Season 2014/2015: Match 6: Montrose 2 Elgin City 3 (The Scottish Professional Football League Two)

Freezing cold in the final minutes of today's match, my bollocks furiously burrowing their way into my lower intestines as they sought the tiny bit of warmth remaining in my body, my brain became so cold that I momentarily thought that Montrose were going to stage an unexpected fightback.

Ross McCord had just curled a sublime free kick over the Elgin City wall and into the top corner, pulling the score back to 3-2 in the visitors' favour.

But not even five minutes of injury time could re-inject life into Montrose's fight against relegation, and the slide towards a life of away trips to Brora, Wick and Nairn continues.

Elgin should have gone in at half time with a five or six goal lead, but had to settle for two. Shane Sutherland, having noticed that Alan Campbell is slower than the movement of the tectonic plates, took it upon himself to tear Montrose's arthritic centre back a new rectal opening.

The visitors' first goal came in the 16th minute, Sutherland bursting almost straight through Campbell and curling a shot onto Stuart McKenzie's post. The rebound dropped into the centre of the box, where Dennis Wyness was on hand to stab the ball into the net.

They were two ahead in the 23rd minute, Sutherland again firing down the left  and sending a cross into the box. The ball bobbled up and into the path of Montrose's Ross Graham, the defender unable to do anything other than watch the ball bounce off his chest and into the net.

Sutherland and Wyness could each have had another brace, and Montrose could count themselves incredibly lucky still to be involved in the match at the end of the first 45 minutes.

When the half time whistle blew, I was ready to add my voice to the chorus asking that George Shields find something else to do with his Saturday afternoons.

But Montrose, presumably fresh from a severe half time bollocking, came out for the second half with a new-found intensity and purpose to their play. Paul Watson had a free kick tipped wide four minutes into the second half, and it took them only another minute to pull a goal back.

Trialist Michael Travis headed the ball down from a corner and Garry Wood pounced, lashing a half volley into the net.

Having pulled a goal back, Montrose's chances were further enhanced when Terry Masson rearranged Sutherland's skeleton for him, the best player on the park departing on a stretcher after an hour.

Montrose continued to have the best of the match as the second half went on, even having a Jonathan Crawford equaliser ruled out for shirt-pulling that was invisible to everyone except the far side linesman.

With two minutes of regulation time left, Sutherland's replacement Craig Gunn controlled the ball and rolled it straight through Campbell into the bottom corner.

That was all the encouragement many of Montrose's fans needed to stage a mass exodus, but those who walked out missed Montrose's too-little-too-late final effort from McCord.

Based on their second half performance, Montrose could well have been worth a point. Based on their first half showing, they were barely worth none.

I'm not usually a believer in changing managers mid-season, but something at Montrose needs to change, and rapidly. The side could be bottom of the league if the results of Elgin's and East Stirlingshire's games in hand go against them.

I've also been saying for the last wee while that Montrose have a good squad on paper, but now the tears in that paper can't be ignored. No-one in the defence looks particularly confident, and on days like today Campbell's lack of pace is a liability.

McCord and Deasley aren't the players they were a couple of years ago. Johnston continues to work hard but rarely produces much of note. Garry Wood's workrate is exemplary, but he's given so little to work with that he's continually left stranded.

Still, every cloud has a silver lining - it'll be nice to visit Golspie next February...

Man of the Match: Counting Elgin as well as Montrose players, Shane Sutherland was miles ahead of everyone else up until he was Massoned. Hopefully the injury isn't serious.

From Montrose's point of view, Leighton McIntosh looked bright up until he went off injured. But I'll go for Stuart McKenzie, without whom Montrose would have been dead and buried by half time.

Season 2013/2014: Match 12: Montrose 0 Elgin City 3 (Scottish Professional Football League Two)

Optimism and positivity tend to be in short supply in the stand, cow-shed and storm-ravaged terracing of Links Park, but today Montrose largely ditched their "launch it into the wind and see what happens" approach to the beautiful game and opted instead for slick passing and the creation of scores of chances.

