Season 2025/26 - Match 3: Montrose 2 Peterhead 1 (William Hill League 1)

Deja vu all over again - in the past decade, the team I've seen most (after Montrose) are Peterhead, Montrose and the Fishy Jailers generally having jumped between the bottom two divisions in sync with each other.

The Fishy Jailers are, of course, now in their post-Jim McInally, post-Rory McAllister period, reducing their massive walloper ratio significantly.

The reigning Serie Z4 champions are now managed by Jordon Brown and Ryan Strachan, the "two heads are better than one" strategy aiming to prevent their stay in League 1 being limited to a single season.

Facing a Montrose team that has struggled in the league so far this season, the Fishy Jailers must have been cautiously optimistic, but Montrose raced into a two-goal lead in the first 22 minutes, Aidan Quinn lumbering forward to poke a corner low into the net, and Ewan Loudon showing some good awareness to roll a quick free kick to Graham Webster, whose low cross was sent into the net by Blair Lyons.

If the Montrose forward line looks relatively threatening against fellow part-timers, the back line is still prone to mass panic, and a complete inability to clear what looked like a simple ball led to Peterhead pulling a goal back in the 34th minute, Kieran Shanks stooping to send a free header into the net.

The Montrose defence is in a state of quandary - Sean Dillon is the most composed of the Gable Endies defenders, but at 42 is obviously not a long term option. He needs someone faster beside him, but not necessarily the flappable Quinn. Evan Towler may be the solution once he beds in, if Montrose can adapt to a back four of Steeves, Towler, Dillon and Freeman until Kerr Waddell can be coaxed back to fitness.

Michael Tidser, who started today, might be the player Montrose need in the middle of the park, a combative midfielder who can lead by example, pick a pass, and drive his team forwards.

Unfortunately, Google and Wikipedia equate playing for Montrose with retirement:

The second half started with arms and legs flying, Montrose winning a penalty for some casual brutality from Peterhead's Aaron Steele on Callum Sandilands. Ewan Loudon's penalty was weak though, and Jack Newman saved with his legs.

Otherwise, the second half was scrappy, both sides creating chances but unable to capitalise. Peterhead, 25 years on from their shift from the Highland League into the SPFL, still have some of the agricultural defensive style of their former home, and their defenders spent most of the second half throwing Sandilands and Loudon forcefully to the sandy plastic monstrosity that is the new Links Park pitch.

But Montrose clung on to pick up a first league win of the season. With Hamilton apparently about to be liquidated, what happens over the rest of the season will make for an interesting watch.

Season 2013/2014: Match 1: Montrose 0 Peterhead 3 (The Petrofac Cup Round 1)

The last time I saw Montrose beat Peterhead was in November 2012. Since then, they've lost Martin Boyle and Jamie Winter, and have lost 6-0 to Peterhead at Links Park.

Using the well-honed skill and judgement that comes with the territory of being an amateur pundit, I today predicted that Montrose would not win their first competitive match of the season.

The reasons for this prediction included:

1) Montrose's lack of a real goalscorer - Garry Wood is a striker who rarely strikes, and Bryan Deasley seems to have forgotten he ever was one. Scott Johnston runs a lot but seems to forget what he was trying to do when he gets where he was going.

2) Montrose continue to play Alan Campbell and his arthritic knees at centre back, while Paul Watson has polished his game down to a solid core of wandering around, shouting at his team-mates and trying audacious long-distance shots.

3) Peterhead are, though it pains me to say it, a very good side (when speaking comparatively alongside the rest of the scrapings in the bottom two levels of the SPFL barrel).

4) Montrose are pish.

Even the previously unbreakable lucky charm of Little Jocklette was unable to counteract the Rory McAllister effect, daughter dear seeing Montrose lose for the first time, in her fourth visit to the North Sea Nou Camp.

Peterhead took the lead in the fifth minute, Andy Rodgers' header dropping inside the far post from a James Stevenson corner, despite Ross Graham's best efforts to Riverdance it to safety.

The visitors doubled their lead in the 17th minute when McAllister broke into a light jog which saw him race clear of the Montrose defence, before he slipped a low shot into McKenzie's net.

They completed the scoring before the half hour mark, Rodgers cutting the ball back for Stevenson to sidefoot home.

Having all but lost the match already, Montrose were further hindered when referee Colin Steven showed Graham Webster a red card for allowing Peterhead's Jamie Redman to smash into him with a sliding challenge.

