Season 2011/2012: Match 20: Montrose 0 Alloa Athletic 2 (Irn-Bru Division Three)

Over the past few weeks/months/years, Neil Lennon:

has developed quite a reputation for being an ungracious loser, convinced that there's a conspiracy whereby referees are out to deny his club "their" treble.

It's all bollocks of course, and part of the greater Celtic persecution complex whereby the SFA, UEFA, FIFA, the UK government, pro-Israeli governments, Andy Goram, HMRC, the Feudal System, potato blight, diving Portuguese midfielders, Kyle Lafferty, Alex Salmond, the English, the Masons and Ally McCoist are all geared towards denying Celtic their rightful place at the summit of Scottish, European and world football.

If the snaggle-toothed ginger wants to see what it's like living with week upon week of woeful refereeing, he should start following Montrose.

Today, Montrose were 10 minutes from a share of the points with Division Three champions elect Alloa. The visitors had Ryan Harding sent off after 18 minutes, the centre back misjudging the flight of a long ball from Dougie Cameron, getting caught the wrong side of Martin Boyle and deciding that his only option was to take the striker out.

But Mat Northcroft apparently decided to redress the balance in the 80th minute, awarding a penalty to Alloa and dismissing Alan Campbell for a professional foul. Which would have been perfectly fine had Campbell not clearly taken the ball before making contact with Stevie May.

Campbell walked, Ryan McCord stepped up to take the penalty, and Alloa never looked back.

Alloa doubled their lead two minutes later, McCord reacting fastest when Darren Young's 35-yard shot smacked off both posts before dropping in front of goal.

It's easy enough to say that the sending off cost Montrose the match, but the truth is that they played against 10 men for 72 minutes. Instead of keeping possession and passing the ball, they resorted to their tried and tested aimless and useless tactic of launching the ball as far up the park as possible at every opportunity.

It seems that Paul Lunan - a man with four contrasting haircuts competing for attention on his oblong head - and Dougie Cameron just want to get the ball as far away from themselves as possible - every time they're in possession, an aimless punt follows.

In a moment of sun-inspired pre-match jollity I composed a song in Dougie's honour. To the tune of "He's Got The Whole World In His Hands":

He's got a patella for a head

He's got a patella for a head

He's got a patella for a head

He's got a knee where his heid should be

I look forward to a rousing rendition at the next Montrose match.

Aside from the late Alloa flurry, Northcroft's unexplainable mental breakdown and Montrose's desire to play American Football rather than the proper type, there was little to note in today's match.

Except for one thing. It seems that Heath Ledger:

didn't die while filming The Dark Knight - he's alive and well and playing up front for Alloa under the alias Stevie May:

It's all a conspiracy...

Man of the Match: All in all, today was largely forgettable for Montrose. I barely remember them being in the Alloa box, despite having an extra man for three quarters of the match. If push comes to shove, I'd probably go for Paul Lunan, who looked solid at the back when not trying to launch the ball non-stop to Brechin.

Friday Ten: Ten Songs For A Sunny Day

I'm steadfastly ignoring all claims to include Dodgy...

1. Going Out - Supergrass

2. Daytripper - The Beatles

3. Dry The Rain - The Beta Band

4. ABC - The Jackson 5

5. Sunny Afternoon - The Kinks

6. The Circle - Ocean Colour Scene

7. Whatever - Oasis

8. I Get Around - The Beach Boys

9. Time Of The Season - The Zombies

10. One Love - The Stone Roses

Public Service Announcement

The last reason is good enough in itself.

As sent to me by Big Rab

The Force Wasn't So Strong

Maybe the Force wasn't as strong in young Anakin Skywalker/Jake Lloyd as we were led to believe...

As seen here

Newbies

On the way home from visiting friends outside Perth yesterday, Mrs Wife, the Jockling and I stopped in Dundee so that I could pick up some new tenants for the Dungroanin' aquarium.

This weekend's additions were three Otocinclus, or Ottos for short, that I have named Optimus, Rodimus and Bumblebee. The photograph above shows Optimus getting straight down to the business of eating brown algae, which was the reason for acquiring them in the first place.

They join an eclectic group that includes seven harlequin rasbora (Quinzel, Cobblepot, Nigma, Bane, Dent, Fries and Joker), three mollies (Laudrup, Gascoigne and Walters) and a guppy (Firestar), as well as five Malaysian trumpet snails (Davis, Gillespie, Armstrong, Flea and Moore).

Laudrup (bottom middle), Gascoigne (upper right) and Walters (upper left) say hello to the camera, while one of the harlequins pops into the frame in the top right.

And The Living's Easy

Large McDonald's strawberry milkshake.

Paul Simon's Graceland on the headphones.

Sun in the sky and barely a breeze.

I love summertime...

....Even when it arrives in March...

Pokemon and Saved By The Bell

Since posting a photograph of Samuel "Screech" Powers - AKA Montrose "football player" Jonathan Crawford - a few weeks back, it appears that this far-flung outpost of the worldwide interweb has become the primary resource for people seeking photographs of said character.

But today, someone also arrived having searched for "Picachu tackle". Unfortunately I can't help with that - although a quick search of the Groanin' Jock archives will reveal a picture of the Pokemon's vagina...

Between The Lines

I've been reading a fair bit over the past wee while, thanks in part to receiving a Kindle for Xmas from Mither.

Here's what I've devoured over the past few months:


Catching Fire - Suzanne Collins
The second Hunger Games book. Not as good as the first, which was exciting (if a little predictable). But there were some interesting twists that took the story to new places...


Mockingjay - Suzanne Collins
...that were concluded in Mockingjay. The story seemed to lose its way a bit in the final chapter, but it was rounded off to a generally satisfactory degree.


Rage - Stephen King (writing as Richard Bachman)
For a short while, Stephen King wrote under the pseudonym Richard Bachman, just to see what it was like to be an unknown author again.

The education guide to a career is a great resource to use in jump starting your career as an author.

The first of the Bachman books I read was Rage, a book that has since been withdrawn from sale due to a high school shooter using it as inspiration for his rampage. Cleverly plotted, with well-crafted characters, Rage is well worth a read if you can find a second-hand copy.


The Ultimate Book of Useless Information - Noel Botham
I love useless facts. I've devoted almost my entire life to filling my head with facts that I will never need and should never use, but can't resist in a smart-ass way. I actually noticed some inaccuracies in this book, but read it cover to cover nonetheless.


Are You Dave Gorman? - Dave Gorman
I'm a long-term fan of Gorman (and his sidekick Danny Wallace), but it took me a long time to get round to reading the book that made his name. The devotion to duty, and the mental imbalance required, to spend months seeking out Dave Gormans from around the world is an endeavour that few would try, and fewer still could relay in such amusing fashion.


The Long Walk - Stephen King (writing as Richard Bachman)
My second Bachman book, The Long Walk was harrowing. Cleverly, it doesn't reveal itself fully until the end of the journey, so the plot is gradually revealed as the characters' long walk is taking place. Subtle genius.

Roadwork - Stephen King (writing as Richard Bachman)
Not as strong a story as Rage or The Long Walk, but Roadwork  gave a good study of one man's fight against the system, and his parallel descent into madness.


The Running Man - Stephen King (writing as Richard Bachman)
The movie may regularly recive an unwarranted kicking, but The Running Man gave us a dystopian future where people are hunted for sport on live TV. An obvious touchstone for The Hunger Games trilogy, the book is darker and less cartoonish than the Arnie blockbuster.

The Great Derangement: A Terrifying True Story of War, Politics and Religion at the Twilight of the American Empire - Matt Taibbi
Rolling Stone reporter Matt  Taibbi looks at the political divide in the USA, how its citizens are reacting and what it means for the world at large. Some of the character profiles are truly frightening, and it comes as a sobering thought to realise how many people go about the business of electing the most powerful person on Earth.


The Bedroom Secrets of The Master Chefs - Irvine Welsh
Welsh's post-Trainspotting work may have been on an ever-downward spiral, but they've always been a guilty pleasure of mine - there hasn't been one I haven't enjoyed. I love that they're set in the real Edinburgh, with real streets, real pubs and real shops. And his characters are genuinely gruesome. The Bedroom Secrets of The Master Chefs bore comparison with The Portrait of Dorian Gray, and I zipped through its funny and horrifying plot.

Charlie Brooker's Screen Burn - Charlie Brooker
On his day, there are few people funnier than Charlie Brooker. This book collects some of his TV columns, where he dismembers the offal paraded as prime time broadcasting in the UK. Generally hilarious, although as the book is more than 10 years old, some of the references fall flat today.

