Season 2025/26 - Match 2: Montrose 1 Forfar Athletic 0 (KDM Evolution Trophy League Stage)

While torrential rain battered Angus this afternoon, the clouds had parted by evening as Montrose and Forfar lined up for an Angus derby in the KDM Evolution Trophy, better known in these parts as the Challenge Cup.

Inspried by UEFA's fuckery with its big european trophies, the SPFL have abandoned the standard knock-out formula we've come to know and treat with apathy, and have replaced it with a 30-strong league table format slamming the League 1 and League 2 clubs together with the Premier League B teams. The glamour ties with Championship heavyweights such as Partick Thistle and Morton will have to wait until the subsequent knock-out stage.

Sean Dillon returned to the starting eleven for Montrose, with Michael Tidser, Graham Webster and Andrew Steeves all joining him in an [looks for alternative to 'old'] experienced team.

Farfir lined up with title-winning ex-Montrose defender Matty Allan at centre back, title-winning ex-Montrose striker Martin Rennie on the bench, and non-title-winning* ex-Montrose midfielder Mark Whatley in midfield.

Farfir are of course managed by non-title-winning ex-Montrose manager Jim Weir, currently enjoying the quiet period before his busy time of the year frightening kids at Halloween just by looking at them.

Big Jim is currently in his second spell in charge of the bridie botherers, as he looks to become the first manager to be sacked twice by all four Angus clubs. He picked up a booking tonight for being a big fud who can't shut up.

Matty Allan may have won the league with Montrose eight seasons ago, but at only 29 he looks like he could still do a job for a Gable Endies team where the centre backs come down to a choice between 42-year-old Dillon, the erratic Quinn, and the excellent Kerr Waddell, whose knees are unfortunately made of papier-mâché.

Montrose had the better of the chances in the first half, forcing visiting goalkeeper Neil Stafford into a number of saves, but they couldn't apply the finishing touch. Jake Dolzanski looked to get away with one on the verge of half time, tripping Ewan Loudon as he was bearing down on goal, but referee Gary Hanvidge awarded a free kick inches outside the box.

The home side had the better chances in the opening 45 minutes, but the match was goalless at half time.

Tidser and Dillon (combined age 77) were replaced by Harry Craig and Evan Towler (combined age 38) at the break, but the injection of youthful vitality didn't produce much in the opening quarter hour, Forfar looking more lively after a double substitution of their own.

The slapstick defending continued from both sides for much of the second half, with quality finishing lacking, until substitute Matheus Machado raced onto Blair Lyons' deflected shot and slammed a low drive into the Forfar net.

And that's how it ended, Montrose continuing their perfect start to their Challenge Cup campaign.

Did we learn much from the match? Maybe that, as things stand, competing with the team sitting third in League 2 is more Montrose's current level than struggling against the likes of Inverness and Hamilton week in, week out.

Montrose lack a cutting edge, and a better team would probably have capitalised on the occasional flapping at the back from the pieced-together home defence tonight.

But hey, a win's a win, and those have been in short supply around these parts recently.

Man of the match: The tireless Lyons just edges it ahead of Harry Craig for me, but the latter is showing very promising signs of developing into a really useful option in the middle of the park.

*We're intentionally ignoring whatever Whatley did before he signed for Montrose.

Season 2025/26 - Match 1: Montrose 0-2 Inverness Caledonian Thistle (William Hill League 1)

Well, it's been a while since the last post here, and a fair bit has happened.

Montrose were shite, got rid of Gettaefuck Hegarty, appointed Sir Stewart of Petrie as manager, romped up the league, lost a playoff, won the league the next season, and never came back down again.

And now, nine seasons on since the last time I bothered to write anything here, Montrose are back to being fairly shite again, albeit at a level above where they were the last time they were shite.

Winker's gone, Midge is gone, and Craig Wighton has decided that he and his body have already had enough of the current version of MoBall and jacked it in completely.

Some of the older players have finally made way for younger blood, but Montrose still sent Andrew Steeves and Terry Masson out in today's starting line-up as part of a team that looks like it's made up of spare parts, while spritely youths Sean Dillon, Graham Webster and Michael Tidser (a player so old he's already had two managerial jobs) all made the bench.

Kerr Waddell was named in the starting XI but was replaced before kick-off by Aidan Quinn, and the cobbled-together back four that lined up in front of Cammy Gill struggled to cope with the pacy Caley Thistle front line of William McKay, Alfie Stewart and Alfie Bavidge.

Quinn plays football with the composure of a sentient IKEA wardrobe that doesn't know where it is or what it should do with the ball. Steeves, once the best left back in League 1, now looks too slow for this level, frequently caught out of position and unable to get back fast enough to cover for his own mistakes. The same can be said of Masson, whose game is reduced to thundering around the middle of the park chasing shadows and committing fouls.

