Season 2010/2011: Match 5: Montrose v Stranraer

Strange things are afoot in Angus.

Montrose, habitually the lowest of the low in the unparalleled lowness that is Scottish football, have picked up seven points from their last nine, scoring 13 goals and conceding only five.

Today's match was the second part of a double-header with Stranraer, the Gable Endies having returned from darkest Wigtownshire with all three points last week courtesy of a 2-1 win. This return fixture had originally been scheduled for Boxing Day, but the clubs clearly realised that the chances of getting anyone without a serious mental defect to come to Links Park (or, even more obviously, spend ten hours on the road from Stranraer) on Boxing Day to watch joiners and plumbers not playing football were pretty slim. So instead we got a grey October day.

Montrose, as is their more usual style, were honking in the first half, and Stranraer were 2-0 up going on 10-0 up by the break. The visitors had two key men - nippy wee midfielder Scott Agnew, a product of the same Rangers youth team that produced Alan Hutton and John Fleck, and 6'4" French battering ram Armand One.

The Links Park side struggled to cope with either of them, but it was Agnew who was most lively, his passing and shooting wasted at this level of the Scottish game.

Montrose were a goal down inside eight minutes, but the strike should never have counted, One having crashed into Chris Hegarty during the build up. But it did count, and this was the first indication that referee Brian Colvin should have stayed at home.

Stranraer's second came 10 minutes before the break, Scott Bennett failing to hold a low shot that squirmed under him and wriggled across the goal line.

So, Montrose were 2-0 down at the break and their key men were struggling to have any impact. Every time Montrose were in possession, they chose to lump the ball long, where it inevitably found a Stranraer player.

Worse was to come immediately after the restart, Stranraer moving 3-0 ahead when Montrose failed to clear a free kick.

At that stage, it was apparent to me what the weak link was - Steven Tweed. The player manager was making his first appearance since July, and I don't think he had a positive effect on his team mates. I fail to see the logic in breaking up a winning side just so that an ageing centre back with a Messiah complex can stretch his weary legs.

But somehow, Montrose fought back into the match. Paul Tosh scored the first with a delightful curled finish from the edge of the box, Ross McCord blasted a second into the top corner in the 65th minute and Tosh turned creator in the 75th minute, crossing into the box for McNally to head the equaliser.

It was almost like watching a completely different team in the second half. McNally was dreadful in the first half but commanding in the second, and others including Tosh, Hegarty and Sinclair also seemed to come into the game much more after the break.

So, Montrose remain in fifth place in Division Three, six points off the top. I'd have considered any such hope to be very slim even a month ago, but suddenly there seems to be life in the players once again.

It's still early days, but it's the most optimistic I've felt about the club for a long while.

Man of the Match: There were no candidates from the first half, but a few in the second. Stephen McNally, who has been transformed from a right back to a useful central midfielder, impressed in the last quarter, as did Chris Hegarty. Paul Tosh again led the line well and always looked a threat. But I'd go for Ross McCord, the wee ginger midfielder causing problems for Stranraer every time he moved forward with the ball.

Looking at both teams, the real man of the match was Scott Agnew, who commanded the midfield throughout and could easily have had a hat-trick. Far too good to be wasted at this level.

**Edit** - I just remembered the most interesting thing about today's match - former Scotland internationals Rab Douglas and Lee Wilkie were watching the match in the stand this afternoon. Nothing better to do on a Saturday lads?!

Washed Out

When I started this blog, way back in 2006, I lived in Lochgilphead in Argyll.

At the time, I joked that it rained on two days out of every three.

For the past fortnight, Mrs Wife and I have been on holiday in nearby Inveraray, the town where we married (also in 2006).

And I've realised that my "two days out of every three" joke wasn't a joke.

Barely a day has passed without us being subjected to a torrential downpour. Which has meant that we've spent the majority of our time confined to the static caravan where we're staying.

Which, in truth, hasn't been as bad as it sounds. It's been good to get away from home and work for a while, taking with us piles of books and DVDs. The weather has stayed dry long enough for us to have the occasional walk, we've visited a traditional sweetie shop (twice) and we've caught up with family and friends.

But today we head home to what I expect will be a mountain of mail. And Scotland v Czech Republic on TV (which I haven't actually told Mrs Wife about yet....)

Season 2010/2011: Match 4: Montrose v Clyde

Every so often, you get a football game that defies all logic.

Montrose were the worst team in the Scottish Football League last season. Not only did they finish bottom of the bottom division, but they really were awful for most of the season.

Clyde also had a poor season and found themselves relegated from the Second Division.

In theory, a relegated team should be able to assert itself as one of the top sides in its new division the following season. But Clyde haven't been able to do that, and today's match at Links Park was between the two sides propping up all of Scotland's 'professional' teams.

Not so much clash of the titans as clash of the tits, today's match had ineptitude written all over it before kick-off.

The opening spell of the first half mostly involved Clyde attacking and Montrose defending in their usual haphazard style. Little of note happened until midway through the first half when Clyde's Graham Girvan chopped down Aaron Sinclair on the edge of the box as the young winger was bearing down on goal. The Clyde man was shown a straight red card, but Ross McCord thumped the resultant free kick against the crossbar.

Having a numerical advantage should have counted in Montrose's favour, but those of us who subject ourselves to Links Park on a frequent basis know better than to assume Montrose are capable of making the best of any given situation.

But even the pessimists amongst us were given cause to look on the bright side just two minutes after Girvan's red card when he was joined in the early bath by Ross McMillan.

In one of the strangest episodes I've ever seen in football, McMillan hacked down Paul Tosh as the striker was preparing to shoot from near the penalty spot. Referee Des Roache initially booked Tosh for diving and awarded Clyde a free kick, but after consulting with his linesman decided to rescind the yellow card, show McMillan a red and award a penalty.

Tosh slammed the ball into the bottom corner and Montrose never looked back. McCord added a second with a header 10 minutes later to given Montrose a two-goal lead at the break.

With a two-goal and two-man advantage, Montrose were clearly going to have to implode in fairly spectacular fashion to come away from the match empty-handed. For once, they didn't, and spent the second half ripping into Clyde with clearly gleeful abandon.

Conor Thomson scored a deflected third, his shot looping over John Charles Hutchison's head and over the line. Tosh finished his hat-trick with two goals in as many minutes just after the hour mark, poking home a Watson free kick and slamming a Hegarty corner into the net from inside the box.

Martin Boyle, introduced as a substitute 30 seconds earlier, raced into the box in the 70th minute and cracked a low shot into the goal, then McCord scored an audacious goal in the 72nd minute, picking up the ball on the edge of the area and sending a bullet shot across the box and into the top corner.

Clyde did score a consolation goal in the 81st minute, Neil McGowan scoring a weak header where Montrose goalkeeper Scott Bennett should have done better.

Montrose completed the rout when they scored their eighth in the 83rd minute, Watson blasting a 40-yard shot into the top corner.

So, Montrose 8 (EIGHT) Clyde 1. Montrose move off the bottom of the table and Clyde reach a new low (both on and off the park).

