Season 2010/2011: Match 10: Montrose v Arbroath

Some days it's great being a football fan. Days when your team wins, when the sun shines, when you can revel in the camaraderie of your fellow supporters.

And some days it's totally shite being a football fan. Days when you watch your favourite team lose 2-0 at home to their fiercest rivals, sitting alone in a pub drinking £2 pints of Coke because your mate didn't turn up. Then subjecting yourself to freezing conditions while the team you follow week in, week out lose five goals and two men in a local derby.

Aye, some days it's shite being a football fan.

The Old Firm match was crap, neither side truly looked up for it, but the Mhanky Mhob got the win thanks to a brace from greasy Greek Giorgios Samaras. Rangers had the better of the first half but were garbage in the second. Celtic are top of the league but Rangers can leapfrog them by winning their two games in hand.

After that wasted 90 minutes I headed to Links Park for Montrose v Arbroath. A lively game looked like going Montrose's way around 20 minutes in when they had a few chances in quick succession.

But Arbroath scored twice in seven minutes, Montrose had Chris Hegarty sent off and the second half saw an epic collapse. Gordon Pope joined Hegarty in the early bath for a second yellow and the nine-man hosts ended up losing 5-0.

By the end, the Montrose end of the North Sea Nou Camp was nearly empty and Arbroath's fans were bouncing around and taking the piss with gleeful abandon. The visitors were well worthy of their win, although referee Des Roache had an awful match. If Hegarty was sent off for his foul on Gibson, then it was harsh, although the defender did himself no favours by shoving the official out of the road and storming off in a huff.

Pope talked himself into the book for his first yellow card and committed a needless foul for his second.

About the only plus point was Sandy Wood saving a Swankie penalty to deny the striker a hat-trick, then recovering brilliantly to block Danny Griffin's volley from the rebound.

Dire. Absolutely dire. Lots of shouts for Montrose manager Steven Tweed to resign at the final whistle, and he may be losing the crowd irreparably.

Man of the Match: Hahahahahaha. Aye, right. Hegarty might have been worth considering if he'd stayed on the park, as his crosses were looking decent until he was sent off. He might even have made it if he'd given Paul Sheerin or referee Roache a thump on the nose on his way off. I suppose I could give it to Martin Boyle for running around a bit, or Sandy Wood for saving the penalty (that he conceded). Ach, bugger it. Hegarty it is, for emptying Gibson then having a hissy fit that threatened to spark a brawl.

The 2010 Jock Awards

It's Christmas time, there's no need to be afraid.....it's time for the annual trip through my brain to see what's been keeping me entertained this year.

 

The Stone Roses Award for Album of the Year: (Nominees: Tame Impala - Innerspeaker; Warpaint - Fool; Massive Attack - Heligoland; Arcade Fire - The Suburbs; I Am Kloot - Sky At Night)

In a world where my favourite bands are starting to pack it in for good with frightening regularity, I don't think 2010 has been a vintage year for long players. Of those that have stirred me, Warpaint's Fool is the best, a proggy, bass-driven collage of melodies from four LA rock chicks.

 

The Strawberry Fields Forever Award for Single of the Year: (Nominees: Plan B - She Said; Mark Ronson & The Business Int'l - Bike Song; Warpaint - Undertow; Scrooge & Marley - I Don't Want It To Be Me)

I've not been entirely blown away by the quality of singles on offer this year either. The Streets' Mike Skinner and The Music's Rob Harvey collaborating on the Christmas track I Don't Want It To Be Me comes close, as does the little hairy oik from The View singing with Mark Ronson's image restoration project on Bike Song. But the catchiest, most soulful and snappiest track of the year is undeniably Plan B's She Said, transforming the man himself from acoustic hip-hop agitator into crooning soul legend.