Although Caley started the season on -5 points because the club is a financial basket case, they were level on points with Montrose at kick-off, having won two of their opening three matches, compared with Montrose's solitary point from their match away to Cove a week ago.

Bavidge put the visitors ahead in the fourth minute, slipping a low shot past Gill, who looks like he's truggling for fitness.

Gill's tendency to punch everything that comes close to his goal line led to Caley's second in the 33rd minute, the keeper's attempted clearance bouncing into the net off Calum MacLeod's head.

It was 2-0 going on 5-0 at half time, David Wotherspoon and Bavidge passing up further opportunities as the half drew to a close.

Without Dillon and Waddell, there's a lack of composure in the Montrose defence, balls being hoofed up the park to no-one in particular, or clearances scrambled back out into the danger zone in the middle of the park.

Tidser was the home side's man of the match today for managing to be the least shite Montrose player in the 45 minutes he was afforded on a new pitch so sandy that it sent up little puffs of beach every time someone kicked the ball.

Elsewhere, there are green shoots of quality in the Montrose squad - last year's player of the year, Blair Lyons, remains a threat at all times, and striker Ewan Loudon has the makings of a quality player - but with a chaotic defence, erratic goalkeeping and no-one in midfield putting their foot on the ball and picking a pass (at least until Tidser came off the bench), they're left with little to work with.

Caley didn't look great in the second half, but they didn't have to, as Montrose did little to seriously threaten the two-goal lead.

So here we are, four league games in, with a single point to show for it. Today was the first time I'd seen Montrose this season, and judging them against a Caley side that may well win the league maybe isn't entirely fair.

But unless there's an upturn in results soon, we could be in for a long, hard season.

Season 2016/2017 - Match 2: Montrose 0-2 Alloa Athletic (Betfred League Cup - Group D)

Three games played; five goals conceded; one goal scored; no League Cup points; two of the starting back four crippled.

On paper (or computer screen, whichever you prefer), Montrose's season has so far been a disappointment.

But as the matches are played on grass or the Links Park Brillo pad, those stats don't tell the full story.

Against Ross County they were unlucky to drop all three points to the Premier League team. By all accounts they were similarly unfortunate to lose to Kirkcaldy's finest when they played Raith midweek.

Today was a different story, the best team winning relatively comfortably without ever truly shifting into the higher gears.

Greig Spence opened the scoring in the 33rd minute, meeting a corner with a firm shot that bounced in off a Montrose defender.

They doubled their advantage in the 50th minute when the unmarked Izaac Lyle stooped to head home from Steven Hetherington's cross.

Having already lost their opening two matches, Montrose were unlikely to qualify from their inaugural League Cup group, giving Paul Hegarty the opportunity to experiment with a different line-up or formation.

He didn't, selecting almost the same side as in the previous two matches, albeit with Graham Webster replacing the suspended Chris Templeman, the lanky striker having been shown a straight red at Stark's Park for dissent.

Allan Fleming was given a chance in goals instead of Jordan Millar. He was comfortable enough and left largely helpless with both goals, where slack defending was the root cause.

As usually occurs, Hegarty ignored his bench for most of the match, only rousing them in the 75th minute, when he took the frequent shouts of "Get the fucking subs on, Hegarty" literally and made a completely out of character triple substitution.

The universe didn't take kindly to this bout of shenanigans and promptly invoked Murphy's Law. Two minutes after they used all three of their subs, Montrose's Bollowocky was clattered by Jon Robertson. He was carried off the park with an ankle injury, Robertson received a yellow card instead of the prison sentence his challenge merited and Montrose were down to ten men.

With two minutes to go, Chris Hegarty appeared to catch his studs in the turf plastic and twisted his knee. He was screaming before he hit the ground and waving for the bench before the physios could reach him. He left the pitch on a stretcher, Montrose playing the final few seconds with nine men.

Neither side was exceptional today. Alloa were deserving winners, but will need to be better against superior sides.

Montrose struggled to create chances and still lack punch up front. Campbell works hard for little reward, while Fraser needs a faster strike partner to complement his industrious performances.

How Montrose cope without the Bollowocky and Hegarty Jr in the coming weeks will be interesting, as both have become integral parts of the defence in the opening weeks.

Next up, Cove Rangers at Forfar in the final League Cup match - time for a little experimentation.

Man of the match: Montrose didn't create much of note and didn't defend especially well. There were no real stand-out performances for the home side, but Paul Watson continued as a commanding presence in the middle of the park.

Season 2016/2017 - Match 1: Montrose 0-1 Ross County (Betfred League Cup - Group D)

Less than a week since Euro 2016 limped to its 'climax', Montrose were back in competitive action.

Helping to break the monotony of the school holidays were League Cup holders Ross County, beginning their defence of the trophy at the Basinside Bernabeu.

Montrose welcomed Chris Hegarty back, the full back now having the nerve-wracking job of playing for his old man. For the first time, their starting line-up also included the Bollowocky, a creature invented by Lewis Carroll in 1871, famous for its consumption of white rabbits, March hares and Arbroath strikers.