They could have gone in at the break leading by four or five goals had it not been for some good saves from visiting goalkeeper John Gibson, some unlucky/poor finishing from Paul Watson, Scott Johnston and David Gray, and Bryan Deasley's inexplicably poor final balls.

Potentially four or five goals ahead at the break, but drawing 0-0 when Mat Northcroft blew for half time. Those of you aware of Montrose's recent history know where this is heading, don't you?

Montrose were still the better side in the second half, Campbell and Watson both coming close and Terry Masson shooting wide when it looked easier to score,

But it took only eight minutes for Elgin to score, Shane Sutherland (who was an international-class striker in Football Manager 2012) robbing Jonathan Crawford and poking the ball under Stuart McKenzie.

Two more goals followed, both scored by substitute Adam McLeod, and both after Montrose corners were cleared by long punts from the Elgin defenders.

So despite dominating the match, playing some attractive attacking football, regularly winning the ball and forcing Elgin into errors, Montrose contrived to lose 3-0 at home to the team second bottom of Scotland's lowest professional league.

Optimism and positivity tend to be in short supply...

Man of the Match: When Montrose were playing well today, they were as good as I've seen them all season - breaking fast, constantly pressing and looking for openings. Paul Watson and Terry Masson were the driving forces in the middle of the park, while David Gray created several chances and Bryan Deasley's work rate was second to none.

Leading them all by example was Scott Johnston, the youngster up front with Gray and a repeated threat to the Elgin defence. He seems to have bulked up recently, adding a previously unknown physical aspect to his play, as well as developing his final ball to be more effective.

Season 2013/2014: Match 4: Montrose 3 Elgin City 3 (Scottish Professional Football League Two)

Montrose were bereft of their lucky charm this week, Little Jocklette deciding to eschew the North Sea Nou Camp in favour of a nap and baking cookies with her mummy.

It therefore fell upon me to make the trek alone, in the knowledge that a Montrose win coupled with results going their way elsewhere could see them move up to second in the table, and the wisdom that that almost certainly would not happen.

Montrose's team looked strong on paper, although Gareth Roger's absence through injury left a gaping chasm in the centre of defence that neither Jonathan Crawford nor Colin Wilson could adequately fill.

With neither centre back entirely comfortable with the art of defending, they instead resorted to a comedy hair competition, Wilson emerging as the unanimous winner with fetching side parting/hideous moustache combination, presumably but hopefully not in aid of Movember - that bad boy has long-term potential.

Bryan Deasley - somehow having missed the cut for Gordon Strachan's Scotland squad despite his single-handed destruction of Albion Rovers a week earlier - lined up alongside Garry Wood in attack, while Terry Masson turned winger in the absence of anyone better qualified.

The Wood-Masson-Watson-Deasley axis of awesomeness looked likely to put Montrose ahead early on, but some magnificent saves from Raymond Jellema kept the scoresheet clear for the first 20 minutes.

It was former Aberdeen and Heart 'star' Dennis Wyness - a man whose wife one is not advised to dance with in an Aberdeen nightclub -  who opened the scoring at that point, backheeling Ross McKinnon's shot into the net.

Their lead lasted 10 minutes, at which point Montrose's answer to Jorg Albertz, Paul Watson, slammed a long-range shot into the bottom corner.

But as is the way of things down Wellington Street way, Montrose thereafter began to play like a bunch of hungover Sunday league players meeting for the first time. They could scarcely string two passes together, and found themselves camped in their own box for most of the time between their goal and half time.

Had it not been for some excellent saves from Stuart McKenzie, Montrose could have found themselves five or six goals down by the hour mark, rather than just two.

Elgin's second goal came on the stroke of half time, David Niven crossing for Wyness to tap home his second goal of the afternoon, the Montrose defence having left the park early to get a head start on the half time Hobnobs.

Their third came seven minutes after the break, Craig Gunn reacting quickest when Ross McKinnon's 30-yard free kick clattered off McKenzie's post. It was no surprise that Gunn was first to the ball, given that he was five yards offside when the free kick was taken.