The early sendings off obviously changed the game immeasurably, but Montrose played well while Clyde were horrendous. Their players were guilty all too often of standing and watching as Montrose passed around them, and at least three of the goals could have been prevented by players being alert enough to close down attackers (or mark Montrose's centre forward).

Perhaps most surprisingly, Chris Hegarty didn't pick up even a booking in a match that saw two red cards and six yellows.

Man of the Match: Plenty of candidates in the Montrose ranks. Ross McCord was an attacking livewire throughout and was unlucky not to score a hat-trick. Aaron Sinclair's pace caused problems in the Clyde ranks, particularly after the red cards. Stephen McNally had a great game in central midfield. But the obvious recipient is Paul Tosh, who banged in a hat-trick with composure from the spot and two well taken striker's goals.

The Who?

I know I've written (groaned) about this before, but it's becoming increasingly apparent to me that I'm falling further and further out of touch with music.

 

Today I was filling out a survey for NME, and one of the questions was "What is your favourite band in the world today?".

 

I assumed that the question meant a band still plying their trade, still recording albums, still touring.

 

Which immediately ruled out my three favourite bands - The Beatles, The Stone Roses and Oasis.

 

I could have said The Rolling Stones, but they haven't exactly been prolific in releasing classic albums during my lifetime.

 

AC/DC might actually count, but they slipped my mind at the time.

 

In the end I opted for Super Furry Animals. Whose debut album was released in the mid-1990s and whose best album, Radiator, came out in 1997.

 

I could easily have gone for Doves or Elbow, if I'd remembered them before the Super Furries (the fact that I was listening to a SFA bootleg at the time may have had an impact on my decision.

 

But for a few minutes I couldn't even think of ONE band I'd regard as my current favourite.

 

Radiohead? Meh, patchy and a little bit too wanky to be a proper favourite.

 

The White Stripes? Great singles but average albums.

 

The Libertines? Are they properly back together again or was Reading/Leeds just a one-off?

 

And so many of my other favourites have gone - The Cooper Temple Clause, Supergrass, The Doors, The Smiths, The Jam, Black Sabbath.

 

How many acts in the average issue of NME have I even heard of, let alone do I like? A tiny portion.

 

Which comes as a great disappointment. I always thought that by now I'd be in a fairly high up position at NME, having made my name as one of the best music writers of my generation. I know there are hundreds or thousands of journalists who can say the same, but I genuinely thought I had a chance. My music reviews while I was at university were good enough to get me onto the shortlist for the 2001 Guardian Student Critic of the Year award.

 

I assumed that bigger and better things were just around the corner, and that by the time I turned 30 I'd have interviewed Oasis, spent time hanging out with The Cooper Temple Clause and would have written the definitive review of Elbow's mid-career masterpiece.

 

But now I have an attic full of CDs that never get played because they're on my iPod and I write about boats for a living.

 

Which is a slightly different path to the one I imagined I'd walk when I was 21.

Assisted

Note to members of shop staff: if I approach the counter of your emporium holding items and my debit card, this should be taken as a sign that I have decided what to buy and am ready to pay.

I do not require several minutes of "jaunty" banter on the merits of my purchases, nor on the weather or the quality of music on the radio.

Just let me pay for my stuff and leave.

Thank you.

Season 2010/2011: Match 3: Montrose v Annan Athletic

After last week's destruction of Arbroath, it was maybe expecting a bit much that Montrose could continue that form into a match with league leaders Annan today.

Montrose aren't a great side - we know that from last season. But they were unexpectedly brilliant last week, ripping their local rivals apart in a fantastic first half.

There were occasional glimpses of that side again, Steven Tweed having fielded an unchanged starting eleven. But there was none of the ostentatious finishing that destroyed Arbroath a week ago, none of the expolsive finishing and none of the streaking into an unassailable first half lead.

Montrose's goal came from the penalty spot after Fraser Milligan won a pretty soft penalty after a tangle with Jordon Halsman. Paul Tosh stepped up to slam the ball into the bottom corner and bag his third goal of the season.

It was from open play that Montrose were more disappointing, failing to gel the way they had so easily a week ago.

Annan should have taken all three points from a strong second half. Bryan Gilfillan scored from a David Cox corner just after the hour mark and could have added a second in identical circumstances two minutes later. In the last few seconds a Cox corner across the face of goal was begging to be tapped home, but none of the visitors from the Borders was able to add the finishing touch.

So, Montrose have four points from as many matches, which is a considerable improvement on the disaster that was 2009/2010. We're midtable(ish) and back below Arbroath, so this weekend hasn't been entirely productive. But at least we're not bottom....yet....

Man of the Match: No outstanding candidates from Montrose, again contrasting with last week. Scott Bennett had a nerve-wracking flap for all 90 minutes in goal and Milligan couldn't find space to wreak havoc like he did against Arbroath. My vote goes to Chris Hegarty, who looked the most of the Montrose players when he had the ball.

Season 2010/2011: Match 2: Montrose v Arbroath

Having endured the umpteenth circle of hell that was Montrose's horrendous 2009/2010 Division Three campaign, those of us who valiantly venture to Links Park every other Saturday could be forgiven for allowing a cloud of misery to descend upon us as the team lost its first two matches of the season.

 

Planted firmly at the bottom of the bottom league, having spent almost the entirety of the previous season there, there was little reason to be hopeful ahead of the first league derby with Arbroath in three seasons. Their newly-relegated squad contains players of the calibre of Danny Griffin, Jim Hamilton and former Montrose skipper Keith Gibson. On paper, it was no contest.

 

But matches aren't played on paper - they're actually played on whatever-it-is-they-call-Astroturf-nowadays.

 

Greeted by a crowd of 1,012 (I still suspect some creative accounting may have been involved in that figure) that was segregated to stop the less intellectually stable amongst us from battering each other, Montrose ripped into their visitors right from the off. Fraser Milligan gave Mark McCulloch a roasting at left back, and his cross was cut out by one of Arbroath's lumpen centre backs. Aaron Sinclair whipped the corner to the back post where Alan Campbell met it and sent a bullet header across goal. Arbroath's Josh Falkingham claimed to have prevented the ball crossing the line, but if he did it was with his hand. Regardless of his protestations, the linesman awarded the goal.

 

Displaying a hitherto unknown confidence, Montrose continued to keep the visitors penned in, and it was from another corner that they added a second goal within 10 minutes of the first. Connor Thomson sent a short ball to Chris Hegarty, who had time and space to pick his spot before lashing an unstoppable shot into the top corner from 25 yards out. He and most of his team-mates then set off on an ill-advised celebratory run round the back of the goal net, much to the chagrin of the Arbroath fans assembled at the beach end. One fine specimen of Arbroath inbreeding jumped the wall to engage Hegarty and Co in a lively debate into the merits of their celebration, but was apprehended by Tayside's finest upon returning to his vantage point. The involvement of the boys in blue (or high-visibility yellow at least) almost threatened to start a melee, but some of the trainee brain surgeons decked out in maroon clearly thought better of spending the remainder of their day in the Montrose cells.