Under The Dome - Stephen King
The first half of this monster of a novel was as good as anything I've read for a while - a genuine "what the fuck is going on" situation brought to life with a lucid mix of characters. But I was ultimately disappointed with the pay-off - it was almost as if King himself had no real idea where to take the story and ended up with a "ach, that'll do". Frustrating considering how strong the first half was.

Life and Fate - Vasily Grossman
An epic novel set in the final days of World War II, as Russia and Germany fight for supremacy in Stalingrad. Translated from the original Russian novel written 60-odd years ago, it was far from an easy read. Some parts kept the imagination, but others dragged by for what seemed like the duration of the siege of Stalingrad itself. A massive undertaking, and not one to be considered lightly.

The QI Book of General Ignorance - John Lloyd and John Mitchinson
Another collection of trivia and usless facts, this book set about debunking many a myth. Very educational, even if a lot of the science involved went right over my head.

The Second QI Book of General Ignorance - John Lloyd and John Mitchinson
More of the same - the benefits of having a Kindle being that I now carry 500+ books with me wherever I go, and can appease my appetite for education and stimulation whenever I feel like it.

The Internet Is A Playground - David Thorne
David Thorne is a mad, hilarious, evil genius. His website at http://www.27bslash6.com/ is one of my favourite things in the whole world. This book collects the first batch of his internet postings, as well as a several exclusive to the book. Laugh-out-loud funny, even those stories I'd read several times before. I cannot recommend this book highly enough.

Slide Away

It came as a sobering realistion today that many of my favourite records are 15 years old this year.

Albums from 1997 that rank among my favourites or that otherwise had a big effect on me at the time include:

Radiator - Super Furry Animals
OK Computer - Radiohead
Tellin' Stories - The Charlatans
Do It Yourself - The Seahorses
Be Here Now - Oasis
Urban Hymns - The Verve
In It For The Money - Supergrass
Marchin' Already - Ocean Colour Scene
Vanishing Point - Primal Scream
Dig Your Own Hole - The Chemical Brothers
The Fat of The Land - The Prodigy
Heavy Soul - Paul Weller
Flaming Pie - Paul McCartney
When I Was Born For The Seventh Time - Cornershop
The Colour and The Shape - Foo Fighters
Ladies and Gentlemen We Are Floating In Space - Spiritualized
Young Team - Mogwai
Songs From Northern Britain - Teenage Fanclub
Blur - Blur
Stupid Stupid Stupid - Black Grape
Good Feeling - Travis
Portishead - Portishead
Attack of the Grey Lantern - Mansun

And those are just the ones I can remember off the top of my head in 10 minutes.

Quite easily the best year of music in my lifetime. We'll never see its like again...

Confusion

Reading Cracked.com's 13 Current Events as Understood By Five-Year-Olds this morning reminded me that, as a child, I thought Neil Kinnock was the first man to walk on the moon.

School Trip

Stolen from Tropical Fish Forums UK

Face Recognition

The Nineteenth Groanin' Jock Lyrical Challenge

With only one entrant in the last Groanin' Jock Lyrical Challenge, Neepheid wins by default, having correctly identified Blur's Beetlebum.

Here are the latest tunes to spot, courtesy of the Magic Tune Box set to shuffle. Just identify the song and the artist, no Googling allowed.

1. Pride can hurt you too, apologise to her.

2. I'm looking over the wall and they're looking at me.

3. What a big black mask, what a hunk of love.

4. Watching him dash away, swinging an old bouquet.

5. You were the seven deadly sins, making sense in your "screw me" dress.

Season 2011/2012: Match 19: Montrose 1 Berwick Rangers 1 (Irn-Bru Division Three)

After five years of watching Montrose week in, week out, and almost 12 months of Raymond Farningham's Less Than Incredible Comedy Circus, I've finally worked out where the main problem is.

The assorted nuclear physicists, neurosurgeons and chemical weapon developers that turn out for Montrose during their days off think that football matches last 70 minutes.

That can be the only reason for them giving Berwick a good game for that long then inexplicably switching off for the final 20 minutes.

Neither side created any clear chances in the first half hour or so, but the 10 minutes before the break suggested we were in for a match in the second half.

It took only three minutes of the latter period for Montrose to take the lead, Martin Boyle (maybe just overshadowed this week by Lionel Messi's exploits in the Champions League) applying a low finish to Lloyd Young's knockdown.

And from there they could have had at least another one or two. Scott Johnston was tireless, marauding up and down both wings, while his fellow midfielders were solid and generally reliable.

But with 20 minutes remaining - coinciding with the introduction of Jamie Winter in place of Terry Masson in central midfield - Montrose began to invite their visitors into the final third, a dangerous strategy given the home side's defensive frailty and erratic goalkeeper.

On this instance, it wasn't keeper Michael Andrews who was at fault - he had a good game, with some excellent saves that kept Montrose in the match.

Today those at fault (yet again) were:
Jonathan "Pob" Beckenbauer Smart. Everyone's favourite jug-eared puppet turned centre back remains a critical disaster area, not least because in his head, he's never at fault. If he spent as much time defending as he does barking at his team mates to hide his own mistakes, he'd be on the way to being as good as he clearly thinks he is.

Neither he nor Sean Crighton (the switch on the back of Crighton's head was flicked from "Get rid of the ball at all times" to "Panic and flap about" for the final 20 minutes) managed to beat the much shorter Damon Gray in the air when Berwick equalised from a corner.

The whole Montrose defence is a shambles, with another weak point in today's late collapse -
- Dougie Cameron, a source of continuing frustration. He'd have been a contender for man of the match up until the final 20 minutes, when his tendency to go walkabout reappeared. He needs to realise that he's at his best sticking to his position at left back and using his genuine passing ability from there, rather than wandering aimlessly into midfield and leaving gaps at the back that he doesn't have the pace to refill when necessary.

Also in the "could have been a contender" category was Jonathan Crawford:Screech was doing well in a holding midfield role for the first hour or so, but he also seemed to be destabilised by Winter's introduction - possibly as a result of losing the (unlikely) calming influence of Terry Masson beside him.

I can understand Farningham's introduction of Winter with 20 minutes to go - hope the ball drops to him somewhere in the same postcode as the Berwick net and that he can use his laser-guided rocket foot to power in a goal or two.

But the team's shape went all to buggery after he came on, the midfield stopped defending, the defence started defending like they didn't know how to defend and there was no way Montrose were going to come out with all three points.

It's infuriating watching men who should know better stop playing the way they can and resort to aimless punts and defending like kids.

This season's a write-off, we know that much. We've seen the team match all the other teams in the division at one time or another. They need to remember to play for the full 90 minutes, with maybe some tweaks to personnel. I'd still be in favour of binning the two Jonathans, but I'd keep Kneeheid, as on his day he's a player. Otherwise, I'm still comfortable with the team we put on the park most weeks.

Man of the Match: It feels like I say this every week, but Boyle was tireless up front and deserved his goal. Masson was strong in midfield, as was Lloyd Young alongside him. Crawford and Cameron played well in the first half. But the award is between Michael Andrews and Scott Johnston, and now that I've thought about it, Andrews kept Montrose in the game on a number of occasions.

Season 2011/2012: Match 18: Montrose 0 Queen's Park 1 (Irn-Bru Division Three)

Sometimes I feel as though I'm stuck in my own personal version of Groundhog Day where I:

• Go to work
• Read some of the book I've been reading for almost six months on the train into work
• Go to Links Park
• Hear a mad old bastard exclaim about something that no-one else can see
• Fail to win the 50/50 half-time draw
• Listen to a mad young reporter tell me that Sandy Wood is very nice
• See Martin Boyle run fast
• Watch Dougie Cameron shank 95-yard "passes" out for throw-ins
• See Montrose lose a football match

Yesterday was day 1,735 of this never-ending loop. It was unusually warm at the Wellington Street Wembley, but that was the only deviation from the script.

Neither side looked particularly good, and the Hampden side never looked likely to put five past Montrose, as they did 17 days earlier.

Very few clear-cut chances were created by either side, Scott Johnston hitting the side netting and Jamie Winter continuing his development of a land-based, foot-launched missile defence system just in case Scotland ever becomes independent.

Montrose stuck steadfastly to their less-than-convincing tactic of letting the defence launch the ball as far up the park as possible, in the hope that

A) Martin Boyle will run fast enough to catch the ball and score
B) The ball will fall in front of Jamie Winter somewhere in the opposition half, and he will score
C) Garry Wood will have grown six inches and become a genuine target man

Unfortunately, none of these things happened in the 74 minutes that Montrose kept a full complement of players on the brillo pad that is the Links Park surface.

(Topic for debate: is it still a park if there's no grass?)

It was in the 74th minute that Paul Lunan:

nailed winger Ian Watt with a clumsy challenge wide on the right. It wasn't particularly malicious, just a (much) slower player completely mistiming his tackle and taking Watt completely out of the game. Some referees might have shown a yellow, given the foul occurred midway into the Montrose half and wide on the right, but it was certainly a dangerous tackle.

