Though some of you strange people out there are regular readers of this site, others stumble across it by accident, courtesy of Google.
In the past 24 hours, two such people have arrived at this far-flung corner of the blogosphere via a Google search, and their search terms were quite different.
Firstly, someone from the University of Massachusetts happened upon my site whilst using the search term 'gordon's vodka no hangover'. I'm guessing this person was a student rather than a lecturer, but you never know. Whoever he or she was, they certainly wouldn't have found the answer here.
Secondly, a passer-by from the Danish Network for Research and Education turned up whilst searching for 'tourettes syndrome mute people'.
As regular readers will know, I do have a bit more knowledge on this subject. For more information, visit this previous post.
Sunday, October 15, 2006
Saturday, October 14, 2006
Tomorrow is another day
The day started with such promise as well....
It is 6pm as I write this.
Today I waited an hour for a nurse to dress the bleeding wound which was once my left toenail.
Today Rangers lost at home to Inverness Caledonian Thistle.
Today Celtic came from behind to beat Dundee United 4-1.
Today Manchester United came from behind to beat Wigan.
Right now Mrs Wife is watching The X Factor.
Woe is me.....
It is 6pm as I write this.
Today I waited an hour for a nurse to dress the bleeding wound which was once my left toenail.
Today Rangers lost at home to Inverness Caledonian Thistle.
Today Celtic came from behind to beat Dundee United 4-1.
Today Manchester United came from behind to beat Wigan.
Right now Mrs Wife is watching The X Factor.
Woe is me.....
Friday, October 13, 2006
Caught by the fuzz
Two news stories on the BBC's football website got me thinking this morning.
Firstly, the story of Anton Ferdinand's arrest. The West Ham and England U21 defender was arrested for an alleged assault outside an Essex nightclub.
Secondly, the news that Wales captain Craig Bellamy's assault trial has been postponed.
Why can't footballers behave themselves?
The answer is, I would imagine, pretty simple. Footballers at the level of Bellamy and Ferdinand are, generally, young men of limited intelligence who earn more money in a week than most people earn in a year, two years and in some cases three or four years.
Their jobs give them loads of time off, with a maximum of two matches a week during most of the season, coupled with afternoons off for most clubs.
And so, these super-rich young men have to find ways of occupying themselves, and too often this involves alcohol.
I'm not for a minute suggesting that footballers shouldn't be allowed to go out for a drink. Nor am I naive enough to suggest that drunken nights out are by definition wrong. Some of the best nights out I've ever had have been extremely drunken.
But I would suggest that if you are a famous international footballer, a city-centre nightclub may not be the best place to spend your evenings.
Given the fact that Bellamy especially has a notoriously short fuse, it shouldn't come as a shock that fans of opposing teams, when spotting his ugly mug out and about, give him a bit of abuse.
It's part and parcel of the job - if you're a Premiership footballer, you're in the limelight just like any other celebrity.
What these footballers need to learn is to walk away from trouble. Or alternatively, drink in places where they won't get into scrapes.
The problem seems to be a fairly recent one. There have always been notorious footballers famed for enjoying a pint or twelve, but the obscene amount of money flowing into footballers' wallets in the past ten years has exacerbated the problem.
Bellamy and Ferdinand are just two of the more recent examples. They are joined on the list of bad boys by Derek Riordan, John Terry, Paul Gascoigne, Tony Adams, Paul Merson and Anton's older brother Rio, to name just a few.
Is there any solution to the problem? Not so long as footballers continue to earn disgusting figures for playing the beautiful game.
Firstly, the story of Anton Ferdinand's arrest. The West Ham and England U21 defender was arrested for an alleged assault outside an Essex nightclub.
Secondly, the news that Wales captain Craig Bellamy's assault trial has been postponed.
Why can't footballers behave themselves?
The answer is, I would imagine, pretty simple. Footballers at the level of Bellamy and Ferdinand are, generally, young men of limited intelligence who earn more money in a week than most people earn in a year, two years and in some cases three or four years.
Their jobs give them loads of time off, with a maximum of two matches a week during most of the season, coupled with afternoons off for most clubs.
And so, these super-rich young men have to find ways of occupying themselves, and too often this involves alcohol.
I'm not for a minute suggesting that footballers shouldn't be allowed to go out for a drink. Nor am I naive enough to suggest that drunken nights out are by definition wrong. Some of the best nights out I've ever had have been extremely drunken.
But I would suggest that if you are a famous international footballer, a city-centre nightclub may not be the best place to spend your evenings.
Given the fact that Bellamy especially has a notoriously short fuse, it shouldn't come as a shock that fans of opposing teams, when spotting his ugly mug out and about, give him a bit of abuse.
It's part and parcel of the job - if you're a Premiership footballer, you're in the limelight just like any other celebrity.
What these footballers need to learn is to walk away from trouble. Or alternatively, drink in places where they won't get into scrapes.