 

The Rolling Stones Award for Live Act of the Year: (Nominees: The Black Keys, Black Mountain, Eminem, Paul McCartney, Muse)

I'm going to sound like a right miserable bastard if this continues, but I've not seen a lot of great live music this year. Having seen Dylan, Young, AC/DC, Them Crooked Vultures and Take That last season, 2010 was always going to struggle to keep up. Muse and Macca tower over the others. Another year, Muse might have won. But this was the first time I'd seen a Beatle in the flesh. A slowish start, but when Macca gets into his greatest hits stride, there's not an act on Earth could come close. The setlist is here - look at the run from Band On The Run onwards. Let It Be into Live and Let Die into Hey Jude is probably as good a 15 minutes of live music as I've ever seen.

 

The Goodfellas Award for Movie of the Year: (Nominees: Inception, Kick Ass, Iron Man 2, The A-Team, Toy Story 3)

Quite a decent year for movies, even if not all of my nominees would necessarily trouble the Oscars judging panel. All of them would be worthy winners, and Inception's maybe slightly pretentious dream-thief plot might have been my choice on another day. But today I'm going for Kick Ass, because I love Mark Millar's work, loved the comics on which it's based and thought the movie made a remarkable job of bringing them to life.

 

The Knight Rider Award for TV Programme of the Year: (Nominees: The Walking Dead, Spooks, Misfits, The Event)

Another good year in TV, and my favourites all seem to have a sci-fi, action or comic books theme. Misfits is very funny and would be a worthy winner, but the adaptation of The Walking Dead is magnificent (although I'm not sure why Andrew Lincoln got the nod to play an Atlanta policeman). But the interpretation of a zombie-filled southern US is incredible.

 

The Marilyn Monroe Award for Babe of the Year: (Nominees: Salma Hayek, Cheryl Cole, Michelle Keegan, Holly Willoughby)

As always, Mrs Wife is the hands-down winner of this category, and is looking even more radiant in pregnancy. So the well-deserved runner-up this year is another pregnant beauty, Holly Willoughby. Why? Here's why.

 

The Jet Set Willy Award for Computer Game of the Year: (Nominees: The Beatles Rock Band, Football Manager 2010, Super Mario Brothers Wii, Goldeneye)

In a shock twist, I haven't actually bought the newest incarnation of Football Manager, as I'm very happily still playing FM10. I've enjoyed The Beatles Rock Band a lot, given that it blends two of my favourite things (jumping about like a prat and singing like a donkey going through a jet engine). I've enjoyed Super Mario Brothers Wii even more, but I'm going to give the award to Goldeneye, which I won't get to play until tomorrow, and only then if Santa thinks I've been good. But I've been waiting for this game for more than a decade. It can't possibly fail....

 

The Godfather III Award for Biggest Disappointment of the Year: (Nominees: Eminem - Recovery; Tame Impala - Innerspeaker; Beady Eye - Bring The Light)

Nothing too majorly disappointing this year. Although I nominated Tame Impala for album of the year, I also felt that it could have been so much better. The early songs I heard promised a lot, but I thought the album itself had a bit of filler on it. But that was nothing compared with the half-baked gibberish of Recovery, lauded by some as a return to form by Marshall. A couple of good tracks, but nothing more.

 

The Screamadelica Award for Scottish Album of the Year: (Nominees: Miyagi - Electrosaurus)

One nominee, the deserved winners being my favourite Edinburgh-based acoustic-electric-cello-sax-singing-drummer band. The only band in the country who would ever let me play guiro on stage with them.

 

 

 

Six-Month Countdown

Six months today (according to the best estimates of People Who Know About These Things at the NHS), Mrs Wife and I will have our world thrown into chaos with the arrival of our first Jockling.

 

It's been a long time happening - we originally planned to increase the size of our family back in 2008, but thanks to wonky genes we discovered that our chances of conceiving naturally were exactly 0%.

 

Since then we've been through a series of tests and procedures that have variously been invasive, demoralising and depressing.

 

But the miracles of science have prevailed. Thanks to the wonderful people at Ninewells Hospital's Assisted Conception Unit, Jockling #1 is currently scheduled for arrival on June 11.

 

Medical science truly is incredible. If we'd been born 30 years earlier, we'd have had no chance of ever having a baby of our own. We might never have found out for sure that there was a problem.

 

Instead, we are now looking forward to welcoming a child that is half me and half Mrs Wife into the world.

