Funny Because It's True

From today's Daily Mash

Philip to say 'Mick' no more than eight times

PRINCE Philip will be allowed into Ireland today on condition he calls them all 'Micks' no more than eight times during the four day visit.

'Gosh, you're all surprisingly tall'

The historic trip was only agreed after intense negotiations between London and Dublin, with the Foreign Office stressing that he was going to say it and there was nothing that anyone could do about it.

Prince Philip will say 'Mick' for the first time when he meets President Mary Macalese at her official residence in Phoenix Park. He is expected to say that he 'did not know Mick houses had roofs'.

He will then use an average of two Micks a day culminating with a visit to the Tyndall Institute in Cork on Friday when he will say 'Christ almighty, not more fucking Micks'.

It will be the first time Prince Philip has met an Irish person since 1984 when he told Eurovision song contest winner, Dana: "You're not so bad. The worst is the half-Irish, half-Chinese. I met one once. He was called Declan Wu and he stole my horse."

The visit is the first by a British sovereign in a century and the Queen is understood to be very excited about meeting hundreds of people who, according the British Constitution, are not good enough to be married to her.

The Royal Household has acknowledged the sensitivity of the visit and made key changes to protocol, including replacing the Queen's Official Royal Question of 'What do you do?' with 'Are you going to kill me?'.

During the trip the the Queen will view the Book of Kells and say it is 'very nice' as well as visiting the Irish National Stud in Kildare where she will attempt to drug key rivals in advance of next month's Epsom Derby. And sources say the Queen is also keen to try out her Irish accent and has been rehearsing phrases including 'a very top of the good morning to you' and 'one is being sure, one is being sure'.

Meanwhile, in addition to his eight Micks, Prince Philip has also been given an allowance of three 'bogtrotters', two 'fenians' and a completely unacceptable joke about Bobby Sands.

Between The Sheets...

...or what I've been reading recently.

Mother Tongue - Bill Bryson
Entertaining look at the English language, how it was formed and how it compares with other languages. A tad drier than Bryson's other work, including the superior Made In America that looked at the history of American English, and not even in the same league as his travel writing, but well worth a read for those interested in how the world's dominant tongue rose to its current position.

The Girl Who Played With Fire - Stieg Larsson
The second instalment of Larsson's wildly popular Millennium trilogy. I didn't find it quite as absorbing as its prequel, but the continuing saga of Lisbeth Salander and Mikael Blomqvist is certainly more entertaining and pacy than almost every other work of modern fiction I've read recently.

Mort - Terry Pratchett
My fourth venture into the Discworld, and the quality continues to be evident. A well-crafted story that, like all of the Discworld novels I've read so far starts very strongly, loses its way for a short while in the middle before resolving itself in comedic style.

Rangers Cult Heroes - Paul Smith
This was my Secret Santa gift at the work Xmas party last year. It was good to read the stories of some bona fide Rangers legends, including several from the nine-in-a-row years that I watched as a boy. But there were two faults: firstly, the choice of players covered. To describe John Greig, Ally McCoist, Jim Baxter or Brian Laudrup as cult heroes seems to me to disregard the notion of what makes a cult hero. I've already picked my alternative 10. Secondly, the book seems to have been rushed out in the latter half of 2010, and could have done with a more thorough sub-editing to remove typos and factual errors. Nonetheless an enjoyable read for those of a blue persuasion.

The Business - Iain Banks
Picked up for 20p in an Aberdeen second-hand bookshop when I ran out of things to read on the train, this was a most unexpectedly good book I'd read in a while. A tale of a Scottish girl made good in a shadowy multinational corporation, the humour and fast-paced plot were a delight.

Kingdom of Fear - Hunter S Thompson
Dispatches from Thompson's meandering mind in his twilight years, Kingdom of Fear lacked the punch of his earlier works, but was nonetheless a rollicking ride from one of literature's great heroes of the 20th century.

As In Eden - RM Lamming
I'm a strange hypocrite in that I don't believe any of the stories in the Bible, don't believe in any religions, but I find fiction based on those stories being true to be fascinating. I suppose it stems from a childhood love of Raiders of the Lost Ark and Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade. But I digress. As In Eden retold a number of the Bible's more famous tales from the viewpoint of women mentioned, occasionally only in passing, in the original tales. Interesting, but still not enough to make me a believer....