The problem seems to be a fairly recent one. There have always been notorious footballers famed for enjoying a pint or twelve, but the obscene amount of money flowing into footballers' wallets in the past ten years has exacerbated the problem.
Bellamy and Ferdinand are just two of the more recent examples. They are joined on the list of bad boys by Derek Riordan, John Terry, Paul Gascoigne, Tony Adams, Paul Merson and Anton's older brother Rio, to name just a few.
Is there any solution to the problem? Not so long as footballers continue to earn disgusting figures for playing the beautiful game.
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Playing for laughs
British comedy isn't dead!
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Gary and Paul, the hottest double act since Reeves and Mortimer.
It's made all the funnier by the fact that Sacha Baron Cohen, AKA Borat, is watching from the advertising hoardings.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Gary and Paul, the hottest double act since Reeves and Mortimer.
It's made all the funnier by the fact that Sacha Baron Cohen, AKA Borat, is watching from the advertising hoardings.
Heads held high
With my bandaged toe safely suspended above the floor and the threat of being stood on by Mrs Wife, I settled down last night to watch Scotland aim for a fourth consecutive win in Group B of the European Championship qualifiers.
Expectations may have been high after our historic (albeit fortunate) victory over France, but we shouldn't allow defeat in Kiev to take the wind out of our sails.
Scotland's performance last night was of the battling quality we have come to expect. McFadden and Fletcher were walking disciplinary tightropes from early on, which may have subdued them. Pressley's sending off was the wrong decision, as was the award of the penalty which decided the tie.
But, now that the dust has cleared, we are still top of our group, a much stronger position than we could ever have hoped for in the 'group of death'.
Admittedly, there are a lot of tough matches still to come, not least France in Paris, Italy at home and away and a return fixture with Ukraine at Hampden.
What Walter Smith must ensure is that we take maximum points against the other teams in the group - Georgia, Lithuania and the Faroe Islands.
Only then can we truly be in the running for a summer jaunt to Switzerland and Austria in 2008.
Expectations may have been high after our historic (albeit fortunate) victory over France, but we shouldn't allow defeat in Kiev to take the wind out of our sails.
Scotland's performance last night was of the battling quality we have come to expect. McFadden and Fletcher were walking disciplinary tightropes from early on, which may have subdued them. Pressley's sending off was the wrong decision, as was the award of the penalty which decided the tie.
But, now that the dust has cleared, we are still top of our group, a much stronger position than we could ever have hoped for in the 'group of death'.
Admittedly, there are a lot of tough matches still to come, not least France in Paris, Italy at home and away and a return fixture with Ukraine at Hampden.
What Walter Smith must ensure is that we take maximum points against the other teams in the group - Georgia, Lithuania and the Faroe Islands.
Only then can we truly be in the running for a summer jaunt to Switzerland and Austria in 2008.
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
I will survive
Well, I survived the surgery.
Admittedly, there was little danger of me dying on the operating table, given that I had a local anaesthetic before my toenail was cut.
But it's good to have come out the other side.
Except that my toe now hurts like hell and I can't put my left shoe on.
So I am hopping around with a blue shoe normally given to people wearing plaster casts.
And I'm eating ibuprofen like M&Ms.
The reason for this unexpected level of pain is that the doctor, in his infinite wisdom, decided to remove the whole nail rather than just cut away a small section as originally planned.
Watched by a student doctor (and not by me) he attacked the offending nail with what looked like a huge pair of pliers.
As my toe was numb, I couldn't feel any pain, but was aware of the sensation of the metal crunching through to the skin.
Actually, the worst part was having the anaesthetic injections - the initial sting as the needles went in, followed by the strange sensation of feeling the fluid flow through the nerves, switching them off as it passed.
What I hadn't expected was the amount of blood which pumped from the freshly-denailed toe.
The required bandage looks like one from a cartoon, as if Jerry has just smacked Tom's toe with a hammer.
And how much sympathy have I had?
None. Not a bit. Mrs Wife was staying in Campbeltown last night for work, so I had to hop around the house and fend for myself.
Number of times I smacked said toe against doors and pieces of furniture: 3
Number of expletives uttered after said toe smackings: More than 3
One final piece of information. As I attempted to put my sock on (to no avail), I asked the doctor when I would be able to play football again.
His magnificent answer?
'When it doesn't hurt anymore'
Genius.
Admittedly, there was little danger of me dying on the operating table, given that I had a local anaesthetic before my toenail was cut.
But it's good to have come out the other side.
Except that my toe now hurts like hell and I can't put my left shoe on.
So I am hopping around with a blue shoe normally given to people wearing plaster casts.
And I'm eating ibuprofen like M&Ms.
The reason for this unexpected level of pain is that the doctor, in his infinite wisdom, decided to remove the whole nail rather than just cut away a small section as originally planned.
Watched by a student doctor (and not by me) he attacked the offending nail with what looked like a huge pair of pliers.
As my toe was numb, I couldn't feel any pain, but was aware of the sensation of the metal crunching through to the skin.