 

Excited doesn't even begin to cover it. We're past the crucial 12 weeks period and Jockling #1 is the right size. At our 12 week scan it was jumping about like Mario on a particularly good day of coin collecting and mushroom guzzling. It was also sucking its thumb between bounces.

 

Mrs Wife has still to warm to my suggested name of Laudrup McCoist Hateley Durrant Gascoigne, or John Lennon if it's a boy, but I've got six months to work on that.

 

And have as many nights out, attend as many gigs and get as much sleep as I can.

Friday Ten: My Ten Favourite Oasis Songs

(Or my ten favourite right this second anyway)

 

1: Supersonic

 

2: Acquiesce

 

3: Live Forever

 

4: Morning Glory

 

5: Champagne Supernova

 

6: Fuckin' In The Bushes

 

7: The Importance Of Being Idle

 

8: Talk Tonight

 

9: D'You Know What I Mean?

 

10: Whatever

Movember: Day 30: Mover and Out

30 motastic days are now up. The picture above is the last of my moustache in all its dubious glory.


Moing, mowing....A tribute to Charlie Chaplin (a style also adopted by some other less talented fella).


...gone. The first time in 30 days my face has been clean-shaven. I feel naked without my mouzer.

Thanks to all who have donated and helped me raise almost £500 for prostate cancer research. It's not too late to donate, just follow this link.

Movember: Day 26

And now the end is near....just four more days of moustacheness to go before I can shave it off.

Please support prostate cancer research by sponsoring my disturbing moustache here.

Season 2010/2011: Match 9: Montrose v Whitehill Welfare

Montrose got back to winning ways yesterday with a 3-1 win over East of Scotland League side Whitehill Welfare.

The result wasn't anywhere as comfortable as the scoreline suggests, Montrose competing against 10 men from the 38th minute onwards and scoring two of their goals from the penalty spot.

It was a fast-paced game, but Montrose seemed to lack composure throughout, resorting to long punts up the pitch when their numerical advantage should have given them licence to pass the ball around and dictate the pace.

The home side were a goal down inside eight minutes, Daniele Giordano having a rush of blood to the head. The goalkeeper made a mess of a clearance, sending it straight to an unmarked midfielder on the edge of the box and watching helplessly as the ball was sent straight back over his head and into the empty net.

The goal was against the run of play, but Montrose struggled to come back from it. They evantually scored an equaliser when Tosh netted from the spot after he had been tripped in the box by Alan Cornet.

It was deja vu for Whitehill in the 38th minute when Tosh again scored from the spot, this time after Cornet had picked up his second yellow card for handball.

Playing against 10 men, Montrose should have dominated the second half, but it took them until the 75th minute to find the third goal that killed off this Scottish Cup Third Round tie, Gordon Pope volleying home from a Ross McCord corner.

All in all, it was a deserved win that was reached in a more roundabout fashion than was necessary. A couple of injury worries as well, Hugh Davidson again limping off injured in the first half and Giordano swapped for Sandy Wood 15 minutes from the end.

But we're into the Fourth round. Let's hope the draw brings Rangers to Links Park.

Man of the Match: A fast-paced match suited some of Montrose's more attack-minded players, including Aaron Sinclair, Martin Boyle (given a much-deserved starting place) and Paul Tosh. Stephen McNally was also a constant creative hub. But Ross McCord was at the heart of all of Montrose's attacking moves, and was unlucky not to score himself. The youngster is really growing in confidence and should have a good future ahead of him.

Movember: Day 20

At Eric's request - a Movember update. Please support prostate cancer research by sponsoring my facial hair growth at the Movember website.

Genius or Madness?

In this case - 75-year-old William Lyttle has been digging tunnels underneath his Hackney house for 40-odd years - I think the correct term is madness....

Movember: Day 11

Day 11 - at least it looks like I'm TRYING to grow a moustache now....

....please support prostate cancer research by sponsoring my pathetic moustache at the Movember website.

Egghead

If any of you odd denizens of the Blogosphere have nothing better to do tomorrow evening (Thursday November 11), you can see my televisual debut on BBC2 at 6pm, when the episode of Eggheads my colleagues and I filmed in January will be broadcast.

