or two that he'd been eaten by Big Mad Lee Wilkie and George 'The Animal' Shields.

They may be champions, but this has not been a vintage year for Rangers. They should have romped to the Division Three title, but they aren't even Scotland's first champions of the season, beaten to the punch by Queen of the South in the division above.

Nonetheless, Queen's Park's defeat later in the day meant that Rangers were confirmed as champions in unspectacular fashion. It'll be good to see the back of their travelling pantomime in Division Three, and we can get back to enjoying football for football's sake. The overzealous policing and stewarding at Links Park for both of Rangers' visits this season has been a joke, and the media circus that has followed them has been excruciating to be a part of.

Take today's overheard conversation:

Media Wanker Talking Loudly Into Mobile Phone: "Yeah, so the Rangers team is: [reads out Rangers team into mobile phone. Discusses Rangers formation for five minutes, including players who aren't even in the squad]. Do you want the Montrose teams? I doubt anyone cares. You can get them off ESPN if you want them."

[Person on other end speaks for a few seconds]

MWTLIMP: "Haw haw haw, Montrose are playing a trialist at centre back! This is fucking ridiculous!"

[Person on other end speaks for a few seconds]

MWTLIMP: "No, no idea what his name is, sorry. No-one will care."

Well, I'm guessing that Rangers will care a bit more than that massive bellend did, given that McDonald was probably the most comfortable player on the park, giving an assured and confident performance in the face of the most expensively-assembled squad in SFL history.

The travelling support might have cared a bit more about Martin Boyle as well if his second half goal hadn't been disallowed for a foul on Neil Alexander.

As I was leaving the ground, I heard two Rangers fans in discussion, the gist of which was: "Montrose's number seven should have been sent off. Did you see him celebrating at the end? Obviously a bitter Celtic fan."

Which smacks of the sour grapes more often associated with the green half of Glasgow. A part time player castigated for celebrating a result against the biggest club in Scotland? Get a grip. And for the record, I believe Masson is a Rangers fan.

Montrose looked the better team in the second half, Winter coming close with a couple of long-range efforts, while Lloyd Young and Paul Watson also went close. Rangers could have snatched the win with efforts from Templeton or Hemmings, the latter having a shot well saved by Gibson.

From a Montrose perspective, today was a strong performance, and they didn't look cowed by their more illustrious visitors. Stephen McNally was given a torrid time by Templeton, but persevered, and the defence in general coped well.

From a Rangers perspective, today raises further doubts about the mental toughness of the Rangers squad and the tactical capabilities of its manager. I'm most certainly in the pro-McCoist camp, but when you're held to goalless draws two weeks in a row in Division Three, there are clearly big problems.

If I was in charge at Rangers, I'd be rebuilding that horror show of a defence, keeping only Wallace. Ian Black would be first out of the door - there can rarely have been such a disparity between talent and earnings in the Scottish Football League.

Rangers definitely missed Andy Little, and with him in the team it would probably have been a different story. But the lack of depth in the Rangers squad should definitely be ringing alarm bells.

Man of the Match: For Rangers, it was Templeton, their most creative player by a country mile, shaming his elders Black and McCulloch (again played too deep to make use of his [searches for euphemism for hammer-throwing] combative skills. Templeton's an exciting talent, and learning to cope with the rugged defending at this level will stand him in good stead in future.

For Montrose, all of the players performed. Terry Masson was disciplined on the right in the first half, before moving inside to shackle Black in the second. David Gray kept Montrose's attacking momentum going throughout the match. But for me, Cammy McDonald excelled on his one and only appearance for the Gable Endies, marshalling the defence and keeping Kane Hemmings under wraps throughout, while also seeking the ball at every opportunity and passing with authority.

*Disclaimer: I nutmegged him in training. He emptied me immediately afterwards by way of warning not to do it again.

Season 2012/2013: Match 14: Rangers 1 Montrose 1 (Irn-Bru Scottish Football League Division Three)

Today was a match of strange noises and lack of noises.

The attendance at Ibrox was 46,273, which is 46,000 people more than usually watch Montrose on any given Saturday.

It must be discombobulating for the Jonathan Crawfords and Alan Campbells of this world, to go from playing in front of 12 men, a Maz, three toddlers and a dog, to playing in front of four times as many people as actually live in Montrose.

Today we experienced a round of spontaneous applause in the opening 10 minutes; an eerie minute's silence accompanied by a lone piper's lament in the 54th minute; a ground ringing to the sound of cheers when Rangers opened the scoring just before half time; and a chorus of boos when the final whistle went, Montrose having equalised and secured a point.

Montrose welcomed Martin Boyle back to the club, the current holder of the Ginger Boot back home to get some game time while Barry Smith attempts to unfuck Dundee's season in the SPL.

But with Leighton McIntosh and Garry Wood in good form of late as a striking partnership, Boyle was inserted at right wing, presumably with a view to having him run at Lee Wallace as often as possible.

Which might have been an idea if Montrose had played the ball to him to run onto. But they didn't, and Wallace dragged him out of position as he operated as a wingback.