Even then, Montrose didn't capitulate. Rather than bring on Beckenbauer Smart (banished to the bench for looking and defending like Pob) or Sean Crighton, Ray Farningham instead moved Wood to centre back and tried to keep the attacking momentum going.

It almost paid off, but with two minutes remaining substitute Owen Ronald hit the bye-line and crossed for Jamie Longworth to slam a shot low past Michael Andrews.

That takes Montrose's current run to three home defeats. We know that the bottom two is beckoning once more.

Frustratingly, we also know that Montrose on their day are a match for any team in the division. Worryingly though, it seems as though more teams are becoming aware that Montrose rely far too much on Boyle and Winter, and that if they can nullify that twin threat, the Montrose defence will almost always ship goals.

Man of the Match: It's a tough one, as no-one really shone. The defence held out well, even after Lunan's dismissal. I thought that Garry Wood looked potentially useful up front, and coped well when shifted to centre back, so I'll go with him.

Season 2011/2012: Match 17: Montrose 2 Elgin City 3 (Irn-Bru Division Three)

Another week, another home defeat for Montrose.

Having been out the night before, I wasn't really in the mood for the abstract performance art interpretation of football that I expected to be served up by Montrose and Elgin - watching Alan Campbell and Dougie Cameron launch NFL-style Hail Marys up the park is no cure for a sore heid.But I was there and I saw Elgin win by the odd goal in five thanks to a hat-trick from Craig Gunn and some Montrose defending that could be described as comedy if it was actually funny.

Jonathan Smart - who I have now decided would be ideal for the lead role in a live-action movie version of Pob -

was at fault for at least two of Gunn's goals. There are serious problems in the Montrose back line - there seems to be no communication beyond Smart roaring at people to cover his own mistakes. Stephen "MacaMacaReyna" McNally had probably the worst game I've seen him play for Montrose, Alan Campbell is slower than the process of fossilisation and Dougie Cameron has a knee for a head.

Speaking of unusual heads, Jonathan Crawford (mercifully kept on the bench today), appears to be "rocking" a new look modelled on Samuel "Screech" Powers from Saved By The Bell:

All we need now is the return of Argentine mime-artist/"goalkeeper"/goalkeeping gloves tycoon/pink elephant chaser Ramiro "The Incredible Flying Gonzo" Gonzalez and Montrose will be more like a Z-list celebrity look-alike agency/circus than a football club.

Anyway (given that this report is now beginning to sound like I had LSD for breakfast), I suppose I should highlight the Montrose positives. As stated last week, Terry Masson has developed well as a midfielder over the past few months, and his goal today was a peach. He picked up the ball on the edge of the box and curled a sublime left foot shot across goal and inside the far post. Masson 1, Doubters 0.

Martin Boyle also grabbed a goal, and had a lively game up front. He hit the outside of the post early on, had a shot into the side netting and a further goal disallowed for a dubious offside decision.

Scott Johnston was lively again, but needs to cut out the back-chat to officials. He was right to feel aggrieved for a vicious assault in the first half, but abusing a linesman is never going to get a decision overturned.

The officials had an atrocious game today - Elgin's second goal should have been flagged offside and their third came as a result of a free kick that shouldn't have been (but that the Montrose backline should then have dealt with).

Lastly - where the hell did Elgin find Paul Millar? The man is enormous - he dwarfed Smart and Campbell by more than half a foot. Based on various sources he is:

A) The tallest striker in British football (Papa B)
B) The tallest outfield player in the world (Mad old bastard in the stand)
C) The tallest man in the world (Mad young roving reporter in the stand)

He still didn't score though...

Man of the Match: It could have been Boyle. It could have been Lloyd Young. It could never have been any of the back five. But yesterday my Man of the Match was Terry "The Destroyer" Masson for a typically combative performance in the middle of the park and as sweet a goal as we've seen this season.

Season 2011/2012: Match 16: Montrose 1 Peterhead 3 (Irn-Bru Division Three)

The sun was deceptively shiny today, and I foolishly ventured to the Basin-side Bernabeu without wearing Antarctic survival gear.

Montrose's players were obviously feeling the chill, setting about their opponents at a frantic pace in an effort to keep warm.

We all know that Peterhead are the division's big spenders, deeming Rory McAllister worthy of £800 a week to not score goals against the assorted tradesmen, no-tradesmen, pig farmers and hammer throwers who lurk amongst the Division 3 defences.

But they were only a point ahead of Montrose going into today's match, and have spent most of the season in the bottom two.

Montrose should have been three or four ahead at the break, Peterhead goalkeeper Paul Jarvie having the game of his life to keep the home attackers at bay. Jamie Winter, who deems anything outside his own box as worth a shot, clattered the crossbar from wide on the left in the first half as well.

Despite having the the North Pole wind at their backs in the first half, playing the better football and creating more chances, Montrose were 1-0 down at the break, Graham Webster firing into the bottom corner after his first shot was blocked.

There's a fine line between pessimism and realism when it comes to Montrose, and I predicted at half time that, shooting into the wind, Montrose would end the match on the receiving end of a 4-0 hiding.

It looked as though my prediction was coming true within 10 minutes of the restart, David Ross poking across the line at the post and Bavidge lobbing home goalkeeper Michael Andrews two minutes later.

Midway through the second half, I asked my fellow members of the Links Park press corps when Martin Boyle had last scored. He had the ball in the net 30 seconds later, controlling a Winter pass, knocking the ball around Jarvie and shooting into the empty net.

The goal set up the possibility of an exciting end to the match, and while Montrose did manage to press Peterhead back into their own half, they couldn't add to their tally.

A disappointing result, but a decent performance that deserved at least a point. But for a catastrophic two-minute spell in the second half, Montrose might have got that point.

Man of the Match: There were no stand-out performances from Montrose. The defence let itself down with that disastrous two minutes in the second half, but Dougie Cameron in particular looked otherwise decent (I think Maz must have spiked the tablet she gave me before kick-off).

Martin Boyle's finish was well-executed, but he passed up another two or three chances. Scott Johnston had a busy but fruitless afternoon, but let himself down with some daft challenges and petulant outbursts. For me it's between the central midfield pair for Montrose's man of the match (Paul Jarvie had the best match of anyone on the park).

Terry Masson was typically combative, setting the tempo for Montrose early on and pushing forward to support Boyle and Johnston.

But Jamie Winter impressed me more, setting up Boyle's goal with a cracking pass and coming close himself on a couple of occasions.

Season 2011/2012: Match 15: Montrose 1 Annan Athletic 1 (Irn-Bru Division Three)

Montrose's match yesterday was one of the most northerly to survive the big freeze, beaten only by Caley Whistle losing to Sellick in Inverness and Aberdeen continuing their search for a Lifetime Achievement Award for Services to Comedy with a draw against Queen of the South.

Prior to kick-off, I'd have been happy to hear that the match was off due to the weather, but once I was safely seated in the Angus Arena, I found the match quite enjoyable.

Montrose continued their efforts to win matches by passing neatly and letting Jamie Winter shoot every time he's within 40 yards of goal.

He had a number of chances, and seemd to get closer and closer to a goal every time the ball left his right boot.

Sure enough, when it came, his goal was practically the last kick of the first half, rocketing past Alex Mitchell and into the net.

And the home side looked comfortable enough in the second half. Nothing spectacular, but Annan offered little in the way of genuine threat.

Step forward Dougie "Kneeheid" Cameron. Fancying himself as a balder, whiter, slower, less gifted Roberto Carlos, Kneeheid had taken it upon himself to act as a marauding (if one can call Dougie's ponderous gait "marauding") wingback.

Unfortunately, this meant that Dougie was caught out of position in the 77th minute, allowing nippy little bugger David Cox to go tearing past him and into the six yard box.

There was a tangle of legs, Cox inevitably went down, and referee Paul Robertson pointed to the spot.

Kneeheid saw a straight red card and Aaron Muirhead stepped up to slam home the equaliser with the penalty.

Montrose were the better side, and they could have scored a few if Mitchell had had a poorer game. He kept almost everything at bay today, particularly Winter's long range efforts.

Still nearer the bottom of the table than the top, but Montrose are a better side than their league position suggests. The more settled the team becomes, the more I would expect that to become evident.

Man of the Match: Scott Johnston again impressed with a jinky performance wide left, creating Winter's goal with a neat square ball. Cameron actually looked decent until he ran out of puff and saw red late on. But it was Winter who was the stand out. But for Mitchell's acrobatics, he'd have scored a barrowload.

Season 2011/2012: Match 14: Montrose 4 Clyde 0 (Irn-Bru Division Three)

Last week, Montrose played well against one of the division's better sides and came away with nothing.

