New Dan Brown Book Out Today!

Dan Brown's new book is released today. Here's a quick preview:

A genius in the field of cryptography, who also happens to be devilishly handsome, hilariously funny and great in bed, receives a strange call from someone they’ve never met asking them to go somewhere they’ve never been.

A mysterious phrase is carved into the skull of a blind man. But it just so happens that our hero can decipher this gory message.

It’s the masons that did it. Or the Pope. Or the Illuminati. They’re all the same anyway.

For reasons that aren’t entirely clear, they end up in Cairo, which we discover is where God has been living for the past 45,000 years. God doesn’t want to be found. But our hero knows where to find him. He’s known all along, but for reasons known only to himself, has never acted on this information.

Our hero’s lifelong confidant has secretly been the Pope all along. Despite having known that God lives in Cairo, and being able to decipher 100-year-old texts just by giving them a quick glance, our hero never noticed that his best pal was moonlighting as the Pope.

Our hero kills the masons, the Pope and the Illuminati. God moves to Thurso and is never seen again.

Our hero gets to sh@g three stupendously beautiful women in the three days covered by the story. While rescuing God and killing the masons, the Pope and the Illuminati.

The End. Or is it?

"A Good Product Which Does What It Says"

A colleague forwarded this link to me, and I've spent the last 20 minutes crying with laughter at my desk, much to the alarm of those sitting near me.

The reviews on this Amazon product page are comedy gold.

School Trip

Stolen from Tropical Fish Forums UK

Face Recognition

Glasgow Pub Admittance Policy

Dark Humour

I received an email today that purported to be a true story from Campbeltown.

Apparently, a business in the town has the following poster in its window:

"We would rather do business with 1,000 Al Qaeda terrorists than with one single British soldier".

While on the face of things that would appear to be a fairly antagonistic message to display in the window of a British business, the email claims that the business in question is....

....a funeral parlour.

So, Argyll residents, is that a true story?

Fuel Economy

A recent study conducted by Aberdeen University found that the average Scotsman walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study by the Scottish Medical Association found that Scotsmen drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

This means, on average, Scotsmen get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Sectarian Pandas Shocker

Whae's Like Us? Revisited

A good while back, I posted a great Scottish put-down that I'd received by email.

Today, I received another big pile of them from a friend, and felt that the Blogosphere should be allowed to share them - these are not for the easily offended.

She had a fanny like a stab wound in a gorilla's back

Look's like she's been dooking for apples in a chip pan

Had more hands up her than Sooty

She's got a face like a dog lickin' pish affa nettle

It looks like she's been set on fire and put out with a golf club

She's got a face that could make an onion cry

I wouldn't ride her into battle

Everyone has a right to be ugly, but she abuses the privilege

Mair chins than a Chinese phone book

She smells like an alkies carpet

She has seen more japseyes than an oriental optician

It's like shaggin a pail of water

It's like shaggin the sleeve off a wizard's cloak

She's killed more cocks than a fowl butcher

Fanny like a ripped out fireplace

Face like a sand blasted tomato

Arse like a bag of washing

She sweats like a dog in a Chinese restaurant

She's seen more helmets than Hitler

Face like a stuntman's knee

She's got a fanny like a badly packed kebab

Like opening the window and shagging the night

She's seen more cockends than weekends

I left her with a face like a painter's radio

Fanny like a clown's pocket

Fanny like a hippo's yawn

Fanny like a burst couch

She's that ugly not even a sniper would take her out

More pricks than a second hand dartboard

Face like a blind joiner's thumb

She's done more lengths than Duncan Goodhew

She's been shot over more times than Sarajevo

Even the tide wouldn't take her out

Got more finger prints on her than Scotland Yard

Handled more balls than Dino Zoff

Pish flaps like John Wayne's saddle bags

She had a pair of flaps on her like a gutted trout

A face like she's been ram raiding on a scooter

She's had more seamen than Saltcoats

She's seen more stiffs than Quincy

Cocked more times than Elmer Fudd's shotgun

Calf Licks

This probably seemed like a good idea at the time....

Only In Japan

Thanks to Baby Brother for emailing this to me

Deck The Halls.....Oops, Wrong Holiday

It's that time of year when everyone's talking denial, betrayal, wooden crosses and resurrection.

So, to make sure I book my place right beside the fire at the end of days, here's something I found at Popped Culture via Alastair's Heart Monitor:

How Real Men Use Post-It Notes

Cheer Up Goth

I've decided to get an emo lawn laid at Dungroanin' this year.

Why?

Because it cuts itself.

