Would You Like Fries With That?

One of the things I hate most about our consumerist society is automated/scripted responses from front-line customer service staff.

During my lunch break today, I visited the Post Office and my bank.

Having paid for postage at the Post Office, I was asked: "Would you like to top up a mobile phone today?"

I don't have a pay as you go mobile phone. And if I did, I would probably top it up when I needed to, not when the Post Office gonk asked me.

This was in a busy Aberdeen city centre Post Office, with a huge queue of folk, presumably some of whom were there during their lunch breaks.

If this exchange takes five seconds per customer, even if the Post Office gonk is only serving one customer every five minutes, that's still a minute wasted every hour. Over an eight-hour day, that gonk could have served an additional 1.6 customers.

The elderly woman next to me was asked the same question: "Would you like to top up a mobile phone today?"

She may as well have been asked if she'd like to discombobulate her Higgs Boson particles. The gonk asked the question three times before giving up and assuming that the elderly lady didn't have a mobile phone in urgent need of top-uppery.

Then in the bank, having paid in some cash, I was asked if I had a mortgage, the bank gonk having presumably snooped through my account and noticed that if I did, it certainly wasn't with them.

"Yes, thank you" I replied.

"It's not with us, is it?"

"No, it's not"

"Would you like us to arrange an appointment to discuss our mortgage options with you?"

"No thank you"

I really do wish that gonks weren't forced to rattle off this sales spiel every time a customer crossed their path.

In a previous life, I worked in a call centre, and we had a scripted response when we answered a call: "Can I have your reference number please?"

[Customer searches for reference number, quotes their own phone number then their meter reading. Finally sources the reference number.]

"Thank you Mr McHughy. I see you have an outstanding balance of £23,675 on your account. Are you calling to pay that by debit card today?"

Cue Mr McHughy launching into an apopleptic fit during which he invents several new swearwords.

But my own personal favourite [and it is a favourite - it defied belief so much] was when I called T-Mobile to advise them I was leaving and would like my PAC code so I could transfer my number to a new provider.

"Hi, I'd like my PAC code please"

"OK, can I just ask why you're thinking of leaving us?"

"Because I've moved to Argyll and I don't get a T-Mobile signal in my house."

"It's just that, because you've been a long-term customer, we could offer you a good incentive to stay. We can offer 500 free minutes per month and 500 free texts."

"That sounds great, but unfortunately I wouldn't be able to use the free minutes or free texts as I have no T-Mobile signal in my house."

"Well, we could extend that to 750 minutes and 750 texts..."

"Which again sounds great, but unless you're also going to build a mast in my back garden, I'm afraid I'll still have to say no."

Modern society - I truly do despair sometimes...

Assisted

Note to members of shop staff: if I approach the counter of your emporium holding items and my debit card, this should be taken as a sign that I have decided what to buy and am ready to pay.

I do not require several minutes of "jaunty" banter on the merits of my purchases, nor on the weather or the quality of music on the radio.

Just let me pay for my stuff and leave.

Thank you.

The Pakistani and The Automatic Door

I'm not sure if the gentleman in the video below actually is Pakistani or not, my Arabic isn't quite up to scratch. If anyone wants to enlighten me, I'd be grateful.

Of Its Time

I despair. Truly I do. Within the first sentence, which ever illiterate monkey from National Express East Coast wrote this has completely lost any hope of me partaking of their super-duper special offer.

Ministry of Superfluous Signs

As spotted in a motorway service station somewhere between Glasgow and Skegness on Tuesday.

Fail

Never Annoy A Pair Of Scouse Cage Fighters

I'm sure there are several morals to this tale, but I'm not entirely sure what they are. Follow the first link then watch this video.

Warning - the video is not suitable for work.

Chess With The Presidents

Jaggy was right - the mystery celebrity in the previous post was Paul "Gazza" Gascoigne.

I've said before that Gazza is amongst my favourite footballers of all time, and that Brian Laudrup is the only player I've seen in a Rangers shirt who would be his equal.

But he's clearly a serious ill man with myriad problems that don't have an easy solution. Problems that have been exacerbated by fame and fortune from a young age and by a series of hangers-on who have indulged his every whim and ridden the gravy train until it was so far off the rails as to be insalvageable.