He was joined in the Montrose dressing room by Garry Wood early in the second half, the Montrose skipper adjudged to have committed a professional foul on McAllister, although there looked to be little or no contact between the two.

If Webster and Wood thought they were having a bad afternoon, it probably got a whole lot worse when they were joined by Big Mad Lee Wilkie, the raging assistant manager banished to the dressing room lest he forcibly remove assistant referee Joseph Lawson's head from his shoulders. One would imagine that was an uncomfortable 45 minutes for the red-carded players.

After the second red, there was little action on which to report - Peterhead pissed about with the ball in their own half, occasionally gave Rory McAllister a chance to make Campbell look like a fud, and fired a few long distance shots at Stuart McKenzie just to check he wasn't sleeping.

And that was that. Three goals conceded, none scored, two men sent off and suspended.

Welcome to the new season...

Man of the Match: Slim pickings from Montrose. Without Stuart McKenzie in goals, it could have been a lot worse, so we'll go for him.

Season 2013/2014: Match 8: Montrose 2 Peterhead 3 (Scottish Professional Football League Two)

The ingredients for yesterday's encounter between mediocre Montrose and promotion-chasing Peterhead:

• Two pints of lager and a chilli burger from The Picture House
• Four friends, three of them making their first visit as paying punters at the North Sea Nou Camp.
• The insane ramblings of my lesser-spotted press corps colleague.
• A sublime Garry Wood strike from 20 yards out to open the scoring.
• A less sublime Alan Campbell own goal four minutes into the second half to level the scores, the big pudding resorting to type after his recent sterling performances.
•  A well-taken goal from professional walloper Rory McAllister, the striker sent clear then rounding Stuart McKenzie and shooting into the empty net.
• McAllister's second 'goal' -  a lob that bounced down off the crossbar and landed in front of the line, but deemed to be across it by the far side linesman.
• Terry Masson's great strike for an injury time consolation, the substitute controlling on the edge of the box and firing into the bottom corner.

All of it - Montrose scoring a comedy own goal, Garry Wood and Bryan Deasley working hard up front, third-world refereeing, the random gibberish being spouted in the stand, Rory McAllister being a dick - was entirely in keeping with type.

By the end, it had all become too much for George Shields to deal with, the Montrose assistant manager randomly launching balls into the Peterhead dugout, possibly in an attempt to spark a 30-man brawl and have the match abandoned.

The result leaves Montrose third from bottom of Serie Z-6, with the chance to go second bottom if Elgin beat Queen's Park in their game in hand.

Garden must go? Hardly - but for the spectacularly unfunny comedy refereeing, Montrose were generally a match for Peterhead, McAllister excepted.

I know I say it every week - but there's a desperate need for a few more bodies (preferably some of them living) at Link's Park.

Do we dare to dream that we can be better than mediocre?

Man of the Match: If we were taking both teams into account, it would easily be McAllister, who was head and shoulders above those around him. From a Montrose point of view, I'd go with Garry Wood for a great opening strike and his typically tireless shift up front.

Season 2012/2013: Match 16: Montrose 0 Peterhead 6 (Irn-Bru Scottish Football League Division Three)

A snapshot of Montrose's results over the past few weeks:

Montrose 2-2 East Stirlingshire
Stirling Albion 3-1 Montrose
Montrose 4-1 Elgin City
Montrose 5-1 Annan Athletic
Queen's Park 1-2 Montrose
Berwick Rangers 4-0 Montrose

Making Montrose one of the most erratic teams in Scotland. Today they 'welcomed' Peterhead to the North Sea Nou Camp, letting the Balmoor side experience a slightly different style of driving horizontal rain than they're used to in the shadow of the sex offenders' prison.

Montrose knew a win would see them push even further ahead of their visitors in the quest for a playoff place, both sides seeking to win an imaginary berth in the non-existent playoffs to a division that won't exist next season.

Napoleon Dynamite lookalike Jonathan Crawford was suspended today, while Alan Campbell and his auld manny's knees were joined on the injured list by Alan Campbell's auld manny's back, giving Stuart Garden what the Daily Record would refer to as a selection headache. Rather than attend his headache with paracetamol, Mr Garden instead opted to shuffle his pack in an unfathomable manner, pushing Terry Masson to right back and selecting Stephen McNally alongside Mary Shelley's Paul Lunan at centre back.