Jamie Winter also came back into the team, and it appeared that the midfielder had a good festive period, having seemly added an additional couple of stone to his already curvaceous figure during his absence.

Neither side looked particularly good during the first half, and the greatest entertainment was to be found in watching the managers. Ally McCoist bounced between apopleptic rage, weary dismay and enthusiastic encouragement, while Stuart Garden passed the afternoon by engaging in an argument and staring battle with the linesman. When Lee Wilkie is telling you to calm down, you've gone too far.

Rangers took the lead on the verge of half time, David Templeton crossing the ball into the net via the unorthodox route of Jonathan Crawford's leg, which was a shame both for the leg in question and new Montrose goalkeeper John Gibson, as they'd both had a decent enough game up until that point. Crawford's leg was having one of its better games in fact, although I'm not yet sure if that is because Crawford himself has better control of it, or if it has escaped his clutches completely.

Templeton was the best player on the park by a fair margin, but his hard work was frequently let down by the dire situation in the Rangers attack. Francisco Sandaza may not be the worst player I've ever seen in a Rangers jersery ("Hi Nuno Capucho! Hiya pal!"), but he's a long way from being the best. Dean Shiels was unusually quiet as well.

Then we have the midfield. Lee McCulloch and His Enormous Penis were injured today [I should probably state here that I don't know if McCulloch's injury was in any way penis-related], so Rangers started with Kyle Hutton and Lewis MacLeod in central midfield. MacLeod lasted only half an hour before being stretchered off, at which point he was replaced by Ian Black, the (very) poor man's Barry Ferguson.

It should be noted here that I don't intend the Ferguson comparison as a compliment. Black has all of Ferguson's worst qualities - girny pus, bad attitude, delusions of grandeur, superiority complex - but none of the talent. Although he can pass the ball sideways and occasionally hit the post with a free kick, so I suppose there are some similarities.

Anyway, as the match went on, Rangers looked more and more average, and Montrose began to see more of the ball, and more of it in the Rangers half as well. Garry Wood came close with a long-range effort, but the match really changed when Leighton McIntosh went off for David Gray, with Boyle pushed up front to test the Rangers centre backs.

And when the goal came, it was a goal worthy of silencing Ibrox. Gray picked the ball up 25 yards from goal and unleashed a shot that rattled the underside of the bar before bouncing over Alexander's line and in. The Montrose players swarmed to the corner containing their dedicated traveling support, while Rangers' players waited for the ground to open and swallow them up.



Neither side particularly deserved to win today, although Rangers created enough chances to do so several times over. That they didn't will be of particular concern to Rangers' all-time leading goalscorer, currently one of only two Rangers managers never to win a trophy...

Question of the Day: Why were both Ally McCoist and Stuart Garden wearing tracksuits and football boots? Surely unless you plan on joining in the match, you should be in a suit?

Man of the Match: For Rangers, and the match as a whole, it was David Templeton, who was head and shoulders above everyone else on the park, but whose exciting play too often met a dead end in his strike force.

For Montrose, all of the players put in a good shift, but I was particularly impressed with John Gibson, the latest object of affection for the Montrose Goalkeepers Fan Club (Membership: 1 (and that one isn't me)).

Season 2012/2013: Match 12: Montrose 2 Rangers 4 (Irn-Bru Scottish Football League Division Three)

SFL Division Three Manager of the Month for November, Stuart Garden, welcomed Division Three new boys Rangers to Links Park on Saturday, hoping to see the home side extend its unbeaten run to seven matches.

A year ago, that would have sounded like the least likely opening paragraph in Scottish football history. But today the Bizarro World that our national game finds itself in continued to unravel as the end of the world draws near.

For Montrose, a win would have seen them further consolidate their place in the playoff spots in their penultimate home match of 2012, while Rangers were looking to extend their lead at the top of the league.

It felt strange arriving at Links Park today, from the hundreds of police officers milling around the town, to well-kent faces wearing nametags and punting programmes in the streets, to being asked by a strange security guard in a headset "where are you going?" as myself and my Montrose press corps colleague made our way towards the same entrance we have used every fortnight for the past three years.

Once the initial excitement had worn off, and my press corps colleague had restrained me from bounding onto the pitch to ask Messrs McCoist, Hateley and Durrant if I could have my photograph taken with them, it became apparent that this was going to be like every other Montrose match, but with more fannies.

Chief among those fannies were some of the visiting journalists, who seemed most interested in moaning about everything they encountered:

• "There's only wan power point. This is a fucking joke".
• "There's two McIntoshes, two Woods and three Crawfords. Fucksakes".
• "Is there nae teamsheets? Fucksakes".

[Team sheets promptly arrive and are delivered to the well-kent Montrose press corps. Scrum erupts around said press corps. Some members of the travelling press seem to think that photocopied team lines are some mystical item made of unicorn horn and hand-spun angel hair, such is their desperation to grab one].

