Rivals

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The Groanin' Jock Montrose FC Player of the Year Award 2013/2014

As my Montrose viewing is over for the season, it's now time to award the award that no awardee is waiting for, The Groanin' Jock Montrose FC Player of the Year Award.

Determined by who I most often awarded the man of the match, this season we have a clear winner.

Stuart McKenzie, in his debut season at the Montrose Maracana, has been a solid and confident performer in the Montrose goal.

On the 14 occasions I've seen Montrose this season, McKenzie has been the home side's best performer in five of them.

The full list is as follows:

Stuart McKenzie 5
Scott Johnston 3
Bryan Deasley 2
Garry Wood 2
Alan Campbell 1
Paul Watson 1

Season 2013/2014: Match 14: Montrose 2 Annan Athletic 1 (Scottish Professional Football League Two)

Having last seen Montrose win around six weeks ago, and having seen them ship five goals without reply in my previous two visits to the Montrose Maracana, it was with no optimism that I ventured out today.

Given that they were facing an Annan side sitting second in the league and with a playoff place guaranteed, it seemed obvious that Montrose would continue their sorry capitulation of the preceding two home matches.

The previous week they'd rolled over and let Clyde tickle their bellies, but this week there was a growl and a determination to their play.

Jonathan Crawford epitomised it, with a snarling, ill-tempered showing that included a booking in the third minute. Having long since cast aside his Screech Powers curls, Crawford today was a torn-faced menace to any Annan player who ventured into his fallout zone. He almost scored with a fantastic bullet header during the second half, only to be denied by a great stop from visiting keeper Kenny Arthur.

Montrose had taken the lead on the half hour mark when Scott Johnston's cross to the back post was headed down by Paul Watson, allowing Bryan Deasley to sneak in front of his marker and poke the ball into the net.

The same player had several chances during the match, but found Arthur in good form, as well as passing up others through poor finishing.

It took until the 74th minute for Annan to find an equaliser, David Hopkirk sent clear of the Montrose defence and slotting a shot past McKenzie and in off the post.

But it took Montrose only two minutes to move back in front, McCord's corner falling to Wood in the box. The Montrose skipper's first shot was blocked, but his second zipped across goal and into the net.

And so Montrose's final home match of the season ended with an unlikely win. The season will end next week in deepest, darkest Stenhousemuir, and from there we can begin to think about next season under a new manager.

I'd keep most of the squad on, assuming they wanted to stay. McKenzie has been a revelation in goals, and Montrose will be doing well to hold on to him.

Campbell and Wilson have settled as a central defensive partnership, and Crawford's versatility continues to make him a useful asset. Left back remains a problem, although Bell did fairly well today before being replaced by McIntosh.

Watson, Masson and Gray are all definite keeps, but I've been concerned over the form of McCord this season, as he doesn't appear to be the player he was during his first spell at Links Park.

Deasley, Wood and Johnston are all great players on their day, and I'd definitely keep all three.

So, if a new manager can add some additional bodies in defence and midfield, and hold onto the best players already at the club, it might be possible to move me from pessimism to optimism.

Maybe...

Man of the Match: Bryan Deasley's movement and workrate were great today, but his finishing could have been better. Garry Wood took his goal well and looked generally untroubled all afternoon, as did the unusually fiery Jonathan Crawford.

But yet again, Stuart McKenzie was exceptional, keeping Montrose ahead with some magnificent goalkeeping. The best player at the club by a sizeable margin this season.

Season 2013/2014: Match 13: Montrose 0 Clyde 2 (Scottish Professional Football League Two)

As my press corps colleagues and I departed the Basinside Bernabeu this afternoon, I canvassed some of my fellow punters for their choice of reports:


Punter 1: "What a load of shite"


Punter 2: "Pish. Pish. Pish."


I really have little more to add to those assessments. Montrose were dire today. Scarcely a shot on target. An insistence on thumping crosses into the box despite Garry Wood being carved out of granite and Kieran Sturrock making Martin Boyle look like a towering behemoth. Graham Webster in midfield. The list of complaints goes on...and on...and on...


Positives? Barely any. Montrose only conceded twice - is that a positive?


Terry Masson started on the bench as George "The Animal" Shields, caretaker managing Montrose for the first time at Links Park, selected Ross McCord and Graham Webster in the centre of the park, flanked by Bryan "Emmmm, but I'm a striker George" Deasley and Scott "And so am I" Johnston.


Even with the midfield being overrun in the second half, it wasn't the hapless Webster who was substituted, but the anonymous Sturrock. Terry Masson came off the bench and took two minutes to collect his customary booking.


