Saturday, February 27, 2010

Season 2009/2010: Match 10: Aberdeen v Hearts

Courtesy of a spare season ticket, I accompanied friend to Pit O'Dire today to watch Aberdeen take on fellow SPL shitehawks Hearts.

It was freezing down at the beach, and I was soon thinking better of my decision to accept the free ticket.

From the start, this game had 0-0 written all over it. Aberdeen's midget central midfield were poor and both Kerr and McDonald were lucky to stay on the park for a series of semi-brutal challenges. Darren Mackie remains the world's worst striker. And Hearts are a thuggish side with little in the way of inspiration.

It was a red card that changed the course of the game, Laryea Kingston shown a straight red for a kung fu kick. From there on in, Hearts never looked back, defending in numbers and slicing Aberdeen open more regularly than had been the case with a full team.

They finally took the lead in the second half through an overhead kick, with the Hearts players queuing up to score and the Aberdeen defence missing in action.

Aberdeen became more desperate, but couldn't find an equaliser, let alone a winner.

Neither of these sides has much in the way of class, but Aberdeen should be especially worried given their recent poor run of form. It's still not too late for them to be sucked into a relegation battle.

We can but dream....

Friday, February 26, 2010

Flaming Eck

On this evening's STV news bulletin, Alex Salmond said "I can think of nothing more exciting than living in the North East of Scotland."

I'm willing to test that theory. If anyone has a wad of cash they're not needing, I'll buy a boat and sail it across the Atlantic with Salmond towed behind in an inflatable dinghy.

Arriving in the US, I'll make my way to the next space shuttle launch, attach Eck to the outside of the shuttle with a combination of superglue and staples, paint him in sugar and release a swarm of hornets.

As an added bonus, I'll also set his testicles on fire.

I wonder if he'll be able to imagine anything more exciting than a life in Fraserburgh after that?

Monday, February 22, 2010

Season 2009/2010: Match 9: Montrose v Elgin

I give up.

I've spent a lot of money watching Montrose over the past few years - as I've become fond of saying £140 is a lot of money to watch joiners playing football.

It's even more money to watch them not play football.

Saturday's match was an opportunity for The Worst Team In Scotland to close the gap on The Second Worst Team In Scotland.

Elgin are gash. As are all of the teams in Division Three, with the possible exception of Livingston, who are marginally less gash due to being the only full-time side in the division.

The Montrose team of two seasons ago would have demolished this Elgin side. But that seems like a lifetime ago, and this Montrose side lack confidence, ability, composure and everything else associated with a football team on the up.

It's beyond a joke now. The team and the club are a laughing stock.

I am seriously considering jacking it in. £10 a week to sit in a freezing cold concrete shed to watch whatever random assortment of Toms, Dicks and Harrys Steven Tweed is fielding this week isn't feeling like a sensible decision nowadays. The official attendance was 280 on Saturday, but that was a guess because nobody was bothering to count the poor souls trickeling through the gate. I'd have said it was below 250.

Most people have stopped caring. I include the players in that. The only one who seemed to give a toss got sent off in the first half for a second booking.

Missing Chris Hegarty, the side immediately went into freefall, conceding goals either side of half time. By the time Elgin added a brace in second half injury time, any hope of a comeback was long abandoned.

The Worst Team In Scotland? It's not even a competition any more

Sunday, February 14, 2010


At yesterday's Montrose match, I found myself sitting beside former Brechin City manger Ian Fleming, who led the club to a title way back in 1982.

Afterwards, I was rummaging around the internet trying to find out how long he was at Glebe Park, when I stumbled upon this site - a database listing every UK post war football transfer, as well as the statistics for each player at each club.

The wealth of information here is astounding - just an idle flick through its pages and pages of data makes it look like the work of several lifetimes.

And a quick dip into the Rangers page makes for interesting reading. Erik Bo Andersen hit 15 goals in 23 appearances; Shota Arveladze 44 in 95; Gordon Durie 44 in 125; Gazza 30 in 74; and Mark Hateley 85 in 165 in his first spell at Ibrox.

I had presumed that Durie scored far more than that, and that Gascoigne had played more games. I was also sure that Hateley had scored more than 100 goals for Rangers, although perhaps the total given is for league goals only.

And Terry Hurlock only played 29 games for the club. He was my first Rangers cult hero - stepping out onto the pitch to inflict GBH on whoever came near him. His description as a "Millwall hardman" should have said it all.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Season 2009/2010: Match 8: Montrose v Queen's Park

It's been an interesting couple of weeks in the story of Montrose's season - a first league win followed by a trip to Easter Road for a Scottish Cup skelping.

With the positives from those two performances, neither of which I was able to witness, I was fairly optimistic that today would be the day that Montrose broke their home league duck.

It was a bright, crisp day today and Montrose started with a refreshing spring in their step, testing the Hampden side on a number of occasions.

They finally took the lead in the 36th minute, Paul Tosh netting his fifth goal since moving to Links Park.

Stephen McNally, newly acquired from Forfar, was Montrose's best player, giving the defence an air of solidity from his right back berth. He also came close to an audacious goal, spotting Mark McGeown out of position and forcing the goalkeeper to make a desperate diving save from a 45-yard free kick wide on the right.

But Montrose's omnipresent hesitancies cost them again, the defenders at fault for both of Queen's Park's second half goals.

In the end though, it was dubious refereeing that cost Montrose, with Tosh having two perfectly legitimate goals disallowed for offside.

There were positives in the performance, not least the contributions made by McNally and fellow new signing Stevie Nicholas. But the sooner Montrose see the back of 2009/2010, the better.

Today's crowd - 325. A week after Montrose took 548 fans to Easter Road. Disgusting.

Sunday, February 07, 2010

Breaking News

Groanin' Jock, bringing you all the important things in life - Scottish pussy (apparently), Montrose Football Club and pictures of John Terry.

(Click on the picture to bigify it if necessary.)