Season 2011/2012: Match 20: Montrose 0 Alloa Athletic 2 (Irn-Bru Division Three)

Over the past few weeks/months/years, Neil Lennon:

has developed quite a reputation for being an ungracious loser, convinced that there's a conspiracy whereby referees are out to deny his club "their" treble.

It's all bollocks of course, and part of the greater Celtic persecution complex whereby the SFA, UEFA, FIFA, the UK government, pro-Israeli governments, Andy Goram, HMRC, the Feudal System, potato blight, diving Portuguese midfielders, Kyle Lafferty, Alex Salmond, the English, the Masons and Ally McCoist are all geared towards denying Celtic their rightful place at the summit of Scottish, European and world football.

If the snaggle-toothed ginger wants to see what it's like living with week upon week of woeful refereeing, he should start following Montrose.

Today, Montrose were 10 minutes from a share of the points with Division Three champions elect Alloa. The visitors had Ryan Harding sent off after 18 minutes, the centre back misjudging the flight of a long ball from Dougie Cameron, getting caught the wrong side of Martin Boyle and deciding that his only option was to take the striker out.

But Mat Northcroft apparently decided to redress the balance in the 80th minute, awarding a penalty to Alloa and dismissing Alan Campbell for a professional foul. Which would have been perfectly fine had Campbell not clearly taken the ball before making contact with Stevie May.

Campbell walked, Ryan McCord stepped up to take the penalty, and Alloa never looked back.

Alloa doubled their lead two minutes later, McCord reacting fastest when Darren Young's 35-yard shot smacked off both posts before dropping in front of goal.

It's easy enough to say that the sending off cost Montrose the match, but the truth is that they played against 10 men for 72 minutes. Instead of keeping possession and passing the ball, they resorted to their tried and tested aimless and useless tactic of launching the ball as far up the park as possible at every opportunity.

It seems that Paul Lunan - a man with four contrasting haircuts competing for attention on his oblong head - and Dougie Cameron just want to get the ball as far away from themselves as possible - every time they're in possession, an aimless punt follows.

In a moment of sun-inspired pre-match jollity I composed a song in Dougie's honour. To the tune of "He's Got The Whole World In His Hands":

He's got a patella for a head

He's got a patella for a head

He's got a patella for a head

He's got a knee where his heid should be

I look forward to a rousing rendition at the next Montrose match.

Aside from the late Alloa flurry, Northcroft's unexplainable mental breakdown and Montrose's desire to play American Football rather than the proper type, there was little to note in today's match.

Except for one thing. It seems that Heath Ledger:

didn't die while filming The Dark Knight - he's alive and well and playing up front for Alloa under the alias Stevie May:

It's all a conspiracy...

Man of the Match: All in all, today was largely forgettable for Montrose. I barely remember them being in the Alloa box, despite having an extra man for three quarters of the match. If push comes to shove, I'd probably go for Paul Lunan, who looked solid at the back when not trying to launch the ball non-stop to Brechin.

Friday Ten: Ten Songs For A Sunny Day

I'm steadfastly ignoring all claims to include Dodgy...

1. Going Out - Supergrass

2. Daytripper - The Beatles

3. Dry The Rain - The Beta Band

4. ABC - The Jackson 5

5. Sunny Afternoon - The Kinks

6. The Circle - Ocean Colour Scene

7. Whatever - Oasis

8. I Get Around - The Beach Boys

9. Time Of The Season - The Zombies

10. One Love - The Stone Roses

Public Service Announcement

The last reason is good enough in itself.

As sent to me by Big Rab

The Force Wasn't So Strong

Maybe the Force wasn't as strong in young Anakin Skywalker/Jake Lloyd as we were led to believe...

As seen here

Newbies

On the way home from visiting friends outside Perth yesterday, Mrs Wife, the Jockling and I stopped in Dundee so that I could pick up some new tenants for the Dungroanin' aquarium.