Clyde looked good today - especially when we consider that it's very recently that they would arrive at Links Park and receive an absolute hammering (8-1 seems a long time ago). Their opening goal came from a surging run from Stuart McColm that, if it didn't quite evoke Gareth Bale's Copa Del Rey winner from midweek, it did rip Jonathan Crawford a new arsehole.


Their second came from the penalty spot after Colin Wilson decided to empty Stefan McCluskey in the box.


Positives? At least there's only 180 minutes of the season to go...


Man of the match: Slim pickings - even the usually dependable Stuart McKenzie struggled today. If forced to pick from the Montrose ranks, I'd reluctantly go for Bryan Deasley, who came closest to scoring for the home team and at least looked like he might like to win a football match.

Season 2013/2014: Match 12: Montrose 0 Elgin City 3 (Scottish Professional Football League Two)

Optimism and positivity tend to be in short supply in the stand, cow-shed and storm-ravaged terracing of Links Park, but today Montrose largely ditched their "launch it into the wind and see what happens" approach to the beautiful game and opted instead for slick passing and the creation of scores of chances.

They could have gone in at the break leading by four or five goals had it not been for some good saves from visiting goalkeeper John Gibson, some unlucky/poor finishing from Paul Watson, Scott Johnston and David Gray, and Bryan Deasley's inexplicably poor final balls.

Potentially four or five goals ahead at the break, but drawing 0-0 when Mat Northcroft blew for half time. Those of you aware of Montrose's recent history know where this is heading, don't you?

Montrose were still the better side in the second half, Campbell and Watson both coming close and Terry Masson shooting wide when it looked easier to score,

But it took only eight minutes for Elgin to score, Shane Sutherland (who was an international-class striker in Football Manager 2012) robbing Jonathan Crawford and poking the ball under Stuart McKenzie.

Two more goals followed, both scored by substitute Adam McLeod, and both after Montrose corners were cleared by long punts from the Elgin defenders.

So despite dominating the match, playing some attractive attacking football, regularly winning the ball and forcing Elgin into errors, Montrose contrived to lose 3-0 at home to the team second bottom of Scotland's lowest professional league.

Optimism and positivity tend to be in short supply...

Man of the Match: When Montrose were playing well today, they were as good as I've seen them all season - breaking fast, constantly pressing and looking for openings. Paul Watson and Terry Masson were the driving forces in the middle of the park, while David Gray created several chances and Bryan Deasley's work rate was second to none.

Leading them all by example was Scott Johnston, the youngster up front with Gray and a repeated threat to the Elgin defence. He seems to have bulked up recently, adding a previously unknown physical aspect to his play, as well as developing his final ball to be more effective.

Season 2013/2014: Match 11: Montrose 2 East Stirlingshire 0 (Scottish Professional Football League Two)

Jock 1:1: And lo, the wind did howl, and there was great misery upon the Earth.

Jock 1:2: And the people asked: "Must we watch Montrose in the storm? For we have seen them ship five to Berwick and they were poor".

Jock 1:3. But Garden spoke: "Venture unto the Links Park and thou shalt be rewarded".

Jock 2:1. The people heard the word, and it was true. For East Stirlingshire contrived to lose to a team battered by Berwick a week earlier.

Jock 2:2. Garden selected Gray, and there were great rejoicing, for he did open the scoring with a 30-yard half volley.

Jock 2:3. And the people were happy, for Deasley scored a second, poking into the net from six yards out.

Jock 3.1. Lo, the storm did blow, but Montrose were strong, and the people were happy.

Jock 3.2. Though the Shire had chances, they could not have scored in a Babylonian brothel. And Garden was happy. And the Mo rejoiced.

Man of the Match: David Gray scored a belter of a goal, Jonathan Crawford gave possibly the best performance I have ever seen from him and Ricky McIntosh was superb at left back.

But yet again, Stuart McKenzie was a formidable presence in goal, keeping a clean sheet as Shire and the wind did their best to find goals in the second half.

Season 2013/2014: Match 10: Montrose 2 Albion Rovers 1 (Scottish Professional Football League Two)

Could the playing and coaching staff of Montrose FC please consider alerting paying punters if, in future, they intend to cram all the interesting bits of their match into a five-minute spell in the second half.

That way, those of us who aren't always blown away by the avant-garde performance art of Messrs Crawford, Deasley, Johnston and Campbell can find something less arse-numbingly dull to do, then turn up for the good bit.

Today's match turned in a chaotic five minutes early in the second half when Albion Rovers - who have ditched their Melchester Rovers strips for Spanish national team knock-offs - took the lead through Gary Philips' header at the back post.

That lead lasted two minutes, Bryan Deasley taking a break from shanking wild shots wide of the target to send a square ball to Scott Johnston, who poked the ball into the net from two yards out.