Montrose fielded an attack-minded line-up, with Garry Wood and Leighton McIntosh up front and Lloyd Young and Ricky McIntosh flanking Jamie Winter and Terry Masson in midfield. The weak point was always likely to be centre back, with Paul Lunan still on the injured list. This meant that Stuart Garden kept faith with Alan Campbell's Arthritic Knees and Jonathan Crawford at centre back, the latter having shaved his head to the wood in order to look less like Napoleon Dynamite when faced with a pair of international strikers.

It was the home side who started brightest, taking the game to their more highly-paid opponents, Garry Wood punting a half volley just over Neil Alexander's crossbar from wide on the right and Jamie Winter honing the sights on his right foot missile system.

But it still came as a shock when Montrose opened the scoring 16 minutes in. McNally's throw-in reached Young in the box, the winger meeting the ball with an exquisite volley that curled over Alexander and into the net.

The Dynamo bounced around with gleeful abandon in front of the global ESPN audience, and it really was game on.

Montrose's lead lasted only six minutes, Lee McCulloch and His Enormous Penis equalising from the spot following McNally's trip on David Templeton.

But despite that, Montrose continued to at least match their visitors, and frequently looked like the better side, with Young and Wood keeping the Rangers defence on its toes. At the other end, Sandy Wood was giving a heroic performance, with a series of pointblank saves that kept Montrose in the match.

Half time arrived with the sides level, and no indication which would prevail. Rangers began to look stronger as the match wore on, and their superiority finally shone through midway through the half.

Two goals in as many minutes saw Kevin Kyle put Rangers ahead, the former Scotland striker sidefooting into the bottom corner from Dean Shiels' pass.

Shiels then turned scorer, firing into the bottom corner after Barrie McKay's great run down the left wing.

But even then, Montrose didn't surrender. A year ago, they would have been dead and buried long before the 75th minute, but this side is made of sterner stuff. That showed when David Gray scored with practically his first touch after coming on as a substitute, firing a sweet half volley over Alexander's head.

Which set the stage for 15 minutes of both sides attacking, Rangers seeking to restore their two-goal advantage, Montrose looking for an equaliser.

Garry Wood came closest, bursting through the Rangers defence and sending a shot over Alexander, only to see the ball crash against the crossbar and rebound to safety. Substitute Scott Johnston also hit the woodwork late on, knocking a shot against the post from a corner.

Rangers gave the result an air of superiority their play hadn't fully merited when Robbie Crawford blasted home in the fifth minute of stoppage time.

Even more so than when they met at Ibrox earlier this season, Montrose can hold their heads high after today's performance. They matched their opponents for all but a crucial five minutes, and frequently bettered them.

At the time of the Ibrox match, I considered myself a neutral, watching the team I grew up supporting play the club I've become a part of over the past five years. Today, I unconsciously found myself rooting for Montrose. It came as a shock to me - I have always been and will always consider myself a Rangers fan.

But watching Montrose week-in, week-out, through thick and thin (or thin and thinner), and seeing them today match far better paid players for 90 minutes, I couldn't help but think that it would be good to see them get the result they deserved.

I still want Rangers to win the title, and to win every game against every other club, but part of me wishes that Montrose had gotten at least a point today.

On a less positive note, the stramash that has kicked off on the internet about the matchday programme is unfortunate. Describing Rangers as a new club looking to win its first trophy this season smacks of pettiness, and was completely unnecessary. For me, it has tarnished Montrose's reputation and has made it look small-minded. It's the first time I've ever felt embarrassed to be associated with an otherwise excellent programme.

Man of the Match: From a Rangers point of view, I liked the look of Templeton and Little today, keeping things moving from the wings, and Kyle Hutton, who had a tough shift being marked by Terry 'The Destroyer' Masson (who was substituted after collecting his inevitable booking).

In the Montrose ranks, there were no major disappointments, although Leighton Mcintosh was largely anonymous. All of the players gave a hard shift, and Garry Wood's workrate couldn't be faulted. On any other day, Lloyd Young would have been my man of the match, a constant menace to the Rangers defence and the scorer of a great goal.

But today I thought that Sandy Wood was immense in goals, pulling off a string of saves to keep Montrose in the match, commanding his defence with authority and even turning auxiliary striker in injury time as Montrose sought an equaliser, much to Stuart Garden's rage.

Season 2012/2013: Match 5: Rangers 4 Montrose 1 (Irn-Bru SFL Division Three)

It was a day of divided loyalties today, with the team I've supported since I was a boy meeting the side I've followed through thick and very thin over the past five years.

Today marked my first visit to Ibrox since Rangers were resurrected in Division Three. The only noticeable change from the SPL days was that the streets around the ground were a bit quieter before the match, but that might be due more to the fact that my esteemed press corps colleague had us in Glasgow at noon for a 3pm kick-off.

But by the time the match got underway, more than 45,000 punters had streamed through the turnstiles. Montrose didn't seem overawed by the occasion, even though for most of their players it was their first experience of playing in front of such a large crowd.