This weekend's additions were three Otocinclus, or Ottos for short, that I have named Optimus, Rodimus and Bumblebee. The photograph above shows Optimus getting straight down to the business of eating brown algae, which was the reason for acquiring them in the first place.

They join an eclectic group that includes seven harlequin rasbora (Quinzel, Cobblepot, Nigma, Bane, Dent, Fries and Joker), three mollies (Laudrup, Gascoigne and Walters) and a guppy (Firestar), as well as five Malaysian trumpet snails (Davis, Gillespie, Armstrong, Flea and Moore).

Laudrup (bottom middle), Gascoigne (upper right) and Walters (upper left) say hello to the camera, while one of the harlequins pops into the frame in the top right.

And The Living's Easy

Large McDonald's strawberry milkshake.

Paul Simon's Graceland on the headphones.

Sun in the sky and barely a breeze.

I love summertime...

....Even when it arrives in March...

Pokemon and Saved By The Bell

Since posting a photograph of Samuel "Screech" Powers - AKA Montrose "football player" Jonathan Crawford - a few weeks back, it appears that this far-flung outpost of the worldwide interweb has become the primary resource for people seeking photographs of said character.

But today, someone also arrived having searched for "Picachu tackle". Unfortunately I can't help with that - although a quick search of the Groanin' Jock archives will reveal a picture of the Pokemon's vagina...

Between The Lines

I've been reading a fair bit over the past wee while, thanks in part to receiving a Kindle for Xmas from Mither.

Here's what I've devoured over the past few months:


Catching Fire - Suzanne Collins
The second Hunger Games book. Not as good as the first, which was exciting (if a little predictable). But there were some interesting twists that took the story to new places...


Mockingjay - Suzanne Collins
...that were concluded in Mockingjay. The story seemed to lose its way a bit in the final chapter, but it was rounded off to a generally satisfactory degree.


Rage - Stephen King (writing as Richard Bachman)
For a short while, Stephen King wrote under the pseudonym Richard Bachman, just to see what it was like to be an unknown author again.

The education guide to a career is a great resource to use in jump starting your career as an author.

The first of the Bachman books I read was Rage, a book that has since been withdrawn from sale due to a high school shooter using it as inspiration for his rampage. Cleverly plotted, with well-crafted characters, Rage is well worth a read if you can find a second-hand copy.


The Ultimate Book of Useless Information - Noel Botham
I love useless facts. I've devoted almost my entire life to filling my head with facts that I will never need and should never use, but can't resist in a smart-ass way. I actually noticed some inaccuracies in this book, but read it cover to cover nonetheless.


Are You Dave Gorman? - Dave Gorman
I'm a long-term fan of Gorman (and his sidekick Danny Wallace), but it took me a long time to get round to reading the book that made his name. The devotion to duty, and the mental imbalance required, to spend months seeking out Dave Gormans from around the world is an endeavour that few would try, and fewer still could relay in such amusing fashion.


The Long Walk - Stephen King (writing as Richard Bachman)
My second Bachman book, The Long Walk was harrowing. Cleverly, it doesn't reveal itself fully until the end of the journey, so the plot is gradually revealed as the characters' long walk is taking place. Subtle genius.

Roadwork - Stephen King (writing as Richard Bachman)
Not as strong a story as Rage or The Long Walk, but Roadwork  gave a good study of one man's fight against the system, and his parallel descent into madness.


The Running Man - Stephen King (writing as Richard Bachman)
The movie may regularly recive an unwarranted kicking, but The Running Man gave us a dystopian future where people are hunted for sport on live TV. An obvious touchstone for The Hunger Games trilogy, the book is darker and less cartoonish than the Arnie blockbuster.

The Great Derangement: A Terrifying True Story of War, Politics and Religion at the Twilight of the American Empire - Matt Taibbi
Rolling Stone reporter Matt  Taibbi looks at the political divide in the USA, how its citizens are reacting and what it means for the world at large. Some of the character profiles are truly frightening, and it comes as a sobering thought to realise how many people go about the business of electing the most powerful person on Earth.