Foul! The Secret World of FIFA: Bribes, Vote Rigging and Ticket Scandals - Andrew Jennings
Exposing the sordid world of life inside football's governing body, this book is enough to provoke rage in anyone who first became enchanted by football as a sport, not as a jolly and a means of stuffing pockets with wads of cash.

The Lost Symbol - Dan Brown
Entirely predictable fare from Brown, who must write his books to a generic template. Fast-paced and entertaining enough, but for those of us who have read the rest of his books, the conspiracy theories are starting to wear a little thin.

Fatherhood: The Truth - Marcus Berkmann
A birthday present from Mrs Wife, this is a hilarious guide to the first few years after the birth of the first baby. Actually had me laughing out loud on the train. While simultaneously giving me a little bit of dread at how unprepared I am for the biggest life-changing event of all.

Neuromancer - William Gibson
Supposedly a cyberpunk classic, Gibson's most famous work left me a bit cold, with a plot that was overly complicated and characters that inspired little in the way of feeling. Not recommended.

The Bloke's Guide To Babies - Jon Smith
A second baby "how to" book, along a similar vein to the Berkmann book, if written from a younger man's point of view. Inspiring of further laughs and further dread.

The Groanin' Jock Montrose FC Player of the Year Award

As Montrose have now finished their season, it's time for the award no-one's waiting for, The Groanin' Jock Montrose FC Player of the Year Award.

In the supporters' club official awards, I voted for Stephen McNally, the club captain having looked a figure of calm in a team occasionally capable of some pretty football but more often capable of spectacular mediocrity.

But the Groanin' Jock award is based on the number of times the players have been awarded my man of the match award.

So we're talking about the best players from 20 competitive Montrose matches this season (actually, it's only 18 because I forgot to pick a MotM from two matches....)

The results are:

Martin Boyle: 3
Ross McCord: 3
Chris Hegarty: 2 (one of those was for getting sent off against Arbroath in the New Year shellacking)
Terry Masson: 2
Daryl Nicol: 2
Paul Tosh: 2
Sean Crighton: 1
Hugh Davidson: 1
Stephen McNally: 1
Fraser Milligan: 1

Which means that for the 2010/2011 season, Martin Boyle and Ross McCord officially share the inaugural Groanin' Jock Montrose FC Player of the Year award.

If I was forced to pick between them, I'd go for Boyle.

"Tosher and Boyler, Tosher and Boyler...."

Season 2010/2011: Match 21: Queen's Park v Montrose

It may be over.

Barring an unforeseen (and unforeseeable) venture to a match over the next couple of weeks, today was probably the last match I'll attend this season.

It may even be the last Montrose away match I'll attend for a long while, given that my first-born - Laudrup McCoist Hateley Durrant Gascoigne Rae - is mere weeks from arrival and is likely to monopolise my free time for a long, long time.

(That name is only a working title - I may still go with Hegarty McNally Gonzalez Crighton McCord Tosh Boyle Rae. Or Lennon if it's a boy [after John, not Neil or Danny].)

Anyway, today was my first time on a Montrose supporters' bus, my first time in the Queen's Park social club and my first time at Hampden when the stadium hasn't been in use for a cup semi-final, cup final, Scotland match or concert.

It's a strange experience being in a sub-1000 crowd in a stadium designed to hold 52,000 (a text from Montrose's own Argentine-obsessed roving reporter asking me to "save her a seat" raised a smile).

Montrose had nothing to play for today, having already secured(?) eighth place in Division Three. But Queen's Park (we're amateurs, honest - we don't pay our players, just give them £100 expenses a week) were looking to guarantee a promotion play-off place.

Some of Montrose's early movement looked vaguely decent, but once Queen's took the lead in the 27th minute, there was never going to be any doubt of the result.

Jamie Longforth ultimately scored a hat-trick and Ian Watt also got on the scoresheet as Queen's put four past The Incredible Flying Gonzo, playing what was probably his last game for Montrose. His larger-than-life personality will be missed around the club, but his abilities as a goalkeeper have been called into question too often since he arrived earlier this year.

Today marked the end of the Montrose careers of a few of the players, most notably Hugh Davidson, who skippered the team for the last time before retiring. His final match ended in near-heartbreaking fashion, limping off after just 20 minutes.