Actually, the worst part was having the anaesthetic injections - the initial sting as the needles went in, followed by the strange sensation of feeling the fluid flow through the nerves, switching them off as it passed.
What I hadn't expected was the amount of blood which pumped from the freshly-denailed toe.
The required bandage looks like one from a cartoon, as if Jerry has just smacked Tom's toe with a hammer.
And how much sympathy have I had?
None. Not a bit. Mrs Wife was staying in Campbeltown last night for work, so I had to hop around the house and fend for myself.
Number of times I smacked said toe against doors and pieces of furniture: 3
Number of expletives uttered after said toe smackings: More than 3
One final piece of information. As I attempted to put my sock on (to no avail), I asked the doctor when I would be able to play football again.
His magnificent answer?
'When it doesn't hurt anymore'
Genius.
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Pray for Groanin' Jock
Spare a thought for Groanin' Jock at 3pm - that's when I go under the knife for the first time in my life.
If there are no more posts to this website, you'll know why.
If there are no more posts to this website, you'll know why.
Monday, October 09, 2006
Unofficial World Champions
Imagine if football's world champions were determined not by a World Cup every four years, but in the same way as in boxing - if you beat the world champions, you take over the title yourself.
Well, at the Unofficial Football World Championships, a dedicated group has managed to provide a full history of who the REAL best team in the world is.
Venezuela are world champions at the moment, having beaten Uruguay on September 27. Their first defence will take place in a rematch on October 18.
Oh, and by the by, Scotland are top of the all-time rankings, ahead of second-placed England and third-placed Argentina. Brazil are way off the pace in sixth place.
Well, at the Unofficial Football World Championships, a dedicated group has managed to provide a full history of who the REAL best team in the world is.
Venezuela are world champions at the moment, having beaten Uruguay on September 27. Their first defence will take place in a rematch on October 18.
Oh, and by the by, Scotland are top of the all-time rankings, ahead of second-placed England and third-placed Argentina. Brazil are way off the pace in sixth place.
Are you experienced?
There's a new miner (or should that be minor?) at the coalface today - we have an unfortunate 16-year-old girl in the office for work experience.
I can barely believe that it is 10 years since I carried out my own work experience placement, where I was mentored by Eric of Straight White Guy.
To say this was a sudden introduction to the working world is a dramatic understatement. At 16, I was incredibly naive, probably quite shy and spectacularly unready for the adult world.
For that week, I was Eric's gopher as we journied around Angus providing IT support to those in need. Between jobs, I was given a crash course in Stevie Ray Vaughan in Eric's ancient BMW and bore witness to his massive ability to demolish McDonald's food, which he didn't so much eat as inhale.
I had seen nothing like it during my short time on the planet.
And so, this afternoon I will continue the tradition by subjecting the poor girl to some SRV in the company van as we head out to a job. She has already seen me eat, and I don't imagine she will have enjoyed that experience one little bit.
It'll probably be enough to put her off working for at least 10 years.
I can barely believe that it is 10 years since I carried out my own work experience placement, where I was mentored by Eric of Straight White Guy.
To say this was a sudden introduction to the working world is a dramatic understatement. At 16, I was incredibly naive, probably quite shy and spectacularly unready for the adult world.
For that week, I was Eric's gopher as we journied around Angus providing IT support to those in need. Between jobs, I was given a crash course in Stevie Ray Vaughan in Eric's ancient BMW and bore witness to his massive ability to demolish McDonald's food, which he didn't so much eat as inhale.
I had seen nothing like it during my short time on the planet.
And so, this afternoon I will continue the tradition by subjecting the poor girl to some SRV in the company van as we head out to a job. She has already seen me eat, and I don't imagine she will have enjoyed that experience one little bit.
It'll probably be enough to put her off working for at least 10 years.
Sunday, October 08, 2006
My head hurts
The combination of last night's wedding and Scotland beating France 1-0 gave me an excuse last night to over-indulge on alcoholic refreshments.
Regular readers (both of you) will remember that I don't get hangovers. However, today I am feeling a little tender.
Free white wine during the meal, combined with strong French lager (oh, how ironic that I should celebrate one of French football's most embarrasing defeats with Kronenbourg) and vodka, has left my head pounding.
But it was worth it.
We beat probably the best international football side in the world.
We are top of a group containing the world champions, the World Cup runners-up and quarter finalists from the same tournament.
It's great to be Scottish today, even with a sore head.
Regular readers (both of you) will remember that I don't get hangovers. However, today I am feeling a little tender.
Free white wine during the meal, combined with strong French lager (oh, how ironic that I should celebrate one of French football's most embarrasing defeats with Kronenbourg) and vodka, has left my head pounding.
But it was worth it.
We beat probably the best international football side in the world.
We are top of a group containing the world champions, the World Cup runners-up and quarter finalists from the same tournament.
It's great to be Scottish today, even with a sore head.