The Bedroom Secrets of The Master Chefs - Irvine Welsh
Welsh's post-Trainspotting work may have been on an ever-downward spiral, but they've always been a guilty pleasure of mine - there hasn't been one I haven't enjoyed. I love that they're set in the real Edinburgh, with real streets, real pubs and real shops. And his characters are genuinely gruesome. The Bedroom Secrets of The Master Chefs bore comparison with The Portrait of Dorian Gray, and I zipped through its funny and horrifying plot.

Charlie Brooker's Screen Burn - Charlie Brooker
On his day, there are few people funnier than Charlie Brooker. This book collects some of his TV columns, where he dismembers the offal paraded as prime time broadcasting in the UK. Generally hilarious, although as the book is more than 10 years old, some of the references fall flat today.

Under The Dome - Stephen King
The first half of this monster of a novel was as good as anything I've read for a while - a genuine "what the fuck is going on" situation brought to life with a lucid mix of characters. But I was ultimately disappointed with the pay-off - it was almost as if King himself had no real idea where to take the story and ended up with a "ach, that'll do". Frustrating considering how strong the first half was.

Life and Fate - Vasily Grossman
An epic novel set in the final days of World War II, as Russia and Germany fight for supremacy in Stalingrad. Translated from the original Russian novel written 60-odd years ago, it was far from an easy read. Some parts kept the imagination, but others dragged by for what seemed like the duration of the siege of Stalingrad itself. A massive undertaking, and not one to be considered lightly.

The QI Book of General Ignorance - John Lloyd and John Mitchinson
Another collection of trivia and usless facts, this book set about debunking many a myth. Very educational, even if a lot of the science involved went right over my head.

The Second QI Book of General Ignorance - John Lloyd and John Mitchinson
More of the same - the benefits of having a Kindle being that I now carry 500+ books with me wherever I go, and can appease my appetite for education and stimulation whenever I feel like it.

The Internet Is A Playground - David Thorne
David Thorne is a mad, hilarious, evil genius. His website at http://www.27bslash6.com/ is one of my favourite things in the whole world. This book collects the first batch of his internet postings, as well as a several exclusive to the book. Laugh-out-loud funny, even those stories I'd read several times before. I cannot recommend this book highly enough.

Slide Away

It came as a sobering realistion today that many of my favourite records are 15 years old this year.

Albums from 1997 that rank among my favourites or that otherwise had a big effect on me at the time include:

Radiator - Super Furry Animals
OK Computer - Radiohead
Tellin' Stories - The Charlatans
Do It Yourself - The Seahorses
Be Here Now - Oasis
Urban Hymns - The Verve
In It For The Money - Supergrass
Marchin' Already - Ocean Colour Scene
Vanishing Point - Primal Scream
Dig Your Own Hole - The Chemical Brothers
The Fat of The Land - The Prodigy
Heavy Soul - Paul Weller
Flaming Pie - Paul McCartney
When I Was Born For The Seventh Time - Cornershop
The Colour and The Shape - Foo Fighters
Ladies and Gentlemen We Are Floating In Space - Spiritualized
Young Team - Mogwai
Songs From Northern Britain - Teenage Fanclub
Blur - Blur
Stupid Stupid Stupid - Black Grape
Good Feeling - Travis
Portishead - Portishead
Attack of the Grey Lantern - Mansun

And those are just the ones I can remember off the top of my head in 10 minutes.

Quite easily the best year of music in my lifetime. We'll never see its like again...

Confusion

Reading Cracked.com's 13 Current Events as Understood By Five-Year-Olds this morning reminded me that, as a child, I thought Neil Kinnock was the first man to walk on the moon.

School Trip

Stolen from Tropical Fish Forums UK

Face Recognition

The Nineteenth Groanin' Jock Lyrical Challenge

With only one entrant in the last Groanin' Jock Lyrical Challenge, Neepheid wins by default, having correctly identified Blur's Beetlebum.

