Death and Taxes

Even death doesn't excuse poor parking in London.

Moody Blues

I think the Magic Tune Box was in as foul a mood as I was this afternoon....

....there are more than 23,000 songs on it, but set to shuffle, the first four that came on were by Nirvana, Metallica, Marilyn Manson and The Offspring.

I'm sure it's alive and tuned in to my moods....

Season 2009/2010: Match 12: Montrose v Forfar

You wait eight months for a home league win, then when it does it's a four-goal derby destruction.

 

I don't know what happened last night, but something in the Montrose team clicked and they actually looked as though they wanted to play football for a change.

 

Even Chris Hegarty's red card on the cusp of half time (I've now lost track of how many times he's been sent off this season, but it's at least three) did little to dent Montrose's ambition - they scored their second goal less than a minute later and added two more in the second half.

 

The sending off was ridiculous - Chris Hegarty won a free kick in the middle of the park and went to take it quickly. But a Forfar player was standing in front of the ball and it cannoned back off his shins. I'm not sure whether Hegarty was booked for slamming the kick off his opponent or for moaning about it, but he was dismissed for his second yellow card.

 

But Montrose's performance was well worthy of the win. There was passion and commitment, not to mention excellent performances from Tweed, McNally, Gemmell and Milligan in particular. Forfar were very poor, as you would expect of a side pumped 4-0 by a 10-man team that hadn't previously won a league game at home.

 

It felt like winning a cup final last night, when in fact it was just a league win, and an essentially meaningless one at that. But the performance was enough to suggest that a corner has been turned.

Let Me Stand Next To Your Fire

I'd LOVE to see this guy's band live. Or auditioning for the X Factor or Britain's Got Talent.

Heineken Football Festival

Rangers: The Kenny Dalglish Dream Team Years

Click on the picture to read about Kenny Dalglish's ambitious plans to rebuild Rangers in the mid-1990s.

Season 2009/2010: Match 11: Montrose v Albion Rovers

It just occurred to me that I neglected to write a report of the most recent match I was at, Montrose's reschuled clash with Albion Rovers.

 

A Tuesday night in March isn't the ideal time to be watching a game on the shore of the North Sea, but I was nevertheless able to convince Mrs Wife to come with me to Links Park.

 

And it seems that she might be something of a good luck charm, as Montrose didn't lose. They didn't win, and they didn't score any goals, but when you follow the worst team in Scotland, a point is a point.

 

Montrose were the better side for much of the match, dominating and coming close to scoring on a number of occasions. I've been no fan of Steven Tweed's on-pitch contributions, but he gave one of the more assured performances of his Montrose career and helped the defence look more settled than has been the case of late.

 

Even a late sending off did nothing to dampen Montrose's spirits, when even a goalless home draw feels like a win.

Do The Colours Of The Rainbow Look The Same To Everyone?

This is one of the best optical illusions I've ever seen.

Season 2009/2010: Match 10: Aberdeen v Hearts

Courtesy of a spare season ticket, I accompanied friend to Pit O'Dire today to watch Aberdeen take on fellow SPL shitehawks Hearts.

It was freezing down at the beach, and I was soon thinking better of my decision to accept the free ticket.

From the start, this game had 0-0 written all over it. Aberdeen's midget central midfield were poor and both Kerr and McDonald were lucky to stay on the park for a series of semi-brutal challenges. Darren Mackie remains the world's worst striker. And Hearts are a thuggish side with little in the way of inspiration.

It was a red card that changed the course of the game, Laryea Kingston shown a straight red for a kung fu kick. From there on in, Hearts never looked back, defending in numbers and slicing Aberdeen open more regularly than had been the case with a full team.

They finally took the lead in the second half through an overhead kick, with the Hearts players queuing up to score and the Aberdeen defence missing in action.

Aberdeen became more desperate, but couldn't find an equaliser, let alone a winner.

Neither of these sides has much in the way of class, but Aberdeen should be especially worried given their recent poor run of form. It's still not too late for them to be sucked into a relegation battle.

We can but dream....

Flaming Eck

On this evening's STV news bulletin, Alex Salmond said "I can think of nothing more exciting than living in the North East of Scotland."

I'm willing to test that theory. If anyone has a wad of cash they're not needing, I'll buy a boat and sail it across the Atlantic with Salmond towed behind in an inflatable dinghy.

Arriving in the US, I'll make my way to the next space shuttle launch, attach Eck to the outside of the shuttle with a combination of superglue and staples, paint him in sugar and release a swarm of hornets.

As an added bonus, I'll also set his testicles on fire.

I wonder if he'll be able to imagine anything more exciting than a life in Fraserburgh after that?

Season 2009/2010: Match 9: Montrose v Elgin

I give up.

I've spent a lot of money watching Montrose over the past few years - as I've become fond of saying £140 is a lot of money to watch joiners playing football.

It's even more money to watch them not play football.

Saturday's match was an opportunity for The Worst Team In Scotland to close the gap on The Second Worst Team In Scotland.