The home side then took the lead a further two minutes later, Terry Masson applying the finishing touch to a smooth passing move involving Deasley and Gray.

Montrose also had two headers cleared off the Albion Rovers goal-line, and by the end they were feeling so confident that Jonathan Crawford decided to take a wander to left back, dropped his shoulder, cut outside the Albion Rovers right winger and pinged a 45-yard pass down the touchline. It may prove to be the high point of his career.

The second half of the second half (fourth quarter in Americanese) was possibly as good as I've seen Montrose play all season. But nonetheless, someone sitting near the back of the stand called for Stuart Garden's resignation on the final whistle.

Up to sixth in the league, only five points off the play-offs? I must not be optimistic...I must not be optimistic...I must not be optimistic...

Man of the Match: There were two stand-out performers in my opinion - Scott Johnston and Stuart McKenzie. The striker scored one and gave a typically hard-working performance up front, but the goalkeeper kept Montrose in the match with a series of point-blank saves and generally strong command of his box. He also picked up my vote for player of the season in today's poll.

Season 2013/2014: Match 9: Montrose 1 Queen's Park 0 (Scottish Professional Football League Two)

There really is no logic to football, particularly in the end-of-line bargain bin we know as Scottish Professional Football League Two (or Division Three in old money).

Montrose were battered by both the excitable North Sea wind and their Glasgow-via-Airdrie opponents, but somehow managed to emerge at the end with all three points, keeping them in the heady position of eighth (or third bottom) of Serie Z4.

Shockingly, they also kept a clean sheet, which is more than can realistically be expected from a back four containing Jonathan Crawford, Alan Campbell and a striker masquerading as a centre back.

The whole match turned on a 60-second spell around the hour mark, when Queen's Park had a goal disallowed for offside. Montrose reacted quickly and fired the free kick up the park. Bryan Deasley was fouled on the edge of the box, but referee Mike Taylor waved play on. The ball fell to Paul Watson 25 yards out, the midfielder emerging from an hour-long period of anonymity to lash a left-foot drive into the bottom corner.

That Montrose were able to get a result here bordered on the incredible, given that Queen's Park had two shots cleared off the Montrose goal line and missed a couple of sitters in addition to having their offside effort chalked off.

There are still serious question marks over the squad, not least in the strength in depth (or lack of) throughout the squad. With no discernible fullbacks, Garry Wood shoehorned in at centre back and the hapless Jamie Reid bamboozled in an unfamiliar central midfield role, Montrose struggled to keep possession and to string any passes together.

Even with a relatively solid spine of Stuart McKenzie, Alan Campbell, Terry Masson, Paul Watson and Bryan Deasley, they struggled to find a rhythm, and too often smacked the ball hopefully and hopelessly into the wind, only to find it bearing back down on them within seconds.

Six points is far from an insurmountable gap between Montrose and the playoff positions, but if we are being realistic, that chance is fast slipping away (which sounds like an odd thing to say after a win).

But this was a victory against the odds and against the run of play - realism and pessimism are effectively the same thing when watching Montrose...

Man of the Match: Another calm and assured performance from Stuart McKenzie in goals kept Montrose in this match, while several of his outfield colleagues put in tireless shifts. Chief amongst those was Scott Johnston, whose drive and determination kept Queen's Park on the back foot during Montrose's attempted attacks.

Winter Olympics Live Streaming

I'm quite excited by the Winter Olympics - the summer games always remind me of things I might have been able to do if I was younger, fitter, faster and considerably less lazy, but the winter games always show me things I could NEVER do - launching myself off a hillside while strapped to two planks of wood, hurtling down a hillside while strapped to two planks of wood, flying round an ice rink with two sharpened blades attached to my feet...and so on...

I'm looking forward to following the Winter Olympics on ESPN's Winter X Games channel, which includes both recorded interviews and live streaming events with some of the biggest names in winter sports.

Season 2013/2014: Match 8: Montrose 2 Peterhead 3 (Scottish Professional Football League Two)

The ingredients for yesterday's encounter between mediocre Montrose and promotion-chasing Peterhead:

• Two pints of lager and a chilli burger from The Picture House
• Four friends, three of them making their first visit as paying punters at the North Sea Nou Camp.
• The insane ramblings of my lesser-spotted press corps colleague.
• A sublime Garry Wood strike from 20 yards out to open the scoring.
• A less sublime Alan Campbell own goal four minutes into the second half to level the scores, the big pudding resorting to type after his recent sterling performances.
•  A well-taken goal from professional walloper Rory McAllister, the striker sent clear then rounding Stuart McKenzie and shooting into the empty net.
• McAllister's second 'goal' -  a lob that bounced down off the crossbar and landed in front of the line, but deemed to be across it by the far side linesman.
• Terry Masson's great strike for an injury time consolation, the substitute controlling on the edge of the box and firing into the bottom corner.

