Speccy Bastard

Apparently the ZX Spectrum is 30 years old.

That makes me feel very old. I think the Spectrum was the third computer/games console I laid fingers on. The first was a BBC Microcomputer at primary school, and the second was an Atari 2600 (I think) owned by a friend. That was also the first time I played a game involving the Super Mario Brothers.

The same friend and his older brother also had a ZX Spectrum, and I remember watching them in 1987, sitting for what seemed like hours programming in a BASIC game. It was distinctly underwhelming.

It's almost strange that in today's modern society you can take computer classes for programming now.

But by 1988/89, I was desperate for a computer of my own, and Mither and Faither (or Santa Claus anyway) very generously bought Baby Brother and I a ZX Spectrum +3. Not only did the +3 boast 128k of RAM, but it had a built-in floppy disk drive, which was a revelation in the tape-dominated home computer market.

I actually broke our first Spectrum on Xmas Day, jamming the power cable into the back of the computer upside down and bending all the pins.

But we got a replacement, complete with a disk of six games that I still love to this day:

• Gift From The Gods - based on Greek mythology, you float around a sprawling underground maze attempting to find stones that will unlock a gate.

• NOMAD  - An armoured droid (NOMAD stands for something something Mobile Attack Droid) batters around a spaceship shooting stuff.

•  Mailstrom - You play a postman in a post-apocalyptic England. Deliver the letters and futuristic violence. Dark humor persists.

•  Daley Thomson's SuperTest - Follow up to Daley Thomson's Decathlon, the sports were more obscure, but the button-bashing was just as fun.

Those games would comfortably run on a modern mobile phone. But at the time, they were cutting-edge. Games on the Spectrum generally had very high playability - they had to, as the graphics and sound were so weak.

Days spent playing Chucky Egg, Dizzy, Footballer of the Year, the games above and hundreds of others are amongst the happiest memories from my childhood.

And now I've found all of the games above on an emulator site. That's my weekend sorted...

Dances In The Sand

In a week's time, I'll be here...

Not that I'm excited or anything...

Almax

In the six or so years I've been blogging, I've "met" some interesting characters.

It was incredibly saddening to hear today that my favourite blogger - indeed, one of my favourite writers in any medium - known to many as Almax, and to readers of seminal football fanzine The Absolute Game by his real name of Alastair McSporran (which he memorably described as having been invented by a Sunday Post sub-editor), died on Tuesday after a long illness.

Alastair's knowledge of music, conveyed through his blog, was an entry point for me into a whole world of previously unexplored music. Through him I discovered The Incredible String Band, Bunny Wailer, Ornette Coleman, Poco and many, many more.

I also enjoyed the debates he led on football, particularly the fortunes or otherwise of the Old Firm. I was lucky enough to be chosen as one of 35 private members of the blog when public access was revoked a few years back, and the community that Alastair created felt at all times like the world's best, most selective, private members club. No topic was off limits, and it became a safe haven of sorts to engage in occasionally heated discussion.

No words I write here can possibly do Alastair's talent justice. If a professional writer had left behind a body of work so varied, so forthright, so honest and so tear-inducingly hilarious, they would be feted for decades. That his blog was the work of a supposed amateur makes it all the more impressive.

While the main blog that bears his name remains behind closed doors, I recommend everyone visit this collection of Alastair's The Absolute Game writings for some of the best analysis of Scottish football you'll ever read.

Farewell Alastair - I'm listening to Blood On The Tracks in your honour.

If Only It Were Real...

Friday Ten: Ten Great Album Tracks

Ten great songs that were never released as singles.

1: Hey Bulldog by The Beatles


2: Champagne Supernova by Oasis


3: Driving South by The Stone Roses


4: The Width of a Circle by David Bowie


5: Mardy Bum by Arctic Monkeys


6: When The Levee Breaks by Led Zeppelin


7: On A Plain by Nirvana


8: Optimistic by Radiohead


9: Exterminator by Primal Scream


10: The Chain by Fleetwood Mac

Season 2011/2012: Match 21: Leyton Orient 1 Huddersfield Town 3 (nPower League One)

Once again I find myself in London for work, and yet again my visit to the capital coincides with some live football.