Elgin are gash. As are all of the teams in Division Three, with the possible exception of Livingston, who are marginally less gash due to being the only full-time side in the division.

The Montrose team of two seasons ago would have demolished this Elgin side. But that seems like a lifetime ago, and this Montrose side lack confidence, ability, composure and everything else associated with a football team on the up.

It's beyond a joke now. The team and the club are a laughing stock.

I am seriously considering jacking it in. £10 a week to sit in a freezing cold concrete shed to watch whatever random assortment of Toms, Dicks and Harrys Steven Tweed is fielding this week isn't feeling like a sensible decision nowadays. The official attendance was 280 on Saturday, but that was a guess because nobody was bothering to count the poor souls trickeling through the gate. I'd have said it was below 250.

Most people have stopped caring. I include the players in that. The only one who seemed to give a toss got sent off in the first half for a second booking.

Missing Chris Hegarty, the side immediately went into freefall, conceding goals either side of half time. By the time Elgin added a brace in second half injury time, any hope of a comeback was long abandoned.

The Worst Team In Scotland? It's not even a competition any more

Database

At yesterday's Montrose match, I found myself sitting beside former Brechin City manger Ian Fleming, who led the club to a title way back in 1982.

Afterwards, I was rummaging around the internet trying to find out how long he was at Glebe Park, when I stumbled upon this site - a database listing every UK post war football transfer, as well as the statistics for each player at each club.

The wealth of information here is astounding - just an idle flick through its pages and pages of data makes it look like the work of several lifetimes.

And a quick dip into the Rangers page makes for interesting reading. Erik Bo Andersen hit 15 goals in 23 appearances; Shota Arveladze 44 in 95; Gordon Durie 44 in 125; Gazza 30 in 74; and Mark Hateley 85 in 165 in his first spell at Ibrox.

I had presumed that Durie scored far more than that, and that Gascoigne had played more games. I was also sure that Hateley had scored more than 100 goals for Rangers, although perhaps the total given is for league goals only.

And Terry Hurlock only played 29 games for the club. He was my first Rangers cult hero - stepping out onto the pitch to inflict GBH on whoever came near him. His description as a "Millwall hardman" should have said it all.

Season 2009/2010: Match 8: Montrose v Queen's Park

It's been an interesting couple of weeks in the story of Montrose's season - a first league win followed by a trip to Easter Road for a Scottish Cup skelping.

With the positives from those two performances, neither of which I was able to witness, I was fairly optimistic that today would be the day that Montrose broke their home league duck.

It was a bright, crisp day today and Montrose started with a refreshing spring in their step, testing the Hampden side on a number of occasions.

They finally took the lead in the 36th minute, Paul Tosh netting his fifth goal since moving to Links Park.

Stephen McNally, newly acquired from Forfar, was Montrose's best player, giving the defence an air of solidity from his right back berth. He also came close to an audacious goal, spotting Mark McGeown out of position and forcing the goalkeeper to make a desperate diving save from a 45-yard free kick wide on the right.

But Montrose's omnipresent hesitancies cost them again, the defenders at fault for both of Queen's Park's second half goals.

In the end though, it was dubious refereeing that cost Montrose, with Tosh having two perfectly legitimate goals disallowed for offside.

There were positives in the performance, not least the contributions made by McNally and fellow new signing Stevie Nicholas. But the sooner Montrose see the back of 2009/2010, the better.

Today's crowd - 325. A week after Montrose took 548 fans to Easter Road. Disgusting.

The Finest In African Journalism

And in bum sex scandals of course.

Breaking News

Groanin' Jock, bringing you all the important things in life - Scottish pussy (apparently), Montrose Football Club and pictures of John Terry.




(Click on the picture to bigify it if necessary.)

Good Morning

Up at 8am on a Sunday morning - this had better be worth it....

The Truth

I thought it was about time you all knew the truth about me.

Season 2009/2010: Match 7: Montrose v East Stirlingshire

Having missed last week's Links Park 4-5 thriller, today was my first live football match of 2010, and the first I've seen since mid-December.

Anyone hoping for a match as exciting as the previous week's must have been was sorely disappointed. The most exciting thing that happened (even more exciting than Shire's 18th minute winner) was the referee injuring himself and the stadium announcer sending out a call around the stadium for a registered referee or linseman.

Thankfully (or not, given the dire fare on show today) one of the matchday stewards also doubles as a match official and ran the far side touchline for the second half.

Montrose were abysmal. I don't think they had a shot on target - in fact, they had barely any shots at all. Shire were better, but never looked like they had to step out of first gear.

There can be no denying now that Montrose are the worst team in the country by a long, long way. Aside from John Maitland, not one of the players looked remotely confident. Allied with that was a complete lack of ideas.

Steven Tweed may have a long-term contract as Montrose's player-manager, but something needs to change. Only the Scottish Cup run has injected any enthusiasm into a dire season, but that run will certainly end at Easter Road in a fortnight's time.

It's been a grim winter with more grimness yet to come.

Friday Ten - Ten Songs or Albums That Remind Me Of Different Places and Times

Whenever I hear one of these records, I am automatically transported back in time.