Here are the latest tunes to spot, courtesy of the Magic Tune Box set to shuffle. Just identify the song and the artist, no Googling allowed.

1. Pride can hurt you too, apologise to her.

2. I'm looking over the wall and they're looking at me.

3. What a big black mask, what a hunk of love.

4. Watching him dash away, swinging an old bouquet.

5. You were the seven deadly sins, making sense in your "screw me" dress.

Season 2011/2012: Match 19: Montrose 1 Berwick Rangers 1 (Irn-Bru Division Three)

After five years of watching Montrose week in, week out, and almost 12 months of Raymond Farningham's Less Than Incredible Comedy Circus, I've finally worked out where the main problem is.

The assorted nuclear physicists, neurosurgeons and chemical weapon developers that turn out for Montrose during their days off think that football matches last 70 minutes.

That can be the only reason for them giving Berwick a good game for that long then inexplicably switching off for the final 20 minutes.

Neither side created any clear chances in the first half hour or so, but the 10 minutes before the break suggested we were in for a match in the second half.

It took only three minutes of the latter period for Montrose to take the lead, Martin Boyle (maybe just overshadowed this week by Lionel Messi's exploits in the Champions League) applying a low finish to Lloyd Young's knockdown.

And from there they could have had at least another one or two. Scott Johnston was tireless, marauding up and down both wings, while his fellow midfielders were solid and generally reliable.

But with 20 minutes remaining - coinciding with the introduction of Jamie Winter in place of Terry Masson in central midfield - Montrose began to invite their visitors into the final third, a dangerous strategy given the home side's defensive frailty and erratic goalkeeper.

On this instance, it wasn't keeper Michael Andrews who was at fault - he had a good game, with some excellent saves that kept Montrose in the match.

Today those at fault (yet again) were:
Jonathan "Pob" Beckenbauer Smart. Everyone's favourite jug-eared puppet turned centre back remains a critical disaster area, not least because in his head, he's never at fault. If he spent as much time defending as he does barking at his team mates to hide his own mistakes, he'd be on the way to being as good as he clearly thinks he is.

Neither he nor Sean Crighton (the switch on the back of Crighton's head was flicked from "Get rid of the ball at all times" to "Panic and flap about" for the final 20 minutes) managed to beat the much shorter Damon Gray in the air when Berwick equalised from a corner.

The whole Montrose defence is a shambles, with another weak point in today's late collapse -
- Dougie Cameron, a source of continuing frustration. He'd have been a contender for man of the match up until the final 20 minutes, when his tendency to go walkabout reappeared. He needs to realise that he's at his best sticking to his position at left back and using his genuine passing ability from there, rather than wandering aimlessly into midfield and leaving gaps at the back that he doesn't have the pace to refill when necessary.

Also in the "could have been a contender" category was Jonathan Crawford:Screech was doing well in a holding midfield role for the first hour or so, but he also seemed to be destabilised by Winter's introduction - possibly as a result of losing the (unlikely) calming influence of Terry Masson beside him.

I can understand Farningham's introduction of Winter with 20 minutes to go - hope the ball drops to him somewhere in the same postcode as the Berwick net and that he can use his laser-guided rocket foot to power in a goal or two.

But the team's shape went all to buggery after he came on, the midfield stopped defending, the defence started defending like they didn't know how to defend and there was no way Montrose were going to come out with all three points.

It's infuriating watching men who should know better stop playing the way they can and resort to aimless punts and defending like kids.

This season's a write-off, we know that much. We've seen the team match all the other teams in the division at one time or another. They need to remember to play for the full 90 minutes, with maybe some tweaks to personnel. I'd still be in favour of binning the two Jonathans, but I'd keep Kneeheid, as on his day he's a player. Otherwise, I'm still comfortable with the team we put on the park most weeks.