Having seen Europa League, Carling Cup and Championship football on my two previous visits, this time I was lower down the pyramid, watching Leyton Orient attempt to drag themselves away from the League One relegation zone and Huddersfield aiming for promotion to the Championship.

I've long had a soft spot for Huddersfield, for a very odd reason - during my uni years, I spent a rather large portion of my life managing them in Championship Manager 1997/98 - 20 years in charge, missing out on promotion to the Premier League via the playoffs on TWELVE occasions.

If it's something you're interested in, there are several colleges that offer degrees in sports management.

Anyway, I digress.

On the tube map and London A-Z, Leyton's Brisbane Road stadium looks as though it's a long way from central London, but I found it a lot easier and quicker to get to than White Hart Lane or Upton Park.

The first thing I saw when I alighted from Leyton underground station was the new Olympic Stadium, which Orient have their eyes on as potential post-games tenants.

Which seems a little odd given that they were nowhere near filling Brisbane Road tonight. Only 3,674 hardy souls braved the heavy east London rain for the match, although that may be understandable given the weather, Orient's league position and form, Huddersfield's league position and form, and the fact that Barcelona and Milan were squaring up in the Champions League quarter final live on TV.

Brisbane Road is a weird little ground - a comparatively enormous main stand (the one in the picture above) with three wee ones completing the set-up. The stand I was in is made of wood, giving it an old-fashioned vibe that even Links Park can't match.

Weirder still, the four corners of the ground are filled with blocks of flats looking out onto the pitch, and many of the balconies were occupied by fans watching the match.

There was the potential for quite a Caledonian connection in the match, with Orient's squad including Scott Cuthbert and Marc Laird, while Huddersfield have Gary Naysmith, Scott Arfield and Jordan Rhodes, as well as former Dundee United striker Danny Cadamarteri and ex-Hibs keeper Nick Colgan.

Only Laird and Rhodes started the match, with Cadamarteri and Arfield coming off the Huddersfield bench.

Orient started the match brightly, and took a deserved lead with a sweet goal from Matthew Spring, the midfielder firing home from the edge of the box with quarter of an hour gone.

But Huddersfield levelled immediately, Orient's Jimmy Smith getting the final touch on Rhodes' back heel, although the Scottish striker did his best to claim the goal as his own.

Rhodes. who now has 36 or 37 goals this season depending on whether the first was his or not, was by far the best player on the park, finishing with a hat-trick (if we give him the opener).

He was a constant danger to a lacklustre Orient team, who looked beaten the moment their visitors scored. They looked devoid of ideas, made fundamental passing errors and struggled to get the ball into dangerous areas. As we can often see, a team down on its luck may struggle even to complete the basics, and too often they passed the ball straight to Huddersfield's players when under no pressure. Midfielder Dean Cox in particular seemed incapable of completing even a simple pass.

That is to take nothing away from Huddersfield, who were combative, first to every ball and quick to get the ball forward towards Rhodes. His was a real striker's performance, slamming home from close range for his side's second and coolly slotting into the net to complete his hat-trick in the last minute.

Arfield also looked good when he came on, and maybe his status as one of the lost talents of the Scottish game is premature, particularly if Huddersfield can push on up to the Championship. Rhodes, it is clear, is destined for greater things, not least a place in the Scotland squad once he's established at a higher level.

A good game, and one I'm glad I picked over a gig - if it had been a 0-0 draw I'd have been raging.

Man of the Match: Only one contender - Jordan Rhodes. A striker of genuine quality, combing pace and power with a finisher's instinct. Definitely a player to keep an eye on over the next few years.

Season 2011/2012: Match 20: Montrose 0 Alloa Athletic 2 (Irn-Bru Division Three)

Over the past few weeks/months/years, Neil Lennon:

has developed quite a reputation for being an ungracious loser, convinced that there's a conspiracy whereby referees are out to deny his club "their" treble.

