Return Of The Mark

It's been a good long while since I actually wrote anything worthwhile on this farflung outpost of the worldwide interweb.

(Some might say I've never written anything worthwhile on this farflung outpost of the worldwide interweb, and they'd probably be right.)

For far too long now, all I've been posting here are links, photographs and videos that amuse or entertain me.

I'm not entirely sure when the rot set in. I've just had no inspiration to put pen to paper (or fingers to keys) and write anything here for a few months. It's not from lack of potential material - in the last few weeks I've been to London, Bute, Oslo and Inveraray. I've seen a sensational performance of Waiting For Godot starring Ian McKellen and Patrick Stewart. I've stood on the roof of St Paul's Cathedral. I've been the to the top of Besseggen. I've sung Elvis songs onstage at a wedding reception and Pulp songs in a Rothesay pub.

But for some reason, none of this has tempted me into adding new posts here. Maybe because I spend a long working week writing, I can't be bothered firing up the laptop and churning out more tripe.

Maybe I'm like Austin Powers and simply missing my mojo. I've long harboured ambitions of writing a novel, but every idea I have seems already to have been done. And if I can't write a couple of hundred words as a blog post, what hope do I have of writing something more substantial?

So I guess that I should start with baby steps - actually writing real posts here instead of simply posting photographs of people taking the piss out of Neil Lennon.

I very much doubt that anyone is still checking in here at all - if I can't be bothered stopping by, I doubt anyone else is. So I may be writing this to myself. But hey, baby steps....

George Burley's Leaving Do - Exclusive Picture

It was announced last night that George Burley's contract as Scotland football manager had been cancelled with immediate effect by the SFA.

 

An impromptu leaving party was held, as this exclusive picture shows.

Fine Effort

 

Footballers On Facebook

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Rio Ferdinand: going to hit the Amsterdam cafes before the game, who's in?
Gareth Barry likes this
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Bobby Zamora rejected Phil Brown's friend request
Fraizer Campbell rejected Phil Brown's friend request
Marc-Antoine Fortune rejected Phil Brown's friend request
Michael Owen rejected Phil Brown's friend request
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Arsene Wenger is not worried about his lack of transfers this summer as he has internal solutions 1 hour ago

Alexander Song Billong likes this
Visakri Diaby likes this
Denilson likes this
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Joleon Lescott has to go to work tomorrow : ( 13 minutes ago

Craig Bellamy has joined the group Money is ruining football

- Benjani likes this
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Alberto Aquilani: Oh no! I've just had my new house robbed!!!
Steven Gerrard, Jerzy Dudek, John-Arne Riise, Lucas Leiva, Dirk Kuyt, Peter Crouch, Jose Reina and Daniel Agger like this

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Sat'day random drinks n' antics LOLZ

Ledley King has been tagged
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Ashley C can't find his fone, can some1 give it a buzz for us?

Jermaine Jenas likes this
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Roque Santa Cruz is looking forward to starting on Saturday

Craig Bellamy is looking forward to starting on Saturday

Carlos Tevez is looking forward to starting on Saturday

Emmanuel Adebayor is looking forward to starting on Saturday

Robinho is looking forward to starting on Saturday

Benjani is looking forward to starting on Saturday

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Joleon Lescott became a fan of money.

Gareth Barry likes this
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Marcus Bent is hoping to start at Old Trafford - 1 hour ago
Sir Alex Ferguson Likes This.
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Andy Goram became friends with Andy Goram
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Jamie Redknapp is literally on facebook
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Frank Lampard is LOLing at Stevie G - 3 hours ago 3 comments

-Steven Gerrard ****** off Lamps

-Rio Ferdinand oi oi epic banter lads

-Steven Gerrard did he dedicate the banter to his Mum
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Mike Ashley My evil plan is almost complete.
Niall Quinn & Peter Reid like this.
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Glen Johnson is looking at new toilet seats in B&Q
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Tomas Rosisky is fit and loving life! can't wait for the new season 1 week ago

Tomas Rosisky is depressed
3 days ago
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Samir Nasri is watching Top Gear on Dave. Cheers Abou
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David Moyes is skint

Mark Hughes likes this
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Didier Drogba poked Jens Lehmann 3 years ago

Jens Lehmann went down holding his face

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Rio Ferdinand feels like a prick after his mistake tonight 10 mins ago
Dirk Kuyt likes this
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mark hughes sent jolean lescott invitation to join the group 'Mancity'

invite was rejected

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Steven Gerrard has created a group, "Court, it's fucking easy!"