 

By half time the match was all but over, Montrose adding a third goal just after the half hour mark. Former Arbroath "star" Paul Tosh curled an outrageous shot with the outside of his boot/blootered the ball with his toe* and watched it sail into the top corner.

 

The second half was less one-sided, Arbroath introducing nippy wee winger David Dimilta at half time. His runs caused a few problems for the home side, but they hung on to claim their first win of the season.

 

Inspiring stuff, and certainly a performance to remember from a Montrose side that may now be finding its feet after a torrid couple of years. Last season Montrose could and probably would have lost even after taking a three-goal lead into the break, but that never looked likely on Saturday. Onwards and upwards.....

 

*Delete according to preference

 

Man of the Match: A few good contenders in the Montrose ranks, including the lively Aaron Sinclair and Connor Thomson. But for me it was Fraser Milligan who stood out the furthest, his constant runs causing headaches in the Arbroath defence for the full 90 minutes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Washing Machine Seizure

Washing machine vs brick.

Brick wins.

Boardwalk Empire

A good reason to get Sky this autumn - it's just bought up the rights to all HBO programmes, including Martin  Scorsese's Boardwalk Empire -  which, without a scrap of evidence, I am willing to be will be one of the greatest TV shows of all time.

 

Most of my favourite shows of the past few years have originated from across the Atlantic - True Blood, Lost, 24, Fringe, Band of Brothers and The Wire amongst them. And that's discounting The Sopranos, which I own on DVD but have yet to watch.

 

What is it has made the past few years a golden period for US television, especially when compared to output from the UK? The only home-grown drama series that I can think of that have been up with the best of US programmes are Spooks (on its good days) and The Take. I also like the Australian drama Underbelly, recently shown on STV.

 

Am I missing any? And can anyone give me an answer? I suppose it comes down to budget constraints, but is there more to it than that?

Friday Ten - My Ten Favourite Movie Characters

1: Darth Vader (Star Wars / The Empire Strikes Back / Return Of The Jedi / Revenge Of The Sith)

 

2: Tommy DeVito (Goodfellas)

 

3: Joker (The Dark Knight)

 

4: Doctor Emmett Brown (Back To The Future / Back To The Future II / Back To The Future III)

 

5: Walter Sobchak (The Big Lebowski)

 

6: Doctor Peter Venkman (Ghostbusters / Ghostbusters II)

 

7: Doctor Henry "Indiana" Jones (Raiders Of The Lost Ark / Indiana Jones and The Temple Of Doom / Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade / Indiana Jones and The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull)

 

8: Michael Corleone (The Godfather / The Godfather: Part II / The Godfather: Part III)

 

9: Gunnery Sergeant Hartman (Full Metal Jacket)

 

10: Tony Montana (Scarface)

 

Season 2010/2011: Match 1: Montrose v Livingston

Two days after the World Cup ended with Andres Iniesta's goal and tears from Casillas and Sneijder, I attended what is my first match of the 2010/2011 season.

 

OK, officially it was a pre-season match, but the important aspect is that this was PRE-season, not POST-season. The season may only just have finished for those Dutch and Spanish internationals, but over here in the Arctic wastelands of Northern Europe, it's once again time to launch ourselves off onto the merry-go-round (or misery-go-round) that is Scottish football.

 

And so last night I found myself inside the North Sea Nou Camp to watch Montrose's second pre-season match of the summer (they lost 3-1 to Raith Rovers on Saturday, when I was freezing my bollocks off at T In The Park).

 

The visitors were well-known to Gable Endies fans, having been crowned Division Three champions just two months ago and having ended their campaign with a comprehensive shoeing of Montrose. Montrose named a 20-man squad for yesterday's match, starting with one trialist at left wing and four more on the bench.

 

Livi deserved their 3-0 win, but Montrose didn't just roll over and let the visitors tickle their bellies. Chris Hegarty came close with a few long-range efforts, making former Mo keeper Tony Bullock work for his money. New signing Terry Masson looked impressive in midfield for the home side, his neat passing working well alongside the combativeness of Hugh "Scoob" Davidson and Chris "Red card magnet" Hegarty.

 

The trialist on the left wing, whose name I don't know, was completely useless, which no doubt means that Steven Tweed will snap him up immediately. Another one, introduced as a second half sub, looked like Kyle Lafferty and was about as useful (I don't intend that as a compliment).

 

Aside from Livi's three goals, the personal highlights for me were seeing Sean Crighton almost kill a flying seagull while returning the ball in the warm-up (the bird wobbled a bit before flying on) and seeing Cammy MacDonald continue his progress through the Livingston ranks - we briefly trained together for an Argyll amateur side a few years back when Cammy was just 17. I'm sure I taught him everything he needs to know to make a go of things in the professional game.

 

I'm sure it goes without saying that by the end of the match it was absolutely freezing. In July. Which bodes well for midweek evening kick-offs in February.

Greeting-Faced Scouse Twat

Steven Gerrard has told Liverpool's website: "There is no way I want the disappointment of the Germany game to be my last."

 

I don't think he has anything to fear - there's no way the Germany game will be his last England-related disappointment.

The Groanin' Jock Book Club

AKA what I've been reading recently.

 

Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell

Excellent novel tying together a number of lives from Victorian times to a post-apocalytpic future. Easily the best book I read in 2009, it made me hungry to read more of Mitchell's work.

 

Friends Like These - Danny Wallace
Entertaining tale told in Wallace's light-hearted, chatty style. A quick read, and one never destined to sit amongst the great literay tomes of our age, but an enjoyable diversion. Wallace finds an address book from his childhood and attempts to track down everyone listed in it.

 

The Colour of Magic - Terry Pratchett
My first foray into the Discworld, this was the the fourth Terry Pratchett novel I read, after the Gnomes trilogy back when I was at primary school. The most obvious comparison I can think of is with The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy, with the same style of off-centre humour and blend of madcap imagination. I'll be back for more.

 

One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest - Ken Kesey
One of the classics of 20th century literature. I've not yet seen the film, and I'm glad to have read the novel first. Frequently hilarious and ultimately heartbreaking, McMurphy and the Big Nurse are two of the most finely-crafted characters I can remember from my 26 years of reading.

 

As Easy As Pi: Stuff About Numbers That Isn't (Just) Maths - Jamie Buchan
An interesting and entertaining look at the world of numbers and the world in numbers. Explores the history of our numbering system as well as real-life examples of where arithemtic and maths play an important, if unseen, part.

 

'78 - How A Nation Lost The World Cup - Graham McColl
Interesting account of Scotland's ill-fated 1978 World Cup campaign. Lacked insight from some of the key figures, most notably the late Ally McLeod. It would also have been interesting to hear the views of Graeme Souness, who barely featured in the three group stage matches, and Derek Johnstone, who didn't play at all despite having enjoyed a tremendous season with Rangers in the run up to the campaign.