Today they again had a fantastic match against lowly Clyde and recorded another impressive win over the Cumbernauld side.

Garry Wood has returned to Links Park after time away at Ross County and even in the Premier League with Caley Thistle. He was included on the bench today, Ray Farningham sticking with the team that did well the previous week.

The first half was a scrappy affair, Montrose playing well generally until the final third, where Clyde were defending in numbers. There was little of note to comment on, aside from Sandy Wood tearing Sean Crighton a new one for conceding a corner when it would have been as easy to pass the ball back to his goalkeeper.

But the second half was entirely different, Montrose racking up two goals in the opening nine minutes.

Both were created by Martin Boyle, the young striker in rampant form after the break. His raw pace left his marker for dead in the 52nd minute, and allowed him to keep the ball in and send a square ball across the box. David McGowan's shot took a deflection on its way past the goalkeeper.

Clyde were rattled, and Montrose took advantage with a near carbon copy of their opener just two minutes later. Boyle again burst down the right, and this time it was Scott Johnston who was on hand to send a low shot into the net.

Boyle himself had the ball in the net shortly after the hour mark, but his goal was disallowed for offside when he headed home at the back post from Dougie Cameron's cross.

Jamie Winter had gradually been finding his range as the match wore on, sending several long-range shots wide of goal. He had a 30-yard free kick tipped onto the post and out for a corner, but finally got the goal his performance merited with a sublime drive 15 minutes from time.

Stephen McNally completed the destruction a minute into stoppage time, his shot from the edge of the box deflected into the net.

Montrose were magnificent in the second half, controlling the tempo and severely restricting Clyde's opportunities.

The players seem comfortable with each other, and there seems to be an awareness of who is capable of what, who should be where and who should be doing what at all times.

I just wish we could play Clyde every week - they seem to have a torrid time every time they come to Links Park, not least last season's 8-1 destruction.

But whoever Montrose are playing now, they have the quality to cause them problems. If they can maintain their concentration and composure at all times, they deserve to be higher up the table.

Man of the Match: Another solid team performance in which no-one failed to perform. Terry Masson and Jamie Winter again dominated in midfield, and David McGowan and Scott Johnston provided much needed support to Martin Boyle. But it was Boyle who was the key man today, creating Montrose's quick-fire opening double and deserving of a goal himself that sadly never came. I fear his time at Montrose may not last much longer...

Season 2011/2012: Match 13: Montrose 1 Stranraer 3 (Irn-Bru Division Three)

Today I suffered from what I believe today's youth refer to as an "epic fail", arriving at Links Park eight minutes after kick-off, therefore missing Montrose's second-minute goal.

That did mean that I saw all three Stranraer strikes, an abject refereeing performance from Barry Cook and Montrose squander a host of chances.

I also burst the zip on my jacket beyond repair and almost dissolved my tongue with a cup of the heated industrial lubricant marketed in Scotland under the brand name Bovril.

And weirdly, this wasn't the worst day I've ever had at the football. Montrose played well, and but for the afore-mentioned poor finishing and third world refereeing, they could have won by a comfortable margin.

There were no complaints with the Stranraer goals, aside from lax defending for the first. Two of them went in courtesy of deflections, but Sandy Wood otherwise had a good game in goal.

It's not often we say this, but Martin Boyle was the main culprit in Montrose's failure to win, missing three gilt-edged chances. The young striker deserves praise for being in goalscoring positions in the first place, but when faced with open goals on two occasions, he hit the post with one effort and slammed the ball into the side netting with the second. He also had a half volley brilliantly saved by Ryan Marshall and slammed a volley wide of the post near the end of the match.

Referee C(r)ook must be from Ayrshire, as every decision went in favour of the visitors. A Scott Johnston goal was disallowed for an imaginary foul in the build-up, he ignored Stranraer's constant fouling and failed to send Grant Gallagher off for a brutal elbow-led assault on Terry Masson's face.

So I now haven't seen a Montrose win since October 22. And yet I still feel more positive about the way things are going than I did a year ago. The team generally look more comfortable on the park than in recent seasons, and but for a bit of bad luck would have won today.

Man of the Match: Martin Boyle was a constant threat to the Stranraer defence today, but passed up far too many chances. Scott Johnston didn't get enough time on the ball to make a difference, and the defence was a bit too haphazard to be considered as potential men of the match (and Dougie Cameron appeared to be sporting stubble that suggested "homeless man living under a bridge" more than "Bruce Willis at his Die Hard peak"). For me, the key performer was Terry Masson, solid and reliable in midfield, snapping into challenges, pushing for goals and ripping Jonathan "Beckenbauer" Smart a new one for dicking about at the back instead of doing what he's paid to and getting rid of the ball.

New Additions

Mrs Wife bought me an aquarium for Christmas:

And it now has its first four inhabitants - thankfully not the kind that require a trip to a professional that has attended one of the many schools for a vet tech:

Names still to be decided but suggestions include:

Quinzel, Bane, Nigma and Cobblepot

Laudrup, Gascoigne, McCoist and Hateley

Boyle, McNally, Hegarty and Tosh

Sausage, Egg, Beans and Chips

Brian, Gary, Dave and Nigel

Batman, Superman, Spider-Man and Wolverine

All other suggestions welcome...

FAO Ken Fit Like

FAO Ken Fit Like - I've circled myself in yellow!

Season 2011/2012: Match 12: Montrose 1 Alloa Athletic 1 (Irn-Bru Division Three)

I'm back in the Arctic tundra known locally as Angus, and so I found myself back in the familiar surroundings of Links Park rather than The Emirates or White Hart Lane this afternoon.

It was absolutely freezing even before kick-off today - I'm sure I saw a polar bear queuing to get in the concessionary turnstile at 2.30pm, then think better of it and head home. The pitch was already in shadow by kick-off, and both of Montrose's strikers were wearing gloves - although Scott Johnston was wearing a short-sleeved shirt, which seems to have defeated the purpose of donning handwear somewhat.

Alloa are a good side by Division Three standards, and are rightly considered amongst the favourites for promotion. Paul Hartley (a more dapperly-dressed manager than we're used to in Division Three) (and one with a few more Scotland caps than Ray Farningham) has the side playing well, with a core of good ball playing midfielders (and Darren Young) allied with the experience of Robbie "All this was fields when I were a lad" Winters and the emmm "imposing physical presence" of Armand One (that's Oh-Nay, not Wun).

Montrose made a few changes to the team from recent matches, Saaaaaaandy Wood making his first competitive start of the season in the sticks, behind centre backs Paul "Lurch" Lunan and Jonathan "Baggio Beckenbauer" Smart and full backs Sean "But I'm a centre back" Crighton and Dougie "Kneeheid" Cameron.

Stephen "Macca Macca Reyna" McNally was moved to central midfield alongside Terry "The Destroyer" Masson and Jamie "Of course I can shoot, it's only 75 yards" Winter. Montrose's attacking options were Martin "Have Barcelona called yet?" Boyle, Scott "If Martin's going so am I" Johnston and Lloyd "Who?" Young.

(I spent the first 10 minutes thinking Lloyd Young fronted The Commotions. But that was Lloyd Cole. Lloyd Young doesn't even front Montrose).

Montrose took the game to their high-flying opponents, and deservedly took the lead after 11 minutes when Boyle missed Masson's corner at the front post, only for the ball to fall in front of Johnston, who knocked the ball across the line with a diving header.

It was an end-to-end encounter, and both sides could have had a few goals throughout the course of the match. McNally, Boyle and Johnston were the main threats for Montrose, while Winters and Kevin Cawley created most of Alloa's chances.

Montrose were looking good for a surprise win until 10 minutes from time, Ben Gordon nodding home from a McCord corner. But Montrose could still have won it, Boyle using his pace to stretch the visiting defence a few times as the match came to a close. There was even a late penalty shout, one of Alloa's defenders appearing to handle a Cameron corner at the back post.

All in all, a draw was a fair result. Montrose can take credit from a strong showing against one of the division's better sides, while Alloa can take credit for continuing to push for an equaliser until late in the day.

Congratulations also to the Montrose groundstaff for managing to get the knackered floodlights working again at half time - abandoning the match when winning 1-0 against Alloa would have been unthinkable.

Man of the Match: Another good team performance in which no-one was disgraced. The midfield was solid and generally passed the ball well, and was perhaps more disciplined than in recent matches. That was out of necessity, as pouring forwards en mass would have been suicidal against the slick Alloa passing. Masson and Winter in particular looked reliable in the middle.

Defensively Montrose were strong, with no major errors to report. Up front, Boyle was his usual tireless self, and on another day might have had a hat-trick. But my man of the match was Scott Johnston, tricky on the ball, creative in attack, diligent in tracking back and in the right place at the right time to score Montrose's goal.