Read Or Dead Redemption

A brief overview of what I've been reading over the past few weeks:

 

New Moon - Stephenie Meyer
I thought that the second instalment of the Twilight saga was better than the first, with a greater range of characters and better development of the existing cast. Two down, two to go....

 

The Rum Diary - Hunter S. Thompson
Autobiographical novel of a young American journalist who moves to Puerto Rico for a life of work, rum, sex and brushes with the law. An early example of the grandfather of Gonzo at his best.

 

The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo - Stieg Larsson
The first novel of the Millennium trilogy. A wide-ranging novel of industrial espionage, a decades-old murder mystery case and a whole raft of misfits from the Swedish criminal classes. Almost worth the hype and enough to keep me hooked for the two sequels.

 

Moab Is My Washpot - Stephen Fry
Autobiography covering the first 20 years of Britain's favourite Oxbridge-educated, gay ex-convict TV presenter. Fry has no hesitation in exploring his many flaws, prime amongst them appearing to be kleptomania. An excellent read containing both humour and pathos.

 

Eclipse - Stephenie Meyer
The third part of the Twilight quadrilogy and my favourite so far. Much faster-paced than its two prequels, more action and less of Bella's previously incessant pining after Edward. Certain parts actually made me laugh out loud, but I'm not entirely sure they were meant to.

 

Hitman: My Real Life In The Cartoon World Of Professional Wrestling - Bret "The Hitman" Hart
Fantastic look at the real lives behind the curtain in the World of the WWF/WWE. It would be a cliche to say it was a "no holds barred" account of possibly the world's greatest wrestler's life, but Hart is quick to expose the faults of, amongst others, Hulk Hogan and The Ultimate Warrior. Humour, anger, despair and revenge all appear in a great read.

 

Breaking Dawn - Stephenie Meyer
And we're done. A monster of a final instalment in the Twilight 'saga' brought most of the plotlines to a close, although I was a bit disappointed that it ended with a democratic stand-down rather than all-out supernatural warfare. Hopefully Meyer will leave it there....

 

On The Road - Jack Kerouac
I failed to see what all the fuss is about while reading the defining novel of the beat generation. To be honest, I found On The Road pretty dull, and wasn't inspired by either Sal Paradise or Dean Moriarty. A disappointment.

 

Equal Rites - Terry Pratchett

The third journey onto the Discworld, and much better than its predecessor The Light Fantastic. It was good to have a change of focus from Rincewind, the star of the first two books. Thoroughly enjoyable.

 

Movember: Day Eight

Not quite up to Graeme Souness standards just yet....

Season 2010/2011: Match 8: Montrose v Albion Rovers

There are some matches that defy all superlatives, about which it would be possible to wax lyrical for innumerable blog posts.

And there are others, like yesterday's Montrose vs Albion Rovers encounter, that are so forgettable that it's almost possible to actually forget you're at the football while you're watching them.

Yesterday's game was crap, and not just because Montrose slipped to their first defeat in seven games.

Albion scored twice in the first half, both times with the Montrose defence posted missing. The first was from former Montrose striker John Gemmell and the second from Robert Love.

Montrose had the best of the first half hour but couldn't put the ball into the net, then let their concentration slip in the closing 15 minutes of the first half.

They were better in a boring second half but struggled to create chances. The players can have no complaints as yet again they only looked like chasing the game after going behind.

I think I can understand Steven Tweed's rationale behind always starting Martin Boyle on the bench - the young lad has pace to burn and this becomes even more apparent when he's introduced as a second half substitute as others are flagging. But he always looks the most lively player when he comes on, and I think it's about time he was given a chance from the start against the....ahem...."less mobile" Paul Tosh.

Man of the Match: A poor collective performance and no really outstanding candidates. Ross McCord was involved in most of the things Montrose tried to do right, so I'll go with the wee ginger midfielder.

Celtic: Best Fans In The World

There are no depths too low for "The Greatest Fans In The World".

Click on the picture to make it bigger.

Movember: Day Five

Five days without shaving my upper lip and we're beginning to see some progress.