All of it - Montrose scoring a comedy own goal, Garry Wood and Bryan Deasley working hard up front, third-world refereeing, the random gibberish being spouted in the stand, Rory McAllister being a dick - was entirely in keeping with type.

By the end, it had all become too much for George Shields to deal with, the Montrose assistant manager randomly launching balls into the Peterhead dugout, possibly in an attempt to spark a 30-man brawl and have the match abandoned.

The result leaves Montrose third from bottom of Serie Z-6, with the chance to go second bottom if Elgin beat Queen's Park in their game in hand.

Garden must go? Hardly - but for the spectacularly unfunny comedy refereeing, Montrose were generally a match for Peterhead, McAllister excepted.

I know I say it every week - but there's a desperate need for a few more bodies (preferably some of them living) at Link's Park.

Do we dare to dream that we can be better than mediocre?

Man of the Match: If we were taking both teams into account, it would easily be McAllister, who was head and shoulders above those around him. From a Montrose point of view, I'd go with Garry Wood for a great opening strike and his typically tireless shift up front.

Season 2013/2014: Match 7: Montrose 0 Berwick Rangers 0 (Scottish Professional Football League Two)

As is becoming the norm in Montrosefootballclubland, the home side today failed to score a goal, but did manage to pick up their customary red card.

It was Paul Watson's turn this week, following in the footsteps of Terry Masson and Ross McCord in making sure that he gets a weekend or two off during the coldest part of the season.

The red card, awarded for Watson's clumsy second half challenge that added a second booking of the day to his account, was one of the few moments of note in an otherwise comparatively tame encounter.

Both sides did have efforts cleared off the line, and at one point I thought my halftime hot chocolate had been laced with LSD, as I'm sure I saw Alan Campbell cut inside his marker on the Berwick bye line and crash a shot into the side netting.

For Montrose, it was the usual list of shortcomings that were apparent - toothless up front (despite the industry of both Bryan Deasley and Garry Wood), a lack of truly dangerous crosses from the flanks, and a paucity of flair in the middle of the park.

This may have been Stephen McNally's last appearance in a Montrose shirt, the fullback apparently heading off for a life on the rigs, a fate also shared by Lloyd Young.

Young will leave a big hole in the squad, but McNally is not the loss he would have been a couple of years ago, his game recently having been plagued by inconsistency and errors.

What his departure does mean is that Montrose are again chronically shortstaffed at both fullback positions, as well as lacking a regular goalscorer while Deasley and Wood continue to search for goals.

While in previous years I have frequently lamented the quantity and quality of centre backs at the club, the improvements in Alan Campbell's game have been notable, and his partnership with Luke Johnston is bearing fruit. In goal, Stuart McKenzie has been magnificent since his arrival.

So, New Year, and hopefully some new faces arriving at the North Sea Nou Camp to fill the gaps.

We live in hope...

Man of the Match: Alan Campbell had an excellent match, marshalling the defence well under pressure. But it was Stuart McKenzie who shone today, keeping Montrose in the match with another great performance in goals.

Season 2013/2014: Match 6: Montrose 0 Annan Athletic 2 (Scottish Professional Football League Two)

Two goals in second half stoppage time.

Merry fucking Christmas.

Man of the Match: Scott Johnston - a tireless performance on the right wing that deserved to be rewarded with a goal or an assist.

Season 2013/2014: Match 5: Montrose 0 Clyde 2 (Scottish Professional Football League Two)

As Hurricane Bawbag II: This Time There's Snow howled round the eaves of Dungroanin' yesterday afternoon, I was nursing a hangover, having been at my office Xmas party the previous evening.

Crawling into my bed in an Aberdeen hotel at 4am, then waking four hours later and dragging my festering corpse home was not ideal preparation for anything beyond curling into a small ball and dying as quietly as possible.

Coupled with the fact that Mrs Wife and the Jocklings are away for the weekend, and I was therefore afforded peace and quiet to suffer, I surprised myself by deciding to leave the cozy house and let the wind carry me to the Basinside Bernabeu.

(My sorry condition yesterday also explains why I am writing this at 1pm on Sunday afternoon - I've just had 12 hours' unbroken sleep for the first time in three years).

Anyway, perched at the top of the concrete shed that masquerades as the stand at Links Park, it quickly became apparent that Montrose were in for a tough afternoon. The first half saw them facing not only the 11 Clyde players, but also Hurricane Bawbag II itself, as they attempted to play against the wind and rain.