It was at that point that I considered packing up my notepad and stopwatch, and heading home for a nap and some cookies.

Thankfully I chose to sit it out, and was rewarded with one of the least likely comebacks I've seen in a while.

I questioned Stuart Garden's sanity when he withdrew Garry Wood and Terry Masson on the hour mark, replacing them with Scott Johnston and Kieran Sturrock.

So there's a reason why he's the professional football manager and I'm just a smartass who watches football and occasionally gets paid to write about it.

Johnston scored Montrose's second goal after great play from Deasley. The on-loan Forfar man powered down the left, burst into the box and squared for Johnston to tap into the empty net - but with just three minutes remaining, it looked to be too little, too late.

With the clock ticking into its final seconds, a corner fell for Watson, and he slammed his shot into the roof of the net, before racing off to silence his detractors in the ranks of the Montrose faithful.

So, while in the cold light of day this was two points dropped to the team sitting second bottom of the table, in the end it almost felt like a win, so unlikely had it seemed even five minutes before the end.

Montrose remain outside the playoff spots for the meantime, but with just nine points separating first and ninth in the table, there's a long way to go.

Man of the Match: Bryan Deasley left it late to emerge from his shell, creating Johnston's goal with a surging run and composed pass. Paul Watson's finishing made the difference between a draw and a defeat.

But for me, today's key performer was Stuart McKenzie in goals, without whom Montrose really would have been dead and buried by half time. His saves kept the scoreline more respectable than it might have been, laying the foundation for the late recovery.

Season 2012/2013: Match 8: Montrose 2 Elgin City 2 (Irn-Bru Scottish Football League Division Three)

Odin having once again ignored my prayers either for A) Ice giants to be gone by kick-off at today's Third Division clash or B) For the match itself to be cancelled so I could stay at home and play Playstation without feeling guilty, I trudged to Links Park hoping for a win but expecting the more typical defeat.

There are a few reasons why Scottish people should stop playing football, chief among them being that we're shite at it and our weather doesn't lend itself to outdoor-based activities on approximately 364.5 of our days each year. The chances of one of the good half days coinciding with a Montrose fixture are always slim.

Nonetheless, Montrose and Elgin braved the frozen steppes of Eastern Angus for what could loosely be termed a football match. Bereft of the suspended Stephen McNally, Stuart Garden allowed bravery to override common sense, selecting Alan Campbell and his 73-year-old legs at right back, at least giving the 346 assembled supporters the hope that they might see an elderly arthritic gentleman rip himself in half attempting to keep pace with a winger roughly 84 times faster than himself.

Montrose looked lively enough in the opening spell, although any team relying on Leighton McIntosh to score goals is always going to face slim pickings. Elgin had the ball in the net after seven minutes, but theatrical referee David Somers (who lent his performance a degree of pantomime with a mime-based repertoire that echoed Ramiro Gonzalez's finest work) ruled that there had been a foul in the build-up.

Elgin took the huff and took it out on Montrose, thanks to Paul 'Lurch' Lunan and his multi-haircut oblonged head forgetting they were supposed to be defending. Lurch had the best view in the Basinside Bernabeu as Stuart Leslie jinked into the box and slipped a low shot straight through Sandy Wood to open the scoring.

There's an old saying that runs along the lines of "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me". Sandy Wood's version is "Make me look like a useless lump of a keeper once, shame on me. Try it a second time and I'll empty you in the box you wee prick".

Just nine minutes after opening the scoring, Leslie was through on goal again, but this time, as he took the ball around the goalkeeper, Wood caught the striker's ankle with his hand. Professional foul, straight red card, penalty kick.

David Crawford, expecting to do nothing more strenuous during the match than feed Lee Wilkie the raw meat that keeps him youthful looking but insane, had turned up wearing his mum's tights, what with there being snow and everything. As a result, he looked even more of a fanny than usual when he came striding onto the pitch to replace Sentoff Wood and Substituted Morton.