The Montrose selection was, quite frankly, a fucking disaster. Peterhead ripped Montrose a new arsehole down the left, so much so that they'd scored three in the first half hour. Enough was enough for Garden, Big Mad Lee Wilkie and George Shields, so they performed a swapsie with their McIntoshes, Leighton coming on for Ricky, Garry Wood moving to centre half, Masson pushing up into midfield and McNally restored to right back.

Montrose's best chance in the first half came immediately after Rory McAllister had scored Peterhead's second. The home side launched an attack immediately from the restart, an attack that ended when Scott Ross flattened Garry Wood in the box.

Jamie Winter, having one of his girnier days, stepped up and dinked a weak shot to visiting keeper Graeme Smith's right. The keeper didn't have to be at his best to make the save, and recovered quickly enough to save Winter's volley from the rebound as well.

That essentially summed up Montrose's half, when hand-delivered gilt-edged chances were spurned.

They started the second half in a brighter frame of mind, Winter coming close with a 40(!) yard free kick, while Leighton McIntosh had the ball in the net, only for the goal to be disallowed due to a foul on Smith.

It looked as though the match was heading for a 3-0 home defeat when McAllister, looking to complete his hat-trick, was taken out in the box by hapless home goalkeeper John Gibson. He was shown a straight red card, and Montrose had used all three substitutes. Striker/centre back Garry Wood  donned Gibson's jersey and gloves and immediately faced Grade A wanker Rory McAllister from the penalty spot.

The massive walloper looked to have missed his hat-trick opportunity when he battered his kick off the post, but Montrose had one final and spectacular collapse left in them, shipping three more goals in the final three minutes. McAllister completed his hat-trick and Andy Rodgers knocked in two to give Montrose their heaviest defeat of the season.

By the end, they were taking the piss so much that they introduced one of the Jedward twins as a substitute.

This was a miserable afternoon for Montrose, who were poor in every position and never looked up for the match at all. Masson's performance at right back was shaky, gifting Peterhead their opener with a weak clearance. The Montrose left was ripped raw by McAllister and David Cox, and Paul Lunan had an abominable match at centre back, giving the ball away frequently and too often opting for long balls that didn't suit the strikers playing in front of him.

Recent results have shown that Montrose's play-off push isn't as robust as might have been hoped, and that most of the teams in the division are much of a muchness (Montrose beat Annan 4-1. Annan then won at Ibrox...)

They can still do it, there's no doubt about that. But the last two weeks have sown significant seeds of doubt.

Man of the Match: Almost no contenders. All of the players struggled, and some of them were simply very poor. McNally showed a bit of drive in the second half, trying hard to push Montrose back into the match. But Garry Wood, shifted to centre back in the first half, succeeded in shackling the previously rampant McAllister, before turning makeshift goalkeeper after Gibson's red card.

Season 2012/2013: Match 10: Montrose 2 Peterhead 0 (Irn-Bru Scottish Football League Division Three)

Earth spins on its axis largely because some natural phenomena remain constant, such as the planet's distance from the sun, its close relationship with the moon and the sure-fire knowledge that Montrose are pish at football.

Quite what Mother Earth makes of the Gable Endies sitting fourth (FOURTH!) in the Division Three table is anyone's guess. But I can't help but feel that the planet's recent passion for hurricanes, snow storms, monsoons, volcanoes and other such ostentatious displays of ferocity have something to do with Stuart Garden's men sitting in the play-off spots.

The fact that they're doing it with a squad that has lost Martin Boyle to the Dundee substitute's bench, but that is otherwise largely the same group of players that has toiled over the past four seasons, is surprising in itself (although any side able to remove the twin liabilities that were Messrs Smart and Cameron is probably on the road to redemption, even if Dougie is back as the new club mascot).

Today's performance over big-spending Peterhead (copyright every journalist who has covered the Balmoor side over the past 18 months) was another marked by hard graft across the whole squad, with a well-linked defence and midfield, and an industrious front line.

Garry Wood and Leighton McIntosh appear to be gelling well as a striking partnership, even if the latter player still seems averse to actually scoring goals. Wood was the key component of the attack today, scoring Montrose's first with a shot placed in the bottom corner in the fourth minute then creating the second when he beat Ryan Strachan and squared the ball for Terry Masson to sweep the ball into the net.