Not progress in the "straight out of a 1970s porn movie" way, but more like a 14-year-old boy trying to get served in an off licence.

Please support my pathetic facial hair-growing efforts by sponsoring me here - all money raised goes to prostate cancer research.

The Death Of Print

I studied journalism at university, and between shorthand classes and tutorials on how to write quality news copy, we had numerous discussions over our four-year course debating the future of print journalism.

 

Broadly speaking, there were two camps - those who felt that print's days were numbered, and those who felt that so long as newspapers were cheap and disposable, they would remain a relevant medium.

 

Generally, I'm in the second group - newsprint's disposablity is its major draw. If you accidentally leave a newspaper on a train, get it soaked in a rain shower or drop it in the bath, you might be disappointed, but it's not the end of the world. You've lost something worth between 20p and £2.

 

Drop your Kindle in the bath or leave it on the train and, not only are you an idiot, but you're a few hundred quid worse off.

 

All of which is a very long preamble to this blog piece predicting a timeline for the global death of newspapers.

 

Ross Dawson expects the UK to be a newspaper-free zone by 2019.

 

Nine more years of print journalism? I don't see it.

 

Particularly at a local level, newspapers provide a vital service that hasn't yet been replicated online. While the majority of the population might have internet access, online news platforms don't yet have the same penetration that newspapers do. And people remain loathe to pay for online content.

 

Maybe I'm wrong, maybe the revolution will be over before I turn 40. The publishing company I work for now provides very few printed products, having moved largely to online delivery or electronic documents. But we're in a high-value niche market where clients are geared towards such methods.

 

I believe that newspapers will be around for another few decades at least.

 

Perhaps most importantly of all - you can't wrap your chips in an iPad and you can't dry out wet shoes with a rolled-up Kindle.

Movember: Day One

I don't often post extreme close-up pictures of myself here, but this one has a purpose.

It proves that I'm clean shaven today for the start of Movember.

For the whole of November I'll be growing a moustache to support prostate cancer research.

Prostate cancer kills one man every hour in the UK alone. So I'd be extremely grateful if you could support my fundraising efforts by donating whatever you can at:

https://www.movember.com/uk/donate/your-details/member_id/524824/

I'll be posting regular photographic updates on here so you can keep track of my facial hair. As I've got the fresh face of a teenage boy, the results may be somewhere between comical and spectacular.

Friday Ten - The 10 Most Played Songs On My iPod

1. Some Velvet Morning - Nancy Sinatra & Lee Hazlewood - 19 plays

2. Straight Outta Compton - Nina Gordon - 15 plays

3. Folsom Prison Blues - Johnny Cash - 14 plays

4. Israelites - Desmond Dekker - 13 plays

5. What Have You Gone and Done? - The Cooper Temple Clause - 12 plays

6. Here It Comes - Doves - 12 plays

7. Suspicious Minds - Elvis Presley - 12 plays

8. Here Come The Girls - Ernie K. Doe - 12 plays

9. Anything Goes - AC/DC - 11 plays

10. Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It) - Beyonce - 11 plays

The Bible II: Messiah

Seeing as how religion has popped up on this far-flung outpost of the worldwide interweb over the past few days, let's keep it going with Five Things You Won't Believe Aren't In The Bible, courtesy of Cracked.com.

 

Including the fantastic comment (from more than 1,500 the last time I looked):

 

Old testament is the first manuscript documenting the actions of the "One God", and the accounts of those who followed and worshipped it.

New testament is what happens when a bunch of people get together and think to themselves "How can we make a sequel, and make it even more awesome and fire-and-brimstoney than the original?"

 

But the greatest fuck-up is when a ruling body decides to get these works of fiction all together, and join them into a single volume (written by different authors) who clearly can't agree on so very many things....

Imagine if Peter Jackson wanted to make a Lord of the Rings II, The Ring Strikes Back!!! And to do this, he got people from the internet to write parts of the script. Every person got to write ten pages, and could have no contact with the other people writing the rest of the script. The resulting mess (would probably be a box office smash...) would be the equivalent of the New Testament.