1) Nessun Dorma - Luciano Pavarotti: Any time I hear the last minute or so of Nessum Dorma, I'm 10 years old and spending the summer holidays with my Granny and Grampa in Brechin. The World Cup is on the BBC every day, and the green pitches seem especially bright under the Italian floodlights. Every match is preceded and followed by the tournament's adopted theme tune, bellowed by Pavarotti. This piece of music is a whole mish-mash of different memories - watching the matches in my Granny and Grampa's house, recreating Salvatori Schillachi's bug-eyed goal celebrations and Packie Bonner's penalty saves in Brechin Public Park, and generally playing more football in a day than my legs could now manage in a month.

2) This Is My Truth, Tell Me Yours - Manic Street Preachers: This was the last album I bought before moving to Edinburgh for university at 18. In the flurry of leaving drinks, packing, work and general excitement in the week leading up to the move, I barely listened to the album. But once I'd unpacked in my new home in Craiglockhart Halls of Residence and set my stereo up, this album remained in the CD player for a while afterwards. All of the tracks are now forever associated with that first week away from home and the exciting new world it presented.

3) Who Killed The Zutons? - The Zutons: One of the first albums I bought after returning from a year traveling around the world, this coincided with me buying a car and an in-car CD player and getting a job with the Oban Times. As I scooted around the town from Mrs Wife's folks' house to the office, the Liverpudlians' first album became the soundtrack to that first week as a full-time journalist.

4) A Grand Don't Come For Free - The Streets: A few months into our round the world jaunt in 2003-2004, Mrs Wife and I were skint and living hand-to-mouth in Perth, Western Australia. One of my friends took pity and sent across a pile of albums to help pass the time. Later, when we were based in Melbourne, he did the same again, just before we started traveling down Australia's east coast by bus. One of the CDs was The Streets' second album, and I would often listen to it on overnight bus journies, this curious English concept album soundtracking sleepless nights staring out into the pitch-black bush.

5) Love Is Noise - The Verve: The Verve's fourth album was released the day I set off for Norway for the first time with work. I'd decided before leaving that Love Is Noise would be my anthem for the three-day jaunt, and I listened to the track any time I had a spare five minutes. I also drove my colleagues to distraction by singing it at all other times, including making an odd hooting noise to recreate the instruments. Any time I hear it now, I'm back in Stavanger in the summer sunshine.

6) Be Here Now - Oasis: Oasis opened the concerts on their Be Here Now tour of 1997 with the song of the same name, and any time I hear it I can remember the excitement of being in the front row, my arms squeezed against the barrier to stop my ribs snapping, as the band burst out of a red phonebox and straight into this song.

7) Did You Miss Me? - The Cooper Temple Clause: When working in a canteen while at university in 2001, I would arrive at 8am on Saturday morning (not a student-friendly time of the weekend), hook up my CD player and stick on my favourite album of the time, The Cooper Temple Clause's majestic debut See This Through and Leave. The opening keyboard refrain still helps perk me up on occasion, although I don't have an endless supply of bacon rolls and Coke on hand any more.

8) Death Trip 21 - Ash: In 1999, five of us from university went to Ireland for 10 days. These were the days of portable tape players, and my friends and I swapped compilation tapes. Strangely, the only track I can remember putting on mine is Death Trip 21 by Ash, from their Nu-Clear Sounds album. Hearing it now reminds me of the train ride from Belfast to Dublin.

9) In The Meantime - Spacehog: This song reminds me of the same holiday, as it was on the jukebox in the hostel we stayed in in Dublin. We were in the Irish capital in mid-April, but it was hammering down with snow for most of our time there. So we spent a lot of time in the hostel bar, and this song got a few airings during our stay.

10) Here, There and Everywhere - The Beatles: The first dance at our wedding. Mrs Wife had this on her list of potential first dances from her teenage years, and it was an easy choice to make. It also features in the episode of Friends where Phoebe gets married, played on a steel drum, but ours was the Fabs' version.

Forfar Four East Fife Five

I'm full of the cold and skint, so decided that spending a tenner to sit in a concrete shed in the pishing rain wasn't the best way to spend this afternoon.

Therefore, I chose not to go to Links Park for Montrose's hastily rearranged fixture with Stranraer.

Sitting on the comfortable Dungroanin' sofa, I had Jeff Stelling, Paul Merson, Charlie Nicholas and Phil Thompson for company as they kept the nation informed of the latest football scores on Soccer Saturday.

When Stranraer raced into an early 2-0 lead, I was glad I'd stayed at home.

When Montrose pulled it back to 2-2 just before half time, I said to Mrs Wife that I was now sure I was about to miss Montrose's first league win of the season.

Sure enough, they bagged another couple and found themselves 4-2 up with just 14 minutes left.

At that point, I considered driving down to the ground, walking in through the open gates and applauding the team from the pitch after a memorable comeback and much-needed three points.

But somehow, in those remaining minutes, Montrose contrived to lose THREE goals and match itself.

Even from the safety of my own settee, following Montrose is a harrowing experience.