 

The Light Fantastic - Terry Pratchett
I didn't enjoy the second Discworld novel as much as the first - it didn't seem to have the same sparkle as the first. It was still a good read, but I'd have liked to have seen more character development and a different story. I still have high hopes for the series though, which I'm way behind the rest of the world in reading.

 

Empire - Niall Ferguson
Thorough account of the rise and fall of the British Empire. Covers Britain's rise from an "archipelago of rainy islands off the north-west coast of Europe" to ruling the world. The reasons behind the growth of the empire, the conditions that made it possible and the events that brought its demise are all explored in incredible detail. An excellent read.

 

The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
Recommended by a friend of Mrs Wife's, my impression of this short novel was that it wasn't as clever as it, or its author, purported to be. Diverting enough in its own way, tracking an elderly New Yorker's journey to heaven after dying in an accident, but not as good as I'd hoped.

 

How To Be Idle - Tom Hodgkinson
A slacker's handbook, this book acts as a guidebook on how to live a life of little exertion, outlining the perfect lazy day, how to achieve it and why a 9-to-5 life goes against human nature. Interesting in places, its dry style eventually resulted in boredom.

 

Garden Of Beasts - Jeffrey Deaver
Fast-paced and entertaining pre-World War Two thriller that combined espionage, an American hitman and the 1936 Berlin Olympics, as well as cameo appearances from Jesse Owen, Himmler, Goring, Goebbels and even Hitler himself. The first book I read while on holiday in Benidorm, this proved to be a highly entertaining read.

 

Twilight - Stephenie Meyer
Not as good as I was expecting, this was my entry point into the Twilight fever that seems to have gripped the world. I'm a sucker for a modern-day vampire story, but Twilight too often descended into rambling monologues where Bella waxed lyrical about how beautiful Edward's pale skin and copper eyes were. Decent enough, just a little drippy for my tastes.

 

Pig Island - Mo Hayder
Another thriller, this one was set in Mid Argyll, an area I know well having lived there for nearly three years. This gave the book a lot of local character from my point of view, but too often Hayder made factual errors that I couldn't forgive. Taking these errors out of the equation (even if it is hard to accept that she frequently misspelled Crinan and referred to Inverar(a)y as being some kind of major shopping centre), this was a good read, with some interesting twists.

 

The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
I'd never read any of Fitzgerald's work before, and I'm not sure I will again after reading The Great Gatsby. I'm not sure what I expected from the book, but it failed to deliver much in the way of genuine plot until near its end.

 

Shakespeare - Bill Bryson
Attempting to deconstruct the myth that is William Shakespeare, Bryson eschews anything that can't be proven through reliable sources. Which doesn't leave much in the way of concrete facts, but this was nonetheless a very entertaining and informative look at the world's most famous writer.

 

Nineteen Eighty-Four - George Orwell
Another classic, and another that left me pondering. Perhaps because its language and messages have passed into common use (Room 101, Big Brother et al), but I was left feeling that I already knew the story of Winston's battle with the powers of Ingsoc. It remains, however, one of the high water marks in 20th Century fiction.

 

Hand Of God: The Life Of Diego Maradona - Jimmy Burns
The (very) unauthorised life story of the world's greatest ever footballer. This book was published almost a decade ago, and as a result doesn't cover El Diego's return from the wilderness to become manager of his beloved Argentina. A mesmerising tale of a chubby urchin blessed with incredible gifts for football and self-destruction. There are very strong parallels with the biography of Michael Jackson I read last year - the flawed genius for whom fame was both a friend and a foe.

Telling It Like It Is

Click on the picture to biggify it.

Bongo Bongoland....

....and the Former Soviet Republic of Bulimia.

 

Not the fevered imaginings of Herge in his Tin-Tin books, nor countries peopled by Enid Blyton's folk of the Faraway Tree.

 

Nope, these lands are mentioned in a letter published in the Daily Mail on June 9, 2010.

 

The Daily Mail readership - almost beyond parody.

Head In The (Oil)Sand

As a market analyst working in the oil industry, I'm on BP's press releases mailing list.

 

This afternoon, I received the following release - note especially the headline:

 

BP is Not Aware of Any Reason for Share Price Movement

 

BP notes the fall in its share price in US trading last night. The company is not aware of any reason which justifies this share price movement.
BP continues to keep the market updated on the Gulf of Mexico oil spill through regular announcements. The response to this incident is our top priority.

 

BP faces this situation as a strong company. In March, we indicated that the company's cash inflows and outflows were balanced at an oil price of around $60/barrel. This was before the costs of the incident.

 

Under the current trading environment, we are generating significant additional cash flow. In addition, our gearing is currently below the bottom of our targeted range. Our asset base is strong and valuable, with more than 18bn barrels of proved reserves and 63bn barrels of resources as at the end of 2009. All of the above gives us significant capacity and flexibility in dealing with the cost of responding to the incident, the environmental remediation and the payment of legitimate claims.

 

BP will continue to keep the market fully informed of further developments in the response to the Gulf of Mexico oil spill, in compliance with its listing obligations.

 

Does anyone want to give them a hint as to the reasons for their "share price movement"? (That's a polite euphemism by the way - BP's share price has fallen 32 per cent in the past month).

 

Subtle hint to BP - if you're responsible for the worst oil spill in history, don't pretend you're "not aware" of its impact on your share price.

All Work And No Play

In this month's issue of Four Four Two, I've just read the best description yet of New Labour drones/leadership contenders David and Ed Miliband:

"The frontrunners in their leadership race being a pair of brothers who make the twins in The Shining look like siblings you could enjoy a relaxed pint with".

BP's Forward Thinking

This is from a 1999 BP advert....

Mince

Click on the picture to make it bigger.

It Was 30 Years Ago Today (Volume II)

Happy Birthday to Mrs Wife, who's now as old as her husband.

City For Sale

The long-running battle over Aberdeen's proposed City Square development took another turn yesterday, with the city council voting in favour of allowing the plans to progress.

 

Those opposed to the development haven't taken it well, claiming that the process was undemocratic - despite the fact that the democratically-elected councillors voted on the proposal. Their claim is that the results of a public consultation - where a majority of a tiny proportion of the city's residents voted against the plans - were ignored.

 

As a result, one disenfranchised member of the electorate (who was probably also opposed to the Union Square development and will not doubt be campaigning vehemently against Donald Trump's golf course plans) has listed the city for sale on Ebay.

 

If you can't beat them, greet about it until the cows come home.

What's New?

Once again, I'm concerned at my recent music buying, and I'm becoming increasingly aware that I'm buying less and less new music.

The last ten albums I bought were:

The Black Keys - Attack & Release
Fleetwood Mac - Then Play On
Ultrasound - Everything Picture
The Highwaymen - The Highwayman Collection
John Mayall & The Blues Breakers - Blues Breakers With Eric Clapton
The Who - Who Are You
The Who - The Who By Numbers
Fairport Convention - Unhalfbricking
Gram Parsons - GP/Grievous Angel
Lee "Scratch" Perry - Soul Fire

Not one of them released this year. Only The Black Keys album was even released this century.