It's all bollocks of course, and part of the greater Celtic persecution complex whereby the SFA, UEFA, FIFA, the UK government, pro-Israeli governments, Andy Goram, HMRC, the Feudal System, potato blight, diving Portuguese midfielders, Kyle Lafferty, Alex Salmond, the English, the Masons and Ally McCoist are all geared towards denying Celtic their rightful place at the summit of Scottish, European and world football.

If the snaggle-toothed ginger wants to see what it's like living with week upon week of woeful refereeing, he should start following Montrose.

Today, Montrose were 10 minutes from a share of the points with Division Three champions elect Alloa. The visitors had Ryan Harding sent off after 18 minutes, the centre back misjudging the flight of a long ball from Dougie Cameron, getting caught the wrong side of Martin Boyle and deciding that his only option was to take the striker out.

But Mat Northcroft apparently decided to redress the balance in the 80th minute, awarding a penalty to Alloa and dismissing Alan Campbell for a professional foul. Which would have been perfectly fine had Campbell not clearly taken the ball before making contact with Stevie May.

Campbell walked, Ryan McCord stepped up to take the penalty, and Alloa never looked back.

Alloa doubled their lead two minutes later, McCord reacting fastest when Darren Young's 35-yard shot smacked off both posts before dropping in front of goal.

It's easy enough to say that the sending off cost Montrose the match, but the truth is that they played against 10 men for 72 minutes. Instead of keeping possession and passing the ball, they resorted to their tried and tested aimless and useless tactic of launching the ball as far up the park as possible at every opportunity.

It seems that Paul Lunan - a man with four contrasting haircuts competing for attention on his oblong head - and Dougie Cameron just want to get the ball as far away from themselves as possible - every time they're in possession, an aimless punt follows.

In a moment of sun-inspired pre-match jollity I composed a song in Dougie's honour. To the tune of "He's Got The Whole World In His Hands":

He's got a patella for a head

He's got a patella for a head

He's got a patella for a head

He's got a knee where his heid should be

I look forward to a rousing rendition at the next Montrose match.

Aside from the late Alloa flurry, Northcroft's unexplainable mental breakdown and Montrose's desire to play American Football rather than the proper type, there was little to note in today's match.

Except for one thing. It seems that Heath Ledger:

didn't die while filming The Dark Knight - he's alive and well and playing up front for Alloa under the alias Stevie May:

It's all a conspiracy...

Man of the Match: All in all, today was largely forgettable for Montrose. I barely remember them being in the Alloa box, despite having an extra man for three quarters of the match. If push comes to shove, I'd probably go for Paul Lunan, who looked solid at the back when not trying to launch the ball non-stop to Brechin.

Friday Ten: Ten Songs For A Sunny Day

I'm steadfastly ignoring all claims to include Dodgy...

1. Going Out - Supergrass

2. Daytripper - The Beatles

3. Dry The Rain - The Beta Band

4. ABC - The Jackson 5

5. Sunny Afternoon - The Kinks

6. The Circle - Ocean Colour Scene

7. Whatever - Oasis

8. I Get Around - The Beach Boys

9. Time Of The Season - The Zombies

10. One Love - The Stone Roses

Public Service Announcement

The last reason is good enough in itself.

As sent to me by Big Rab

The Force Wasn't So Strong

Maybe the Force wasn't as strong in young Anakin Skywalker/Jake Lloyd as we were led to believe...

As seen here

Newbies

On the way home from visiting friends outside Perth yesterday, Mrs Wife, the Jockling and I stopped in Dundee so that I could pick up some new tenants for the Dungroanin' aquarium.

This weekend's additions were three Otocinclus, or Ottos for short, that I have named Optimus, Rodimus and Bumblebee. The photograph above shows Optimus getting straight down to the business of eating brown algae, which was the reason for acquiring them in the first place.