Stuart Garden even had the balls to play two up front, Garry Wood starting up top alongside Leighton McIntosh. Terry Masson (called Terry Mason in the official team lines - I'd put that down to an accident anywhere except Ibrox) lined up alongside Jonathan Crawford in central midfield, Screech deciding that there can never be enough crazy hair on one's head and complementing his jewfro with an ill-advised bumfluff moustache.

Talking of crazy hair, Lloyd Young had had a rush of blood to the head the night before the match and carved his head into weird patterns and formations that were perhaps designed to strike fear into the hearts of Ian Black and Lee McCulloch, but would instead be of more interest to conspiracy theorists and cryptologists, who could surely find some hidden message amongst the swirls.

David Gray played on the right wing in front of Stephen McNally, with Alan Campbell and Paul Lunan at centre back and Ricky McIntosh on the left. David Crawford continued in goals and looked set for a busy afternoon.

In a sensible world, Rangers and their full-time players would have torn Montrose apart at Ibrox. But Montrose battled hard in the early stages, Leighton McIntosh coming close and Garry Wood demonstrating why no-one refers to him as "twinkle-toed Garry Wood" when he got the ball caught in amongst his feet in front of goal.

Even in the first half, it looked as though Alan Campbell's arthritic knees could be Montrose's undoing, with Dean Shiels threatening on a couple of occasions. It therefore came as no shock when the Ulsterman opened the scoring in the 26th minute, bursting past both Campbell and Lunan to fire into the net.

What did come as a shock six minutes later was when Montrose defied the odds to equalise. The visitors won a free kick on the right, David Gray whipped in a cross and either Garry Wood or Rangers right back Anestis Argyriou (possibly the worst player I've ever seen in a Rangers shirt) headed it into the net. Wood wheeled away with a massive grin as though he'd scored it, although my first instinct was to 'award' the goal to Argyriou. Either way, it was a shock, and Ibrox muttered its discontent.

Lowly Montrose therefore disappeared up the tunnel at half time holding Rangers to a draw. The break allowed the members of the Montrose press corps (members: 2) to ponder some of life's big questions:

• Where is Lee Wilkie?
• Why is Stuart Garden wearing shorts?
• Why don't Montrose give the reporters free pies and Bovril?
• Will Terry Masson get sent off or just booked today?
• Seriously, WHAT IS GOING ON WITH LLOYD YOUNG'S HAIR?

The only one we felt we could reliably answer was the first, as we decided that Lee Wilkie had been eaten by Jamie Winter on the team bus. He may also have eaten Jonathan Crawford's fingers, hence the 'midfielder' (I use the term loosely) wearing a stookie for the duration of the match.

It took only nine minutes of the second half for Rangers to move back in front, Lewis MacLeod turning Young and his crazy hair in the box, blasting a shot across Crawford and into the net.

Five minutes later and the match was over as a contest, MacLeod turning provider for McCulloch, the Rangers captain poking the ball under Crawford.

I know it's tantamount to heresy in the current Rangers climate, but I've never been a massive fan of McCulloch's - I think his style of football relies too much on brawn over finesse. Now that he's been elevated to the role of skipper, there's also evidence creeping in that the position is going to his head - there were a couple of occasions where I thought he considered he should get away with things because he's the Rangers captain. Towards the end of the match, he was tripped by Scott Johnston, and the look he gave Montrose's woodpecker/striker suggested something along the lines of "Come within five feet of me again and I'll rip your heid aff you wee prick". It's not something pleasant to see in an experienced professional.

Both sides used all three subs, Rangers bringing on Fraser Aird, Robbie Crawford and Francesco Sandaza, Montrose introducing Jamie Winter ("Ah pure love Sandaza, but I couldnae eat a whole wan"), Scott Johnston and Phil McGuire. Winter was introduced to a rousing reception from Rangers' Blue Order, owing a little to his well-known love of all things Rangers. His first touch was a typically audacious 35-yard free kick that on this instance rocketed high into the Broomloan Stand.

Rangers completed the scoring with eight minutes to go, Crawford side-footing past Crawford while Crawford lumbered around doing nothing useful.

In truth, by the end Montrose were simply trying to keep the score down. I'm sure I saw Alan Campbell arguing with his legs on at least two occasions and giving himself a jump start towards the end, while Paul Lunan decided that if Jamie Winter wasn't going to eat a whole Sandaza, he'd kick it to death instead.

So Montrose could return home with their heads held high. They were beaten but not disgraced, even if they never threatened to spoil Ally McCoist's 50th birthday party. It was always going to be tough on the massive Ibrox pitch in front of 45,000 home fans, especially in the last 20 minutes against full-time players.

The novelty factor alone made it a worthwhile trip - quite how Peterhead in January will compare remains to be seen.

Man of the Match: None of the Montrose players disgraced themselves, and none could be overly disappointed with their performance. Lee Wallace gave Stephen McNally a torrid time down the Montrose right, but Rangers were less effective down the right, with Young and McIntosh generally coping well. The centre backs held the line well throughout the first half, only really toiling as the game entered its last quarter. The midfield was never over-run, which was encouraging given that they were playing against internationals. And Garry Wood was a notable success up front, keeping Emilson Cribari and Ross Perry busy throughout. Overall, I think Montrose's strongest performer was David Gray, helping to keep some of Wallace's runs in check and whipping in a perfect free kick for Montrose to equalise.