Am I losing my touch or spreading my roots further into classic blues, country, folk and reggae?

Meet The New Boss

It was impossible to escape the post-election coverage last night, much to Mrs Wife's disdain, she being of the opinion that Eastenders and Heston Blumenthal's Mental Kitchen (or whatever it's called) are of far more importance than who'll be running the country over the next five years.

 

I thought Gordon Brown's resignation speech was extremely dignified given the circumstances, and that David Cameron's address from the steps of 10 Downing Street smacked of schadenfreude.

 

Looking ahead, I can't help but think that the Liberal Democrats have cut their own throats. By sliding into bed with the Tories, they've made a mockery of their supposed LIBERAL tendencies (the clue's in the title Mr Clegg), and if they think they stand a real chance of altering Tory policy, I fear that they may be sorely mistaken.

 

Maybe I'll be proved wrong, and the first coalition government this country has seen in 70 years will herald a new age in politics.

 

But the overwhelming feeling is that something, somewhere, went wrong.

 

The next year is going to be interesting though, and this is only the second change of government of my lifetime. Worryingly, there's a certain sense of deja vu as "Dave" saunters into Number 10, six months younger than when the man I despise more than any other on the planet did the same thing in 1997.

 

Hopefully we won't have to endure 10 years of his Return To Blair routine though.

 

(As a final aside, am I the only person who thinks that Samantha Cameron is more attractive than a Prime Minister's wife ought to be? Fair enough, Sarah Brown and Cherie Blair aren't much competition, but still....)

Dark Humour

I received an email today that purported to be a true story from Campbeltown.

Apparently, a business in the town has the following poster in its window:

"We would rather do business with 1,000 Al Qaeda terrorists than with one single British soldier".

While on the face of things that would appear to be a fairly antagonistic message to display in the window of a British business, the email claims that the business in question is....

....a funeral parlour.

So, Argyll residents, is that a true story?

Bent Shots?

I saw this photograph this afternoon on Who Ate All The Pies? when I should have been putting together some cutting edge market analysis.

First off, I don't care whether Zlatan Ibrahmiovic and Gerard Pique are the world's most high-profile gay footballers. What got me thinking is that if they are they're the ONLY gay footballers I'm aware of playing at the very top of the game.

In fact, the only other gay footballer I can remember is Justin Fashanu, who of course tragically committed suicide in 1998.

In the west, somewhere between two and thirteen per cent of the population is estimated to be gay. Say, for argument's sake, that the figure is ten per cent. Then, presume that each Premiership club has a 20-man squad. That's 40 gay men.

Even assuming that only two per cent of men are gay. That's eight gay Premiership footballers. Even suppose that the macho world of football has only half as many gay employees as society at large. That's four Premiership footballers.

It seems strange that, when football has largely managed to shake off the worst of its racist, misogynistic, xenophobic and bigoted bad days, no gay players have publicly come out.

Will Ibrahimovic and Pique be the first?

Foreign Food

I read this article on The Guardian's website recently, and couldn't help but smile.

 

It's definitely a bit of a gaff to have a recipe call for "salt and freshly ground black people" in your latest cookbook.

 

Because everyone knows that tagliatelle tastes much better with a few dessicated Asians on top.

Friday Ten: Ten People Who Aren't Coming To My Birthday Party Tomorrow

1: Osama Bin Laden

2: Barack Obama

3: Kylie Minogue

4: John Terry

5: David Cameron

6: Courtney Love

7: Paul McCartney

8: Lewis Hamilton

9: Tiger Woods

10: Cheryl Cole

A Picture Tells A Thousand Words

There's a widespread belief that comics are a juvenile artform.

 

That somehow, just because a story is illustrated, it is somehow less deserving of appreciation than if it were told by means of words alone.

 

To which I say - utter nonsense.

 

I've always been an afficionado of comic books, although it took a lengthy hiatus between my early teenage years and my acquiring (as a present from Mrs Wife) Frank Miller's Dark Knight Batman books a couple of years ago.

 

But there are dozens of comics and graphic novels that more than stand their own amongst the great novels of our time.

 

As well as the Miller's Dark Knight books - particularly The Dark Knight Returns, which chronicles the exploits of an aging Batman returning to fight crime after a period of retirement - titles such as Watchmen, Wanted, Sin City, Superman: Red Son, Kick-Ass and the Marvel Civil War epic are all worthy of high praise.

 

Without comics, many of the biggest (which, I concede, doesn't necessarily mean best) movies of the last 50 years would never have seen the light of day.

 

Alan Moore's Watchmen even appears on TIME magazine's list of the 100 greatest novels of all time - an honour I don't expect will ever be bestowed upon Harry Potter or Dan Brown.

Pig's Ear

I'm reading a book at the moment, Pig Island by Mo Hayder, that is set in and around my former stomping ground, Mid Argyll.

It's interesting and entertaining to read a thriller set in a part of the world I know so well.

But what is irritating is that there are factual inaccuracies that leave me questioning the author's knowledge of the local area.

She mentions Oban having cobbled streets - but I don't recall any. She mentions that Oban Police Station is a brick building on the main street. But it's a sandstone building away from the town centre.

Inveraray (misspelt Inverary throughout) has a Superdrug and a Holland and Barrett - which will be news to its residents. Not only has it been turned into a major shopping centre, it's now only 15 miles from Crinan - or Crinian as Hayder insists on spelling it throughout the book.

These mistakes are so annoying that I'm almost tempted to give up on the book.

Which is a shame, as it's an otherwise entertaining read.

Gone But Never Forgotten

Mrs Wife's uncle died today after a lengthy illness.

Although I'd only known him a few years, I'll miss him greatly. He was one of the kindest, most generous, friendliest and funniest people I've ever met.

Every minute spent in his company, even the hungover ones, is one that I'll treasure, and the world is a considerably poorer place today than yesterday.

Gone but never forgotten.

Season 2009/2010: Match 14: Montrose v Livingston

Yesterday I was at what will probably be the last match I'll attend this season, Scotland's worst team facing the newly-crowned Division Three champions.

Shock of shocks, Montrose got pumped 5-0. They played well enough in the first half, but conceded the first just five minutes before half time.

The second half was a complete write-off though, and Montrose will be glad to see the back of it and this miserable season.

Steven Tweed has 13 players signed up for next season. But that doesn't exactly fill anyone with confidence. There have been brief flashes of decent play over the course of the season, but it's generally been a long hard slog.

At least Livingston, the most morally (and financially) bankrupt side in Scottish football are gone from the division. Clyde are coming down next season, and I'd expect them to be favourites to bounce straight back up.

But for Montrose, anything better than bottom will be a start....

Friday Ten: My 10 Favourite Pubs

As I count down the hours here at work ahead of a colleague's leaving do, I've been remembering my favourite licensed establishments from around the world. Only one criteria - I have to have had a drink in the pub in question.

 

1: The Elephant and Wheelbarrow, Perth, Western Australia - As well as being my favourite watering hole in the world, the Elephant and Wheelbarrow is also a former employer, Mrs Wife and I having spent four months working there in 2004. Twelve hour shifts may not have been entirely pleasant, but the pub became a second home where we ate, drank and made lifelong friends.