Man of the Match: It feels like I say this every week, but Boyle was tireless up front and deserved his goal. Masson was strong in midfield, as was Lloyd Young alongside him. Crawford and Cameron played well in the first half. But the award is between Michael Andrews and Scott Johnston, and now that I've thought about it, Andrews kept Montrose in the game on a number of occasions.

Season 2011/2012: Match 18: Montrose 0 Queen's Park 1 (Irn-Bru Division Three)

Sometimes I feel as though I'm stuck in my own personal version of Groundhog Day where I:

• Go to work
• Read some of the book I've been reading for almost six months on the train into work
• Go to Links Park
• Hear a mad old bastard exclaim about something that no-one else can see
• Fail to win the 50/50 half-time draw
• Listen to a mad young reporter tell me that Sandy Wood is very nice
• See Martin Boyle run fast
• Watch Dougie Cameron shank 95-yard "passes" out for throw-ins
• See Montrose lose a football match

Yesterday was day 1,735 of this never-ending loop. It was unusually warm at the Wellington Street Wembley, but that was the only deviation from the script.

Neither side looked particularly good, and the Hampden side never looked likely to put five past Montrose, as they did 17 days earlier.

Very few clear-cut chances were created by either side, Scott Johnston hitting the side netting and Jamie Winter continuing his development of a land-based, foot-launched missile defence system just in case Scotland ever becomes independent.

Montrose stuck steadfastly to their less-than-convincing tactic of letting the defence launch the ball as far up the park as possible, in the hope that

A) Martin Boyle will run fast enough to catch the ball and score
B) The ball will fall in front of Jamie Winter somewhere in the opposition half, and he will score
C) Garry Wood will have grown six inches and become a genuine target man

Unfortunately, none of these things happened in the 74 minutes that Montrose kept a full complement of players on the brillo pad that is the Links Park surface.

(Topic for debate: is it still a park if there's no grass?)

It was in the 74th minute that Paul Lunan:

nailed winger Ian Watt with a clumsy challenge wide on the right. It wasn't particularly malicious, just a (much) slower player completely mistiming his tackle and taking Watt completely out of the game. Some referees might have shown a yellow, given the foul occurred midway into the Montrose half and wide on the right, but it was certainly a dangerous tackle.

Even then, Montrose didn't capitulate. Rather than bring on Beckenbauer Smart (banished to the bench for looking and defending like Pob) or Sean Crighton, Ray Farningham instead moved Wood to centre back and tried to keep the attacking momentum going.

It almost paid off, but with two minutes remaining substitute Owen Ronald hit the bye-line and crossed for Jamie Longworth to slam a shot low past Michael Andrews.

That takes Montrose's current run to three home defeats. We know that the bottom two is beckoning once more.

Frustratingly, we also know that Montrose on their day are a match for any team in the division. Worryingly though, it seems as though more teams are becoming aware that Montrose rely far too much on Boyle and Winter, and that if they can nullify that twin threat, the Montrose defence will almost always ship goals.

Man of the Match: It's a tough one, as no-one really shone. The defence held out well, even after Lunan's dismissal. I thought that Garry Wood looked potentially useful up front, and coped well when shifted to centre back, so I'll go with him.

Season 2011/2012: Match 17: Montrose 2 Elgin City 3 (Irn-Bru Division Three)

Another week, another home defeat for Montrose.

Having been out the night before, I wasn't really in the mood for the abstract performance art interpretation of football that I expected to be served up by Montrose and Elgin - watching Alan Campbell and Dougie Cameron launch NFL-style Hail Marys up the park is no cure for a sore heid.But I was there and I saw Elgin win by the odd goal in five thanks to a hat-trick from Craig Gunn and some Montrose defending that could be described as comedy if it was actually funny.

Jonathan Smart - who I have now decided would be ideal for the lead role in a live-action movie version of Pob -

was at fault for at least two of Gunn's goals. There are serious problems in the Montrose back line - there seems to be no communication beyond Smart roaring at people to cover his own mistakes. Stephen "MacaMacaReyna" McNally had probably the worst game I've seen him play for Montrose, Alan Campbell is slower than the process of fossilisation and Dougie Cameron has a knee for a head.