He was replaced by Chris Hegarty, another player likely to be on the way out of Links Park. Along with Gonzalez, Hegs had the good grace to come across to the noisy travelling support at the end of the match and give away his shirt. Gonzo went one better, also handing across his shorts (after ensuring that the roving reporter had received the goalkeeper's jersey and a kiss).

Montrose's only real high point came with Terry Masson's goal, the midfielder picking the ball up far from goal, striding in towards goal and lashing an unstoppable shot into the net.

Aside from that, my personal highlight was hearing a small girl shout, out of nowhere: "Heggy's gonnae get you" - a chant that sounds infinitely more chilling when uttered by an innocent child than by a bunch of blokes old enough to know better.

And so it ends here. Next year's team will look vastly different to this year's incarnation, and will hopefully carry some of the better recent form into the new campaign. From tenth to eighth this season - hopefully from eighth to sixth next year....

Man of the Match: No outstanding candidates - it can't be any of the back five in a match when we conceded four. Masson's superb strike and general work rate make him my final man of the match of the season.

Sex Education

This is the funniest thing I've read in ages.

Season 2010/2011: Match 20: Arbroath v Montrose

Despite my protests, despite my ongoing recovery from a cold, despite the weather and despite what was obviously going to be a defeat, I was at Gayfield today to watch Arbroath win the title against Montrose.

There was a noisy travelling support that was given a token corner of the ground, while Abroath completely failed to fill the remainder, despite pre-match boasts that thay'd bring a bumper crowd.

No complaints over the scoreline today, the better team won. Montrose were too often second the ball, were guilty far too frequently of giving the ball away and too often tried to score from ridiculous long-range shots.

It was obvious from the point that Arbroath were given an early penalty that the referee was a sub-human wazzock, and every decision went against the visitors. The penalty was retaken due to a one-man pitch invasion, and the second attempt only went in after trickling along the goalline after coming off of Gonzo's right-hand post.

But the home side scored four on the day, and the flying Argentine was at fault too often, wandering into strange positions miles off his goalline.

Often I think it looks as though Gonzo is watching a different game from everyone else, as he seems to spend a lot of the match barking orders to invisible players just in front of him and flapping at balls that aren't there.

Either that or he has a drink problem, and what we're actually witnessing is a weekly episode of "Ramiro Battles The Pink Elephants". It's easy to imagine, when he's leaping around his box muttering to himself, that he's screaming: "Fuck off elephants, I'm trying to play football".

Anyway, today's match was shite from a Montrose point of view and presumably great from an Arbroath point of view, as they secured the Division Three title and promotion. Montrose bright spots were few and far between, although Terry Masson's overhead kick for the consolation goal was a bit special.

Disgraceful scenes at the end as hundreds of Arbroath fans invaded the pitch, a handful of them knocking Gonzo to the ground and piling on top of him. Montrose need to make an official complaint about the incident and the fact that the police stood and watched an assault that they should have prevented taking place just feet away.

Man of the Match: Terry Masson. The goal alone made him Montrose's best player, but he generally got stuck in throughout a disappointing Montrose performance.

Season 2010/2011: Match 19: Montrose v Stranraer

This was the first time I'd seen Montrose since Ray (or Raymond as the matchday programme calls him) Farningham was appointed full-time manager.

The club's form has picked up in recent weeks, and there was a nonchalent swagger about their play in the first half.

Chris Hegarty was restored to the starting line-up, which was missing Stephen McNally through suspension. The team lined up in what looked like a 4-3-3 formation, and the emphasis seemed to be very much on pinning Stranraer back and constant attack.

The first goal arrived in odd circumstances, Ross McCord turning the ball into the empty net but referee John Beaton instead awarding a penalty for a foul on Hugh Davidson. That decision could have proven to be a nightmare for Montrose, but Daryl Nicol made no mistakes from the spot.

Their lead was doubled before 20 minutes were up, Dougie Cameron the beneficiary of a stramash in the Stranraer box, the ball deflecting off him and looping over goalkeeper David Mitchell's head.

Having set themselves up with such a strong lead early on, Montrose looked like they might rack up a cricket score. Their passing was crisp and they looked confident, particularly from midfield forwards.

Armand One - who is fucking huge - is generally used by Stranraer as a battering ram. But he found himself unable to make an impact, and was hooked before half time, storming straight up the tunnel in a huff.