Season 2011/2012: Match 11: Tottenham Hotspur 1 PAOK Salonika 2 (Europa League Group A)

So from The Emirates on Tuesday night to White Hart Lane on Wednesday.

I thought that the Spurs match might be a sell-out, given that it was a European clash between two teams both in with a shout of winning their group, but there were a significant number of empty seats.

Most of the noise was coming from the sizeable away support, who didn't let up from the time I entered the ground almost an hour before kick-off until long after I left.

The ground itself seemed remarkably tight, probably because I'd been to The Emirates the night before. Even sitting in the top deck, it felt like I was right on top of the pitch, making it feel like a bigger version of Tynecastle.

Like Hearts' ground, White Hart Lane has seen better days, but what it lacks in the sparkling newness and glamour of its North London rivals' ground, it makes up in feeling like a traditional football ground, one where history has been made and the stands have stories to tell.

I've always had a soft spot for Spurs, ever since I was a boy and the teams of Gazza, Gary Lineker, Jurgen Klinsmann and Ilie Dumitrescu. Even today, I like more of their players than is the case with most of the English clubs - Bale, Modric, Defoe, van der Vaart and even Aaron Lennon all try to play attractive football. All of that group besides van der Vaart played today, with Bale introduced as a second half sub.

By that time, the match had unravelled for both teams, albeit to different degrees. Spurs were a mess at the back (more of that later) and PAOK (which I only discovered today is pronounced "Powk" and not "Pee Eh Oh Kay") raced into a two-goal lead inside 12 minutes thanks to a Salpingidis header and a back post slide from Athanasiadis.

Spurs found a way back into the match when Stafylidis was sent off for handling the ball on the goal line, Modric stepping up to stroke the resulting penalty into the net.

But that was it for Spurs. They had the ball in the net twice again, but both times the goal was ruled out, once for offside and once because Contreras was lying on the goalline injured as Defoe netted.

The match descended into a series of petty squabbles and niggly fouls, and Spurs couldn't find the goal they needed, with Bale, Defoe and Lennon all going close.

For me, the biggest villain on the night was William Gallas. Supposedly Spurs' most experienced and mature defender, he spent the majority of the match wandering around in what appeared to be a disinterested huff, making little effort to actually defend (he was at fault for PAOK's first goal) and found frequently out of position. When he did finally show an interest, it was when he moved himself up front to act as an auxiliary striker for the last five minutes. A petutlant, spoilt bastard of a player, who should do everyone a favour and retire gracelessly.

Gallas' poor showing masked Steven Pienaar's, but only slightly. Pienaar is useless. Absolutely useless. He did nothing good tonight, misplacing passes, getting caught in possession, losing the ball and wasting chances. A truly horrendous display.

All in all, another good night out, spoiled by the result (I was rooting for the Spurs).

Man of the match: Salpingidis gave the Spurs defence a tough time and took his goal well, before getting into a barney with Kyle Walker before and after the final whistle. Aaron Lennon was pacy but couldn't do anything with the ball in the final third. Pulling the strings today was Luka Modric, the hub of everything good Spurs did against a team of 10 men intent on sitting behind the ball and frustrating the home side.

Season 2011/2012: Match 10: Arsenal 0 Manchester City 1 (Carling Cup Quarter Final))

I'm back in London with work this week, and this trip has luckily coincided with a busy week in the English football calendar.

The last time I was down, I took in West Ham vs Ipswich, but this time around I'm at top flight grounds, although not for Premier League matches.

First up on Tuesday night was Arsenal against Man City in the Carling Cup.

When I booked the ticket, I did so expecting to see Arsenal U19s vs Man City reserves. It wasn't quite as bad as that, although there was no Van Persie, no Kompany, no Arteta, no Szczesny, no Hart, no suspended Balotelli, no Tevez (too busy arguing with his own reflection in an Argentine mansion).

But included in the line-ups were Benayoun, Chamakh, Djourou, Squillaci, Park, Zabaleta, Dzeko, Toure, Johnson, Nasri, Hargreaves and De Jong (brilliantly described as "The World's Most Expensive Nigel" by The Guardian not long after he signed for City).

Nasri had a tough evening, booed by almost the whole stadium every time he went near the ball, retribution for deserting the club late this summer.

And what a stadium it is. I'd been before for a conference held in one of The Emirates' sumptuous function suites, but the atmosphere outside the ground for Tuesday's match was electric. I did a full lap, reading about the true legends of Arsenal who grace the stadium's outside walls.

Where Hampden, also a huge purpose-built football arena, feels like a soulless bowl, the Emirates crackles from the minute you step out of Arsenal tube station. The view from my seat in the gods was perfect. I genuinely couldn't fault the place. The only stadium I've liked watching a game at more is Ibrox.

It's just a pity that Arsenal weren't firing on all cylinders. They actually contained City very well - Laurent Koscielny in particular was composed at the back, marshalling Dzeko with confidence.

But Arsenal's front two of Park and Chamakh were a long way off the pace. Park in particular was a huge disappointment, and made no impact whatsoever.

Arsenal's brightest attacking player throughout was teenager Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain, who gave the city defence a torrid time from the right wing. If his final ball had been a bit more dangerous, or his strikers more alert, Arsenal might have taken something from the match.

In the end though, it was City who moved into the semi-final. Sergio Aguero, introduced in the first half as a substitute (a £38m substitute!! Is that a record?) was played in by Adam Johnson and dispatched a low finish past Lukasz Fabianski.

Arsenal can feel aggrieved, but it was their own poor finishing that cost them. A decent enough match, and certainly a bit different to the Montrose v Ayr United match I was at a week earlier. (A cup tie that ended in a single-goal win for the visiting side....)

Man of the Match: Most of City's players looked comfortable. Aguero clearly put the shits up the Arsenal players, as they looked panic-stricken for about five minutes after he came on. Toure organised the City defence well. Oxlade-Chamberlain's performance against illustrious opponents belied his tender years. But for me Koscielny was the stand-out perfomer, giving an assured performance at the back in the face of attacking talent most defenders would baulk at.

Season 2011/2012: Match 9: Montrose 3 Berwick Rangers 5 (Irn-Bru Division Three)

Hurricane Mo is currently howling her way through Angus' answer to Rio de Janeiro, and high winds almost threatened to derail today's clash of tit(an)s at Links Park.

Referee Kevin Clancy was seen in conversation with both managers just five minutes before kick-off, debating whether the match could go ahead. Needless to say, it did, and the two sides served up an eight-goal thriller.

The match could have gone either way, and the wind did play a part in the proceedings. Montrose were playing against it in the first half, and keeper Michael Andrews never seemed to grasp the idea that long kicks up the park were out of the question.

It was the home side that took the lead today, Martin "Star of The Sun" Boyle flicking the ball over goalkeeper Jamie Barclay from a Scott Johnston lob into the box. The ball looked to be dropping wide of the post, but Boyle nipped around the keeper and stooped to nod the ball into the net.

The lead lasted 11 minutes, Berwick finding an eqauliser out of nowhere, Darren Gribben thumping a low shot into the bottom corner from the edge of the box.

Gribben was a constant pain in the ass threat, and put the visitors ahead five minutes later, flicking a header into the bottom corner from Kevin McDonald's cross.

Both sides had chances throughout the first half, Montrose looking especially dangerous from set pieces. But it took them until six minutes after the break to find an equaliser, Paul Lunan sending a sublime shot high into the net from the edge of the box.

That goal should have spurred Montrose on to win the match, but Berwick took only nine minutes to restore their advantage, Jonathan Crawford caught in possession from a short McNally pass, Stuart Noble taking advantage to beat Andrews with a low shot.

It was Andrews himself who was at fault for Berwick's fourth, spilling a catch that allowed Noble to thump home from six yards out. This isn't the first time Andrews has been culpable this season, and there have to be questions over his bottle, as although he makes a lot of good saves, he also makes a lot of bad mistakes.

Montrose were given a brief boost three minutes from time, Dougie "Kneeheid" Cameron scoring directly from a wind-assisted corner, Barclay unable to scoop the ball to safety before it had crossed the line.

But that brief boost came to an end three minutes into added time, Ross Gray turning on the edge of the box and dinking a shot over Andrews and into the net.

Barclay had to be alert direct from the following kick off, Jamie Winter thumping a shot from just inside his own half that would have dropped into the net had the keeper not been watching closely.

All in all, a disappointing but not disheartening day for Montrose. They created plenty of chances, their top goalscorer found the net again, their second goal was a peach and their third was a feat seen all too rarely.