 

2: Bar Kohl, Edinburgh - Not a pub as such, but Bar Kohl on George IV Bridge in Edinburgh is a fantastic place to have a drink, courtesy of the hundreds of flavoured vodkas it stocks. A pitcher of the Fab cocktail - based on the ice lolly and containing strawberry, chocolate and vanilla vodka, milk and chocolate sprinkles - is not to be missed.

 

3: Craiglockhart Student Union, Napier University, Edinburgh - Where I spent hours and a huge portion of my student loan in first year at university. In a stroke of genius, the bar was part of the same building as the halls of residence, which were both extensions to the Craiglockhart Hydropathic Hospital building, made famous as a war hospital whose patients included Siegfried Sassoon and Wilfred Owen. The union had everything required - cheap beer, a pool table, a cracking jukebox and lots of students. I believe that the union, and the halls of residence, have now been demolished, taking with them the first adult memories of an entire generation.

 

4: Centre Court, Edinburgh - After the student union, this was the second closest pub to the halls of residence. A good selection of beers on tap, cracking food and occasional karaoke nights were always a winner.

 

5: The Cafe Bar, Northern Hotel, Brechin - Now just a memory, having been revamped and turned into Hudson's, this small and fairly dingy bar was generally the starting point for most of our nights out when my friends and I were teenagers. A cheap pool table and cheap beer in a quiet wee pub always seemed like the best way to start an evening. Again, memories of shambolic karaoke, live bands and nights when the pub didn't even have standing room come flooding back.

 

6: The Merlin, Edinburgh - Since my student days, this bar has undergone numerous refurbishments and reopenings, but it was our drinking den of choice when my flatmates and I were in third and fourth years. Great food and comfy sofas often meant that several of us could be sprawled there for extended periods when we should really have been working on our dissertations.

 

7: The Elephant and Wheelbarrow, Melbourne - Sister establishment to my favourite pub, the Melbourne branch is less cosy and generally far busier, given that it's located in Melbourne's CBD. Another three months working here helped pay the bills, and again we made friends that we've kept in touch with over the intervening six years.

 

8: Springfield House, Brechin - Another favourite from the latter years of my schooldays, the Springfield was the hostelry favoured by the sixth years of Brechin High School in 1997 and 1998. By a quirk of fate, it was also the closest pub to the school, but it found favour not because of that but because it was big, had a beer garden, a pool table and a selection of board games. And it seemed to be quite easy for underage drinkers to get served....

 

9: Aitchie's Ale House, Aberdeen - Not quite the closest boozer to my office, but almost visible from the window I sit at. A real traditional pub with excellent staff and fine pints, many a great works night out has begun in Aitchie's.

 

10: Satellite Sports Cafe, Amsterdam - The simplest concept in foreign drinking: Fill a pub with televisions showing 20 football matches simultaneously on a Saturday afternoon, and the punters won't mind paying six euros a pint. On my only visit to Amsterdam for a stag party, we spent eight uninterrupted hours in this place, which also boasts table service from attractive Dutch barmaids. Flawless (aside from the six euro pints).

Jan Wouters' Comedy Moustache

Courtesy of The Guardian's football website, I've come across this scanned copy of the complete Italia 90 Panini sticker album.

 

This was, I think, the first football sticker album I owned, or I at least had the British version of it. But I came nowhere near to finishing it.

 

1990 was when I began taking a serious interest in football, and watching matches from that year's World Cup is still a fond memory from my childhood.

 

It's interesting looking back at the members of some of the squads who were stars at the time but who have been forgotten in the intervening two(!) decades, or those who achieved much more after the tournament.

 

Scotland's defence looks impressively solid - Miller, McLeish, Gough, Malpas and Gillespie (and Dave McPherson). Andy Goram (or one of them) and Stuart McCall look so fresh-faced.

 

The hairdos sported by the two Colombian goalkeepers are fantastic - and you'd have thought that Carlos Valderama would easily scoop the worst haircut award from that squad.

 

I very much doubt that any of the players in the book are still playing today, but Paolo Maldini, who turned 22 during Italia 90, isn't long retired.

 

And finally, 20 years later, the name of South Korea's Sang-Bum Gu, which Baby Brother and I found so amusing in 1990, still makes me smile.

 

 

Things I Hate: Volume 1: Toilet Seats

OK, first off, I know that this blog has in the past repeatedly been about things I hate.

 

But I feel that now, as I hit my 30s and Grumpy Old Man status, it's time I began cataloguing my dislikes more systematically.

 

So, first up, toilet seats.

 

I don't hate toilet seats. Far from it. They provide a necessary service in the world, and I wouldn't want to be without them.

 

But I hate toilet seats that don't stay up of their own accord, requiring the use of one hand to maintain their upright position during non-seated toilet-based operations.

 

This is especially taxing in the middle of the night, when I'm doing my best to avoid waking up fully - taking care of business on autopilot if you like.

 

I know women feel the need to constantly fret about toilet seats being left up, so I'm assuming that the automatically falling toilet seat is a female invention.

 

And when was anything useful ever invented by a woman?

 

(Even more annoying is the potentially fatal toilet seat that lulls the urinator into a false sense of security by staying upright until the action is underway....)

GSOH?

Mrs Wife and I have just returned from a long weekend on Arran, of which there may be more later.

But for now I simply repeat, without comment, this classified ad from The Arran Banner:

60+ non-drinking male with new zest for life, seeks company of soignée lady in 25-80 age group to help find lost libido. Must have acute sense of humour and tolerance of cigarette smoke. Apply in confidence to Box No 157 or phone Tony at Lamlash.

Hello, I Love You

I've been committing that worst of bloggy sins over the past few weeks, months and years - neglect.

For various reasons, some of which I may blog about and some of which I won't, I haven't had the motivation to post my inane and semi-coherent nonsense to the worldwide interweb as often as I once did.

And further disgraceful behaviour has also seen me neglect those far-flung corners of the blogosphere where I was once a regular visitor.

I have decided that the time has come to right these wrongs and attempt to restore my browsing habits to their former glories.

And if more than 10 people want to read my barely-literate ramblings in the process?

That would be most welcome.

Season 2009/2010: Match 13: Montrose v Annan Athletic

As Montrose's season from hell draws to an inglorious climax, it seemed as though the side had remembered that they can be half decent.

Steven Tweed received the Division Three Manager of the Month award for March for masterminding Montrose's brief jump off the bottom of the bottom division.

But normal service was resumed yesterday, with the team finding themselves two down inside 12 minutes.

Neither side was much cop, but Annan wanted it more in the first half. The second half saw them come into the game a bit more, and they were unlucky not to salvage a draw, with one shot cleared off the line before Stephen McNally's 89th minute consolation.

Montrose have just one home match left this season, and we'll be glad to see the back of a campaign that was so utterly horrendous - the Scottish Cup run excluded.

It Was Thirty Years Ago Today....