Saturday, October 07, 2006
Friday, October 06, 2006
Fantastic plastic
Catching up with the latest football news on the worldwide interweb this morning, I was startled to read the headline ' Hamilton thank Uefa for cup final'.
Surely not - UEFA is to host the Champions League or UEFA Cup final at New Douglas Park?
Perhaps unsurprisingly, this is not the case. UEFA has in fact agreed that the artificial pitch in Moscow's Luzhniki Stadium will be the surface which the 2008 Champions League finalists will grace.
Apparently, Hamilton Accies were the first club in Europe to use such a surface, and have thanked UEFA for having faith in the plastic.
Call me old-fashioned, but to my mind, football should be played on grass. Mud and grass stains are as much a part of football as dodgy refereeing decisions, cynical challenges and botulism pies.
I've played on a few artificial surfaces over the years, and have never yet found one that felt like grass, or which didn't give rise to burns and skinned knees.
In fact, the worst injury I have ever had in almost 20 years of playing football was sustained on an artificial pitch. I performed a sliding tackle and stood up to find that I had no left leg....left.
I couldn't walk properly for weeks, although picking off the scabs was good fun.
I'm reminded of a line from Only Fools and Horses - Del is on the pull, pretending that Rodney is a professional tennis player. Rodney, not paying attention, is asked whether he prefers grass or astroturf.
To which the immortal reply is:
'I don't know, I've never smoked astroturf'
Surely not - UEFA is to host the Champions League or UEFA Cup final at New Douglas Park?
Perhaps unsurprisingly, this is not the case. UEFA has in fact agreed that the artificial pitch in Moscow's Luzhniki Stadium will be the surface which the 2008 Champions League finalists will grace.
Apparently, Hamilton Accies were the first club in Europe to use such a surface, and have thanked UEFA for having faith in the plastic.
Call me old-fashioned, but to my mind, football should be played on grass. Mud and grass stains are as much a part of football as dodgy refereeing decisions, cynical challenges and botulism pies.
I've played on a few artificial surfaces over the years, and have never yet found one that felt like grass, or which didn't give rise to burns and skinned knees.
In fact, the worst injury I have ever had in almost 20 years of playing football was sustained on an artificial pitch. I performed a sliding tackle and stood up to find that I had no left leg....left.
I couldn't walk properly for weeks, although picking off the scabs was good fun.
I'm reminded of a line from Only Fools and Horses - Del is on the pull, pretending that Rodney is a professional tennis player. Rodney, not paying attention, is asked whether he prefers grass or astroturf.
To which the immortal reply is:
'I don't know, I've never smoked astroturf'
Thursday, October 05, 2006
Return to the dark ages
No sooner have Rangers fans stopped singing songs glorifying secterian battles from the 1690s, than Airdrie United fans think it would be a good idea to dress up as Ku Klux Klan members.
Surely, in 2006, we have gone past the stage where racial abuse is acceptable in Scotland?
Black players have graced Scottish football for years, so why the 'fans' decided to adopt this new dress code in recent weeks is beyond comprehension.
Airdrie themselves, in their previous incarnation as Airdrieonians, included both Justin Fashanu and Gus Caesar in their sides during the 1990s.
But 15 years on, the club's supporters think their behaviour at Gretna is acceptable.
With the Old Firm clubs making serious inroads into ending religious bigotry at football matches, what this latest incident proves is that there is still a lot of work to be done to eradicate racism from our terraces.
Hopefully this incident was a one-off, and those responsible will be banned from Scotland's grounds.
Surely, in 2006, we have gone past the stage where racial abuse is acceptable in Scotland?
Black players have graced Scottish football for years, so why the 'fans' decided to adopt this new dress code in recent weeks is beyond comprehension.
Airdrie themselves, in their previous incarnation as Airdrieonians, included both Justin Fashanu and Gus Caesar in their sides during the 1990s.
But 15 years on, the club's supporters think their behaviour at Gretna is acceptable.
With the Old Firm clubs making serious inroads into ending religious bigotry at football matches, what this latest incident proves is that there is still a lot of work to be done to eradicate racism from our terraces.
Hopefully this incident was a one-off, and those responsible will be banned from Scotland's grounds.
Mute Tourette's Syndrome
I'm going to be taking part in a charity bike ride from Oban to Fort William on the 25th November to raise funds for Mute Tourette's Syndrome. A friend of mine has a six-year-old son who suffers from this and we are raising funds to pay for a year's therapy.
Mute Tourette's Syndrome has long been in the shadow of its more 'famous' sister disease, 'Tourette's Syndrome', and although much rarer, is even more tragic in its consequences.
While a child suffering from Tourette's has difficulty in containing its anger and frustration, a child with Mute Tourette's suffers a worse fate, and is unable to express their true feelings. The Mute Tourette's Foundation is using radical new art therapy techniques to help combat the frustration and loneliness of Mute Tourette's.