Rangers

I grew up a Rangers fan but I stopped going to Rangers games regularly when the SPL was formed and it became glaringly obvious that TV money and the influx of rubbish foreigners had ruined it as a sport.

Up until then, there was a faint belief that other clubs could challenge for titles – in the nine-in-a-row years, Celtic only finished second twice. But when it descended into “who can beat Dunfermline by the biggest margin?”, I rapidly lost interest. (That period also coincided with me starting university, so I had the women, gigs and pubs of Edinburgh to think about instead.)

I’ve heard others say that they just got sick of all the FTP/IRA crap, and didn’t want to take their kids into that kind of atmosphere. It’s something I’d be thinking seriously about over the next few years as well. £50 plus travel, food, programmes and all that gubbins to take my daughter to Ibrox, then have to explain who Bobby Sands was?

Or take her to Montrose on a free season ticket from her school and explain that while I don’t advocate her using the term “Smokey bastards” we do indeed hate Arbroath and she’s never to spend any time with boys from that tinky wee fishing village?

There will be some who have already turned their back on Rangers as this shitstorm has escalated, and while I don’t want to see Rangers die, it would do Scottish football good if some of the busloads of folk from all over Scotland just walked down the road to their local ground.

Right now I’m hoping that:

• Rangers are demoted to Division Three. Celtic fans can bleat on about it not being the same club, that the titles are revoked, whatever. It’ll always be the same club to me, and the titles I saw them win when I was a boy were won legally (so far as anyone knows). Rangers spent far more than the other clubs, but that’s no different to what Chelsea, Man City and PSG are doing elsewhere.
• If the SFA wants punishments to carry over to the new club, so be it. Take everything that is coming. If it’s 30-point deductions, transfer bans, whatever. Suck it up. You cheat, you run the risk of getting caught, you pay the price. Suck it up, do the time, come back with a clear conscience and build a good reputation.
• Rangers fans stop worrying about what Celtic are doing. They’ll win the league for the next 10 or 20 years. Bully for them. Their fans can whoop it up all they like, but surely they’ll all realise how hollow the victories are.
• The TV deal collapses. Good. Scottish football existed before TV, before live football on TV, before Sky. It’ll still exist if Sky walks away. If it means 11 young Scots booting fuck out of each other on the park because they want to play for the jersey, I’m all for it. I’ve got a Sky subscription, and I hardly ever watch Scottish football on it, because the quality is so poor and there’s clearly no real passion.

The SFA/SPL/SFL has been handed a once in a generation chance to fix Scottish football. The onus now is on them not to fuck it up.

If Only It Were Real...

Season 2010/2011: Match 10: Montrose v Arbroath

Some days it's great being a football fan. Days when your team wins, when the sun shines, when you can revel in the camaraderie of your fellow supporters.

And some days it's totally shite being a football fan. Days when you watch your favourite team lose 2-0 at home to their fiercest rivals, sitting alone in a pub drinking £2 pints of Coke because your mate didn't turn up. Then subjecting yourself to freezing conditions while the team you follow week in, week out lose five goals and two men in a local derby.

Aye, some days it's shite being a football fan.

The Old Firm match was crap, neither side truly looked up for it, but the Mhanky Mhob got the win thanks to a brace from greasy Greek Giorgios Samaras. Rangers had the better of the first half but were garbage in the second. Celtic are top of the league but Rangers can leapfrog them by winning their two games in hand.

After that wasted 90 minutes I headed to Links Park for Montrose v Arbroath. A lively game looked like going Montrose's way around 20 minutes in when they had a few chances in quick succession.

But Arbroath scored twice in seven minutes, Montrose had Chris Hegarty sent off and the second half saw an epic collapse. Gordon Pope joined Hegarty in the early bath for a second yellow and the nine-man hosts ended up losing 5-0.

By the end, the Montrose end of the North Sea Nou Camp was nearly empty and Arbroath's fans were bouncing around and taking the piss with gleeful abandon. The visitors were well worthy of their win, although referee Des Roache had an awful match. If Hegarty was sent off for his foul on Gibson, then it was harsh, although the defender did himself no favours by shoving the official out of the road and storming off in a huff.

Pope talked himself into the book for his first yellow card and committed a needless foul for his second.

About the only plus point was Sandy Wood saving a Swankie penalty to deny the striker a hat-trick, then recovering brilliantly to block Danny Griffin's volley from the rebound.

Dire. Absolutely dire. Lots of shouts for Montrose manager Steven Tweed to resign at the final whistle, and he may be losing the crowd irreparably.

Man of the Match: Hahahahahaha. Aye, right. Hegarty might have been worth considering if he'd stayed on the park, as his crosses were looking decent until he was sent off. He might even have made it if he'd given Paul Sheerin or referee Roache a thump on the nose on his way off. I suppose I could give it to Martin Boyle for running around a bit, or Sandy Wood for saving the penalty (that he conceded). Ach, bugger it. Hegarty it is, for emptying Gibson then having a hissy fit that threatened to spark a brawl.