....That I took my first lungfuls of air in Ninewells Hospital, Dundee.

This photograph was taken a bit later when I was Christened.

Death and Taxes

Even death doesn't excuse poor parking in London.

Moody Blues

I think the Magic Tune Box was in as foul a mood as I was this afternoon....

....there are more than 23,000 songs on it, but set to shuffle, the first four that came on were by Nirvana, Metallica, Marilyn Manson and The Offspring.

I'm sure it's alive and tuned in to my moods....

Season 2009/2010: Match 12: Montrose v Forfar

You wait eight months for a home league win, then when it does it's a four-goal derby destruction.

 

I don't know what happened last night, but something in the Montrose team clicked and they actually looked as though they wanted to play football for a change.

 

Even Chris Hegarty's red card on the cusp of half time (I've now lost track of how many times he's been sent off this season, but it's at least three) did little to dent Montrose's ambition - they scored their second goal less than a minute later and added two more in the second half.

 

The sending off was ridiculous - Chris Hegarty won a free kick in the middle of the park and went to take it quickly. But a Forfar player was standing in front of the ball and it cannoned back off his shins. I'm not sure whether Hegarty was booked for slamming the kick off his opponent or for moaning about it, but he was dismissed for his second yellow card.

 

But Montrose's performance was well worthy of the win. There was passion and commitment, not to mention excellent performances from Tweed, McNally, Gemmell and Milligan in particular. Forfar were very poor, as you would expect of a side pumped 4-0 by a 10-man team that hadn't previously won a league game at home.

 

It felt like winning a cup final last night, when in fact it was just a league win, and an essentially meaningless one at that. But the performance was enough to suggest that a corner has been turned.

Let Me Stand Next To Your Fire

I'd LOVE to see this guy's band live. Or auditioning for the X Factor or Britain's Got Talent.

Heineken Football Festival

Rangers: The Kenny Dalglish Dream Team Years

Click on the picture to read about Kenny Dalglish's ambitious plans to rebuild Rangers in the mid-1990s.

Season 2009/2010: Match 11: Montrose v Albion Rovers

It just occurred to me that I neglected to write a report of the most recent match I was at, Montrose's reschuled clash with Albion Rovers.

 

A Tuesday night in March isn't the ideal time to be watching a game on the shore of the North Sea, but I was nevertheless able to convince Mrs Wife to come with me to Links Park.

 

And it seems that she might be something of a good luck charm, as Montrose didn't lose. They didn't win, and they didn't score any goals, but when you follow the worst team in Scotland, a point is a point.

 

Montrose were the better side for much of the match, dominating and coming close to scoring on a number of occasions. I've been no fan of Steven Tweed's on-pitch contributions, but he gave one of the more assured performances of his Montrose career and helped the defence look more settled than has been the case of late.

 

Even a late sending off did nothing to dampen Montrose's spirits, when even a goalless home draw feels like a win.

Do The Colours Of The Rainbow Look The Same To Everyone?

This is one of the best optical illusions I've ever seen.

Season 2009/2010: Match 10: Aberdeen v Hearts

Courtesy of a spare season ticket, I accompanied friend to Pit O'Dire today to watch Aberdeen take on fellow SPL shitehawks Hearts.

It was freezing down at the beach, and I was soon thinking better of my decision to accept the free ticket.

From the start, this game had 0-0 written all over it. Aberdeen's midget central midfield were poor and both Kerr and McDonald were lucky to stay on the park for a series of semi-brutal challenges. Darren Mackie remains the world's worst striker. And Hearts are a thuggish side with little in the way of inspiration.

It was a red card that changed the course of the game, Laryea Kingston shown a straight red for a kung fu kick. From there on in, Hearts never looked back, defending in numbers and slicing Aberdeen open more regularly than had been the case with a full team.

They finally took the lead in the second half through an overhead kick, with the Hearts players queuing up to score and the Aberdeen defence missing in action.

Aberdeen became more desperate, but couldn't find an equaliser, let alone a winner.

Neither of these sides has much in the way of class, but Aberdeen should be especially worried given their recent poor run of form. It's still not too late for them to be sucked into a relegation battle.

We can but dream....

Flaming Eck

On this evening's STV news bulletin, Alex Salmond said "I can think of nothing more exciting than living in the North East of Scotland."

I'm willing to test that theory. If anyone has a wad of cash they're not needing, I'll buy a boat and sail it across the Atlantic with Salmond towed behind in an inflatable dinghy.

Arriving in the US, I'll make my way to the next space shuttle launch, attach Eck to the outside of the shuttle with a combination of superglue and staples, paint him in sugar and release a swarm of hornets.

As an added bonus, I'll also set his testicles on fire.

I wonder if he'll be able to imagine anything more exciting than a life in Fraserburgh after that?

Season 2009/2010: Match 9: Montrose v Elgin

I give up.

I've spent a lot of money watching Montrose over the past few years - as I've become fond of saying £140 is a lot of money to watch joiners playing football.

It's even more money to watch them not play football.

Saturday's match was an opportunity for The Worst Team In Scotland to close the gap on The Second Worst Team In Scotland.

Elgin are gash. As are all of the teams in Division Three, with the possible exception of Livingston, who are marginally less gash due to being the only full-time side in the division.

The Montrose team of two seasons ago would have demolished this Elgin side. But that seems like a lifetime ago, and this Montrose side lack confidence, ability, composure and everything else associated with a football team on the up.

It's beyond a joke now. The team and the club are a laughing stock.

I am seriously considering jacking it in. £10 a week to sit in a freezing cold concrete shed to watch whatever random assortment of Toms, Dicks and Harrys Steven Tweed is fielding this week isn't feeling like a sensible decision nowadays. The official attendance was 280 on Saturday, but that was a guess because nobody was bothering to count the poor souls trickeling through the gate. I'd have said it was below 250.

Most people have stopped caring. I include the players in that. The only one who seemed to give a toss got sent off in the first half for a second booking.

Missing Chris Hegarty, the side immediately went into freefall, conceding goals either side of half time. By the time Elgin added a brace in second half injury time, any hope of a comeback was long abandoned.

The Worst Team In Scotland? It's not even a competition any more

Database

At yesterday's Montrose match, I found myself sitting beside former Brechin City manger Ian Fleming, who led the club to a title way back in 1982.

Afterwards, I was rummaging around the internet trying to find out how long he was at Glebe Park, when I stumbled upon this site - a database listing every UK post war football transfer, as well as the statistics for each player at each club.

The wealth of information here is astounding - just an idle flick through its pages and pages of data makes it look like the work of several lifetimes.

And a quick dip into the Rangers page makes for interesting reading. Erik Bo Andersen hit 15 goals in 23 appearances; Shota Arveladze 44 in 95; Gordon Durie 44 in 125; Gazza 30 in 74; and Mark Hateley 85 in 165 in his first spell at Ibrox.

I had presumed that Durie scored far more than that, and that Gascoigne had played more games. I was also sure that Hateley had scored more than 100 goals for Rangers, although perhaps the total given is for league goals only.