They join an eclectic group that includes seven harlequin rasbora (Quinzel, Cobblepot, Nigma, Bane, Dent, Fries and Joker), three mollies (Laudrup, Gascoigne and Walters) and a guppy (Firestar), as well as five Malaysian trumpet snails (Davis, Gillespie, Armstrong, Flea and Moore).

Laudrup (bottom middle), Gascoigne (upper right) and Walters (upper left) say hello to the camera, while one of the harlequins pops into the frame in the top right.

And The Living's Easy

Large McDonald's strawberry milkshake.

Paul Simon's Graceland on the headphones.

Sun in the sky and barely a breeze.

I love summertime...

....Even when it arrives in March...

Pokemon and Saved By The Bell

Since posting a photograph of Samuel "Screech" Powers - AKA Montrose "football player" Jonathan Crawford - a few weeks back, it appears that this far-flung outpost of the worldwide interweb has become the primary resource for people seeking photographs of said character.

But today, someone also arrived having searched for "Picachu tackle". Unfortunately I can't help with that - although a quick search of the Groanin' Jock archives will reveal a picture of the Pokemon's vagina...

Between The Lines

I've been reading a fair bit over the past wee while, thanks in part to receiving a Kindle for Xmas from Mither.

Here's what I've devoured over the past few months:


Catching Fire - Suzanne Collins
The second Hunger Games book. Not as good as the first, which was exciting (if a little predictable). But there were some interesting twists that took the story to new places...


Mockingjay - Suzanne Collins
...that were concluded in Mockingjay. The story seemed to lose its way a bit in the final chapter, but it was rounded off to a generally satisfactory degree.


Rage - Stephen King (writing as Richard Bachman)
For a short while, Stephen King wrote under the pseudonym Richard Bachman, just to see what it was like to be an unknown author again.

The education guide to a career is a great resource to use in jump starting your career as an author.

The first of the Bachman books I read was Rage, a book that has since been withdrawn from sale due to a high school shooter using it as inspiration for his rampage. Cleverly plotted, with well-crafted characters, Rage is well worth a read if you can find a second-hand copy.


The Ultimate Book of Useless Information - Noel Botham
I love useless facts. I've devoted almost my entire life to filling my head with facts that I will never need and should never use, but can't resist in a smart-ass way. I actually noticed some inaccuracies in this book, but read it cover to cover nonetheless.


Are You Dave Gorman? - Dave Gorman
I'm a long-term fan of Gorman (and his sidekick Danny Wallace), but it took me a long time to get round to reading the book that made his name. The devotion to duty, and the mental imbalance required, to spend months seeking out Dave Gormans from around the world is an endeavour that few would try, and fewer still could relay in such amusing fashion.


The Long Walk - Stephen King (writing as Richard Bachman)
My second Bachman book, The Long Walk was harrowing. Cleverly, it doesn't reveal itself fully until the end of the journey, so the plot is gradually revealed as the characters' long walk is taking place. Subtle genius.

Roadwork - Stephen King (writing as Richard Bachman)
Not as strong a story as Rage or The Long Walk, but Roadwork  gave a good study of one man's fight against the system, and his parallel descent into madness.


The Running Man - Stephen King (writing as Richard Bachman)
The movie may regularly recive an unwarranted kicking, but The Running Man gave us a dystopian future where people are hunted for sport on live TV. An obvious touchstone for The Hunger Games trilogy, the book is darker and less cartoonish than the Arnie blockbuster.

The Great Derangement: A Terrifying True Story of War, Politics and Religion at the Twilight of the American Empire - Matt Taibbi
Rolling Stone reporter Matt  Taibbi looks at the political divide in the USA, how its citizens are reacting and what it means for the world at large. Some of the character profiles are truly frightening, and it comes as a sobering thought to realise how many people go about the business of electing the most powerful person on Earth.