Rangers: The Kenny Dalglish Dream Team Years

Click on the picture to read about Kenny Dalglish's ambitious plans to rebuild Rangers in the mid-1990s.

Database

At yesterday's Montrose match, I found myself sitting beside former Brechin City manger Ian Fleming, who led the club to a title way back in 1982.

Afterwards, I was rummaging around the internet trying to find out how long he was at Glebe Park, when I stumbled upon this site - a database listing every UK post war football transfer, as well as the statistics for each player at each club.

The wealth of information here is astounding - just an idle flick through its pages and pages of data makes it look like the work of several lifetimes.

And a quick dip into the Rangers page makes for interesting reading. Erik Bo Andersen hit 15 goals in 23 appearances; Shota Arveladze 44 in 95; Gordon Durie 44 in 125; Gazza 30 in 74; and Mark Hateley 85 in 165 in his first spell at Ibrox.

I had presumed that Durie scored far more than that, and that Gascoigne had played more games. I was also sure that Hateley had scored more than 100 goals for Rangers, although perhaps the total given is for league goals only.

And Terry Hurlock only played 29 games for the club. He was my first Rangers cult hero - stepping out onto the pitch to inflict GBH on whoever came near him. His description as a "Millwall hardman" should have said it all.

Champions

Disgraceful

Here's the video footage of the Kyle Lafferty / Charlie Mulgrew "headbutt".

As much as I thought that Lafferty made a meal of it at the time, even without the benefit of an instant replay, I did think that Mulgrew brought his head forward.

The pair of them should have been booked for handbags at ten paces (or half a pace in this instance). For Lafferty to hit the ground holding his face like that is inexcusable, and I hope Rangers fine him.

I want Rangers to win the league (a dream that just took a step closer to becoming reality thanks to Celtic's 0-0 draw at Hibs), but I want them to do so fairly, not through resorting to cheap tactics like that.

Season 2008/2009: Match 26: Rangers v Aberdeen

I was down in Glasgow yesterday for what will probably have been my last match of the season, Rangers against Aberdeen.

Many people think that the rivalry between Rangers and Celtic is the most heated in world football, and it's certainly up there. But in terms of poisonous atmospheres, it has nothing on this clash.

Within minutes of kick-off, Aberdeen's fans were singing sons glorifying the horrendous tackle that almost ended Ian Durrant's career more than 20 years ago. There is no love lost between the two groups of fans at all, a fact that nearly 20 years of mediocrity for the Sheep Shaggers has done nothing to dilute.

In the run-up to the match, when Rangers moved ahead of Celtic to the top of the SPL a week ago, there were brief thoughts that this could prove to be a title party for Rangers. Had Celtic dropped a point midweek and Rangers beaten Hibs, a win yesterday would have returned the title to Ibrox.

I was at Ibrox in 1996 the last time Rangers won the title by beating Aberdeen at home, when Gazza scored a magnificent hat-trick for a team containing Goram, Gough, McCoist and Laudrup and I had visions of repeating that day yesterday.

Of course, that dream collapsed with a Celtic win and a Rangers draw midweek, but the title chase is still on.

Today's squad has nothing like the quality of that 1996 side - Barry Ferguson in his prime might have made the bench, as would Allan McGregor, and Pedro Mendes might have scraped into the squad, but I doubt that any of the other players currently at Ibrox would have made the starting eleven for that side that secured an eighth title on the bounce.

Ferguson was restored to the squad for yesterday's clash, starting on the bench, his recent injury and the furore surounding his Scotland squad misdemeanours having subsided. Also on the bench were Nacho Novo and John Fleck, Walter Smith opting to start with the KKK trio of Kris Boyd, Kenny Miller and Kyle Lafferty.

It was Lafferty who made the headlines, but for the wrong reasons. The big Ulsterman flew into a challenge on Charlie Mulgrew with his studs up, sending the former Celtic man flying. When both players were back on their feet, there was an exchange of words before Lafferty went down clutching his face. From where I was sitting, it looked as though Mulgrew had moved his head forward, but I was fairly certain there was no contact.

A flurry of text messages from Aberdeen fans of my acquaintance, which included the words "cheat", "embarrassment" and "disgrace" confirmed my suspicions - Lafferty had gone down in a blatant attempt to get his opponent sent off.

He succeeded, Aberdeen reduced to ten men with 72 minutes of the match still to play. With the title chase likely to come down to goal difference, Rangers would never have a better chance to pile on a few goals.

But they were horrendous. The couldn't create anything, with Miller too far wide, Boyd cutting a lonely figure up front and Mendes unable to wield his usual level of control over the ball, and the first half seemed to be dying a slow death when referee Stewart Dougal and linesman Graham Chambers conspiring further to inject a bit of excitement.

Racing into the box, Madjid Bougherra slid into the six-yard box in pursuit of a through ball. His studs caught Aberdeen goalkeeper Jamie Langfield in the face, and the linesman adjudged the challenge to be dangerous play, Dougal giving the big defender his marching orders.