Surprisingly, they worked out fairly quickly that long balls would be a no-no, and attempted to pass their way around the brillo pad.

But Clyde looked the better side, Stuart McKenzie and Luke Johnston - Montrose's new loan signing from current Best Team In The World Ever, Dundee United - keeping their opponents at bay with a series of saves and blocks.

However, Clyde finally moved ahead on the half hour mark, Kevin Watt poking home from a corner as the Montrose defenders watched in wonder.

Scott Ferguson doubled the lead two minutes later, heading over McKenzie from a McDonald cross.

Insult was added to injury two minutes before half time when Ross McCord was shown a straight red card. I didn't see the incident, so can only assume he shoved or punched someone in the Clyde wall as he attempted to take a free kick.

The second half was a quiet affair, Clyde happy to sit in against their 10 opponents, and Montrose unable to find a way past them. Garry Wood came closest for Montrose, sending a half volley inches wide from a McNally cross.

The result leaves Montrose in sixth place in the table, outside the playoff places only on goal difference, and seven points behind top of the table Clyde in a division where only 10 points separate top and second bottom.

Man of the match: A tough shift for the home side, especially after McCord's dismissal. McKenzie again looked comfortable in goals, and could do little with either goal.

I actually thought that, aside from the five minute spell surrounding the goals, that the Montrose defence looked fairly comfortable, particularly the centre backs, Alan Campbell and Luke Johnston. I'll go with Campbell for man of the match, as he kept his head and consistently looked for a pass rather than hammering the ball hopelessly into the wind.

Season 2013/2014: Match 4: Montrose 3 Elgin City 3 (Scottish Professional Football League Two)

Montrose were bereft of their lucky charm this week, Little Jocklette deciding to eschew the North Sea Nou Camp in favour of a nap and baking cookies with her mummy.

It therefore fell upon me to make the trek alone, in the knowledge that a Montrose win coupled with results going their way elsewhere could see them move up to second in the table, and the wisdom that that almost certainly would not happen.

Montrose's team looked strong on paper, although Gareth Roger's absence through injury left a gaping chasm in the centre of defence that neither Jonathan Crawford nor Colin Wilson could adequately fill.

With neither centre back entirely comfortable with the art of defending, they instead resorted to a comedy hair competition, Wilson emerging as the unanimous winner with fetching side parting/hideous moustache combination, presumably but hopefully not in aid of Movember - that bad boy has long-term potential.

Bryan Deasley - somehow having missed the cut for Gordon Strachan's Scotland squad despite his single-handed destruction of Albion Rovers a week earlier - lined up alongside Garry Wood in attack, while Terry Masson turned winger in the absence of anyone better qualified.

The Wood-Masson-Watson-Deasley axis of awesomeness looked likely to put Montrose ahead early on, but some magnificent saves from Raymond Jellema kept the scoresheet clear for the first 20 minutes.

It was former Aberdeen and Heart 'star' Dennis Wyness - a man whose wife one is not advised to dance with in an Aberdeen nightclub -  who opened the scoring at that point, backheeling Ross McKinnon's shot into the net.

Their lead lasted 10 minutes, at which point Montrose's answer to Jorg Albertz, Paul Watson, slammed a long-range shot into the bottom corner.

But as is the way of things down Wellington Street way, Montrose thereafter began to play like a bunch of hungover Sunday league players meeting for the first time. They could scarcely string two passes together, and found themselves camped in their own box for most of the time between their goal and half time.

Had it not been for some excellent saves from Stuart McKenzie, Montrose could have found themselves five or six goals down by the hour mark, rather than just two.

Elgin's second goal came on the stroke of half time, David Niven crossing for Wyness to tap home his second goal of the afternoon, the Montrose defence having left the park early to get a head start on the half time Hobnobs.

Their third came seven minutes after the break, Craig Gunn reacting quickest when Ross McKinnon's 30-yard free kick clattered off McKenzie's post. It was no surprise that Gunn was first to the ball, given that he was five yards offside when the free kick was taken.

It was at that point that I considered packing up my notepad and stopwatch, and heading home for a nap and some cookies.

Thankfully I chose to sit it out, and was rewarded with one of the least likely comebacks I've seen in a while.

I questioned Stuart Garden's sanity when he withdrew Garry Wood and Terry Masson on the hour mark, replacing them with Scott Johnston and Kieran Sturrock.

So there's a reason why he's the professional football manager and I'm just a smartass who watches football and occasionally gets paid to write about it.

Johnston scored Montrose's second goal after great play from Deasley. The on-loan Forfar man powered down the left, burst into the box and squared for Johnston to tap into the empty net - but with just three minutes remaining, it looked to be too little, too late.