Speaking of unusual heads, Jonathan Crawford (mercifully kept on the bench today), appears to be "rocking" a new look modelled on Samuel "Screech" Powers from Saved By The Bell:

All we need now is the return of Argentine mime-artist/"goalkeeper"/goalkeeping gloves tycoon/pink elephant chaser Ramiro "The Incredible Flying Gonzo" Gonzalez and Montrose will be more like a Z-list celebrity look-alike agency/circus than a football club.

Anyway (given that this report is now beginning to sound like I had LSD for breakfast), I suppose I should highlight the Montrose positives. As stated last week, Terry Masson has developed well as a midfielder over the past few months, and his goal today was a peach. He picked up the ball on the edge of the box and curled a sublime left foot shot across goal and inside the far post. Masson 1, Doubters 0.

Martin Boyle also grabbed a goal, and had a lively game up front. He hit the outside of the post early on, had a shot into the side netting and a further goal disallowed for a dubious offside decision.

Scott Johnston was lively again, but needs to cut out the back-chat to officials. He was right to feel aggrieved for a vicious assault in the first half, but abusing a linesman is never going to get a decision overturned.

The officials had an atrocious game today - Elgin's second goal should have been flagged offside and their third came as a result of a free kick that shouldn't have been (but that the Montrose backline should then have dealt with).

Lastly - where the hell did Elgin find Paul Millar? The man is enormous - he dwarfed Smart and Campbell by more than half a foot. Based on various sources he is:

A) The tallest striker in British football (Papa B)
B) The tallest outfield player in the world (Mad old bastard in the stand)
C) The tallest man in the world (Mad young roving reporter in the stand)

He still didn't score though...

Man of the Match: It could have been Boyle. It could have been Lloyd Young. It could never have been any of the back five. But yesterday my Man of the Match was Terry "The Destroyer" Masson for a typically combative performance in the middle of the park and as sweet a goal as we've seen this season.

Season 2011/2012: Match 16: Montrose 1 Peterhead 3 (Irn-Bru Division Three)

The sun was deceptively shiny today, and I foolishly ventured to the Basin-side Bernabeu without wearing Antarctic survival gear.

Montrose's players were obviously feeling the chill, setting about their opponents at a frantic pace in an effort to keep warm.

We all know that Peterhead are the division's big spenders, deeming Rory McAllister worthy of £800 a week to not score goals against the assorted tradesmen, no-tradesmen, pig farmers and hammer throwers who lurk amongst the Division 3 defences.

But they were only a point ahead of Montrose going into today's match, and have spent most of the season in the bottom two.

Montrose should have been three or four ahead at the break, Peterhead goalkeeper Paul Jarvie having the game of his life to keep the home attackers at bay. Jamie Winter, who deems anything outside his own box as worth a shot, clattered the crossbar from wide on the left in the first half as well.

Despite having the the North Pole wind at their backs in the first half, playing the better football and creating more chances, Montrose were 1-0 down at the break, Graham Webster firing into the bottom corner after his first shot was blocked.

There's a fine line between pessimism and realism when it comes to Montrose, and I predicted at half time that, shooting into the wind, Montrose would end the match on the receiving end of a 4-0 hiding.

It looked as though my prediction was coming true within 10 minutes of the restart, David Ross poking across the line at the post and Bavidge lobbing home goalkeeper Michael Andrews two minutes later.

Midway through the second half, I asked my fellow members of the Links Park press corps when Martin Boyle had last scored. He had the ball in the net 30 seconds later, controlling a Winter pass, knocking the ball around Jarvie and shooting into the empty net.

The goal set up the possibility of an exciting end to the match, and while Montrose did manage to press Peterhead back into their own half, they couldn't add to their tally.