The second half was a different story for Montrose, and they struggled to find and maintain a rhythm. Stranraer scored nine minutes after the break with a weak goal, Montrose's defence caught napping.

The best was still to come though with Daryl Nicol's second goal. The youngster dipped his shoulder, cut inside and slammed an unstoppable shot into the top corner.

He looked likely to bag a hat-trick until Farningham made his only substitution of the match and swapped him for Sean Pierce 18 minutes from time.

Stranraer got a second goal 17 minutes from the end, and it flustered Montrose, but the home side managed to hang on to secure a good three points from one of the better teams in the division. If Stranraer had won today they'd be third in the league and very much in the promotion chase.

It's very unlikely that Montrose will finish bottom of the league this season, so there has definitely been progress since last year. Steven Tweed can take some of the credit for that, but the team looks a lot better since Ray Farningham assumed control. That suggests the problem may have been with the previous manager's personality as much as anything, so here's hoping the biggest problems are behind us.

Man of the Match: If the match had finished at half time, I'd have gone for Dougie Cameron. Today's first 45 minutes were the best I've seen from him in a Montrose shirt - he looked comfortable on the ball, passed well, crossed efficiently and generally looked dangerous. But he was very poor in the second half, snatching at tackles and picking up a needless booking.

Ross McCord had a good game, playing just behind the front two and generally involving himself in all of Montrose's attacks. His match had everything except the goal he deserved.

Ramiro Gonzalez was also a key figure, keeping Montrose ahead with a number of outstanding saves. But Gonzo can also be a bit erratic, and should have done better with both of the Stranraer goals. An outstanding celebration for the third Montrose goal though, running to the halfway line to roar his appreciation in front of the home dugout before getting a bollocking from Stuart Garden and scuttling back to where he was supposed to be.

The real man of the match though was Daryl Nicol, whose thunderbolt second goal was the icing on the cake of an outstanding performance.

Stovies

Season 2010/2011: Match 18: Montrose v Elgin City

The sun was shining today, and the summery weather seemed to inject Montrose with a bit of life.

This was the first time I've seen Montrose since Steven Tweed quit/flounced off in a huff.

Montrose were looking for their first win in six games, and by all accounts they've been decent but have just lacked the killer touch over the last few matches.

That was definitely obvious today, and the home side should have scored five or six today.

In the end they only got the one, but that was enough to take all three points.

It was a well-taken chance, Jonathan Crawford meeting Daryl Nicol's cross with a perfectly-placed header.

Both sides had chances, and today was the first time that I've actually believed that our Argentine mime artist Gonzo is a goalkeeper. He made some good stops and blocks, and even kicked with his right foot at least once.

In fact, Montrose generally looked quite good today. Aaron Sinclair had probably his best game of the season, playing at left back, although there were a few defensive slips from his team-mates.

Stephen McNally was his usual industrious self at right back, and the midfield was solid and fairly creative.

The front line of Nicol and Boyle was very lively throughout, and if Montrose were suffering from top goalscorer Paul Tosh's departure to Peterhead, they didn't show it.

Too many chances were passed up for this performance to be truly great, but a win is a win, and those have been few and far between at Links Park over the past two years.

Hopefully Ray Farningham will take the Montrose job permanently and will have a clear vision of how to take the side forwards.

Of the team that started today, I'd now keep Gonzalez, McNally, Davidson, Boyle and Nicol. Sinclair I would sell for the right price, even though he's a great player on his day. I'd keep most of the backline if they could eliminate the silly mistakes. But it would be end of the road for Dougie Cameron, who looks too sloppy in his passing and seems to make odd decisions too frequently.

Cameron passed up a glorious chance today, hammering a volley high and wide from six yards out when it looked easier to score.

Onwards and upwards for Montrose? Maybe. There were certainly green (or blue) shoots today anyway.

Man of the Match: This could easily have gone to one of a number of players. Gonzalez looked like a goalkeeper for the first time, and kept Montrose ahead with a lot of good saves. Hugh Davidson looked reliable in midfield, and Aaron Sinclair seems to have been rejuvenated by his move to left back. But today's key player was Daryl Nicol, who worked tirelessly (as did strike partner Martin Boyle), creating chances throughout and setting up Crawford's goal with a great run and cross.