Jamie Winter may have toned down his need to play a Steven Gerrard-inspired Hollywood pass every time he gets the ball, but he's replaced the showboating with a previously-unseen work ethic. He's a real driving force in the middle of the park now, freeing Masson up to kick people and win his weekly yellow card.

Big Mad Lee Wilkie and his 3,000-yard stare also seem to be having an effect on the defence, possibly due to BMLW threatening to perform appendectomies on the players with his bare hands and no anaesthetic if they concede any goals. That would explain:

A) Why they kept a clean sheet today despite selecting Alan Campbell's Incredible Arthritic Knees alongside Jonathan 'Napoleon Dynamite' Crawford at centre back, even in the face of Peterhead ending the match with 17 strikers on the pitch.

B) Where Paul Lunan has been for the past few weeks.

Peterhead's squad really is filled with objectionable characters from front to back, from Ryan Strachan claiming that it was a "Peterheid baw" every time the ball went out of play, even those occasions when he had intentionally kicked it out of play; to mental David Cox, a player so disruptive he was sacked by Steven Tweed despite being a fairly decent footballer for a week or two; to the triumvirate of twats that is Robbie Winters, Martin Bavidge and Rory McAllister. Not since the days of van Hooijdonk, Cadete and Di Canio has one Scottish team fielded so many utter cunts in the same attack.

The visitors may have deployed those three ballsacks in an effort to break Montrose down, but it didn't work, Montrose displaying a grit and composure not normally associated with those donning the not-so-famous light blue shirts.

There's still a long way to go this season, and Montrose have played more games than every other team in Division Three. On the assumption that Rangers will win the title, there are half a dozen or maybe even more sides who will be looking for a play-off place.

That Montrose are even still in consideration with a third of the season gone speaks volumes for their improvement under Garden and BMLW. Long may it continue.

Editor's note: It has been brought to my attention that I have not been giving sufficient coverage to the witty insights, scintillating banter and just general awesomeness that I receive on a fortnightly basis from my press corps colleague.

I could remedy this by pointing out how much fun we have when I am forced to join the 267-mile pie queue at half time each week, even though I don't want anything, just so I can act as a banter receptor.

Or I could list the delightful and engaging conversations I am regularly dragged into, where all-too-frequent topics include the girth of Lee McCulloch's penis, famous Danish smack addict footballers and the merits of former footballer Barry Ferguson.

I could despair over being asked, ad infinitum, how much a corner flag costs, whether I think Sandy Wood is hot/big/cute/elegant and "what just happened?".

But I won't do that. None of it. I'll just post this picture drawn by my press colleague instead, as an insight into the world she inhabits.

Man of the Match: Another solid team performance today, with no-one disgracing themselves. Normally I'm inclined to go for attacking players when selecting my man of the match, and Garry Wood would have fitted the bill with a foot in both goals. But I actually thought that Alan Campbell had one of the best games I've seen him play, marhsalling the defence well even when Peterhead threw the kitchen sink at them in search of goals.

Season 2011/2012: Match 16: Montrose 1 Peterhead 3 (Irn-Bru Division Three)

The sun was deceptively shiny today, and I foolishly ventured to the Basin-side Bernabeu without wearing Antarctic survival gear.

Montrose's players were obviously feeling the chill, setting about their opponents at a frantic pace in an effort to keep warm.

We all know that Peterhead are the division's big spenders, deeming Rory McAllister worthy of £800 a week to not score goals against the assorted tradesmen, no-tradesmen, pig farmers and hammer throwers who lurk amongst the Division 3 defences.

But they were only a point ahead of Montrose going into today's match, and have spent most of the season in the bottom two.

Montrose should have been three or four ahead at the break, Peterhead goalkeeper Paul Jarvie having the game of his life to keep the home attackers at bay. Jamie Winter, who deems anything outside his own box as worth a shot, clattered the crossbar from wide on the left in the first half as well.

Despite having the the North Pole wind at their backs in the first half, playing the better football and creating more chances, Montrose were 1-0 down at the break, Graham Webster firing into the bottom corner after his first shot was blocked.

There's a fine line between pessimism and realism when it comes to Montrose, and I predicted at half time that, shooting into the wind, Montrose would end the match on the receiving end of a 4-0 hiding.