A disappointing result, but a decent performance that deserved at least a point. But for a catastrophic two-minute spell in the second half, Montrose might have got that point.

Man of the Match: There were no stand-out performances from Montrose. The defence let itself down with that disastrous two minutes in the second half, but Dougie Cameron in particular looked otherwise decent (I think Maz must have spiked the tablet she gave me before kick-off).

Martin Boyle's finish was well-executed, but he passed up another two or three chances. Scott Johnston had a busy but fruitless afternoon, but let himself down with some daft challenges and petulant outbursts. For me it's between the central midfield pair for Montrose's man of the match (Paul Jarvie had the best match of anyone on the park).

Terry Masson was typically combative, setting the tempo for Montrose early on and pushing forward to support Boyle and Johnston.

But Jamie Winter impressed me more, setting up Boyle's goal with a cracking pass and coming close himself on a couple of occasions.

Season 2011/2012: Match 15: Montrose 1 Annan Athletic 1 (Irn-Bru Division Three)

Montrose's match yesterday was one of the most northerly to survive the big freeze, beaten only by Caley Whistle losing to Sellick in Inverness and Aberdeen continuing their search for a Lifetime Achievement Award for Services to Comedy with a draw against Queen of the South.

Prior to kick-off, I'd have been happy to hear that the match was off due to the weather, but once I was safely seated in the Angus Arena, I found the match quite enjoyable.

Montrose continued their efforts to win matches by passing neatly and letting Jamie Winter shoot every time he's within 40 yards of goal.

He had a number of chances, and seemd to get closer and closer to a goal every time the ball left his right boot.

Sure enough, when it came, his goal was practically the last kick of the first half, rocketing past Alex Mitchell and into the net.

And the home side looked comfortable enough in the second half. Nothing spectacular, but Annan offered little in the way of genuine threat.

Step forward Dougie "Kneeheid" Cameron. Fancying himself as a balder, whiter, slower, less gifted Roberto Carlos, Kneeheid had taken it upon himself to act as a marauding (if one can call Dougie's ponderous gait "marauding") wingback.

Unfortunately, this meant that Dougie was caught out of position in the 77th minute, allowing nippy little bugger David Cox to go tearing past him and into the six yard box.

There was a tangle of legs, Cox inevitably went down, and referee Paul Robertson pointed to the spot.

Kneeheid saw a straight red card and Aaron Muirhead stepped up to slam home the equaliser with the penalty.

Montrose were the better side, and they could have scored a few if Mitchell had had a poorer game. He kept almost everything at bay today, particularly Winter's long range efforts.

Still nearer the bottom of the table than the top, but Montrose are a better side than their league position suggests. The more settled the team becomes, the more I would expect that to become evident.

Man of the Match: Scott Johnston again impressed with a jinky performance wide left, creating Winter's goal with a neat square ball. Cameron actually looked decent until he ran out of puff and saw red late on. But it was Winter who was the stand out. But for Mitchell's acrobatics, he'd have scored a barrowload.

Season 2011/2012: Match 14: Montrose 4 Clyde 0 (Irn-Bru Division Three)

Last week, Montrose played well against one of the division's better sides and came away with nothing.

Today they again had a fantastic match against lowly Clyde and recorded another impressive win over the Cumbernauld side.

Garry Wood has returned to Links Park after time away at Ross County and even in the Premier League with Caley Thistle. He was included on the bench today, Ray Farningham sticking with the team that did well the previous week.

The first half was a scrappy affair, Montrose playing well generally until the final third, where Clyde were defending in numbers. There was little of note to comment on, aside from Sandy Wood tearing Sean Crighton a new one for conceding a corner when it would have been as easy to pass the ball back to his goalkeeper.

But the second half was entirely different, Montrose racking up two goals in the opening nine minutes.

Both were created by Martin Boyle, the young striker in rampant form after the break. His raw pace left his marker for dead in the 52nd minute, and allowed him to keep the ball in and send a square ball across the box. David McGowan's shot took a deflection on its way past the goalkeeper.