My favourite part of the article from the previous post is this section:

"I rang my dad and said, "Get your stuff ready. Me and you are going to Madison Square Garden to play chess against President Bush and President Clinton." God knows what I was going on about — I didn't even have a chess board."

Aye Gazza, that was the fatal flaw in your plan to play Presidents Bush and Clinton at chess in Madison Square Garden - the lack of a board....

Smashing

The "benefits" of a second floor city centre office - best seats in the house when bus meets lorry and comes off second best.

A Load Of Bull

101 Reasons Why 500lb Bulls Don't Make Good Football Mascots: Reason 47.....

Future Darwin Award Winner

To quote Con Air: "This is fucking spectacular".

Backwards B

Ad-vanced Warfare

Mike, a friend of mine so good that he employed both myself and Eric at the same time, sent me this link to Cracked.com's "If Banner Ads Were Forced To Tell The Truth" competition.

And, is is the way of useless shite on the worldwide interweb, it got me thinking.

How do these sites stay afloat? Surely there can't be that many idiots walking this little blue planet?

But, after a moment's thought, the question kinda got flipped around - "Why aren't there more sites fleecing gullible mugs?"

As I was replying to Mike's email, an advert at the top of my Hotmail window flashed up urging me to claim my free £10 whilst playing Deal or No Deal for £405,000 - a jackpot which rose by a penny every second.

Surely anyone with half a brain can realise that:

1) Companies do not achieve success through giving everyone on the internet free tenners.

2) Companies do not achieve success through giving away £405,000 to idiots on the internet.

3) A jackpot that rose by a penny EVERY SECOND would rise by £1 every 100 seconds, or 60p a minute. 60p a minute = £3.60 an hour = £86.40 a day = £604.80 a week. A jackpot rising by more than £600 a week, in a game people pay for free. Does anyone see any potential problems with that? Such as the source of this wonderful bounty?

And yet, I have absolutely no doubt that there are idiots out there clicking the advert every single second in the hope of brightening their weekend to the tune of four hundred grand.

Presumably, to feature within an advert within Hotmail, the company behind the advert can't be short of a bob or two, and must be (comparitively) legitimate.

But if you're stupid enough to click on a link that says "Free Britney Sex Tape" - well, you deserve the spyware, don't you?

I think I should go and take some painkillers for my toes now.

No Explanation Necessary

Make Your Pool Party Go With A Bang

Yes, that's a power cord floating on flip flops.

Easy

Rangers' 3-0 win over the Mhanky Mhob on Saturday was more convincing than I think most people would have predicted beforehand.

The Ibrox side's domestic form has been patchy this season, having included defeats to both Edinburgh sides even at this early stage. But it was the Gers' impressive European form that was most apparent in the first Old Firm encounter of the season, with Rangers looking by far the more dangerous team when attacking.

Alan Hutton's form this season has been nothing short of magnificent, and his game has improved immeasurably since the last campaign. It is now inconceivable to imagine a full-strength Scotland squad without Hutton bombing down the wing, a feature of his game that has emerged most dramatically in Rangers' Champions League ties against Lyon and Stuttgart.

Alongside Barry Ferguson, Carlos Cuellar and Nacho Novo, Hutton dominated against Celtic, making the champions look very ordinary in the process.

Perhaps the biggest talking point in the days to come will be the lack of grace shown by the away side in defeat. Scott MacDonald was lucky still to be on the pitch even as early as half-time, as his lashing out at Alan McGregor in the first five minutes could have warranted a straight red card. Similarly, Scott Brown, Gary Caldwell and Artur Boruc failed to cover themselves in glory, as did Rangers' McGregor in a late melee.

Celtic should be most concerned by Boruc's conduct, not least because he has previous form in this fixture and in others. Notwithstanding his infantile conduct in Old Firm matches, his performances on the pitch are notoriously erratic, and could cost Celtic valuable points over the course of the season.

Which, from my point of view, sounds just fine.

No Force Required

As seen at Alistair's Heart Monitor

Oh Dear

British builders - what a bunch of geniuses (or should that be genii?)