Routine inspection

It may be true that when the cat's away, the mice will play, but when Mrs Wife is away, my life tends to lose a little of its normal structure.

As she is away to a training seminar of some variety over the next three days, I was left to my own devices last night.

When the other half is in residence at Groanin' Towers, there tends to be a routine to the evening. I'll get home from work at 5pm and spend an hour attempting to win the World Cup on Pro Evolution Soccer on the Playstation, then we'll start dinner when she gets home at 6pm.

From then on, Groanin' Towers takes its nightly journey from Hollyoaks to Eastenders via Emmerdale and Coronation Street, before the good TV starts. And we're usually in bed around 10pm.

But in the absence of the little lady, all semblence of routine is thoroughly disposed of. The lights were out, the lava lamps cast their eerie glows onto the walls, Football Manager 2006 was fired up on the laptop and Bob Dylan screeched from the stereo.

Dinner was blasted in the microwave for three minutes around 7.30pm and eaten in around the same amount of time. There were no stop-offs in Soapland but the Sky remote control was in heavy use as the early hours beckoned.

Digitial TV is a strange place when darkness falls. Inexplicably, I found myself perusing the shopping channels, where goons with bleached teeth attempted to sell me a kettle, iron and toaster package for the incredible price of just eight pounds plus another eight pounds postage and packaging.

Another channel was selling framed gold discs, including a signed Madonna Greatest Hits at 399 quid. A limited edition red vinyl Elvis single at 20 quid seemed like a more realistic purchase, but alas I couldn't reach the phone in time.

Now, Groanin' Towers is in serious need of a tidy. It's quite easy to chart my evening by the debris left in my wake - shirt and tie ditched near the door, shoes kicked off in the kitchen, junk mail thrown to within inches of the recycling bin, food plate on the sitting room floor, last night's clothes next to the bed.

I'd love to say that the same will happen again tonight, but that would be too much like getting into a routine.