However, their work can only continue with your help. Just a pound will keep a child supplied with crayons and paper for a whole day. Eight pounds will provide them with enough art supplies for a week. I would be extremely grateful to anyone who feels able to help such a deserving cause. This picture demonstrates how the donations received so far have been put to good use. Many Thanks in advance to anyone who can help by sponsoring me.
Mute Tourette's Syndrome has long been in the shadow of its more 'famous' sister disease, 'Tourette's Syndrome', and although much rarer, is even more tragic in its consequences.
While a child suffering from Tourette's has difficulty in containing its anger and frustration, a child with Mute Tourette's suffers a worse fate, and is unable to express their true feelings. The Mute Tourette's Foundation is using radical new art therapy techniques to help combat the frustration and loneliness of Mute Tourette's.
However, their work can only continue with your help. Just a pound will keep a child supplied with crayons and paper for a whole day. Eight pounds will provide them with enough art supplies for a week. I would be extremely grateful to anyone who feels able to help such a deserving cause. This picture demonstrates how the donations received so far have been put to good use. Many Thanks in advance to anyone who can help by sponsoring me.
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Driveblind
What use is having your own website if you can't shamelessly plug the work of your friends?
With this thought in mind, I would urge each and every one of you to scoot on over to Amazon, where you can order the debut album from Aberdeen's finest musical exports, Driveblind.
Anyone with a passing interest in The Who, The Band, Coldplay, Crowded House or other melodic guitar-based bands won't be disappointed by the record, which is released in the USA on October 24.
Although there's no UK release date yet, the album can also be ordered through Amazon's UK site.
For more information and a sneak preview of the band's music, visit their website or their MySpace site. There are also loads of videos of them in action on Youtube.
With this thought in mind, I would urge each and every one of you to scoot on over to Amazon, where you can order the debut album from Aberdeen's finest musical exports, Driveblind.
Anyone with a passing interest in The Who, The Band, Coldplay, Crowded House or other melodic guitar-based bands won't be disappointed by the record, which is released in the USA on October 24.
Although there's no UK release date yet, the album can also be ordered through Amazon's UK site.
For more information and a sneak preview of the band's music, visit their website or their MySpace site. There are also loads of videos of them in action on Youtube.
Welcome to my world
As I can't think of anything to write about today, I will instead complete the following quiz, as found on Or so I thought whilst blindly stumbling around the worldwide interweb last night (or early this morning).
1)You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up? I'd wait until the next Blair-Bush meeting, take out Bush and hope that Blair exploded through standing too close (like up Bush's ass).
2) You can flip a switch that will wipe any band or musical artist out of existence. Which one will it be? Tempted though I am to say The Strokes, I should really strike a blow for everyone by deleting Gareth Gates. He can't sing, he can't speak, he looks ridiculous - no great loss to the world's airwaves.
3) Who would you really like to just punch in the face? I'm a lover, not a fighter, but for the purposes of the poll, let's say Tony Blair (provided he hasn't already been blown up after question one). It's his government's fault that I owe the student loans company almost a year's salary.
4) What is your favorite cheese? Scottish cheddar
5) You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your immediate disposal. What kind will you make? Chicken and sweetcorn on a freshly-baked white Scottish roll.
6) You have the opportunity to sleep with the movie celebrity of your choice. We are talking no-strings-attached sex and it can only happen once. Who is the lucky celebrity of your choice? That's a toughy, but after careful consideration, I'll have to go with Jennifer Aniston.
7) You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who do you pick? No contest. Jessica Simpson.
8) Now that you've slept with two different people in a row, you seem to be having an excellent day because you just came across a hundred-dollar bill on the sidewalk. Holy shit, a hundred bucks! How are you gonna spend it? That's not a lot of money, but I'd probably blow the lot on CDs and DVDs
9) You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go? Tokyo - one of the places in the world I've always wanted to visit but haven't reached yet.
10) Upon arrival to the aforementioned location, you get off the plane and discover another hundred-dollar bill. Shit! Now that you are in the new location, what are you gonna do? Spend it on a fancy electronic item of some description which would inevitably make my life seem more fulfilling.
11) An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. It is...? Cointreau. I love it, but it is pretty pricy.
12) Rufus appears out of nowhere with a time-traveling phone booth. You can go anytime in the PAST. What time are you traveling to and what are you going to do when you get there? To London or San Francisco during flower power to hang out with all the beautiful people.
13) You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place? I am always right. Even when I am wrong.
14) You have been given the opportunity to create the half-hour TV show of your own design. What is it called and what's the premise? I'd be quite happy to host my own music chat show like Jools Holland or that crap one that Jo Wiley did in the late 1990s. I'd have to think of a snappy title - how about Jukebox Jock - no, that sucks.
15) What is your favorite curse word? No other word in the English language has the versatility of the F-word. Whether as a verb, adjective or noun, it is perfect for any occasion.
16) You awaken and find your bed surrounded by Mummies. They don't do anything, but just stand there. How do you react to their presence? I should imagine I would freak out at being surrounded by Egyptians who have been dead for thousands of years. How did they get into my house?
17) Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don't worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what's the item? Being practical, it would have to be my wallet. Being impractical, my MP3 player, as there are loads of rare tracks on it I probably wouldn't be able to find again.
18) The Angel of Death has descended upon you. Fortunately, the Angel of Death is pretty cool and in a good mood, and it offers you a half-hour to do whatever you want before you bite it. Whatcha gonna do in that half-hour? I'd spend the time with Mrs Wife, making Buckasaurus (the mythical beast with two backs).
19) You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what's even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What's it gonna be? It would have to be invisibility. If you're invisible, you can do ANYTHING. Steal with impunity, find out what people are doing and what they're saying about you and just generally have a swell time.
20) You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again? The last half hour of my wedding dance, when everyone was drunk, hyperactive and dancing, and the night concluded with the piper playing a never-ending reel.
21) You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be? (the answer "nothing" doesn't count) The death of my grandfather.
22) You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit... you can move to anywhere else in the world! Bitchin'! What country are you going to live in now? Probably back to Australia, as I enjoyed living there despite being penniless. It'd be even better as a rich, invisible time traveller
23) This question still counts, even for those of you who are under age. Check it out. You have been eternally banned from every single bar in the world except for ONE. Which one is it gonna be? The Elephant and Wheelbarrow in Northbridge, Perth, Western Australia.
24) Hopefully you didn't mention this in the super-powers question.... If you did, then we'll just expand on that. Check it out... Suddenly, you have gained the ability to FLOAT!!! Whose house are you going to float to first, and be like "Dude, check it out... I can FLOAT!"? My former flatmate John McInally - he'd be very impressed and very jealous.
25) The constant absorption of magical moonbeams mixed with the radioactive vegetables you consumed earlier has given you the ability to resurrect the dead famous-person of your choice. So which celebrity will you bring back to life? I would say John Lennon, but he was getting kinda dull towards the end of his life. Let's go with Jimi Hendrix, I'm sure he had plenty lost worlds still to explore when he died.
26) The Celestial Gates of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn't think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person, etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back? Both of my grandfathers.
27) What's your theme song? I don't know if I have one. My favourite song is Strawberry Fields Forever, but T Rex's 20th Century Boy seems more apt.
1)You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up? I'd wait until the next Blair-Bush meeting, take out Bush and hope that Blair exploded through standing too close (like up Bush's ass).
2) You can flip a switch that will wipe any band or musical artist out of existence. Which one will it be? Tempted though I am to say The Strokes, I should really strike a blow for everyone by deleting Gareth Gates. He can't sing, he can't speak, he looks ridiculous - no great loss to the world's airwaves.
3) Who would you really like to just punch in the face? I'm a lover, not a fighter, but for the purposes of the poll, let's say Tony Blair (provided he hasn't already been blown up after question one). It's his government's fault that I owe the student loans company almost a year's salary.
4) What is your favorite cheese? Scottish cheddar
5) You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your immediate disposal. What kind will you make? Chicken and sweetcorn on a freshly-baked white Scottish roll.
6) You have the opportunity to sleep with the movie celebrity of your choice. We are talking no-strings-attached sex and it can only happen once. Who is the lucky celebrity of your choice? That's a toughy, but after careful consideration, I'll have to go with Jennifer Aniston.
7) You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who do you pick? No contest. Jessica Simpson.
8) Now that you've slept with two different people in a row, you seem to be having an excellent day because you just came across a hundred-dollar bill on the sidewalk. Holy shit, a hundred bucks! How are you gonna spend it? That's not a lot of money, but I'd probably blow the lot on CDs and DVDs
9) You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go? Tokyo - one of the places in the world I've always wanted to visit but haven't reached yet.
10) Upon arrival to the aforementioned location, you get off the plane and discover another hundred-dollar bill. Shit! Now that you are in the new location, what are you gonna do? Spend it on a fancy electronic item of some description which would inevitably make my life seem more fulfilling.
11) An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. It is...? Cointreau. I love it, but it is pretty pricy.
12) Rufus appears out of nowhere with a time-traveling phone booth. You can go anytime in the PAST. What time are you traveling to and what are you going to do when you get there? To London or San Francisco during flower power to hang out with all the beautiful people.
13) You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place? I am always right. Even when I am wrong.
14) You have been given the opportunity to create the half-hour TV show of your own design. What is it called and what's the premise? I'd be quite happy to host my own music chat show like Jools Holland or that crap one that Jo Wiley did in the late 1990s. I'd have to think of a snappy title - how about Jukebox Jock - no, that sucks.
15) What is your favorite curse word? No other word in the English language has the versatility of the F-word. Whether as a verb, adjective or noun, it is perfect for any occasion.
16) You awaken and find your bed surrounded by Mummies. They don't do anything, but just stand there. How do you react to their presence? I should imagine I would freak out at being surrounded by Egyptians who have been dead for thousands of years. How did they get into my house?
17) Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don't worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what's the item? Being practical, it would have to be my wallet. Being impractical, my MP3 player, as there are loads of rare tracks on it I probably wouldn't be able to find again.
18) The Angel of Death has descended upon you. Fortunately, the Angel of Death is pretty cool and in a good mood, and it offers you a half-hour to do whatever you want before you bite it. Whatcha gonna do in that half-hour? I'd spend the time with Mrs Wife, making Buckasaurus (the mythical beast with two backs).
19) You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what's even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What's it gonna be? It would have to be invisibility. If you're invisible, you can do ANYTHING. Steal with impunity, find out what people are doing and what they're saying about you and just generally have a swell time.
20) You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again? The last half hour of my wedding dance, when everyone was drunk, hyperactive and dancing, and the night concluded with the piper playing a never-ending reel.
21) You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be? (the answer "nothing" doesn't count) The death of my grandfather.
22) You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit... you can move to anywhere else in the world! Bitchin'! What country are you going to live in now? Probably back to Australia, as I enjoyed living there despite being penniless. It'd be even better as a rich, invisible time traveller
23) This question still counts, even for those of you who are under age. Check it out. You have been eternally banned from every single bar in the world except for ONE. Which one is it gonna be? The Elephant and Wheelbarrow in Northbridge, Perth, Western Australia.
24) Hopefully you didn't mention this in the super-powers question.... If you did, then we'll just expand on that. Check it out... Suddenly, you have gained the ability to FLOAT!!! Whose house are you going to float to first, and be like "Dude, check it out... I can FLOAT!"? My former flatmate John McInally - he'd be very impressed and very jealous.
25) The constant absorption of magical moonbeams mixed with the radioactive vegetables you consumed earlier has given you the ability to resurrect the dead famous-person of your choice. So which celebrity will you bring back to life? I would say John Lennon, but he was getting kinda dull towards the end of his life. Let's go with Jimi Hendrix, I'm sure he had plenty lost worlds still to explore when he died.
26) The Celestial Gates of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn't think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person, etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back? Both of my grandfathers.
27) What's your theme song? I don't know if I have one. My favourite song is Strawberry Fields Forever, but T Rex's 20th Century Boy seems more apt.
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
One per cent inspiration and ninety-nine per cent perspiration
News from the BBC's football website this morning is that Real Madrid president Ramon Calderon wants David Beckham to stay at the Bernabeu.
Fair enough. Beckham is world sport's biggest cash cow, and his teats have not yet been suckled dry (if you'll pardon the hideous metaphor).
But what I can't allow to pass without comment is Calderon's assertion that Becks 'is a genius on and off the pitch and a wonderful person in every sense.'
A genius on and off the pitch? No, that is just wrong.
Beckham is a footballer who has made the most of a couple of wonderful footballing attributes - his excellent passing and an ability to curl a free-kick round a defensive wall into the top corner of the goal.
George Best, discussing Golden Balls' abilities, famously said: 'He can't kick with his left foot, he can't tackle, he can't head the ball and he doesn't score many goals. Apart from that, he's all right.'
Although Beckham makes my list of most irritating people, alongside Tony Blair, Jamie Oliver and Gillian McKeith, I'm prepared to acknowledge that he is a useful player.
But to describe him as a genius on the pitch would be overstepping the mark by a considerable margin - he's a hard-working player who can pass accurately.
Calderon's description of him as a genius OFF the pitch is even more ridiculous. Anyone who has ever heard his mono-syllabic, pre-scripted interviews could come to the quick assumption that he's pleasant and almost likeable in a naive way, but no rocket scientist.
Still, he's the richest footballer in history, so I'm sure he's not too fussed that he can't do algebra. And he'll probably be wooed by Calderon's over-the-top proclamations.
Which will hopefully mean he'll never return to British football, and we'll be spared the accompanying media circus that follows his every move.
Fair enough. Beckham is world sport's biggest cash cow, and his teats have not yet been suckled dry (if you'll pardon the hideous metaphor).
But what I can't allow to pass without comment is Calderon's assertion that Becks 'is a genius on and off the pitch and a wonderful person in every sense.'
A genius on and off the pitch? No, that is just wrong.
Beckham is a footballer who has made the most of a couple of wonderful footballing attributes - his excellent passing and an ability to curl a free-kick round a defensive wall into the top corner of the goal.
George Best, discussing Golden Balls' abilities, famously said: 'He can't kick with his left foot, he can't tackle, he can't head the ball and he doesn't score many goals. Apart from that, he's all right.'
Although Beckham makes my list of most irritating people, alongside Tony Blair, Jamie Oliver and Gillian McKeith, I'm prepared to acknowledge that he is a useful player.
But to describe him as a genius on the pitch would be overstepping the mark by a considerable margin - he's a hard-working player who can pass accurately.