Eric Cantona does not like this
Joey Barton does not like this

Facebook Fail

 

When I Get To The Bottom I Go Back To The Top

Some men, as they leave their youthful days of drinking and chasing women behind them, develop hobbies - pottering about in the garden, devoting more time to sports, collecting things or building model railways.

 

Taking the last of those hobbies further, John Ivers decided to build his own fully-functional roller coaster in his back garden.

 

There's a fine line between genius and madness....

Sunday Soul: James Brown - If I Ruled The World

Wonder Woman

Megan Fox as Wonder Woman. MmmmmmmHmmmmm.

Monkey Business

And yes, I do know it's an ape, not a monkey.

Home, Home On The Range

Mrs Wife and I have just returned from a hectic few days in London. We had originally booked the trip to see Michael Jackson at the O2, which had been scheduled for Wednesday, but as we'd bought and paid for flights and hotel, we decided to have the holiday anyway.

And, in the space of five days in the capital, we:

• Went to the Comedy Store's improv night, where we were entertained by the hilarious talents of Josie Lawrence, Andy Smart, Lee Simpson, Suki Webster, Richard Vranch and Stephen Frost.
• Dined at the Hard Rock Cafe with Baby Brother and his girlfriend (who had been due to see Jacko's concert with us).
• Visited the Tower of London, Tower Bridge, the London Tombs, St Paul's Cathedral, Covent Garden and Camden Market.
• Took a cruise along the Thames from Westminster to Greenwich.
• Saw Ian McKellen and Patrick Stewart (or Gandalf and Jean Luc Picard or Magneto and Professor Xavier depending on your own personal geek persuasion) in Waiting For Godot at the Theatre Royal.
• Attended, at Mrs Wife's request, We Will Rock You, which wasn't as bad as I had thought it might be.
• Avoided a Biblical downpour by spending £27(!) on cinema tickets for Transformers 2. Which seemed almost identical to the first one, but with more gratuitous shots of Megan Fox's cleavage - ie it was pretty darn good.
• Met up with Mrs Wife's cousin and a friend of mine from my university days that I haven't seen in more than seven years for a boozy afternoon in Theatreland.

All in all, a pretty productive, if tiring, five days.

Time For T

In the next few hours, I'll be setting off, via Falkirk, for T In The Park.

By my own reckoning, this will be my ninth T In The Park, but my first since 2006. While my brain remains free of the imminent alcoholic fug, here are my thoughts on each of the previous eight I've attended.

1997: My first festival, and T In The Park's first at Balado, near Kinross. My two friends and I take scandalously little drink and are generally unprepared for what awaits us. Highlights include Saturday headliners Kula Shaker and The Charlatans, while the weekend ends with a second tent jam-packed for John Squire's post-Roses band The Seahorses.

1998: Saturday's highlights include Audioweb and Super Furry Animals, who are so good that instead of going to see headliners The Prodigy, I instead go to the CD tent, buy a Super Furry Animals bootleg and return to my tent to listen to it. The rain came in the middle of the night and never stopped. My two friends bailed for home mid-afternoon on the Sunday, but I was determined to stick it out, despite the thigh-high mud, just to see Ian Brown. I cadge a lift home from two girls from school and get home around 2am, having been mesmerised by Brown's fantastic performance.

1999: This was my first year attending with folks from uni, one of whom I'll be sharing a tent with this weekend. I can't actually remember too much about what bands I saw, although I do remember Nicky Wire trashing the stage and giving away James Dean Bradfield's white fender guitar after the Manic Street Preachers' headline set.

2000: Mrs Wife (then known as Miss Girlfriend) and one of her friends accompany me to Balado to see Travis, Moby, Ocean Colour Scene and Beth Orton. I have no recollection of rain, but that line-up is hardly the most rock'n'roll, is it? Although I've just looked up the full line-up online and it seems we chose not to see Muse or The Flaming Lips....

2001: The first year in which the three of attending this year went together. Again, my overall recollections are hazy, but I do remember seeing Paul Weller's acoustic set. Having suffered through the whole of Wheatus' horror show, Weller promptly came on stage and started flexing his ego, playing Style Council songs and little-known solo work. Then Noel Gallagher joined in, they played That's Entertainment and everything was right with the world. Stereo MC's were also among the surprisingly fantastic acts.

2002: I left for T In The Park 2002 immediately after graduating, eschewing a night on the piss with my fellow graduands for a night eating cold food in a muddy field. The sound quality at the main stage was woeful, turning Oasis' headline set into a faint swirling noise. It also had the same effect on Primal Scream. Doves and The Cooper Temple Clause were both brilliant though.

