Raeiro

How do Brazilian footballers get their names? How did Edson Arantes Do Nascimento become Pele? Why is Ronaldo called Ronaldo when he's in Spain but Ronaldinho when in Brazil?

If these questions have ever taxed your brain, tough luck. I don't have the answers. But I can help you find out what YOUR name would be if you were a Brazilian footballer.

Tired of plain old John Smith? Become Sminho. Fed up with Frank Brown? Congratulations, you are now Frildo. Visit the Brazilian name generator to find out what your sensational samba name would be.

My moniker, were I Brazilian and a competent footballer, instead of an overweight, out of shape "never was" would be Raeiro.

Just for interest's sake, the Scotland team which beat Lithuania last week would have lined up as follows if they'd had Brazilian names on their fancy new shirts:

1 Gordeiro (Craig Gordon)
2 Claudio Daito (Christian Dailly)
3 Weardo (David Weir)
4 Caldwundo Santos (Gary Caldwell)
5 Naysmezo (Gary Naysmith)
6 Presslio Peres (Steven Pressley)
7 Fletchimo (Darren Fletcher)
8 Nigson (Nigel Quashie)
9 Jama (James McFadden)
10 Hartlisco (Paul Hartley)
11 Millimo (Kenny Miller)

Subs
12 Alexandisco (Neil Alexander)
14 Andersinho (Russell Anderson)
15 Robbie Neilsio (Robbie Neilson)
16 Bão (Kris Boyd)
17 Grahinho (Graham Alexander)
18 Scaldo (Scott Severin)
19 Tealeca (Gary Teale)

My own personal favourite is the fact that David Weir, who captained the side in the absence of the injured Barry Ferguson (AKA Fergusa), would be called Weardo.