Nedtivity

Today is Xmas party day at the office, starting at 3pm with Secret Santa. To get you all in the festive spirit, here's Glasgow's very own Nedtivity:

Scam Warning

I recently became the victim of a clever scam whilst out shopping at the Bon Accord Shopping Centre in Aberdeen, when simply going out to get some bits and pieces turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you.


Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good looking 18 or 19 year old girls come over to your car as you are loading your stuff into the boot. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windolene with their cleavage almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.


When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a lift to Holburn Street. You agree and they get in the back seat.


On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and perform oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.


I had my wallet stolen on October 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, three times just yesterday, and very likely again this upcoming weekend as soon as I can buy some more wallets.

Commonwealth Games

With Glasgow having been announced as the host city for the 2014 Commonwealth Games, the competition itineraray has been published:

OPENING CEREMONY: The Commonwealth flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown into the arena by a native of the Easterhouse area of the city, wearing the traditional costume of balaclava and shell suit.

THE EVENTS: Glasgae's previous competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of the local athletes...

100 METRES SPRINT: Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and a microwave oven (one under each arm) and on the sound of a starting pistol a police dog will be released 10 metres behind the athletes.

110 METRES HURDLES: As above but with added obstacles, ie car bonnets, hedges, gardens, fences, walls etc.

HAMMER: The competitors will be allowed to make a choice of hammer (claw, sledge, etc.). The winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within their allotted time.

WEIGHTLIFTING: From a standing position, competitors will have various electronic goods placed in their arms. In order to complete a lift, these must then be taken through the shop door and placed in a mate's van.

FENCING: Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen jewellery as possible within five minutes.

SHOOTING: A series of targets will be set up to establish the competitor's ability over a range of disciplines. The targets to be as follows:- 1 - A moving police van. 2 - A Post Office clerk. 3 - A bank teller or Securicor driver. 4 - Their next door neighbour's youngest child. NB - This target to be followed by the ritual cry of 'I thought he was a Bizzy' or 'He pulled a knife on me'.

BOXING: Entry to be restricted to husband and wife teams. Competition will take place on every Friday and Saturday night of the games.The husband will be given 15 pints of Stella, and the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS: Competitors will be asked to break into the Glasgae University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike, owned by some mummy's boy from the country on his first trip away from home. Against the clock.

CYCLING PURSUIT: As above, however this time the break-in must occur at a police station and must be witnessed by an officer.

TIME TRIAL: The competitor who can waste the most of the court's valuable time before being found guilty will be adjudged the winner.

MODERN PENTATHLON: Amended to include mugging, breaking & entering, flashing, joyriding and arson.

THE MARATHON: A safe route has yet to be decided, but the competitors will be issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up dog shit, crisp packets and used hypodermic syringes on their way round.

MEN'S 50Km WALK:
Q - Why does the Clyde run through Glasgae? A - Because if it walked it would get mugged.
Therefore for safety reasons this event has been cancelled.

RELAY: Each of four competitors to remove an appliance of their choice from a house in Kilbride and get it back to Glasgae using at least four different stolen cars.

ARCHERY: Each competitor will be given three needles, the winner will be the person who gets nearest to three different main veins in their own body.

DISCUS: Will be decided by which contestant can get a hubcap off a car and throw it to his mate the fastest.

In addition the following 'exhibition event' designed at promoting the local culture will be introduced:

PILLOW EATING: The contestant who can get the most pillow in their mouth after their 18 stone cellmate takes a shine to them will be adjudged the winner.

Smiley Smile

Some of you strange folks out on the worldwide interweb apparently find this site funny - probably just very occasionally.

In recognition of this, Tish over at The Kat House has presented me with the You Make Me Smile Award.

Says Tish: "Groanin’ Jock has a wonderful sense of humor, and I can always expect a laugh when visiting his blog."

My sense of humour is built almost entirely on sarcasm, which I have been told is the lowest form of humour, but the highest form of wit.

Anyway, to keep the torch burning, I should really nominate a couple of folks as recipients of the same award. Two of the sites where I can always expect a laugh are Horton's Folly and The Misssy M Missives. And what do you know - both Horton Carew and Misssy are Scots. I guess we're just the funniest race on Earth.

All wight?

In very poor taste, but funny nonetheless.

Those of you who don't know who Michael Barrymore is, type the name into Google alongside "murder" and "pool" and you'll find out soon enough.

Come Mr Taliban...

...Turn Over Bin Laden

Some of you may have seen this video in the past - I first discovered it in 2002 - but I found it again online this evening and remembered how much it amused me.

Bush's bongo-playing face cracks me up every time.....

(You need to have sound to get full enjoyment from the clip)