It's A Crime

The Nuremberg trials convicted some of the most evil people in history just 13 months after the end of World War II.

But Metropolitan Police reckons that it might struggle to complete its phone hacking INQUIRIES before the next general election in four years' time.

Modern efficiency is wonderful.

Even More Wicked

I recently wrote a post extolling the virtues of Wikipedia, and how it offered people the chance to share their knowledge just for the sake of sharing it.

But I suppose the site does have its downsides.....

A Rose By Any Other Name

As seen over at Ramblings From A Blue Dot - what would my name be in different circumstances?

1. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (first pet & current car) Pepi Clio. Sounds more French house or gay disco than rock'n'roll, doesn't it?

2.YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (fave ice cream flavor, favorite cookie) Toffee Raspberry-White Chocolate. Doesn't that make me sound REALLY hard?

3. YOUR “FLY Guy/Girl” NAME: (first initial of first name, first three letters of your last name) M-RAE. Maybe G-JOC sounds better.

4. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal) Blue Dog. Not really up there with Poirot, Marple or Clouseau, is it?

5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born) I don't have a middle name.... Surname would be Dundee though. So let's go with Mick Dundee. You can call me Crocodile.

6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first) Rae Ma. That's Darth Ma to you.

7. SUPERHERO NAME: (”The” + 2nd favorite color, favorite drink) The Black Cointreau. Could be worse I suppose, although I'd be named after an orange liqeur.

8. NASCAR NAME: (the first names of your grandfathers) George David. I've no idea what a NASCAR name would be used for (presumably something to do with NASCAR racing), but it sounds fine.

9. STRIPPER NAME: (the name of your favorite perfume/cologne/scent, favorite candy) Joop Lindor. Yeah, that'll bring in the punters.

10.WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother’s & father’s middle names ) Atkin William. Or William Atkin. The second way is probably better for anonymity's sake.

11. TV WEATHER ANCHOR NAME: (Your 5th grade teacher’s last name, a major city that starts with the same letter) Guthrie Grenoble. I don't know why I thought of Grenoble before Glasgow, but I'm glad I did. "This is the Channel 5 weather with Guthrie Grenoble". I like the sound of that.

12. SPY NAME: (your favorite season/holiday, flower) Summer Snowdrop. That makes me sound like a My Little Pony.

13. CARTOON NAME: (favorite fruit, article of clothing you’re wearing right now + "ie" or "y") Strawberry Shirty. Sounds like a pretty crap cartoon.

14. HIPPY NAME: (What you ate for breakfast, your favorite tree) Cereal Chestnut. That's not great, man.

15. YOUR ROCKSTAR TOUR NAME: (”The” + Your fave hobby/craft, fave weather element + “Tour”) The Football Manager Lightning Tour. I'd get sued by Sega for that one.

Sending Crime Underground

Police in Manchester have apparently foiled a planned robbery after the discovery of a tunnel heading towards a cash machine in a video shop.

What a completely genius plan - dig a tunnel all the way to the machine and then empty it underground before making a sharp exit.

Is it just me, or do the police seem a bit dimwitted for announcing they'd found it - wouldn't they have been better observing it whilst the would-be thieves continued digging, thus catching them red-handed?

Or is that too much like common sense?

Quick-beaked Thief

It seems my good friend The Tomahawk Kid is ahead of the game.

Yesterday, he reported that he was witness to a robbery at a newsagent in Aberdeen city centre.

A daring seagull has become adept at sneaking into a branch of RS McColl's and pinching packets of crisps straight off the shelves.

Today, the story is featured in The Daily Record and on the BBC News website.

I hate seagulls. I've got a phobia of birds, but I especially hate birds that aren't afraid of humans, and who associate them with food, such as seagulls, pigeons and chickens.

Seagulls really are awful. Montrose is plagued by them, swooping down to steal food practically from people's hands and raking through bins in the search for food.

It strikes me that a seagull's life can't be overly fulfilling. Wake up at 5am, make a hell of a racket, rummage through some bins, try not to get hit by cars.

I think I dislike seagulls more than pigeons because they seem to have a bit of cunning about them, whereas pigeons just look and act dopey.

