Sunday, February 26, 2012

Season 2011/2012: Match 17: Montrose 2 Elgin City 3 (Irn-Bru Division Three)

Another week, another home defeat for Montrose.

Having been out the night before, I wasn't really in the mood for the abstract performance art interpretation of football that I expected to be served up by Montrose and Elgin - watching Alan Campbell and Dougie Cameron launch NFL-style Hail Marys up the park is no cure for a sore heid.But I was there and I saw Elgin win by the odd goal in five thanks to a hat-trick from Craig Gunn and some Montrose defending that could be described as comedy if it was actually funny.

Jonathan Smart - who I have now decided would be ideal for the lead role in a live-action movie version of Pob -

was at fault for at least two of Gunn's goals. There are serious problems in the Montrose back line - there seems to be no communication beyond Smart roaring at people to cover his own mistakes. Stephen "MacaMacaReyna" McNally had probably the worst game I've seen him play for Montrose, Alan Campbell is slower than the process of fossilisation and Dougie Cameron has a knee for a head.

Speaking of unusual heads, Jonathan Crawford (mercifully kept on the bench today), appears to be "rocking" a new look modelled on Samuel "Screech" Powers from Saved By The Bell:

All we need now is the return of Argentine mime-artist/"goalkeeper"/goalkeeping gloves tycoon/pink elephant chaser Ramiro "The Incredible Flying Gonzo" Gonzalez and Montrose will be more like a Z-list celebrity look-alike agency/circus than a football club.

Anyway (given that this report is now beginning to sound like I had LSD for breakfast), I suppose I should highlight the Montrose positives. As stated last week, Terry Masson has developed well as a midfielder over the past few months, and his goal today was a peach. He picked up the ball on the edge of the box and curled a sublime left foot shot across goal and inside the far post. Masson 1, Doubters 0.

Martin Boyle also grabbed a goal, and had a lively game up front. He hit the outside of the post early on, had a shot into the side netting and a further goal disallowed for a dubious offside decision.

Scott Johnston was lively again, but needs to cut out the back-chat to officials. He was right to feel aggrieved for a vicious assault in the first half, but abusing a linesman is never going to get a decision overturned.

The officials had an atrocious game today - Elgin's second goal should have been flagged offside and their third came as a result of a free kick that shouldn't have been (but that the Montrose backline should then have dealt with).

Lastly - where the hell did Elgin find Paul Millar? The man is enormous - he dwarfed Smart and Campbell by more than half a foot. Based on various sources he is:

A) The tallest striker in British football (Papa B)
B) The tallest outfield player in the world (Mad old bastard in the stand)
C) The tallest man in the world (Mad young roving reporter in the stand)

He still didn't score though...

Man of the Match: It could have been Boyle. It could have been Lloyd Young. It could never have been any of the back five. But yesterday my Man of the Match was Terry "The Destroyer" Masson for a typically combative performance in the middle of the park and as sweet a goal as we've seen this season.

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