Clyde were rattled, and Montrose took advantage with a near carbon copy of their opener just two minutes later. Boyle again burst down the right, and this time it was Scott Johnston who was on hand to send a low shot into the net.

Boyle himself had the ball in the net shortly after the hour mark, but his goal was disallowed for offside when he headed home at the back post from Dougie Cameron's cross.

Jamie Winter had gradually been finding his range as the match wore on, sending several long-range shots wide of goal. He had a 30-yard free kick tipped onto the post and out for a corner, but finally got the goal his performance merited with a sublime drive 15 minutes from time.

Stephen McNally completed the destruction a minute into stoppage time, his shot from the edge of the box deflected into the net.

Montrose were magnificent in the second half, controlling the tempo and severely restricting Clyde's opportunities.

The players seem comfortable with each other, and there seems to be an awareness of who is capable of what, who should be where and who should be doing what at all times.

I just wish we could play Clyde every week - they seem to have a torrid time every time they come to Links Park, not least last season's 8-1 destruction.

But whoever Montrose are playing now, they have the quality to cause them problems. If they can maintain their concentration and composure at all times, they deserve to be higher up the table.

Man of the Match: Another solid team performance in which no-one failed to perform. Terry Masson and Jamie Winter again dominated in midfield, and David McGowan and Scott Johnston provided much needed support to Martin Boyle. But it was Boyle who was the key man today, creating Montrose's quick-fire opening double and deserving of a goal himself that sadly never came. I fear his time at Montrose may not last much longer...

Season 2011/2012: Match 13: Montrose 1 Stranraer 3 (Irn-Bru Division Three)

Today I suffered from what I believe today's youth refer to as an "epic fail", arriving at Links Park eight minutes after kick-off, therefore missing Montrose's second-minute goal.

That did mean that I saw all three Stranraer strikes, an abject refereeing performance from Barry Cook and Montrose squander a host of chances.

I also burst the zip on my jacket beyond repair and almost dissolved my tongue with a cup of the heated industrial lubricant marketed in Scotland under the brand name Bovril.

And weirdly, this wasn't the worst day I've ever had at the football. Montrose played well, and but for the afore-mentioned poor finishing and third world refereeing, they could have won by a comfortable margin.

There were no complaints with the Stranraer goals, aside from lax defending for the first. Two of them went in courtesy of deflections, but Sandy Wood otherwise had a good game in goal.

It's not often we say this, but Martin Boyle was the main culprit in Montrose's failure to win, missing three gilt-edged chances. The young striker deserves praise for being in goalscoring positions in the first place, but when faced with open goals on two occasions, he hit the post with one effort and slammed the ball into the side netting with the second. He also had a half volley brilliantly saved by Ryan Marshall and slammed a volley wide of the post near the end of the match.

Referee C(r)ook must be from Ayrshire, as every decision went in favour of the visitors. A Scott Johnston goal was disallowed for an imaginary foul in the build-up, he ignored Stranraer's constant fouling and failed to send Grant Gallagher off for a brutal elbow-led assault on Terry Masson's face.

So I now haven't seen a Montrose win since October 22. And yet I still feel more positive about the way things are going than I did a year ago. The team generally look more comfortable on the park than in recent seasons, and but for a bit of bad luck would have won today.

Man of the Match: Martin Boyle was a constant threat to the Stranraer defence today, but passed up far too many chances. Scott Johnston didn't get enough time on the ball to make a difference, and the defence was a bit too haphazard to be considered as potential men of the match (and Dougie Cameron appeared to be sporting stubble that suggested "homeless man living under a bridge" more than "Bruce Willis at his Die Hard peak"). For me, the key performer was Terry Masson, solid and reliable in midfield, snapping into challenges, pushing for goals and ripping Jonathan "Beckenbauer" Smart a new one for dicking about at the back instead of doing what he's paid to and getting rid of the ball.