By 2003, Mrs Wife and I were saving hard for a trip around the world. And by 2004, we were in Australia.

So by 2005, having returned from foreign climes, I was ready for a return to T In The Park. A huge group of us from Brechin set off together and turned a large part of the campsite into our own compound, cordoned off with yellow and black police tape. One of the most enjoyable Ts in terms of the pre-festival banter, plus the weather held out, which is always a bonus. Yet again, Super Furry Animals and Ian Brown are amongst the bands I see, although Ian Brown throws a strop early on during his set and storms off, having played a few Stone Roses songs. Still a great weekend though.

2006: Mrs Wife (who by this time is the newly-appointed Mrs Wife) again accompanies me, and I'm lucky enough to have a free press pass this time. Sound quality at the main stage again plays an unwelcome part, ruining the Arctic Monkeys and Hard-Fi sets, but The Who more than make up for it.

And, for a variety of reasons (primarily the £200 cost of a ticket and the number of neds) I've not been since.

Who knows what T In The Park 2009 will bring? I'm hoping to see Nick Cave, Jane's Addiction and Blur, but aside from that, the weekend is a blank canvas.

Sunday Soul: Aretha Franklin - Respect

The First Lady of Soul giving a thunderous performance of her signature tune - the faster tempo really makes this version stand out.

An Unwelcome Lift

Today, for the first time in my 29 years roaming the Earth, I found myself stuck in a lift.

Returning from a lunchtime game of five-a-side football, myself and five colleagues decided that, instead of climbing the stairs from the basement of our building, we would take the lift to our second floor office.

Upon entering the lift, just as we were about to begin our ascent, one of my colleagues jumped up and down a few times to shake the lift for a laugh. But in doing so it seemed he tripped a brake.

We had only barely started moving when the lift came to an abrupt halt. Pressing the buttons for any of the building's eight floors had no effect. And so it was with some reluctance that we pressed the alarm button.

The gentleman on the other end assured us that help would be on its way imminently. Which left the six of us crammed in the lift with nothing to do except wait.

Having just returned from a strenuous game of football in a hot sports hall, we were all already sweating before entering the lift. But the enclosed space, which had no air conditioning and little ventilation meant that only a short time elapsed before all six of us were sweating buckets. And shortly after that, condensation started pouring down the elevator's mirrored walls.

The banter flowed freely while we were locked in our tiny metal cell. Although when we began to discuss which of us would be eaten first if we were trapped in the lift overnight, and five of us agreed that we'd start with our small Chinese colleague "because he'd be leanest", I could sense that the colleague in question became just a tad more concerned.

Finally, after what seemed a lifetime, but was only really 25 minutes, the engineer prised the doors opne, allowing us to gulp down some fresh air. And bask in a round of applause from our assembled colleagues.

Leaving the office today, I took the stairs.

Legends Join Forces

Neil Young joined by Paul McCartney during his performance of A Day In The Life at Hyde Park two nights ago.

I was at Neil's Aberdeen concert last week, and it was one of the best I've been at in a long time - even without Macca guesting.

Sunday Soul: Michael Jackson - Billie Jean

It may not, strictly speaking, be soul music, but today's video couldn't be anything else.

Mrs Wife and I were due to see Michael Jackson in concert at the O2 Arena in London in three weeks' time, and I'm absolutely gutted that we'll now never have the chance.

This is the King of Pop's live televised coronation from the Motown 25th birthday party, when he performed the moonwalk for the first time in front of an audience.

You Want To See WHAT?

I've posted fairly frequently in the past on the Google search terms that bring you strange denizens of the worldwide interweb to this far-flung outpost.

Two strange search queries directed punters this way earlier today (click on pictures to make them bigger):

First up, "sniffing sweaty jock cups". Beautiful. Just beautiful. Well man, whatever gets you off...
Then, perhaps even more disturbing:

Seriously, why would anyone want naked pictures of Ian Durrant? This search term has actually popped up here before.

You're a sick bunch....

Friday Ten - My Ten Favourite Michael Jackson Songs

In Memoriam.

 

1: Billie Jean

 

2: Smooth Criminal

 

3: Beat It

 

4: Man In The Mirror

 

5: Bad

 

6: Leave Me Alone

 

7: Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough

 

8: Rockin' Robin

 

9: The Girl Is Mine

 

10: Thriller

A Day At The Circus

Music history is littered with over-reaching statements bearing no relation to hard fact.

