A while back, I added a post that linked to Ten Things Hollywood Thinks Computers Can Do.
And that got me thinking: what other barely believable crap do we put up with in our movies?
So I started drawing up a little list, which I like to think (in my own muddle-headed, delirious and dream-like fashion) will build up into a substantial compendium of nonsense peddled by directors over in LALA Land.
Here are a few for starters:
1) It is possible to have a high speed car chase during daylight hours in any city on Earth.
I've never driven in London, LA or New York, but I have driven in Melbourne, Perth, Adelaide, Edinburgh and Glasgow (not to mention on roads in Thailand - but that's a scarier post for another day). It is not possible, in the centre of any of those cities, to drive at anything above 20mph. In most of them, most of the time you're barely moving at all. So how is it therefore possible to drive at speeds in excess of 60mph in any of the world's major Metropolises? (Should that be Metropolii?) If you drove that fast in any city on Earth during the day, you and countless other people would be dead very quickly. And your car would be extremely dead as well.
2) It is possible to knock someone out with one punch. OK, this may actually be possible. But, having worked in some pretty boisterous pubs on two continents and as a security guard at football matches, I've still never seen it happen. And, from what I've seen of movies, it mostly happens to minor villains, the type of muscled goons that Big Bosses use to man doors and guard prisoners. Now, it strikes me that if your sole job requirement is to be hard and menacing, ending up out cold after one punch would be a major hinderance to your long-term career plans.
3) Simultaneous orgasms happen every time a couple has sex. Let's just leave that one be....
4) 28-year-old women who look like Denise Richards are Nuclear Physicists. I'm not saying breasted humans can't be nuclear physicists. Or that scientists can't be good looking. Just that I would imagine that if you're a nuclear physicist experienced enough to be dismantling warheads in Kazakhstan, you're probably not 28.Or female. Or good-looking. Or called Christmas Jones. You're a 45-year-old man with a beard. Called Neil. (The 45-year-old man that is, not his beard.)
5) Sarah Jessica Parker is attractive. Need I say more?
Feel free to add to this list of Hollywood absurdities - there are plenty more to choose from....
5 comments:
1. People always put down the telephone without saying goodbye.
2. No-one ever wakes up with gritty panda eyes after not having taken their makeup off the night before.
3. Pre sex scene, no ladies ever struggle to take their tights off.
4. Sarah Jessica Parker is not considered annoying.
All astute observations Misssy - SJP's continued presence in Hollywood is a complete mystery to me!
All cars explode into flames when they hit anything.
Laptop computers always boot immediately to the program needed and automatically connects to high-speed internet just by lifting the cover. And closing them automatically shuts down everything and powers off.
Heroes can shoot the bad guy between the eyes with any handgun, either hand, at any range, while both are moving. Villains can't hit the hero at ten feet with a fully-automatic weapon.
Hackers can write anything, in any operating system, in any program, by just randomly tapping away on the keyboard for a couple of minutes.
The hero dives sideways with both pistols blazing and still kills the bad guy.
It is hard enough hitting a target while diving for cover but with two pistols... come on! :-)
I can only think of two farting instances. One from the campfire scene in Blazing Saddles and the other from a Jim Carey movie. In the second one it wasn't even audible.
Missy, sometimes the film stars leave their tights on. That's why you get the oscillating toe movements.
(I fear I may have taken this too far)
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