Michael Bolochoweckyj

The Bollowocky

Montrose's notoriously sieve-like defence of last season looked much more robust than it did even a few weeks ago, the central pairing of Pascazio and the Bollowocky managing to keep fairly tight control over the visiting strikers. Between the sticks, Jordan Millar was in inspirational form.

At the other end, County centre backs Eric Cikos and Jay McEveley spent the afternoon trying to reach the summit of Chris Templeman, usually by clambering up his shirt but occasionally utilising unorthodox kangaroo-inspired, head-first leaps.

In the normal scheme of things, pishy Serie Z4 side Montrose would have been pumped by Premier League silverware holders Ross County, but today didn't pan out as planned.

The match was all square until the 86th minute, when referee Craig Charleston awoke from his afternoon nap to award County a penalty, Brian Graham having flung himself over the Bollowocky's tail and earned a penalty. Graham stepped up to the spot and fired his kick low to Millar's left.

The goal proved to be the winner, Montrose unlucky not to take at least a point from the holders. Had they managed to keep the scores level until full time we'd have been treated to a penalty shoot-out for a bonus point - such is the wacky inventiveness of the SPFL nowadays.

Anyway, there were a few positives from this first competitive foray of the season. The previously porous defence looked much stronger - a back five of Millar-Steeves-Hegarty-Pascazio-the Bollowocky should be a meaner proposition than last season, if Hegarty can avoid too many suspensions.

Templeman and Fraser lacked match sharpness - another week or two into the season and Fraser would probably have buried the chance he was given when sent clear through in the fifth minute. Templeman had a hard shift but lacked nothing in effort.

Paul Watson was back to his demonstrative best in the middle of the park, and Kieran McWalter's  exciting two-tone hairdo was matched only by his penetrating runs down the right.

Early verdict - cautiously optimistic, even in defeat...

Man of the match: Had it not been for the heroics of Jordan Millar in the Montrose goal, Ross County would probably have won this one by at least a couple. Now a permanent member of the Montrose squad, the former St Johnstone man should instil confidence in his defence as the season goes on.

The Stone Roses - All For One

Good things come to those who wait.

Except they don't, do they?

Ten years ago, no-one expected ever to hear new material by The Stone Roses. Even five years ago, it seemed unlikely - they'd hammer the arse off the nostalgia tour, then disintegrate with a whimper, John Squire's ego wrestling with Ian Brown's pride and Reni's disinterest to put an end to the reunion they'd all said could and would never happen.

So anyone who says they've been waiting 22 years for All For One is a fucking liar. And anyone who claims it was worth a 22-year wait is trying far too hard.

This is The Stone Roses in name only. There's none of the hushed psychedelia of their first album, none of the cocksure groove of their mid-period EPs, none of the thunderous Zep-aping rock swagger of their second incarnation.

All For One is a Britpop anthem as written by men in their 50s who were never Britpop first time around. All of what made the Roses The Best Band In The World is missing, and instead we get a shrill, over-produced mess.

The lyrics are dreadful - what few lyrics there are. "All for one, one for all, if we all join hands we'll make a wall" - didn't Pink Floyd spell out the dangers of that 37 years ago?

I initially misheard the verse lyrics as: "A tragedy, a catastrophe", which would have been apt. It's actually some faux Flower Power guff that would have sounded trite in 1966, and just sounds embarrassing 50 years later.

Musically, the biggest crimes are against the rhythm section. Mani's bass, a key component of the Roses sound,  is barely audible.

Reni, master of the indie breakbeat and a drummer second only to Ginger Baker in the pantheon of the greats, is made to sound like any bog standard, four beats in the bar, hit them hard indie drummer.

John Squire's final howling guitar solo manages a late salvage job, but by then I'd all but given up.

I stick by my initial assessment - that it sounds like The Fratellis. More specifically, like The Fratellis labouring over a Seahorses album track for 20 years.

The internet enthusiasm for All For One has been baffling.  Maybe people are just desperate to love it. Maybe they genuinely DO love it.

But as the enduring popularity of Donald Trump, Ed Sheeran and Mrs Brown's Boys show, the general public aren't to be trusted with important decisions.

(Says I, who heard it twice, didn't like it either time and immediately bought it on iTunes anyway.)

I'm going to resort to parental cliché - I'm not angry, I'm just disappointed.

I certainly don't feel like I'm missing out by not seeing the Roses for a third time when they tour this summer.

I can't envisage where All For One will comfortably sit in their setlist - unless it's going to be surrounded by more new songs of similar quality midway through the gigs.

It was never going to live up to the expectation, and it continues the Stone Roses Law of Diminishing Returns.

By the time of their Fifth Coming in 2045, their comeback single will be Ian Brown bludgeoning Michael Jackson's Billie Jean to death.

Oh...