Calling All Junior Scientists!

Google Science Fair is now open! Ages 13-18 can compete for internships and scholarships.



Google is looking for the brightest, best young scientists from around the world to submit interesting, creative projects that are relevant to the world today.

Who can enter?

The competition is open to students aged 13 to 18 from around the world working on their own or in a team of two or three. For more details, visit the Science Fair Rules page.

How to enter

• If you don't already have one, create a Google Account. You will need a Google Account to complete the sign up form.
• Complete the Google Science Fair sign up form. After you submit the form, you will see an important link on the confirmation page. This link will create the Google project submission site where you will post your science fair project details. Signed up but can’t find the link? Click here to create your Google project submission site.
• Plan your science project, conduct your experiment, and write up your results.
• Complete all of the sections of your Google project submission site (see sample project submission site).
• Create either a two-minute video or 20-slide presentation giving an overview of your project and embed it on the Summary page of your project submission. A video or presentation is required to enter.
• When your project site is done, make sure to submit it via this form by 4 April 2011.

Detailed instructions and tips for building your project submission can be found in the Resources section of this website.

Please note: Entries and supporting documentation must be submitted in English. Google Translate is a free tool that may be useful for students who don't speak English as a first language.

Season 2010/2011: Match 17: Montrose v Albion Rovers

Last week Montrose were good for 45 minutes.

Today they were atrocious for 90.

No-one enjoys sitting in a freezing cold shed and watching joiners, plumbers and assassins-for-hire playing football in a strong wind and hammering rain.

I very much doubt that the players enjoy turning up and getting paid three Haribo and a cup of warm orange juice for "playing" in those conditions.

But Jesus fuck, if you're going to charge idiots like me £10 to get in, at least make it look as though you're interested.

There were no plus points from today's performance. Not one of the players who turned out for Montrose can be happy with their contribution.

I normally reserve scant praise for the younger lads who lack the experience to know what it takes to grind out a result in those circumstances.

But every single player looked devoid of ideas. Presumably that's filtering down from the management. I don't know if Steven Tweed was telling his players to attempt to thump it long in the first half, but a surely even a schoolchild could understand that if the ball leaves the ground and is fighting against a strong headwind, you're never going to get it very far.

Montrose's back four couldn't grasp that, and it was a miracle (and the result of some extraordinarily bad finishing from Albion Rovers) that they were only a goal down at half time.

Several times this season Montrose have looked like a shambles in the first half but come good in the second. Tweed tried his usual masterplan of bringing Martin Boyle on at half time, but even his pace and enthusiasm couldn't ignite Montrose.

John "Beast" Gemmell scored after seven minutes and Scott Chaplain added a second 15 minutes from the end. Montrose never looked like scoring.

Some observations:

A) Dougie Cameron is Montrose's self-designated throw-in taker. No matter where on the left the ball goes out of play, Doooooooogie wants - no, NEEDS - to take the throw-in. The number of effective throw-ins from Mr Cameron today - 0.

B) Dougie Cameron can spin on the ball like Zidane one minute than shank a simple pass out for a throw-in 30 seconds later.

C) Dougie Cameron, like Zinedine Zidane, is bald.

D) That's where the comparison ends.

E) Playing a left-footed player on the right and right-footed player on the left doesn't work. Especially not in Division Three.

Highlight of the game for me was seeing Sandy Wood jump to catch a ball that was flying out for a throw-in. While standing in the dugout.

He nearly decapitated himself and Steven Tweed spent the next five minutes looking at his now reserve keeper with a look that said: "Now you know why I dropped you in favour of an Argentine mime artist-cum-interpretive dance master who wears white leggings, white gloves and a snood and can only kick with his left foot, even if he was previously standing on same left foot".

Says it all really when the highlight is watching a grown man bump his head.

Man of the Match: No-one deserves praise from that match. Not one of them looked like doing something worthwhile. If I was forced to pick one I'd probably go for Stephen McNally for occasionally looking like he'd played football at least once in the past.

This Didn't Happen At My School

 

Season 2010/2011: Match 16: East Stirlingshire v Montrose

On Friday night I was in Glasgow to witness Liam Gallagher's second coming as lead singer of the abysmally-named Beady Eye.