They sometime lacked defensive composure, but that is nothing new. Jonathan Smart was out of the team today, the Alan Campbell and Sean Crighton partnership restored at centre back. Winter, Masson and Lunan look to be forming a solid unit in the middle of the park, and Cameron and McNally appear to be thriving as fullbacks/auxiliary wingers.

Andrews in goal is an enigma - a great shot stopper who has saved Montrose a number of times in recent matches, but who is prone to disheartening errors all too frequently. Sandy Wood can still feel aggrieved at having been dropped after his strong pre-season form, but at least we've left the days of experimental mime artist Ramiro Gonzalez's Crab Football Extravaganza behind.

Conceding five goals at home is unacceptable, as is scoring three at home and still losing. But again (and I feel like I say this after every Montrose match) there were a lot of positives from today's performance.

Montrose: The team that aspires to mediocrity.

Man of the Match: Today was more of a team showing, with no one player standing head and shoulders above his colleagues. Terry Masson continues to look like a creative and defensive force in the middle, while Jamie Winter - who I regard as a luxury player - is nevertheless beginning to look like he should be the first name on the team sheet every week. Dougie Cameron has also improved considerably over the past couple of months, putting some of his more disastrous errors behind him and looking like a genuine leader on the park. In fact, of the the three candidates I've just named, I'm shocking myself by selecting him as my man of the match - for the second time in three matches. I think I need medical help.

Season 2011/2012: Match 8: Montrose 1 Ayr United 2 (William Hill Scottish Cup Third Round Replay)

Holidays and other real life stuff meant that it was a month since I'd last seen Montrose when I donned the warm jacket and Thinsulate bunnet for last night's Scottish Cup replay.

By all accounts the Gable Endies had given a spirited performance against Ayr in the original tie, and had been well worth their draw.

There was a good turnout last night, the crowd just a smidgin under 600 for a Tuesday night cup match a month shy of Christmas.

Montrose started the better side, and had several chances to take an early lead, Terry Masson coming close on a couple of occasions with twisting runs and powerful shots that were saved or deflected wide.

But despite having the best of the first half, Montrose were a goal down at the break, Michael McGowan playing Alan Trouten into the box, the winger rounding Michael Andrews and shooting into the net.

The same player doubled Ayr’s advantage in the 73rd minute, latching onto a short passback and flicking the ball over the home goalkeeper.

Montrose never do things the easy way, and Jamie Winter's 81st minute goal suggested that they were going to claw their way back into the match in the dying minutes. A short free kick from Stephen McNally was touched to Winter, who hammered a Groanin' Jockesque shot from 20-odd yards that flew into the bottom corner.

The home side threw caution to the wind from that point, pouring everyone up front. If Jonathan Smart was half the striker he thinks he is, he'd have equalised in the dying seconds, but instead he shanked his volley out for a goal kick.

Martin Boyle had put the ball in the net even before Winter's goal, but it was chalked off for offside in questionable circumstances. The striker was definitely onside when the ball was played, and succeeded in rounding Kevin Cuthbert before rolling the ball into the net. Some amongst the press corps suggested he may have handled the ball in the build-up - I guess we'll never know.

All in all, Montrose can be proud of their performance. Over 180 minutes, they refused to lie down to a team that, on paper, should be far superior. With more luck they could have won last night to set up a money-spinning lucrative desirable clash with Livingston in the fourth round.

But there were enough positives last night to suggest that progress is continuing.

Man of the match: None of the players could be ashamed of their performances last night. All of them worked hard, tracked back, covered their men and passed quickly along the ground. Michael Andrews made a number of crucial saves to keep the home side's hopes alive. For me, the key performer was Terry Masson, just edging out Sean Pierce. Pierce was creative throughout, and his crosses were begging to be tucked home. But Masson was a figure of authority in midfield, crisp in his passing where Winter was occasionally wasteful, a danger going forward and a leader from deep.

Season 2011/2012: Match 7: Montrose 2 Clyde 1 (William Hill Scottish Cup Second Round)

Before today, I'd seen Montrose play Clyde twice since the almost-weegie club were relegated at the end of the 2009/2010 season.

Montrose had scored 11 and conceded two goals in those two matches, so they definitely had the upperhand going into today's match.

The home side was missing Stephen McNally through suspension today, and Jamie "Fat Steven Gerrard" Winter was relegated to the bench.

Clyde looked much improved from last season, and they deservedly took the lead in the 18th minute, John Neil nipping between two dozing Montrose defenders to nod the ball into the net from Liam Cusack's cross.

But their advantage lasted only five minutes, visiting goalkeeper John Charles Hutchison palming Scott Johnston's shot into the path of Paul Lunan. The midfielder took a touch before curling a sublime 22-yard shot over the goalkeeper and into the net.

What proved to be the winning goal came in the 50th minute, Montrose hitting Clyde on the counter attack. A long ball from the back was controlled by Dougie Cameron, the left back/midfielder/captain/consumer of pastry products sending a perfectly-weighted through ball to Sean Pierce. The youngster carried the ball into the box before sending a perfect shot with the outside of his boot off the inside of the post.

Clyde weren't dead and buried though, and had plenty of chances to equalise and win the match. Cusack even managed to scoop a shot over the bar from four yards out, which is an achievement of sorts.

The match ended in controversy, with Clyde claiming that Jonathan Smart had handled the ball when clearing a corner. The referee awarded a corner, but the reactions of the Clyde players certainly suggested they were adamant it was a foul. At the final whistle, Smart was confronted by several of the visiting players, and his reaction seemed to suggest that he knew he'd got away with it.

Tough tits if you're a Clyde player or fan basically.

So Montrose march into the third round. And hopefully onto a fourth round clash with Rangers....

Man of the Match: I've been his biggest critic; he genuinely has been shit for most of his time in a Montrose shirt; he's a master of rubbish throw-ins; he likes the odd lasagne or four; he has a head like a knee. But today Dougie Cameron was reliable in defence, passed assertively, encouraged his team-mates and set up the winning goal (then celebrated like he'd scored it). It was cold at the football today. I think hell may be freezing over.

What The World Is Waiting For

...This IS the one we're waiting for.

Although I've been saying for 15-odd years that I never want The Stone Roses to reform (and posted about it here almost five years ago), I now have tickets to see them in Manchester next June. I haven't stopped shaking with excitement since 9.35am.

Please. Pleeeeeaaaaaaaase - let it be good.

Season 2011/2012: Match 6: Montrose 2 Peterhead 1 (Irn-Bru Division Three)

Before I start this report, I should remind both of my readers that I am legally obliged under Article 7, Clause 2 of the SFL Reporting Act (August 2011) to refer to Peterhead as "Big-spending Peterhead" at least once in my article.

However, plans to add an additional sub-clause to the effect that I must also refer to them as "the high-flying Balmoor side" were shelved roughly two games into the season.

Because you can't always buy success in football. Especially if your idea of success is paying Rory McAllister £600 a week to play against the assorted brickies, plumbers and astronauts who populate Irn-Bru Division Three.

Montrose's random assortment of part-timers gave one of their best team performances of the season today, working hard for each other, tracking back diligently, pushing forward en mass and generally getting stuck in all over the pitch.

Today wasn't a performance marked by extraordinary individual turns - this was a collective effort, and a collective "fuck you" to those who had them written off before the season, and this match, kicked off.

Peeeeeeeeeeeeeeterheeeeeeeeeeeid actually took the lead in this match, and it was McAllister's close control and neat finish that put them ahead after 12 minutes.

Both sides had chances during the remainder of the first half, and if Peterhead had scored it would have been a long way back for Montrose.

But the home side didn't stumble and didn't panic. They just kept on playing, although there were too many instances of them resorting to route one football, which demonstrably doesn't suit their attackers.

The equaliser, when it came, was as a result of a strong run from Sean Pierce, a constant threat to the Peterhead backline. His square ball outfoxed all of the visiting defenders, but was perfectly weighted for Terry Masson to slam the ball home.

After the break, both sides sought a winner, but the match began to tilt in Montrose's favour. The winner, when it came, was again the result of Pierce's persistance, the youngster chasing down visiting goalkeeper Paul Jarvie. The keeper panicked, failed to bring the ball under control, and Pierce dinked the ball into Martin Boyle's path, leaving him to poke into the empty net.

Too often we've seen Montrose collapse after taking the lead, in fact it happened in their most recent home match against Annan. But today they stuck it out, kept the ball and kept Peterhead at bay.

A great result for Montrose, and one that could be a kickstart to their season. They're now on nine points, six off the play-offs, while Peterhead are only one ahead of East Stirlingshire at the foot of the table.

I don't care too much for money, 'cos money can't buy me love....