With the clock ticking into its final seconds, a corner fell for Watson, and he slammed his shot into the roof of the net, before racing off to silence his detractors in the ranks of the Montrose faithful.

So, while in the cold light of day this was two points dropped to the team sitting second bottom of the table, in the end it almost felt like a win, so unlikely had it seemed even five minutes before the end.

Montrose remain outside the playoff spots for the meantime, but with just nine points separating first and ninth in the table, there's a long way to go.

Man of the Match: Bryan Deasley left it late to emerge from his shell, creating Johnston's goal with a surging run and composed pass. Paul Watson's finishing made the difference between a draw and a defeat.

But for me, today's key performer was Stuart McKenzie in goals, without whom Montrose really would have been dead and buried by half time. His saves kept the scoreline more respectable than it might have been, laying the foundation for the late recovery.

Season 2013/2014: Match 3: Montrose 2 Albion Rovers 1 (Scottish Professional Football League Two)

Attempting to leave Dungroanin' for the sub-Arctic environs of Links Park this afternoon, I was accosted by Little Jocklette, who at the age of two and a half is now chief overseer of everything that happens in our lives.

Little Jocklette: "Where are you going Daddy?"

Groanin' Jock: "To the football."

LJ: "My coming too" (this was phrased as a statement, not a question).

GJ: "I don't think so. It's cold outside, and I'll be there a long time, and you can stay here and watch Dumbo."

LJ: "No, my going to the football" (Jocklette considers the conversation finished, and begins searching for welly boots, jacket and gloves).

GJ: "No, I think you should stay here with Mummy."

LJ: (Voice coming from inside a practical if unorthodox hat/hood combo) "No, my going to the football. Come on Daddy, let's go."

Five further minutes of attempting to convince Obergruppenfuhrer Jocklette that she'd be much happier at home later (whilst also trying not to convince myself), the two of us were en route to the Basinside Bernabeu.

With the benefit of hindsight, I should have been glad to take her with me - in three visits to watch Montrose in action, she has never seen them lose. Her previous matches were a 3-1 win over East Stirlingshire (when she memorably shouted "Oh No!" when Jonathan Crawford received the ball in central midfield) and a 5-1 destruction of Annan Athletic last season.

It looked like she was on a hat-trick from early in today's match, the superb Bryan Deasley controlling on the edge of the box and firing over visiting goalkeeper Neil Parry.

But, as is so often the case when watching Stuart Garden's men in action, they seemed to hit the self-destruct button from the midpoint of the first half, frequently losing possession, defending with wild desperation, and becoming incapable of stringing more than two passes together.

It therefore came as no surprise when Mark McGuigan bundled the ball over the line in the 24th minute, the Montrose defence having fallen asleep in their own box.

From that point onwards, the home side rode their luck for the best part of an hour, only truly stepping up their level of play in the final half hour of the match. Paul Watson came close with a series of long range efforts, while Gareth Roger had a 30-yard strike tipped over.

When the Montrose winner came, it was Beasley who struck again, beating Parry with an audacious lob from 25 yards.

This was a curious match, in that Montrose were ultimately deserving winners, but could also have been on the end of a major hiding.

There are still a number of problems in the side - a lack of extensive strength in depth being one, alongside an over-reliance on Garry Wood and Bryan Deasley.

In defence, Stephen McNally continues to provide cause for concern - two seasons ago he was one of the strongest and most reliable players on the park, week-in, week-out - but now his performances are frequently erratic, with poor distribution and positioning haunting his game.

Montrose need to be better at holding onto leads, and to improve their concentration. The quality is there, and they have players who can keep the ball and pass - they just need to be reminded they can do so.

Anyway, it looks as though I will need to continue bringing Little Jocklette to Links Park - at a cost each week of a bottle of juice, a packet of Rainbow Drops and a running commentary throughout the match: "Look Daddy, a ball" "Daddy, where's the mole gone?" "Look Daddy, a bus" "My go down the stairs and play on the grass".

Still, few Montrose fans can boast a record as impressive as P3 W3 D0 L0 F10 A3 Pts 9...

Man of the Match: There were two outstanding players today. On any other day, Gareth Roger would have been my man of the match, keeping his head when all those around him were losing theirs in the 40 minutes spanning half time.

But Bryan Deasley was the best player on the park by a comfortable margin today. Not only did he score twice with majestic finishes each time, but he maintained a ferocious work rate, constantly seeking the ball and finding space to keep the Melchester Albion Rovers defence on its toes.

Season 2013/2014: Match 2: Montrose 1 Queen's Park 2 (Scottish Professional Football League Two)

Regular readers (both of you) will be aware that amongst my many gripes are:

A) The foolishness of engaging in outdoor activity in Scotland in any months between September and March. Add to this, if you will, the climatic effects of kicking off after dark in a ground beside the North Sea.