I was accompanied by a Falkirk-based friend, and before setting off to Glasgow that night we were trying to decide what to do on Saturday. I'd forgotten that the Mighty Mo were also in town to take on homeless East Stirlingshire, but when we spotted that one on the fixtures list, it seemed to be written in the stars.

So at 3pm on Saturday I found myself straddling the thin line between lager hangover and cider drunkeness as we entered Ochilview (or Lesser Firs Park as the stadium announcer would have it).

As is their style, Montrose were honking in the first half and could easily have been a few goals down, having inexplicably survived when Shire's claims for a clear penalty were waved away. They were actually only one goal down at the break, but they'd been very poor and were lucky even to have nil in their own "goals for" column.

The previous week I'd seen The Tosh go into psycho Terminator mode when Hugh Davidson accidentally got in the striker's way. This week it was Nicky Smith incurring The Tosh's rage, and the 1,000-yard stare focused on the youngster was enough to scare the fuck out of me, sitting 50 yards away in the stand.

The Tosh didn't make it for the second half, and I'm impressed that Steven Tweed had the balls to sub him. Martin Boyle came on to a standing ovation from the vocal away fans, and made an instant impact, levelling the scores inside 30 seconds.

Nicky Smith took pelters from the small group of fans sitting beside me in the stand, and when he scored what proved to be the winner, he wasted no time in turning to his critics and giving them a "who's laughing now pricks?" point.

Montrose were a different team in the second half with the introductions of Boyle and Fraser Milligan, who was a constant threat down the right. They deserved their win based on that second half performance, but if the match had ended after 45 minutes Shire would have been worthy winners.

That's the first Montrose away game I've been to since Jim Leishman got sent to the stand against Brechin City many moons ago, and it was a good laugh, especially sitting in the "away" "end".

Surely we can't finish bottom of the league now?.....

Man of the Match: A few contenders from the second half. Stephen McNally led the team well, but some of his passing was a bit awry at times. The defence was mostly solid, and had to be given Romiro Gonzalez's continuing attempts to redfine goalkeeping as a comedy dance routine. But there can only be one real winner - Martin Boyle, fleet-footed goalscorer extraordinaire.

Season 2010/2011: Match 15: Montrose v Queen's Park

The weather was almost summery when I left the house bound for the North Sea Nou Camp at 2pm, but by kick off a chill had set in.

That change in the weather might have been an omen, as Montrose were very poor today. The first half was a fast-paced affair, and both sides created chances. But it was the Hampden men who scored, Montrose failing to heed the warning delivered a minute earlier.

Daryll Meggett had connected with Martin McBride's corner in the 34th minute, debutant Montrose goalkeeper Ramiro Gonzalez punching off the line.

But an indentical delivery found the same player a minute later and this time his header flew into the net.

Montrose had had a definite penalty turned down earlier in the half when the goalscorer had tripped Paul Tosh in the box, but otherwise Montrose had offered little.

The second half was a slower affair, and Queen's Park created the bulk of the chances. Montrose struggled to find their rhythym, and key players Aaron Sinclair and Paul Tosh were largely anonymous.

Queen's Park put the result beyond doubt in the last 10 minutes, Paul McGinn cutting into the box from the left wing and hammering a shot across Gonzalez and into the far side of the net.

It was no less than the visitors deserved.

Montrose have picked up one point from the last nine, and need to begin demonstrating the ability that the squad is undoubtedly capable of.

Man of the Match: No genuine contenders from the home side, and too many players didn't turn up today. Stephen McNally, playing in central midfield, showed occasional flashes of inspiration, but disappeared for most of the second half. I'll go with Sean Crighton, who gave a no-nonsense defensive performance despite playing at right back instead of his normal centre back.

Fox In The Box

From ex-Celtic player Danny Fox's Wikipedia entry.

Season 2010/2011: Match 14: Montrose v Berwick Rangers

There are some days when the build-up to a football match is less than inspiring.

It's been raining in Angus for the best part of 24 hours, and the fixtures at Forfar and Montrose were postponed as a result.

But Montrose have a green carpet instead of a pitch, and their encounter with Berwick beat the weather.

Only 301 hardy souls ventured out for the match, and the first half was nearly as dreich as the weather.

Referee Eddie Smith was at least partly responsible for that, failing to award a penalty and instead booking Conor Thomson for a dive when the young striker was clattered by Steven Notman in the 20th minute.