It looked as though my prediction was coming true within 10 minutes of the restart, David Ross poking across the line at the post and Bavidge lobbing home goalkeeper Michael Andrews two minutes later.

Midway through the second half, I asked my fellow members of the Links Park press corps when Martin Boyle had last scored. He had the ball in the net 30 seconds later, controlling a Winter pass, knocking the ball around Jarvie and shooting into the empty net.

The goal set up the possibility of an exciting end to the match, and while Montrose did manage to press Peterhead back into their own half, they couldn't add to their tally.

A disappointing result, but a decent performance that deserved at least a point. But for a catastrophic two-minute spell in the second half, Montrose might have got that point.

Man of the Match: There were no stand-out performances from Montrose. The defence let itself down with that disastrous two minutes in the second half, but Dougie Cameron in particular looked otherwise decent (I think Maz must have spiked the tablet she gave me before kick-off).

Martin Boyle's finish was well-executed, but he passed up another two or three chances. Scott Johnston had a busy but fruitless afternoon, but let himself down with some daft challenges and petulant outbursts. For me it's between the central midfield pair for Montrose's man of the match (Paul Jarvie had the best match of anyone on the park).

Terry Masson was typically combative, setting the tempo for Montrose early on and pushing forward to support Boyle and Johnston.

But Jamie Winter impressed me more, setting up Boyle's goal with a cracking pass and coming close himself on a couple of occasions.

FAO Ken Fit Like

FAO Ken Fit Like - I've circled myself in yellow!

Season 2011/2012: Match 6: Montrose 2 Peterhead 1 (Irn-Bru Division Three)

Before I start this report, I should remind both of my readers that I am legally obliged under Article 7, Clause 2 of the SFL Reporting Act (August 2011) to refer to Peterhead as "Big-spending Peterhead" at least once in my article.

However, plans to add an additional sub-clause to the effect that I must also refer to them as "the high-flying Balmoor side" were shelved roughly two games into the season.

Because you can't always buy success in football. Especially if your idea of success is paying Rory McAllister £600 a week to play against the assorted brickies, plumbers and astronauts who populate Irn-Bru Division Three.

Montrose's random assortment of part-timers gave one of their best team performances of the season today, working hard for each other, tracking back diligently, pushing forward en mass and generally getting stuck in all over the pitch.

Today wasn't a performance marked by extraordinary individual turns - this was a collective effort, and a collective "fuck you" to those who had them written off before the season, and this match, kicked off.

Peeeeeeeeeeeeeeterheeeeeeeeeeeid actually took the lead in this match, and it was McAllister's close control and neat finish that put them ahead after 12 minutes.

Both sides had chances during the remainder of the first half, and if Peterhead had scored it would have been a long way back for Montrose.

But the home side didn't stumble and didn't panic. They just kept on playing, although there were too many instances of them resorting to route one football, which demonstrably doesn't suit their attackers.

The equaliser, when it came, was as a result of a strong run from Sean Pierce, a constant threat to the Peterhead backline. His square ball outfoxed all of the visiting defenders, but was perfectly weighted for Terry Masson to slam the ball home.

After the break, both sides sought a winner, but the match began to tilt in Montrose's favour. The winner, when it came, was again the result of Pierce's persistance, the youngster chasing down visiting goalkeeper Paul Jarvie. The keeper panicked, failed to bring the ball under control, and Pierce dinked the ball into Martin Boyle's path, leaving him to poke into the empty net.

Too often we've seen Montrose collapse after taking the lead, in fact it happened in their most recent home match against Annan. But today they stuck it out, kept the ball and kept Peterhead at bay.

A great result for Montrose, and one that could be a kickstart to their season. They're now on nine points, six off the play-offs, while Peterhead are only one ahead of East Stirlingshire at the foot of the table.

I don't care too much for money, 'cos money can't buy me love....

Man of the Match: This was a collective performance, and everyone played their part. Particularly good were Terry Masson, who gave a commanding performance in the middle of the park; Stephen McNally, playing wide right and a constant driving force; Jonathan Smart, managing not to get sent off and leading the back line in the way we've heard he is capable for the first time; and Martin Boyle, whose pace again could have been his opponents' undoing, but who should have had a hat-trick today. Even Kneeheid Cameron was a force for good today, proving particularly dangerous from set pieces. But overall, the most important player was Sean Pierce, creating both goals and generally giving a tireless performance that bamboozled Peterhead's defence.