Saturday, May 19, 2012


Gary Cahill now has more European Cup winner's medals than Pele, Maradona, Bergkamp, Cantona, Batistuta, Gascoigne, Romario, Baggio and Ronaldo combined.
If anything is evidence that there's no such thing as a fair and loving God, surely that's it.

Friday, May 11, 2012

The Groanin' Jock Montrose FC Player of the Year Award 2011/2012

It's that time of the year again when I look back at the season just finished (for Montrose at least) and determine who is the Groanin' Jock Player of the Year.

It's a systematic process - whoever has been my man of the match most often this season scoops the prize.*

So without any further ado (actually, I don't think there's any ado at all), here are the results:

Martin Boyle 3
Terry Masson 3
Steven McPhee 2
Dougie Cameron 2
Jamie Winter 2
Saaaaaandy Wood 1
Sean Pierce 1
Scott Johnston 1
Garry Wood 1
Michael Andrews 1
Paul Lunan 1

For the second consecutive year, we have a tie, and for the second consecutive year Martin Boyle is in joint first place, this time with Terry Masson.

It would be tough to pick between the two. Up until the last game of the season, Masson would have had my vote as player of the year, with a cracking season in the middle of the park, doing more than his fair share of the donkey work while Jamie Winter fired in the goals. Masson also chipped in with a few goals himself, and they were typically zingers.

But then Martin Boyle went and grabbed a last day hat-trick, securing the Ginger Boot in the process. He's already a cracking wee goalscorer, and frighteningly he still misses more chances than he scores. If he continues to develop as quickly as he has done in a Montrose shirt, he'll be live on Sky every weekend before too long.

It's genuinely a tough call, but as it's probably the last time I'll have the opportunity, Martin Boyle is once again the Groanin' Jock Montrose FC Player of the Year.

Notable absentees from the list above? Stephen McNally was probably Montrose's best player last year, but has suffered a terrible dip in form this time around, partly through being played at right back for most of the campaign. He's much better driving the team forward from midfield, and hopefully we can see him back to his best next season.

Less of a shock is the absence of Jonathan "Pob" Beckenbauer Smart. In his own head he's light years ahead of his peers, but four red cards, three of them before the end of August, only hint at the disastrous time he's had at Links Park.

(According to his Twitter account, it's the plastic pitch that's at fault, not him.)

I can't imagine too many of the Montrose faithful will shed a tear at his departure. Farewell Pob.

I've never been convinced by Jonathan Crawford either, and he has a lot of work to do to convince me that he's the answer to any of Montrose's problems. There are no positions in which Montrose don't already have someone better, but as a jack of all trades, I suppose he's decent backup.

And finally, I can't end the season without noting that Dougie "Kneeheid" Cameron was my man of the match twice in the space of three matches. On his day, Dougie has the potential to be Montrose's best player. But he needs to be more disciplined in his positioning, as he has a tendency to go walkabout in the last 20 minutes of a match.

With that, I'll sign off for another season, looking forward to next year's post-Boyle campaign under Stuart Garden/Ralph Brand/Ally McCoist/Andre Villas Boas.

*There is no prize

Wednesday, May 09, 2012

Whiskers On Kittens

A few more of my favourite things.

The bridge/coda from Razorlight's "In The Morning" (from about 3:05 in the video below)

The smell of newly-cut grass on a hot, still, summer's day.

John Frusciante's backing vocals on "Can't Stop":

Baby Girl's giggle

The rumble from my surround sound system at the start of an action movie.

Extra large hoodies.

Sunday, May 06, 2012

Season 2011/2012: Match 22: Montrose 5 Clyde 0 (Irn-Bru Division Three)

This is The End...beautiful friend, The End...

(I'm writing this through a semi-hungover fog, so apologies for inconsistencies, errors, poor spelling, lack of grammar and general shitness).

Last season I made it to 21 matches, this season it was 22, thanks in part to work trips to the big smoke.

At least this season it ended on a high, unlike last year when a few hardy souls watched several Montrose players end their careers in a 4-0 Hampden hiding.

One year on, a few Montrose players, and possibly the manager, called time on their Links Park days with a resounding stroll in the sunshine against a woeful Clyde side.

Martin Boyle blasted his way to the Ginger Boot with a hat-trick, Terry Masson grabbed a goal with a cracking drive and even Alan Campbell got on the scoresheet with a header.

The strangest thing about the match wasn't the centre back getting on the scoresheet then managing to reach his own half in time for the restart, but the choice of pre-match music, which seemed to be a dance compilation from 1993. Brilliantly, it included Technohead's "I Want To Be A Hippy" (I want to be a hippy and I want to get stoned on mari - marijuana).

The local football club advocating the use of Class C drugs? It might take the edge off the performances of Messrs Smart and Cameron anyway...

...except Jonathan Smart didn't even make the team, relegated to the bench alongside Scott Johnston, with Jamie Winter missing out through injury.

The substitutes took part in an impromptu penalty shoot-out at half time, Johnston demonstrating a decent ability between the sticks. And if the players had shown as much effort in the preceding 35 matches of the season as they did during that kick-about, maybe yesterday's match wouldn't have been a chase for eighth place in the league...

Frustratingly, Montrose saved their best performance of the season for the last day of the season, absolutely ripping Clyde to pieces. All of the players selected played well, and there was a drive, hunger and most notably, an assurance that has been missing all too often this season.

Hopefully the core of the side sticks together for next season's push further up the table. I'd definitely like to see Winter, Boyle, Masson, McNally, Young, Lunan, Johnston and both Woods hang around, not to mention Dougie Cameron and Alan Campbell if they can play like they did yesterday more often.

From bottom of the table last season to eighth this year - Montrose are on the up...

If Ray Farningham, as expected, does leave to return to Dundee as assistant manager, I'd be keen to see Stuart Garden move into the hotseat. Otherwise, maybe Ralph Brand would be worth a punt?

Man of the Match: Inevitably, on the day he made sure of the top goalscorer award and scooped six trophies at the end of season bash, Martin Boyle is man of the match. A tremendous hat-trick, including a rare header, if yesterday proves to be Boyler's last match in a Montrose shirt, he went out on a high. He was the first among equals though, with the whole side deserving of praise, particularly Stephen McNally, Lloyd Young and Terry Masson.

Tuesday, May 01, 2012

"A Good Product Which Does What It Says"

A colleague forwarded this link to me, and I've spent the last 20 minutes crying with laughter at my desk, much to the alarm of those sitting near me.

The reviews on this Amazon product page are comedy gold.