B) The utterly incomprehensible incompetence of football officials in the sewers of the Scottish 'professional' game.

Unusually, my normal pessimistic nature was offset by having seen Montrose dispose of East Stirlingshire three days earlier with what passes for discipline and control at Links Park.

Facing off against the team sitting bottom of the league, a team still looking for their first win of the season, a team that had traveled up from Glasgow that afternoon, and surely - SURELY - Montrose were destined for the top of Serie Z4, or whatever the multi-headed monster that is the SPFL is calling Division Three these days.

I should have known better. The twin impediments in Montrose's rise to become the creme de la creme of the 10 worst teams in Scotland were:

A) The Montrose players

and

B) Referee Mat Northcroft

Usually, I can sympathise with referees - they're on a hiding to nothing, and they're almost never going to please everyone all of the time.

Initially, I thought that Northcroft was having a decent match, allowing play to flow instead of whistling for every minor infringement.

But as the cold seeped into his brain, Northcroft reverted to type.

Firstly, he managed to pull more than seven minutes of second half injury time out of his arse. Queen's had taken the lead in the 25th minute when Blair Spittal cut inside Jonathan Crawford and curled a shot inside Stuart McKenzie's far post.

But Terry Masson looked to have snatched a point for Montrose right at (what should have been) the death, bundling the ball over the line at the second attempt in the 87th minute.

However, 10 minutes later a free kick was awarded against Garry Wood for having the temerity to allow his opposite number to climb onto his back. A quick free kick was spanked up the park, Liam Gormley controlled and fired low into the net.

It was a cruel blow, and Northcroft's decisions towards the end of the match defied all logic.

Jesus suffering fuck on a bike - is it too much to hope that someday we might be graced with a referee capable of making correct decisions for an hour and half?

I should point out, however, that Montrose were not entirely blameless when it came to the result. They eschewed the crisp passing of Saturday for aimless punts up the park, in the vain hope that Garry Wood had become Wayne Rooney since the weekend.

He hadn't, and their industry in their own half went unrewarded, as instead of playing the ball to feet, they opted instead to return it to their opponents as quickly as possible.

In David Gray, Scott Johnston, Bryan Deasley and Garry Wood, Montrose have some skilled ball players, but they can only work with what they're given.

Having said that, I do sometimes wonder if Scott Johnston is the hardest-working, least productive winger I've ever seen...

In fairness to Montrose, their evolution is continuing - 18 months ago they'd have lost this match by three or four goals.

But it's infuriating when we've seen them play so well, to watch them resort to hit and hope tactics just days later.

Man of the Match: This is a tough one to call, as the team performance was so disjointed that it was difficult for any of the players to shine. McKenzie again looked comfortable in the goal, and could do nothing about either of the Queen's goals. Wood was, as always, tireless up front, and with a bit of luck could have won the match for Montrose in the second half.

But the greatest goal threat came from Paul Watson, who seems to be thriving in his new role in the middle of the park, acting as a link between defence and attack, and proving a constant threat with his long range shots.

Season 2013/2014: Match 1: Montrose 2 East Stirlingshire 0 (Scottish Professional Football League Two)

Work trips to Singapore and London and a holiday in Oban had until today kept me away from the Montrose Maracana this season.

By all accounts, the campaign so far has been a mixed bag, and Division Three League Two is so tight that most of the clubs are within a few points of each other.

This was the first time I'd seen Bryan Deasley and Colin Wilson in the Montrose side, but both appeared to have slotted straight into the team.

Scott Johnston seems to have morphed from an angry woodpecker into a powerful driving winger, Paul Watson has evolved from an ineffective left back into a more useful central midfielder, and Ricky McIntosh spent the match doing his best Roberto Carlos impression.

I was also impressed with goalkeeper Stuart McKenzie, who commanded his box well under pressure, even if his distribution was a little shaky at times.

Montrose started well, Deasley having a shot well saved by Grant Hay after he was played in by Garry Wood.

The home side had the best of the play during the first half, but were denied by horrendous officiating. League Two may be a new brand name, but it appears to have inherited Division Three's scandalous referees and linesmen.

Montrose finally took the lead in the 34th minute, East Stirlingshire's Michael McGown sliding in to poke Garry Wood's shot into the bottom corner past Hay.

Wood and Watson also went close near the end of the half, Wood's diving header flying narrowly wide and Watson firing just over from 20 yards out.

While the on-pitch fare was pleasing enough, the best entertainment of the half was to be found on the terracing at the beach end of the ground, where a gazillion stewards spent 20 minutes wrestling with shirtless Shire neanderthals, before admitting defeat and summoning half of Tayside's police officers to provide support.