And Terry Hurlock only played 29 games for the club. He was my first Rangers cult hero - stepping out onto the pitch to inflict GBH on whoever came near him. His description as a "Millwall hardman" should have said it all.

Season 2009/2010: Match 8: Montrose v Queen's Park

It's been an interesting couple of weeks in the story of Montrose's season - a first league win followed by a trip to Easter Road for a Scottish Cup skelping.

With the positives from those two performances, neither of which I was able to witness, I was fairly optimistic that today would be the day that Montrose broke their home league duck.

It was a bright, crisp day today and Montrose started with a refreshing spring in their step, testing the Hampden side on a number of occasions.

They finally took the lead in the 36th minute, Paul Tosh netting his fifth goal since moving to Links Park.

Stephen McNally, newly acquired from Forfar, was Montrose's best player, giving the defence an air of solidity from his right back berth. He also came close to an audacious goal, spotting Mark McGeown out of position and forcing the goalkeeper to make a desperate diving save from a 45-yard free kick wide on the right.

But Montrose's omnipresent hesitancies cost them again, the defenders at fault for both of Queen's Park's second half goals.

In the end though, it was dubious refereeing that cost Montrose, with Tosh having two perfectly legitimate goals disallowed for offside.

There were positives in the performance, not least the contributions made by McNally and fellow new signing Stevie Nicholas. But the sooner Montrose see the back of 2009/2010, the better.

Today's crowd - 325. A week after Montrose took 548 fans to Easter Road. Disgusting.

The Finest In African Journalism

And in bum sex scandals of course.

Breaking News

Groanin' Jock, bringing you all the important things in life - Scottish pussy (apparently), Montrose Football Club and pictures of John Terry.




(Click on the picture to bigify it if necessary.)

Good Morning

Up at 8am on a Sunday morning - this had better be worth it....

The Truth

I thought it was about time you all knew the truth about me.

Season 2009/2010: Match 7: Montrose v East Stirlingshire

Having missed last week's Links Park 4-5 thriller, today was my first live football match of 2010, and the first I've seen since mid-December.

Anyone hoping for a match as exciting as the previous week's must have been was sorely disappointed. The most exciting thing that happened (even more exciting than Shire's 18th minute winner) was the referee injuring himself and the stadium announcer sending out a call around the stadium for a registered referee or linseman.

Thankfully (or not, given the dire fare on show today) one of the matchday stewards also doubles as a match official and ran the far side touchline for the second half.

Montrose were abysmal. I don't think they had a shot on target - in fact, they had barely any shots at all. Shire were better, but never looked like they had to step out of first gear.

There can be no denying now that Montrose are the worst team in the country by a long, long way. Aside from John Maitland, not one of the players looked remotely confident. Allied with that was a complete lack of ideas.

Steven Tweed may have a long-term contract as Montrose's player-manager, but something needs to change. Only the Scottish Cup run has injected any enthusiasm into a dire season, but that run will certainly end at Easter Road in a fortnight's time.

It's been a grim winter with more grimness yet to come.

Friday Ten - Ten Songs or Albums That Remind Me Of Different Places and Times

Whenever I hear one of these records, I am automatically transported back in time.

1) Nessun Dorma - Luciano Pavarotti: Any time I hear the last minute or so of Nessum Dorma, I'm 10 years old and spending the summer holidays with my Granny and Grampa in Brechin. The World Cup is on the BBC every day, and the green pitches seem especially bright under the Italian floodlights. Every match is preceded and followed by the tournament's adopted theme tune, bellowed by Pavarotti. This piece of music is a whole mish-mash of different memories - watching the matches in my Granny and Grampa's house, recreating Salvatori Schillachi's bug-eyed goal celebrations and Packie Bonner's penalty saves in Brechin Public Park, and generally playing more football in a day than my legs could now manage in a month.

2) This Is My Truth, Tell Me Yours - Manic Street Preachers: This was the last album I bought before moving to Edinburgh for university at 18. In the flurry of leaving drinks, packing, work and general excitement in the week leading up to the move, I barely listened to the album. But once I'd unpacked in my new home in Craiglockhart Halls of Residence and set my stereo up, this album remained in the CD player for a while afterwards. All of the tracks are now forever associated with that first week away from home and the exciting new world it presented.

3) Who Killed The Zutons? - The Zutons: One of the first albums I bought after returning from a year traveling around the world, this coincided with me buying a car and an in-car CD player and getting a job with the Oban Times. As I scooted around the town from Mrs Wife's folks' house to the office, the Liverpudlians' first album became the soundtrack to that first week as a full-time journalist.

4) A Grand Don't Come For Free - The Streets: A few months into our round the world jaunt in 2003-2004, Mrs Wife and I were skint and living hand-to-mouth in Perth, Western Australia. One of my friends took pity and sent across a pile of albums to help pass the time. Later, when we were based in Melbourne, he did the same again, just before we started traveling down Australia's east coast by bus. One of the CDs was The Streets' second album, and I would often listen to it on overnight bus journies, this curious English concept album soundtracking sleepless nights staring out into the pitch-black bush.

5) Love Is Noise - The Verve: The Verve's fourth album was released the day I set off for Norway for the first time with work. I'd decided before leaving that Love Is Noise would be my anthem for the three-day jaunt, and I listened to the track any time I had a spare five minutes. I also drove my colleagues to distraction by singing it at all other times, including making an odd hooting noise to recreate the instruments. Any time I hear it now, I'm back in Stavanger in the summer sunshine.

6) Be Here Now - Oasis: Oasis opened the concerts on their Be Here Now tour of 1997 with the song of the same name, and any time I hear it I can remember the excitement of being in the front row, my arms squeezed against the barrier to stop my ribs snapping, as the band burst out of a red phonebox and straight into this song.

7) Did You Miss Me? - The Cooper Temple Clause: When working in a canteen while at university in 2001, I would arrive at 8am on Saturday morning (not a student-friendly time of the weekend), hook up my CD player and stick on my favourite album of the time, The Cooper Temple Clause's majestic debut See This Through and Leave. The opening keyboard refrain still helps perk me up on occasion, although I don't have an endless supply of bacon rolls and Coke on hand any more.

8) Death Trip 21 - Ash: In 1999, five of us from university went to Ireland for 10 days. These were the days of portable tape players, and my friends and I swapped compilation tapes. Strangely, the only track I can remember putting on mine is Death Trip 21 by Ash, from their Nu-Clear Sounds album. Hearing it now reminds me of the train ride from Belfast to Dublin.

9) In The Meantime - Spacehog: This song reminds me of the same holiday, as it was on the jukebox in the hostel we stayed in in Dublin. We were in the Irish capital in mid-April, but it was hammering down with snow for most of our time there. So we spent a lot of time in the hostel bar, and this song got a few airings during our stay.

10) Here, There and Everywhere - The Beatles: The first dance at our wedding. Mrs Wife had this on her list of potential first dances from her teenage years, and it was an easy choice to make. It also features in the episode of Friends where Phoebe gets married, played on a steel drum, but ours was the Fabs' version.