I am legally obliged at this point to use the words: "The substitute goalkeeper's first touch of the ball was to pick it out of the net", Moore sending him the wrong way from the spot.

Those pessimists/realists/people who have seen Montrose attempt to play football before realised that the match was over, and I began to weigh up the merits of sitting in a cold concrete shed against going home and having Little Jocklette demand I read her the same story book 3,465 times every hour.

Against my better judgement, I decided to stick it out and subject myself to the athletic endeavours on the field and the quality banter in the stand (I use both terms loosely).

And despite their numerical disadvantage, Montrose actually began to find a way back, thanks in no small part to the introduction of flat-faced assassin Garry Wood. The big striker gave a tremendous shift as a human battering ram, allowing Leighton McIntosh more space to do his thing (run around a lot not scoring goals). Ominously for Elgin, Jamie Winter had eaten his half-time tray of pies and was beginning to hone his sights on goal.

It was Wood who gave the first glimmer of hope, collecting a pass from Johnston wide on the left and launching a sweet half volley over John Gibson and into the net.

But referee Somers hadn't completed his routine, and decided to upstage the home side by awarding a penalty to Elgin immediately afterwards, having adjudged Moore flicking the ball against Terry Masson's arm to be worthy of a spot kick.

Moore stepped up to the spot for a second time and this time sent a feeble effort almost straight at Crawford.

Montrose were galvanised and pressed forward. But the clock continued to tick (as clocks have a habit of doing), and two minutes into stoppage time, it looked to be all over for Montrose. Then they were awarded a free kick 30-odd yards from goal.

Cometh the hour, cometh the man. The pie grease congealing nicely in his arteries, Jamie Winter stepped up, watched as the ball was rolled back to him and launched a howitzer of a strike directly into the top corner of the net. Then decided to get it right up Ross Jack by way of celebration.

It was no more than Montrose deserved for a gritty second half performance when a man down. If they could play like this every week, talk of a play-off place wouldn't be the stuff of jokes.

Apologies, my brain appears to have frozen. Common sense will be resumed next week...

Man of the Match: Montrose were fairly useless in the first half, particularly when they didn't have the ball. But in the second half they were bordering on very good, especially as they played with only 10 men for an hour. Garry Wood's goal and performance in general would normally have been enough for a Man of the Match award, but for me it has to be Jamie Winter, maintaining calm in the midfield and stepping up with an awesome strike when it was most needed.

Season 2010/2011: Match 18: Montrose v Elgin City

The sun was shining today, and the summery weather seemed to inject Montrose with a bit of life.

This was the first time I've seen Montrose since Steven Tweed quit/flounced off in a huff.

Montrose were looking for their first win in six games, and by all accounts they've been decent but have just lacked the killer touch over the last few matches.

That was definitely obvious today, and the home side should have scored five or six today.

In the end they only got the one, but that was enough to take all three points.

It was a well-taken chance, Jonathan Crawford meeting Daryl Nicol's cross with a perfectly-placed header.

Both sides had chances, and today was the first time that I've actually believed that our Argentine mime artist Gonzo is a goalkeeper. He made some good stops and blocks, and even kicked with his right foot at least once.

In fact, Montrose generally looked quite good today. Aaron Sinclair had probably his best game of the season, playing at left back, although there were a few defensive slips from his team-mates.

Stephen McNally was his usual industrious self at right back, and the midfield was solid and fairly creative.

The front line of Nicol and Boyle was very lively throughout, and if Montrose were suffering from top goalscorer Paul Tosh's departure to Peterhead, they didn't show it.

Too many chances were passed up for this performance to be truly great, but a win is a win, and those have been few and far between at Links Park over the past two years.

Hopefully Ray Farningham will take the Montrose job permanently and will have a clear vision of how to take the side forwards.

Of the team that started today, I'd now keep Gonzalez, McNally, Davidson, Boyle and Nicol. Sinclair I would sell for the right price, even though he's a great player on his day. I'd keep most of the backline if they could eliminate the silly mistakes. But it would be end of the road for Dougie Cameron, who looks too sloppy in his passing and seems to make odd decisions too frequently.