Back on the field, it took only six minutes of the second half for Montrose to double their lead, Terry Masson controlling the ball 25 yards from goal and shooting low into the net.

Shire worked hard in their search for a way back into the match, but Montrose remained well organised and saw the match out in relative comfort.

If they win against bottom of the table Queen's Park on Tuesday night, they have the chance to go top of the league. We live in hope...

Man of the Match: Most of the Montrose side looked good today, and McIntosh, Masson, McKenzie and Johnston all excelled. But Garry Wood again looked different class, holding the ball up well and bringing those around him into the play.

Value For Money

  
David Cameron, Prime Minister of the United Kingdom:  Salary £142,500

Angela Merkel, Chancellor of Germany: Salary £177,519 (based on today's exchange rate)

Barack Obama, President of the United States of America: Salary £250,394 (based on today's exchange rate)

Total combined salaries of Cameron, Merkel and Obama: £570,413

Ally McCoist, Manager, Rangers Football Club, Scottish League One: Salary (2012/13 season for Scottish Football League Division Three campaign) £825,000.

Poor Ally is only going to be on around £400,000 for this campaign.

I wonder if Obama could get three points from Rangers' clash with Airdrieonians in January?

The Blood Skies Omnibus

BOOK RELEASE: THE BLOOD SKIES OMNIBUS, Vol. 1

Vampires. Magic. War.

Welcome to the world After the Black.


This collected edition includes the first three novels of the Blood Skies saga — BLOOD SKIES, BLACK SCARS and SOULRAZOR — plus the all-new short story CRUCIFIX POINT.


Completely re-edited and featuring exciting new cover art by Barry Currey, the BLOOD SKIES OMNIBUS is a must-have for any Dark Fantasy or Military Sci-Fi collection!


BLOOD SKIES

Southern Claw warlock Eric Cross is a member of Viper Squad, ordered to pursue the renegade witch called Red across a war-torn wasteland before she can betray vital secrets to the Ebon Cities.


BLACK SCARS
Cross and a band of unlikely allies find themselves on the trail of a recently released evil as it stalks the land in search of its ancient enemy, leaving a trail of madness and destruction in its wake.


CRUCIFIX POINT
Sent to investigate a series of mysterious vanishings in the wastelands, Cross and his newly-formed mercenary team learn the true fate of those killed during the massacre at Crucifix Point.


SOULRAZOR
Cross and his team are tasked with halting enemy activity near the remote city-state of Fane, where vampire agents have teamed up with a former Revenger to locate a deadly weapon called Soulrazor.


Buy A Copy Now!

Amazon (US)

Amazon (UK)

Print Edition

Barnes & Noble

Smashwords


ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Steven Montano is an accountant by day and an author by night. Sadly, he doesn’t own a superhero costume. He’s also hopelessly addicted to books, films, music and video games, the darker the better.

Steven is the author of Blood Skies, Black Scars, Soulrazor, Crown of Ash, The Witch’s Eye, Tales of a Blood Earth 1 and 2 and something black…. He’s currently hard at work on Blood Angel Rising, a horror novel; Chain of Shadows, the next installment in the Blood Skies series; and Path of Bones and The Black Tower, the remaining books in The Skullborn trilogy.


He lives in Washington State with his wife, two children, a dog of below-average intelligence, and a ridiculous number of books and bottles of wine.

Visit Steven’s official website, bloodskies.com

New Dan Brown Book Out Today!

Dan Brown's new book is released today. Here's a quick preview:

A genius in the field of cryptography, who also happens to be devilishly handsome, hilariously funny and great in bed, receives a strange call from someone they’ve never met asking them to go somewhere they’ve never been.

A mysterious phrase is carved into the skull of a blind man. But it just so happens that our hero can decipher this gory message.

It’s the masons that did it. Or the Pope. Or the Illuminati. They’re all the same anyway.

For reasons that aren’t entirely clear, they end up in Cairo, which we discover is where God has been living for the past 45,000 years. God doesn’t want to be found. But our hero knows where to find him. He’s known all along, but for reasons known only to himself, has never acted on this information.

Our hero’s lifelong confidant has secretly been the Pope all along. Despite having known that God lives in Cairo, and being able to decipher 100-year-old texts just by giving them a quick glance, our hero never noticed that his best pal was moonlighting as the Pope.

Our hero kills the masons, the Pope and the Illuminati. God moves to Thurso and is never seen again.

Our hero gets to sh@g three stupendously beautiful women in the three days covered by the story. While rescuing God and killing the masons, the Pope and the Illuminati.

The End. Or is it?