But if we're now at the stage where seagulls are stealing from shops, I think we should be worried. Maybe Alfred Hitchcock was right after all....

Of Bowling, BBQs and Bombs

The weekend - where to begin?

As I explained previously, on Friday the company we work for paid for all employees in its Aberdeen office to spend the afternoon playing Pirate Island Adventure Golf, spinning about the on the dodgems, eating too much, playing pool and bowling.

Four minutes on the dodgems wasn't enough to demonstrate my Lewis Hamilton-esque driving, my golf was inhibited by poor approach work (though my putting was immense) and my pool playing was a bit rusty. I did finish a creditable joint third in the bowling though, missing out on the five pound prize after a play-off decided by means of one game of pool. (I came from seven balls down to lose it on the black - so close.)

And then Mrs Wife and I rose on Saturday morning to find Montrose basking in glorious sunshine. In fact, had we started our housewarming barbecue at 9.30am, the weather would have been perfect. But by 1.30pm, clouds were scattering across the sky, and by 3pm drops of rain could be felt cooling my sunburt neck. And by 6.30pm we had a full-on Montrose monsoon. But by then most people were fed and, if not drunk, merry enough not to care that they were crammed into Dungroanin' like giant sardines in a standard-sized phone box.

It was whilst we were partying indoors that news came in of the terrorist attack at Glasgow Airport. For so long, terrorism in the UK, whether that perpetrated by the IRA or by Islamic extremists, has focussed on London. But to find out that this unholy war has moved north of the border was a shock.

I would imagine that every single person in the room when the news came through has been to Glasgow Airport at some point in their lives, whether as a passenger or there to collect a relative. To see mobile phone video footage of the burning jeep at the airport brought home the fact that this was happening just over 100 miles from my front door, almost live as we saw it.

Apparently this is the first bombing in Scotland since the Luftwaffe crossed the English Channel. Whether that's true or not, I don't know. But if we thought that those who claim to be acting in Allah's name were going to concentrate their efforts on New York, Washington and London, we were obviously wrong.

Should we be afraid? No, we should be angry. We can't live in a state of fear - for then these ideological cretins, who would kill anyone unfortunate enough to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, would have won.

It remains the case that you're far more likely to die in a car accident or from a heart attack than as a result of a terrorist attack. And our emergency services and military are amongst the best in the world - Glasgow airport was fully functional less than a day after the failed attack.

The greatest show of strength we can put on is to continue life as normal, to show that no matter what evil these people can summon, we will always overcome.

This Curry Tastes Like Shit

Beware, gentlemen. No longer are scorned spouses satisfied with hefty divorce settlements.

One woman in Scotland decided that the best way to exact revenge on her husband as their marriage collapsed was to feed him a curry containing dog excrement.

Jill Martin is one seriously disturbed woman: "At first she claimed she had laced the dish with arsenic but then confessed she had added dog excrement instead. The court heard that the couple had been married for 21 years but in recent years their relationship "had hit an all time low"."

Geez - imagine being told that you were wolfing down arsenic, only to be told instead that it was dog shit. Would you be relieved?

I have had some shit meals in my time, but I have never eaten excrement (or never knowingly anyway). And I'm sure that Mr Martin thought he'd get through his three score years and ten without that experience as well.

I'm not sure what Mrs Martin's punishment should be - maybe she should finish the curry?

Arresting Behaviour

Worrying news from the Police State of Aberdeen.

A male stripogram is to be charged for dressing as a police officer for his routine.

I realise that impersonating a police officer is a criminal offence, but it's not as if the guy was planning on arresting anyone or issuing speeding tickets. One big giveaway is that instead of saying 'Police' on his back, it says 'Stripper'.

In fact, the uniform he was wearing wasn't even going to stay on terribly long - such a short space of time that the real police officers were happy to watch the show.

What a complete waste of time, public money and police resources.

Unlike in India, where a warrant has been issued for the arrest of Richard Gere.

That sounds like a far better cause for the law enforcement agencies to pursue. While they're at it, the Indian authorities can also take steps to punish Gere's frequent crimes against humanity such as An Officer and A Gentleman, Pretty Woman and Unfaithful. And having him in court will give everyone another opportunity to have a little chuckle at the gerbilling story/urban legend.