Cameron passed up a glorious chance today, hammering a volley high and wide from six yards out when it looked easier to score.

Onwards and upwards for Montrose? Maybe. There were certainly green (or blue) shoots today anyway.

Man of the Match: This could easily have gone to one of a number of players. Gonzalez looked like a goalkeeper for the first time, and kept Montrose ahead with a lot of good saves. Hugh Davidson looked reliable in midfield, and Aaron Sinclair seems to have been rejuvenated by his move to left back. But today's key player was Daryl Nicol, who worked tirelessly (as did strike partner Martin Boyle), creating chances throughout and setting up Crawford's goal with a great run and cross.

Season 2009/2010: Match 9: Montrose v Elgin

I give up.

I've spent a lot of money watching Montrose over the past few years - as I've become fond of saying £140 is a lot of money to watch joiners playing football.

It's even more money to watch them not play football.

Saturday's match was an opportunity for The Worst Team In Scotland to close the gap on The Second Worst Team In Scotland.

Elgin are gash. As are all of the teams in Division Three, with the possible exception of Livingston, who are marginally less gash due to being the only full-time side in the division.

The Montrose team of two seasons ago would have demolished this Elgin side. But that seems like a lifetime ago, and this Montrose side lack confidence, ability, composure and everything else associated with a football team on the up.

It's beyond a joke now. The team and the club are a laughing stock.

I am seriously considering jacking it in. £10 a week to sit in a freezing cold concrete shed to watch whatever random assortment of Toms, Dicks and Harrys Steven Tweed is fielding this week isn't feeling like a sensible decision nowadays. The official attendance was 280 on Saturday, but that was a guess because nobody was bothering to count the poor souls trickeling through the gate. I'd have said it was below 250.

Most people have stopped caring. I include the players in that. The only one who seemed to give a toss got sent off in the first half for a second booking.

Missing Chris Hegarty, the side immediately went into freefall, conceding goals either side of half time. By the time Elgin added a brace in second half injury time, any hope of a comeback was long abandoned.

The Worst Team In Scotland? It's not even a competition any more

Season 2008/2009: Match 15: Montrose v Elgin City

In the bleak midwinter, many matches across the UK were cancelled yesterday due to frozen pitches and conditions more suited to sitting inside and watching TV than sitting in a concrete and steel cowshed and watching what passes for football on this chilly wee island.

Angus alone saw both Brechin's Glebe Park and Forfar's Station Park deemed unplayable, but we're made of sterner stuff in Montrose. And our pitch is plastic.

So, having passed a 10.30am pitch inspection, Links Park was ready for action come 3pm. And by 3.05pm, Montrose were a goal behind, having conceded a goal to Kenny Wright, a striker decked out in pink boots.

Seriously, isn't there a law against Third Division players wearing pink boots? There was a time when only the super-talented, multiple cap-holding world superstars wore even white boots, but now we have part-time players on the lowest rung of the Scottish professional game wearing pink boots. I think FIFA needs to get involved.

Anyway, Montrose were trailing from the fifth minute, but never really looked like losing the match. They equalised in the ninth minute, Roddy Hunter sending a low shot skipping across the plastic and under Ally Ridgers for the equaliser.

The Links Park side were ahead a minute into the second half, Paul Hegarty's son Chris scoring his first Montrose goal from the penalty spot following a foul by David Niven on Stephen Black.

Skipper Keith Gibson added a third in the 73rd minutes, Ridgers again beaten by a shot from the edge of the box, the ball again slipping underneath him.

Gibson had the ball in the net again later, when it appeared he chested it across the line, but referee Craig Charleston deemed the finish to be handball and instead booked the midfielder.

So, Montrose recorded a win in their first match of 2009, moving back into the play-off spots in the process, although they've played more matches than most of their near rivals.

But on form like yesterday's, they're worthy of their billing as promotion chasers.