Calderon's description of him as a genius OFF the pitch is even more ridiculous. Anyone who has ever heard his mono-syllabic, pre-scripted interviews could come to the quick assumption that he's pleasant and almost likeable in a naive way, but no rocket scientist.
Still, he's the richest footballer in history, so I'm sure he's not too fussed that he can't do algebra. And he'll probably be wooed by Calderon's over-the-top proclamations.
Which will hopefully mean he'll never return to British football, and we'll be spared the accompanying media circus that follows his every move.
Monday, October 02, 2006
You're only as old as you feel
It always comes as something of a shock to me when I remember that I am (much) closer to my 30th birthday than I am to my 16th.
A decade may have passed since I became old enough to legally smoke, ride a motorbike and engage in other adult activities, but I don't feel much different.
True, I may weigh two stone more than I did back then, and have gained an inch or two in height but mentally, I don't really feel too much different.
Although my thoughts are now occasionally filled with work, mortgages and other grown-up thoughts, large protions of my day are still spend musing over such pressing topics as football, music and women.
This is no real change from my teenage years, and if we substitute work for school and mortgage for drinking money, my thoughts are pretty much the same as they were back in my school days.
Even today, I cannot resist sliding across a tiled floor when wearing only socks on my feet. If I set eyes on a football, I feel an irresistable urge to kick it, and if I spy a guitar, I can't help but attempt to bash out a tune on it.
But, despite my brain's desire to remain a teenager forever, sadly it is not to be.
During my teenage years, I was, believe it or not, a sprinter. I have recently been training with a local football club, my first concerted exercise in a good few years.
Back in my teenage prime, I would have been the fastest player at the club. Today, I am the slowest, by a considerable margin.
What worries me most about this depressing statistic is that amongst my team mates are several who are well over 30 and some who are heavy smokers. I'm even slower than the goalkeepers.
Whilst I can laugh it off, regaling the others with my assertion that as my Laudrup-like pace has deserted me, I have developed a Gascoigne-esque ability on the ball, not to mention the weight to resist full-bodied challenges more readily, in actual fact it is embarrasing.
Which is why I have splashed out on a brand new mountain bike, which I am determined will transform me into a rippling mass of muscle and a winger so fast that no-one in the team will see me for dust during training.
So, if anyone driving through Argyll in the near future sees a fat, red-faced cyclist struggling to travel more than a few metres, pleaase don't stop. It's just my attempt to recapture my teenage glory years before it's too late.
A decade may have passed since I became old enough to legally smoke, ride a motorbike and engage in other adult activities, but I don't feel much different.
True, I may weigh two stone more than I did back then, and have gained an inch or two in height but mentally, I don't really feel too much different.
Although my thoughts are now occasionally filled with work, mortgages and other grown-up thoughts, large protions of my day are still spend musing over such pressing topics as football, music and women.
This is no real change from my teenage years, and if we substitute work for school and mortgage for drinking money, my thoughts are pretty much the same as they were back in my school days.
Even today, I cannot resist sliding across a tiled floor when wearing only socks on my feet. If I set eyes on a football, I feel an irresistable urge to kick it, and if I spy a guitar, I can't help but attempt to bash out a tune on it.
But, despite my brain's desire to remain a teenager forever, sadly it is not to be.
During my teenage years, I was, believe it or not, a sprinter. I have recently been training with a local football club, my first concerted exercise in a good few years.
Back in my teenage prime, I would have been the fastest player at the club. Today, I am the slowest, by a considerable margin.
What worries me most about this depressing statistic is that amongst my team mates are several who are well over 30 and some who are heavy smokers. I'm even slower than the goalkeepers.
Whilst I can laugh it off, regaling the others with my assertion that as my Laudrup-like pace has deserted me, I have developed a Gascoigne-esque ability on the ball, not to mention the weight to resist full-bodied challenges more readily, in actual fact it is embarrasing.
Which is why I have splashed out on a brand new mountain bike, which I am determined will transform me into a rippling mass of muscle and a winger so fast that no-one in the team will see me for dust during training.
So, if anyone driving through Argyll in the near future sees a fat, red-faced cyclist struggling to travel more than a few metres, pleaase don't stop. It's just my attempt to recapture my teenage glory years before it's too late.
Sunday, October 01, 2006
Who needs Love?
That paragon of virtue, clean living, common sense and decency, Courtney Love, is at it again.
Let's face it, Courtney is to role models what Lemmy is to the sufragettes, but even by her own warped and very low standards, this photograph take some beating.
Shameless.
Let's face it, Courtney is to role models what Lemmy is to the sufragettes, but even by her own warped and very low standards, this photograph take some beating.
Shameless.
Family planning
Who says that the NHS is an inefficient, cash-guzzling monster?
This sign from a family planning clinic in Northampton proves that it is, in fact, totally efficient and concise. Much cheaper than providing teenage chavs with free condoms!
This sign from a family planning clinic in Northampton proves that it is, in fact, totally efficient and concise. Much cheaper than providing teenage chavs with free condoms!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)