The Bedroom Secrets of The Master Chefs - Irvine Welsh
Welsh's post-Trainspotting work may have been on an ever-downward spiral, but they've always been a guilty pleasure of mine - there hasn't been one I haven't enjoyed. I love that they're set in the real Edinburgh, with real streets, real pubs and real shops. And his characters are genuinely gruesome. The Bedroom Secrets of The Master Chefs bore comparison with The Portrait of Dorian Gray, and I zipped through its funny and horrifying plot.

Charlie Brooker's Screen Burn - Charlie Brooker
On his day, there are few people funnier than Charlie Brooker. This book collects some of his TV columns, where he dismembers the offal paraded as prime time broadcasting in the UK. Generally hilarious, although as the book is more than 10 years old, some of the references fall flat today.

Under The Dome - Stephen King
The first half of this monster of a novel was as good as anything I've read for a while - a genuine "what the fuck is going on" situation brought to life with a lucid mix of characters. But I was ultimately disappointed with the pay-off - it was almost as if King himself had no real idea where to take the story and ended up with a "ach, that'll do". Frustrating considering how strong the first half was.

Life and Fate - Vasily Grossman
An epic novel set in the final days of World War II, as Russia and Germany fight for supremacy in Stalingrad. Translated from the original Russian novel written 60-odd years ago, it was far from an easy read. Some parts kept the imagination, but others dragged by for what seemed like the duration of the siege of Stalingrad itself. A massive undertaking, and not one to be considered lightly.

The QI Book of General Ignorance - John Lloyd and John Mitchinson
Another collection of trivia and usless facts, this book set about debunking many a myth. Very educational, even if a lot of the science involved went right over my head.

The Second QI Book of General Ignorance - John Lloyd and John Mitchinson
More of the same - the benefits of having a Kindle being that I now carry 500+ books with me wherever I go, and can appease my appetite for education and stimulation whenever I feel like it.

The Internet Is A Playground - David Thorne
David Thorne is a mad, hilarious, evil genius. His website at http://www.27bslash6.com/ is one of my favourite things in the whole world. This book collects the first batch of his internet postings, as well as a several exclusive to the book. Laugh-out-loud funny, even those stories I'd read several times before. I cannot recommend this book highly enough.

Slide Away

It came as a sobering realistion today that many of my favourite records are 15 years old this year.

Albums from 1997 that rank among my favourites or that otherwise had a big effect on me at the time include:

Radiator - Super Furry Animals
OK Computer - Radiohead
Tellin' Stories - The Charlatans
Do It Yourself - The Seahorses
Be Here Now - Oasis
Urban Hymns - The Verve
In It For The Money - Supergrass
Marchin' Already - Ocean Colour Scene
Vanishing Point - Primal Scream
Dig Your Own Hole - The Chemical Brothers
The Fat of The Land - The Prodigy
Heavy Soul - Paul Weller
Flaming Pie - Paul McCartney
When I Was Born For The Seventh Time - Cornershop
The Colour and The Shape - Foo Fighters
Ladies and Gentlemen We Are Floating In Space - Spiritualized
Young Team - Mogwai
Songs From Northern Britain - Teenage Fanclub
Blur - Blur
Stupid Stupid Stupid - Black Grape
Good Feeling - Travis
Portishead - Portishead
Attack of the Grey Lantern - Mansun

And those are just the ones I can remember off the top of my head in 10 minutes.

Quite easily the best year of music in my lifetime. We'll never see its like again...

Confusion

Reading Cracked.com's 13 Current Events as Understood By Five-Year-Olds this morning reminded me that, as a child, I thought Neil Kinnock was the first man to walk on the moon.

School Trip

Stolen from Tropical Fish Forums UK

Face Recognition

The Nineteenth Groanin' Jock Lyrical Challenge

With only one entrant in the last Groanin' Jock Lyrical Challenge, Neepheid wins by default, having correctly identified Blur's Beetlebum.

Here are the latest tunes to spot, courtesy of the Magic Tune Box set to shuffle. Just identify the song and the artist, no Googling allowed.