 

John Lennon claimed, at the height of The Beatles' fame, that they were bigger than Jesus. Keeping up his own Fabs-robbing legacy, Noel Gallagher later went one better, saying Oasis were bigger than the Messiah's own daddy.

 

Paul Weller, upon hearing that John Peel had declared The White Stripes' Jack White to be "the new Hendrix" responded by saying "That old cunt should know better".

 

And though he was a fictional comedy character, Alan Partridge's assertion that Wings were "the band The Beatles could have been" can never be forgotten.

 

So today, when I state that Take That are as close as this generation may get to having its own Beatles, my tongue is only partially in my cheek. And my second assertion, that Take That are the live band The Beatles could have been, will no doubt be ridiculed.

 

When Mrs Wife's friend had to pull out of attending the last of Take That's three Glasgow concerts on Sunday, I was drafted in as a last minute substitute. I had no qualms about attending, but said all along that I would rather see a genuine fan take the ticket. But when no such fan could be found at such short notice, I made the trip to Hampden, little more than a week before I'm due to go there to see AC/DC.

 

We made the mistake of entering the stadium when the gates opened at 4pm, unaware that opening act Gary Go wasn't due onstage until around 7pm. As a result, we spent far too long standing in the heat and in the midst of a crowd that wasn't so much moshpit as menopause pit.

 

But enough of the preamble - why am I making ridiculous claims that Take That are this generation's Beatles?

 

Firstly, the show itself. Based around a Circus theme, in tribute to the band's latest album of the same name, I have never seen such a vast and complex set up for a gig. I've seen stadium gigs by The Rolling Stones, The Eagles, Bon Jovi, Oasis and U2, but the shows put on by all of those members of the stadium rock elite pale into near insignificance when compared with the sheer scale of Take That's Circus. A troupe of dancers, jugglers, trapeze artists, acrobats, tightrope walkers and other assorted circus performers formed an intricate part of the show. As did a full-size mechanical elephant that rose from the second stage.

 

The opening sequence saw these circus performers take a long walk from the main stage to the second stage, evoking a psychedelic take on a Victorian circus that brought to mind The Beatles' work around 1967 - think Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite turned into a Yellow Submarine-style live action movie and you're getting close.

 

Amongst all this hoo-ha, a vast cloud of balloons made its way to the second stage, and at the crescendo of this introduction, the balloons rose to reveal the four members of Take That dressed in black militaristic uniforms that fell somewhere between those worn by The Beatles on the cover of Sgt Pepper and those sported by My Chemical Romance in their Black Parade phase.

 

And it's that showmanship that leads me to my claim that Take That are the live band The Beatles could have been.

 

If, instead of splitting, The Beatles had gone the way of the Rolling Stones and become a massive globe-touring stadium band, I can imagine that their show, or sections of it at least, would be similar to what Take That put on for Circus - pageantary, the idea of making a show a real event, a huge psychedelic video screen as a backdrop and a lot of matey, self-deprecating banter.

 

So perhaps you'll forgive the comparison - is it so difficult to imagine The Beatles, had history played out differently, playing to a million people in the space of a month on a UK stadium tour, backed by one of the most lavish stages ever built?

 

But that still leaves my second claim unanswered - that Take That, musically, could be as close as this generation will get to a Beatles of its own.

 

First off, I don't mean for a second that Take That have anything like the genius of The Beatles.

 

But few bands ever rise to a stage where they can play to packed stadia night after night. And while there were definitely considerably more women in Hampden last night, there was also a substantial number of men - all of whom, I'd imagine, could probably name 10 or more Take That songs (and, dare I say it, sing along).

 

The only other British band of a similar age group to Take That with the ability to effortlessly fill stadia and have all 55,000 people sing along with their songs is Oasis. But Oasis perhaps don't have the same across the board appeal - you can't imagine two parents taking their primary school age son and daughter to see Oasis, can you?

 

And so it comes to pass that I, a massive Beatles fan who should definitely know better, have just spent a rather lengthy blog post discussing Take That without actually mentioning any of their music - including the rather special Back For Good and Shine, both of which could probably slot fairly comfortably into The Beatles' back catalogue - and reaching the conclusion that they're the post-Millenial Beatles.

 

I'm blaming the Scottish summer sunshine....

Sunday Soul: Sam and Dave - Soul Man

We couldn't have some Sunday Soul without featuring this soul anthem at some point. Cracking live performance from Sam and Dave in Finland where they "are giving it to the grumpy Finns the hard way".

Need For Speed

Classy new advert from Vodafone featuring Lewis Hamilton, Heikki Kovalainen and Barry from EastEnders.