So it was with Steven Whittaker at centre back and Steven Davis at right back that Rangers started the second half.

Again, they failed to make much of an impact, struggling to create much against a resolute Aberdeen defence.

Finally, with an hour gone, Smith introduced Ferguson and Novo in place of Mendes and Boyd, and within seven minutes Rangers were 2-0 up.

The first came when Ricky Foster, at full stretch, turned Kenny Miller's cross from the left beyond Langfield. Then, two minutes later, Miller himself netted from a Nacho Novo cross.

The sense of relief within Ibrox was palpable.

I've been a recent critic of Barry Ferguson's, as I think that he's been a liability, winning a place in the team on reputation rather than merit. There's also a near unbearable arrogance around him, as evidenced by his behaviour when with the Scotland squad.

But his introduction yesterday reinvigorated Rangers, and his passing was more direct than usual, opening up the Aberdeen defence more easily than any of his team mates had found it in the previous hour.

With Rangers two goals up with 20 minutes to play, the chance was there for the Ibrox side to chase more goals in an effort to boost their goal difference.

All such hopes were dashed in the 77th minute when Michael Paton scored a soft goal, the Rangers defence unable to close him down before he could shoot.

Rangers were then faced with a difficult choice - chase more goals and risk conceding again and dropping two points, or shore up at the back and settle for a win, albeit by a single goal.

They opted for the latter, and moved back to the top of the league ahead of Celtic's match today. Should the Mhanky Mhob win against Hibs, they will return to the summit for the start of next Helicopter Sunday.

Do I think Rangers will win the league? Blind optimism says yes, common sense says no. Too many times poor refereeing decisions, odd team selections, poor form and mediocre players have conspired against the club to believe that there will be a dramatic enough swing on the final day.

What's most annoying is that this Celtic team is as poor as its Rangers counterpart. Would any of the players have made it into the teams managed by Tommy Burns, Wim Jansen, Jo Venglos or Martin O'Neill? Scott Brown maybe. Artur Boruc at his peak. Maybe Aiden McGeady.

Financial limitations for both sides have limited the quality of player available to Walter Smith and Gordon Strachan. Rangers' squad looks old, slow and limited in creativity. I would never doubt the work rate of Weir, Papac, Dailly, Bougherra, Miller et al, but their abilities simply aren't up to the standards of previous Rangers teams.

A cutting down of dead wood would probably be on the cards for Rangers this summer were it not for a lack of credible and affordable alternatives.

But, as the song says, no surrender....bring on Helicopter Sunday....

Season 2008/2009: Match 16: Rangers v Dundee United

I made my first trip of the season to Ibrox today, thanks to the season ticket of a colleague who has moved to our employer's Singapore office.

I'd imagine he was a tad warmer than I was while he watched the match in his equatorial apartment, as it was a biting wind that greeted those hardy souls who turned out to watch Rangers tangle with a Dundee United side accustomed to taking points from the Old Firm.

Rangers were the brighter of the two sides early on, but struggled to break down the stubborn visitors and avoid the linesman's flag.

The line-up sent out by Walter Smith was more attack-minded than that selected in recent weeks, with Kris Boyd, Nacho Novo and John Fleck all starting, though Novo was substituted before half time having sustained what appeared to be a sprained ankle.

Dundee United, probably feeling the effects of Wednesday night's mammoth League Cup semi-final, were nonetheless well organised and coped well with everything Rangers threw at them. The longer the match went on, the more likely it seemed that the Tannadice side would hold on for at least a point.

Then, with barely 15 minutes remaining, the miniscule Fleck burst into the box, where he was hauled to the ground by Mihael Kovacevic. It takes a 17-year-old with considerable cojones to step up to the penalty spot ahead of international strikers, his club captain and players who have been playing professional football since before he was born.

The wee man made no mistake from the spot, slamming his kick to Celtic-bound Lukas Zaluska's right, the keeper diving the wrong way. So now I can say I was there when one of the most highly-regarded youngsters in British football scored his first Rangers goal.

Kyle Lafferty added a late second as Dundee United left massive gaps at the back while pursuing an equaliser.

It wasn't an astute performance from Rangers, with an apparently gifted side toiling against a determined defence, and a lack of vision shown by a midfield that should be oozing creativity. Plus points were the performances of Bougherra, Fleck and Davis, the three players who looked likeliest to create something of note for Rangers. Serious question marks remain over the defence though, with none of Bougherra's three defensive partners - Davie Weir, Kirk Broadfoot and Steven Whittaker - looking entirely convincing.

And Barry Ferguson looks increasingly like a liability - too big for his boots, determined always to be the centre of attention, but never doing anything to justify his own over-inflated view of his own worth.

Can Rangers win the title? Without a doubt. But not without some substantial improvements, and a dose of luck.

Optimistic Nun

Season 2008/2009: Match 4: Montrose v Cowdenbeath

Four games into my live football season. Just four.

Montrose have only played three competitive matches this season. Just three.