1. Pride can hurt you too, apologise to her.

2. I'm looking over the wall and they're looking at me.

3. What a big black mask, what a hunk of love.

4. Watching him dash away, swinging an old bouquet.

5. You were the seven deadly sins, making sense in your "screw me" dress.

Season 2011/2012: Match 19: Montrose 1 Berwick Rangers 1 (Irn-Bru Division Three)

After five years of watching Montrose week in, week out, and almost 12 months of Raymond Farningham's Less Than Incredible Comedy Circus, I've finally worked out where the main problem is.

The assorted nuclear physicists, neurosurgeons and chemical weapon developers that turn out for Montrose during their days off think that football matches last 70 minutes.

That can be the only reason for them giving Berwick a good game for that long then inexplicably switching off for the final 20 minutes.

Neither side created any clear chances in the first half hour or so, but the 10 minutes before the break suggested we were in for a match in the second half.

It took only three minutes of the latter period for Montrose to take the lead, Martin Boyle (maybe just overshadowed this week by Lionel Messi's exploits in the Champions League) applying a low finish to Lloyd Young's knockdown.

And from there they could have had at least another one or two. Scott Johnston was tireless, marauding up and down both wings, while his fellow midfielders were solid and generally reliable.

But with 20 minutes remaining - coinciding with the introduction of Jamie Winter in place of Terry Masson in central midfield - Montrose began to invite their visitors into the final third, a dangerous strategy given the home side's defensive frailty and erratic goalkeeper.

On this instance, it wasn't keeper Michael Andrews who was at fault - he had a good game, with some excellent saves that kept Montrose in the match.

Today those at fault (yet again) were:
Jonathan "Pob" Beckenbauer Smart. Everyone's favourite jug-eared puppet turned centre back remains a critical disaster area, not least because in his head, he's never at fault. If he spent as much time defending as he does barking at his team mates to hide his own mistakes, he'd be on the way to being as good as he clearly thinks he is.

Neither he nor Sean Crighton (the switch on the back of Crighton's head was flicked from "Get rid of the ball at all times" to "Panic and flap about" for the final 20 minutes) managed to beat the much shorter Damon Gray in the air when Berwick equalised from a corner.

The whole Montrose defence is a shambles, with another weak point in today's late collapse -
- Dougie Cameron, a source of continuing frustration. He'd have been a contender for man of the match up until the final 20 minutes, when his tendency to go walkabout reappeared. He needs to realise that he's at his best sticking to his position at left back and using his genuine passing ability from there, rather than wandering aimlessly into midfield and leaving gaps at the back that he doesn't have the pace to refill when necessary.

Also in the "could have been a contender" category was Jonathan Crawford:Screech was doing well in a holding midfield role for the first hour or so, but he also seemed to be destabilised by Winter's introduction - possibly as a result of losing the (unlikely) calming influence of Terry Masson beside him.

I can understand Farningham's introduction of Winter with 20 minutes to go - hope the ball drops to him somewhere in the same postcode as the Berwick net and that he can use his laser-guided rocket foot to power in a goal or two.

But the team's shape went all to buggery after he came on, the midfield stopped defending, the defence started defending like they didn't know how to defend and there was no way Montrose were going to come out with all three points.

It's infuriating watching men who should know better stop playing the way they can and resort to aimless punts and defending like kids.

This season's a write-off, we know that much. We've seen the team match all the other teams in the division at one time or another. They need to remember to play for the full 90 minutes, with maybe some tweaks to personnel. I'd still be in favour of binning the two Jonathans, but I'd keep Kneeheid, as on his day he's a player. Otherwise, I'm still comfortable with the team we put on the park most weeks.

Man of the Match: It feels like I say this every week, but Boyle was tireless up front and deserved his goal. Masson was strong in midfield, as was Lloyd Young alongside him. Crawford and Cameron played well in the first half. But the award is between Michael Andrews and Scott Johnston, and now that I've thought about it, Andrews kept Montrose in the game on a number of occasions.