Man of the Match: This was a collective performance, and everyone played their part. Particularly good were Terry Masson, who gave a commanding performance in the middle of the park; Stephen McNally, playing wide right and a constant driving force; Jonathan Smart, managing not to get sent off and leading the back line in the way we've heard he is capable for the first time; and Martin Boyle, whose pace again could have been his opponents' undoing, but who should have had a hat-trick today. Even Kneeheid Cameron was a force for good today, proving particularly dangerous from set pieces. But overall, the most important player was Sean Pierce, creating both goals and generally giving a tireless performance that bamboozled Peterhead's defence.

Season 2011/2012: Match 5: West Ham United 0 Ipswich 1 (nPower Championship)

I'm in London for work this week, and with an evening or two to kill, I ended up spending tonight at the Boleyn Ground, also known as Upton Park, for West Ham vs Ipswich.

Both sides have aspirations of achieving promotion to the Premier League this season, so I was anticipating an exciting clash.

I've never been to Upton Park before - this was only my fourth match south of the border, my previous visits having taken me to Goodison Park, Carrow Road and The City Ground.

First impressions of the stadium were impressive - this is a ground that manages to blend all the hallmarks of a traditional stadium - steep stands tight against the pitch - with the expectations of a modern ground.

But of course the Boleyn Ground won't be housing the Hammers for much longer, the club having agreed to move to the new Olympic Stadium after the games in 2o12.

It seems a shame to leave behind all the history at the old ground. I'm always in favour of clubs staying in their traditional homes, particularly if those stadia are designed for football rather than athletics.

Upton Park certainly bears comparison with the top Scottish grounds. Only Ibrox and Parkhead are better, and I'd rate West Ham's ground over Hampden for actually watching the match - those of you who've read my nonsense before will be well aware of my thoughts on our national stadium.

Anyway, the match boasted no fewer than five England internationals between the two teams.

1) Robert Green - derided throughout by the Ipswich fans with chants of "USA, USA", a tribute to his spectacular performance at last year's World Cup. The West Ham fans responded with "England's No. 1" - which if kind-hearted, is factually inaccurate given that Joe Hart is the nation's first choice keeper.

2) David Bentley - the enigma continues. A fine footballer on his day, Bentley doesn't have those days very often any more. He's on loan from Spurs, and did nothing tonight to demonstrate that he's even Championship class any more, let alone likely to be challenging Aaron Lennon for a place in the Tottenham or England teams.

3) Carlton Cole - big battering ram of a striker. What he lacks in sublime skill he makes up in....emmmm......well, he's big....Cole had a forgettable evening, substituted just after the hour mark, having contributed little to West Ham's play.

4) Lee Bowyer - Coming home for the evening, the boyhood West Ham fan was his typical nippy self in the middle of the park, snapping into challenges and just generally making a nuisance of himself. He also scored the only goal of the match in the 88th minute, slamming home the rebound after Keith Andrews' header came back off the post. He started to celebrate, then remembered where he was and checked himself. Anyway, the corner that Ipswich scored from was taken by...

...5) Jimmy Bullard. I've never understood the fascination with Bullard. From the evidence I've seen on TV, he's another player who is all style and no substance. But that did him a disservice tonight, as he was a constant creative force for Ipswich, pushing them forward throughout the match. A credible contender for man of the match. Even if he does have hair like a fairytale princess.

Kevin Nolan, West Ham's new captain, also started. He likes to think that he's been unfairly kept out of the England squad by inferior players, which is a load of bollocks. He's the rich man's Scott Brown - engaging in petty squabbles, involving himself where there's no need and generally charging around like a horny rhino seeking a mate. Nothing he did tonight marked him out as special, but Allardyce seems to like him.

The match was also unique in that it had not one but two players who weren't good enough for the SPL. Daryl Murphy, on loan at Ipswich from the Mhanky Mhob, made it to the Ipswich bench but no further, while Jason Scotland, formerly of Dundee United and St Johnstone, started up front. Scotland's greatest contribution to the match was hammering a shot from the edge of the box that went out for a throw-in.

It was a decent match in that both sides tried to attack, although West Ham created far too few chances for a side hoping to achieve automatic promotion. Their best passing was in their own half, and they struggled when they pushed further forwards. I thought Henri Lansbury, on loan from Arsenal, was the stand-out player for the home side, but Sam Allardyce disagreed, substituting the midfielder midway through the second half.

I've never liked Allardyce or his teams. This was the man who signed African footballers on the cheap, then whined like a scolded dog when they were called up for the African Cup of Nations. A man whose definition of successful football was lumping the ball long to Kevin Davies and hoping for the ball to somehow find its way into the opposition net. A man with an extreme dose of misguided self belief.

West Ham have a reputation (that may or may not be deserved) for playing attractive passing football. There was little of that on show tonight, and they looked more like an Allardyce team than a Barcelona in waiting.

Ipswich had the lion's share of the chances, as well as playing the better football. Robert Green was the official man of the match, which should tell you something about how often he was called into action.

All in all, it was a decent night's entertainment, another ground chalked off to experience, and definitely one I'd be happy to return to. There's a great atmosphere, with the West Ham fans in fine voice, and hopefully that isn't lost when they move home in a few years' time.

I'd like to hope I'll be back, and hopefully I'll see a Hammers win next time. I'd also like to hope that I'm not paying £32 towards Fat Sam's wages by then as well....

Man of the Match: West Ham's defence looked tidy, and their back four could all reasonably be in with a shout. I thought Lansbury was the most dangerous player in claret and blue until Allardyce bizarrely decided to take him off. And Green was kept busier than he would have liked. But the man of the match has to come from the visiting side, and though it pains me to say it, it has to be Jimmy Bullard. I feel dirty now.

The Eighteenth Groanin' Jock Lyrical Challenge

A while back, I resurrected the game no-one seems interested in playing, The Groanin' Jock Lyrical Challenge.

Jack Deighton was the winner on that occasion, correctly identifying Money by Pink Floyd. Answers to all of those questions are now in the comments on that post.

Here are the latest songs for you to identify. Place your answers in the comments. No Googling.

1. When I hear that big black whistle they blow, I feel inside it's time for me to be going.

2. When I fully grow I'll outsize you, but I won't let you fall in love.

3. Gonna manage my time just like Johann Cruyff.

4. For what it's worth it was worth all the while.

5. And when she lets me slip away, she turns me on, all my violence is gone.

Season 2011/2012: Match 4: Montrose 2 Annan Athletic 3 (Irn-Bru Division Three)

Those of you who regularly venture down this dead-end road at the far-flung rear-end of the worldwide interweb will be aware that on the past two occasions that I have seen Montrose "play" "football", they have conceded 12 goals (that's 12 goals total. Not 12 goals in each match. They're not that terrible. Yet.).

In each of those matches, they've had a right royal hiding. But today's defeat (for it was a defeat, if the scoreline in the title of this post didn't give it away) was a different affair.

Montrose were great in the first half. Slick passing ON THE ACTUAL GROUND AND EVERYTHING and fast running from Martin Boyle saw them take the lead in the 14th minute.

OK, OK, they were pegged back almost immediately when they left a great lumbering centreback completely unmarked at the back post.

But they didn't panic, didn't resort to the casual brutality and long balls that have become their trademark - they just kept on passing the ball.

This seemed like a brave new world, one that had come about as a result of water on their collective brains due to the Angus monsoon season starting roughly 20 minutes before kick-off.

In fact, Montrose were so good in the first half that they actually went in for their shared half time orange (one segment each, Dougie Cameron gets the biggest bit) in front, wee Martin Boyle's whippetesque pace carrying him into the box to poke home a second just a minute before the whistle.

All good so far....

....then came the second half. Annan had decided that enough was enough, and spent the majority of the second period squeezing Montrose back into the their own half. But Montrose sat it out well. The slick passing may have been cast aside, but they coped well with constant pressure, and Annan didn't create much in the way of chances.

Until six minutes before time, when they lumped the ball into the box for the same centreback, again left unmarked, to slam a shot into the net.

Still, a draw is a draw, a point is a point, and when you play for Montrose a home draw is like winning the lottery.

Except Montrose went into panic mode, and Annan added a winner barely seconds short of the full time whistle.

Some attempts have been made to blame the referee for the defeat, and while he was guilty of a few odd decisions, none of them cost Montrose the match. They did that themselves through poor concentration.

There were a lot of positives today. Martin Boyle had the best game I've seen him play, the team playing to his strengths and capitalising on his pace. He also seems to be making progress towards adding a killer instinct to his game, which was previously marked by a lot of pace but an occasional lack of composure. Two goals today tell their own story.

Jamie Winter was a creative hub for Montrose. He may have picked up the nickname Sixpence for his tendency to seek the Hollywood pass everytime, but his passing ability is miles ahead of that of his team mates. He's also built like a rhino, and it's good to see a bit of muscle/gristle/flab/big bones in the middle of the park for a change.