Rangers have only played two competitive matches this season. Just two.

Tonight, Montrose were knocked out of their second cup, and we're only five days into August.

Rangers were sent out of Europe with barely a whimper.

Football, so often my source of unbridled joy, doesn't feel much fun at the moment.

I really don't want to talk about Rangers any more at the moment, so I'll concentrate on the match I attended this evening, Montrose's CIS Cup First Round tie with the Blue Brazil (who, conversely, played like a yellow Wimbeldon.)

Aside from a faint glimmers in the second half, Montrose never looked like winning this match. A sixth minute header saw them fall behind and an 81st minute, 30-yard free kick finished the job.

Montrose started in a 4-5-1 formation, attempting to utilise Paul Stewart's pace wide on the right. The plan didn't work, with the diminutive John Baird given little to work with up front on his own.

Later, with Stewart pushed up, Montrose looked livelier, but Cowdenbeath never looked truly flustered.

Montrose's captain, central midfielder Keith Gibson, toiled in the middle of the park. Though big, forceful and determined, he lacks both pace and subtlety, and was frequently his own worst enemy.

Pass marks for the home side could only justifiably be awarded to Stewart and to defender Jamie Buchan, one of the few players on the artificial pitch who genuinely looked like a footballer.

Along with my fellow press corps members, I was asked to vote for the official man of the match. I was the only one to vote for a Montrose player, picking Jamie Buchan. But the award went to former Scottish youth international Joe Mbu, seen below receiving his award.

So, four matches in and I've not seen a Montrose win yet - in fact, Montrose haven't won since the end of last season. 2008/2009 could prove to be a long 10 months of football.

Media Relations The Old-Fashioned Way

I never tire of watching Walter Smith tearing Chick Young a new one:

Nosin' Around

Hmmmm, Jock said he was nipping out for something to eat. At least that's what I think he said...

Sorry, should introduce myself. I'm The Tomahawk Kid and I thought I would have a quick nosey round Dungroanin' and see what I could find......but it looks like someone beat me to it.

The drinks cabinet is empty, so is the biscuit tin, and the old sofa Jock keeps in the porch looks like it has been used as a trampoline by a passing rugby team!

Very strange...

Had he been here, Jock would no doubt have posted his thoughts on the footie this week.

First we had a thoroughly enthralling Champions League final between Manchester United and Chelsea that went all the way to sudden death penalties before United eventually emerged victorious. Glorious stuff and gripping television. I think that Man Utd probably deserved the win following their first half performance but credit to Chelsea for coming back strongly and bossing the second half.

Last night saw Rangers and Celtic vying to win the SPL championship. Both teams were level on points but Rangers were behind on goal difference and were looking to score heavily against Aberdeen whilst hoping that Dundee United would do something against the 'Tic.

Sadly for Rangers (not), Aberdeen once again raised their game and handed out a solid 2-0 beating whilst down the road Celtic just edged past The Arabs.

Funniest moment of the night was when with only 5 minutes left to play the Aberdeen fans started singing en masse to the Rangers fans "Why the f*ck are you still here?"

Whilst I go and find someplace to secrete an Arbroath Smokie, so that the place is nice and fragrant for Jock's return, I will leave you with a hilarious clip of a TV presenter totally losing it..

TTFN

TTK

p.s. What are all these copies of "The Celtic View" doing hidden under the bed?

Getting Ready

I'm tired, thanks to getting home late last night after playing in the Aberdeen Oil League then watching the UEFA Cup Final.

I couldn't possibly pass on mentioning the Rangers match, disappointing though the result was.

But if anyone had told me at the start of the season that Rangers would play in a European final within the next year, I would have thought them insane.

The better team won last night, but Rangers played to their strengths, defending (fairly) solidly and looking to catch Zenit on the break.

And in the second half, just as it looked as though Rangers might take the lead through their continued pressure, Zenit scored, and the match was over.

So yes, I'm disappointed, but extremely proud of the club for having made it to Manchester in the first place. Now we can turn our attentions to the league....

The next few days are likely to be spent in a blur as I attempt to get all my shit together before flying off to China. But even before then, I'm going to be a busy boy. Tonight, Dungroanin' will be graced by Eric, my Blogfather and everyone's favourite Heterosexual Caucasian Male, and his wife Fiona, who are in these frozen northern climes for a holiday.

So we'll catch up, set the world to rights and share a drink or two, safe in the knowledge that neither of us has to work the next day.

Friday will be spent packing and preparing everything for departure to Shanghai, including delivering Mrs Wife's rabbits, Pepper and Dylan, to a rabbit boarding establishment. Yep, such a thing exists.

That will be followed by the Dirty Pretty Things concert in Dundee, which should be pretty darn good, what with DPT being a Libertines/Cooper Temple Clause indie supergroup. Which will, in turn, be followed by a night in a hotel at Glasgow airport before we jet off.

I'm not sure whether I'll be able to blog while I'm away, so I've arranged for a few kind souls to drop by and keep both my readers amused in the interim. And they're likely to be so good that my presence here will no longer be required.

Through We Go