Speaking of muscle/gristle/flab/big bones, Dougie Cameron appeared to be captaining the side today despite Stephen MaccaMaccaReyna McNally playing at right back. I'm not sure why, but then I'm one of Kneeheid Cameron's biggest critics. He actually had a decent afternoon today, with some thunderous tackling and a few decent passes. It also helped that he was out of harm's way far out on the left wing, somewhere where he can do less damage to the home side than usual.

Steven Masterton, formerly of Clyde, played as a trialist in central midfield, and he looked like a worthwhile capture if he's available permanently, working well alongside Winter and combing well with Jonathan Crawford and Boyle.

Most of the team would get pass marks based on today's performance. I can't think of any major disasters, although the defence should have been marking better at set pieces, as it was poor awareness at dead balls that cost us all three goals and all three points today.

Still, onwards and upwards....well, downwards if we keep getting no points, but you know what I mean.

Man of the match: A good all-round team performance, with a few stand-out performers, but it could only be Martin Boyle for an eye-catching display up front. If he continues to develop at the rate he has over the past year, he may not be a Montrose player for long.

Season 2011/2012: Match 3: Montrose 0 Stranraer 6 (Irn-Bru Division Three)

I'd missed Montrose's last couple of matches for varying reasons, but was looking forward to getting back to the Montrose Maracana for today's clash with a beatable Stranraer side.

Montrose started the match in good form, and in truth dominated the first half. They should have gone ahead from the penalty spot early on after visiting goalkeeper David Mitchell tripped Martin Boyle in the box.

But Jonathan Crawford (a player I've never been overly impressed by) sent his spot kick two yards wide of the post. Failing to test the goalkeeper from the spot is a cardinal sin, and one I'll be loath to forgive.

Sure enough, Montrose were made to regret it, Stranraer taking the lead in the 37th minute when Alan Campbell hesitated and Stuart McColm capitalised.

The same player added a second three minutes later, robbing Jonathan Smart and slotting low into the net.

Smart was billed as Montrose's big summer signing, and a number of the Gable Endies faithful have been singing his praises. But I've yet to see him have a good game. Today, having proven himself a liability in conceding possession in the run-up to the second goal, he added insult to injury when he picked up his third red card of the season (IN AUGUST!!!!) for halfing a Stranraer player. If I were in charge of Montrose, he'd already be on his way out of the club, for poor discipline and lack of ability.

By the time he was red carded, Montrose were three down, Chris Aitken having added a goal just after the break.

Three more followed in the second half as Montrose collapsed in horrible fashion. Having started so strongly, they were incredibly poor as the match wore on, resorting to long balls and struggling to string passes together. Sean Crighton is Montrose's best centre back but was played out of position on the right. Martin Boyle was given little to work with, and needs a target man to feed off if Montrose are going to insist on playing long balls.

My ambivalent attitude towards Dougie "Kneeheid" Cameron is long-documented, and I fail to see why he's so well regarded. He seems to be extremely limited in his abilities, resorting time and again to hopeful crosses into the box for strikers with barely enough beef on them to remain upright in a strong breeze.

One highlight from Doooooogie today was an overhead kick clearance, although I suspect that he was falling over and was simply lucky to make contact as he fell backwards.

I've seen two Montrose competitive matches this season and seen them concede 12 goals. This is supposed to be Ray Farningham's brave new world.....

Man of the Match: Few contenders from a shameful performance. Steven McMcMcMcMcPhee wins my award for looking lively when few of his colleagues were up to the task.

Season 2011/2012: Match 2: Montrose 1 East Fife 6 (Ramsdens Cup North East Section Round One)

Back in May, in the last football match I attended of the 2010/2011 season, I saw Montrose beaten 5-1 at Hampden by Queen's Park.

Yesterday, I saw Montrose beaten 6-1 by East Fife at the North Sea Nou Camp (or Links Park as it is better known) in their first competitive match of the 2011/2012 season.

Apparently, Montrose have progressed under Ray Farningham....

East Fife are a team from a higher division. It showed yesterday, as they came out flying. The scoreline didn't flatter them at all, and Montrose chances were few and far between.

Michael Andrews made his debut in goal, and some early saves indicated that he might be a worthwhile addition to the side.

But then he collapsed in spectacular fashion. East Fife's second goal came when he dropped the ball at his feet with a view to kicking it up the park, believing that he was alone in his box. But he wasn't, and East Fife striker Robert Ogelby appeared from behind the goalkeeper, stole the ball and ran it into the empty net.

The Fifers' fifth came as a result of the keeper tripping Craig Johnstone in the box to concede a penalty and allowing Ogelby to complete his hat-trick.

There were very few high points for Montrose yesterday. Steven McPhee's goal was one of them, the youngster picking the ball up on the edge of the box and slamming a shot into the top corner.

Further observations:

1) If East Fife had brought no fans, there would barely have been anyone in the ground. A poor show for the first match of the season.

2) Montrose need to keep the ball on the ground, as sending it long to our hobbit-like strikers doesn't work.

3) David Dimilta could be a decent player when he grows up. Someone needs to get him a boy's kit from the club shop.

4) Dougie Cameron has a head that looks like a knee.

Man of the Match: Not many contenders from the Montrose ranks. Steven McPhee gets the nod for his superb goal.

Glasgow Pub Admittance Policy

It's A Crime

The Nuremberg trials convicted some of the most evil people in history just 13 months after the end of World War II.

But Metropolitan Police reckons that it might struggle to complete its phone hacking INQUIRIES before the next general election in four years' time.

Modern efficiency is wonderful.

I'm A Stain

I picked up a pair of jeans yesterday morning that I had worn the day before.

I intended to wear them that day.

It wasn't until I was buttoning them up that I found the crotch displaying both tomato sauce and poop.

Tomato sauce mine. Poop not mine.

The joys of fatherhood.

The Seventeenth Groanin' Jock Lyrical Challenge

My blogging has been very erratic over the past couple of years, for a multitude of reasons.

So erratic in fact that the last time we had a Groanin' Jock Lyrical Challenge was back in September 2009.

Way back then, Cedric M. Kippers (now no longer wandering the blogosphere) identified three of the five tracks and Kenfitlike spotted one.

The answers are now in the comments on that post.

So without any further ado, here is the Seventeenth Groanin' Jock Lyrical Challenge. Simply name the artist and track, post your answers in the comments, no Googling.

1. I don't know if I'm up or down, Whether black is white or blue is brown.

2. Take off your disguise, I know that underneath it's me.

3. Grab that cash with both hands and make a stash.

4. I can see that light surrounds me, I want you to show me round.

5. Such a melting pot, on the corner selling rock, preachers pray to God.

Season 2011/2012: Match 1: Montrose 1 Raith Rovers 0 (Friendly)

The title of this post is slightly misleading.

Although I'm counting this as the first match I've been to this season, I actually saw the first 20 minutes of Montrose's encounter with Stenhousemuir a week earlier, before husband and father duties called me away.

In the 20 minutes I saw of that match, Montrose looked lively, and Martin Boyle scored a well-taken goal. They ended up winning that match 2-0, and by all accounts played well

So it was with optimism that I took my seat in the Links Park press gallery (the seats at the back of the stand) for their encounter with Division One side Raith Rovers. Raith finished 10 points behind champions Dunfermline last season, so should really be significantly better than Montrose, who at their worst are one of the least capable sides in Scottish football.

But Montrose have a new steel about them under Ray Farningham. A few of last season's old guard have moved on, and there are some new faces looking to carry Montrose to new heights.

Former Arbroath winger David DiMilta was named in the starting line-up. He's a nippy wee bugger, but he runs in a very comical fashion that brings to mind a football sprite from a late 1980s ZX Spectrum game.

Jamie Winters played in central midfield as a trialist. All I can remember of his performance is that he looks like a fat Steven Gerrard. This is not intended as a compliment.

Several Montrose fans have been raving about the performances of new signing Jonathan Smart. I thought he had a disastrous first half against Raith, allowing their strikers in too often, leaving Sandy Wood unprotected. The keeper, thankfully restored to the starting line-up now that Argentine mime artist Ramiro "The Incredible Flying Gonzo" Gonzalez has left, had a great game, pulling off a series of flying saves to deny Raith the goal their build-up play deserved.

Montrose grew into the match as it wore on, and they took a well-deserved lead through Martin Boyle, the youngster knocking home a rebound after Jonathan Crawford's shot had been saved. It seems obvious even at this early stage that the key to any Montrose success this season will be utilising Boyle's pace. If he can add an extra degree of composure to his game, then perhaps we can dare to dream....

Man of the Match: It's between Sandy Wood for his first half saves and Martin Boyle for his livewire performance up front. Sandy gets the nod this week though, as without him Montrose would have been skelped.