The second half was better entertainment, Paul Tosh putting Montrose ahead from the penalty spot after Jamie Ewart handled in the box.

Montrose's lead lasted only nine minutes, Craig O'Reilly heading the ball over Sandy Wood to level the scores.

Tosh could have snatched a winner deep into second half injury time, sliding in to connect with Thomson's pass but poking the ball wide of the post.

A decent performance from Montrose, although there were too many fouls and too many stray passes for them to look properly threatening. Ross McCord, Hugh Davidson, Paul Tosh and Conor Thomson all looked dangerous in short spells, but never all at the same time.

Man of the match: Hugh Davidson was probably the pick of the bunch for Montrose, looking calm in an occasionally heated midfield battle. He looked confident on the ball and sprayed some decent passes during the course of the afternoon.

Season 2010/2011: Match 13: Montrose v Clyde

Back in September, Montrose trounced Clyde 8-1 at Links Park when the visitors had two men sent off.

The chances of a repeat this weekend were always very slim, but Montrose's fans were still confident of a win over Division Three's basement boys.

It all looked very unlikely in the first half when Clyde came roaring out of the traps. If they could have finished their chances, they'd easily have been three or more ahead at the break.

Ultimately though, it was only one goal that separated the two sides at half time, and that strike came three minutes into stoppage time. Montrose's marking was atrocious, and Marc McCusker had time and space to turn in the box and slam a shot beyond Sandy Wood.

Thankfully for those of us of a blue persuasion, it took only two minutes of the second half for Montrose to equalise. Ross McCord was tripped in the box and Paul Tosh made no mistakes from the spot.

Montrose were further ahead nine minutes later when McCord curled a corner to the near post and Sean Crighton (who otherwise had a match to forget) bulleted a header into the net.

The result was put beyond doubt nine minutes from time when Stephen McNally burst forward, stumbled through a challenge and slipped the ball to Boyle, who had the simple task of firing the ball into the empty net.

To fall back on a cliche, it was a game of two halves - Montrose were dire in the first and would have had no complaints had they found themselves several goals down at the break. But there was a fire about them in the second, and they looked far more confident and dangerous.

If they can play as they did in the second half more often, Montrose have the makings of a good side. But if they continue to make mistakes as they did in the first half, they'll struggle against better sides than Clyde.

Man of the Match: No real contenders from the first period, although Sandy Wood did well to keep Clyde at bay until the third minute of stoppage time. They were much better in the second, and Paul Tosh, Stephen McNally, Ross McCord and Wood again all had a great closing 45 minutes. But for his work rate and never-say-die attitude, Martin Boyle, introduced as a half time substitute, gets my nod this week.

Season 2010/2011: Match 12: Montrose v Annan Athletic

Any football team missing its most creative midfield player and top goalscorer through illness is going to struggle.

Add in an injured centre back and a suspended right back and the team in question would normally be written off before the match has even kicked off.

Especially when that team is Montrose, a side well-versed in the art of taking mediocrity to ever more mediocre non-heights.

But inexplicably, Montrose were half decent yesterday despite missing Ross McCord, Paul Tosh, Steven Tweed and Chris Hegarty.

Neither side offered much in the way of genuine attacking threat, but both Montrose and Annan approached the match with a great degree of gusto.

Annan wanted to hammer the ball into the net from 40 yards, Bryan Gilfillan frequently testing Sandy Wood from long range. Montrose were more focused on getting the ball in front of Martin Boyle and Conor Thomson, but what the two youngsters offer in pace they perhaps lack in composure.

The match appeared to be petering out into a 0-0 draw when Kevin Neilson rose in the 92nd minute to connect with a deep cross, head the ball back across Wood and into the bottom corner.

It was harsh on Montrose, who were worth at least a point.

Annan should only have had 10 men on the park at that point, Peter Watson incredibly lucky to avoid a straight red card for shoving Hugh Davidson to the ground after a heavy challenge.

There were positives for Montrose despite the result, and last season they might have lost this match 3-0. Mid-table obscurity may be the best the side can hope for this season, but that's a significant improvement for last season's Worst Team In Scotland.

Friday Ten: My 10 Rangers Cult Heroes

And no, cult isn't a mistype before I get any smart-ass comments.

 

I'm currently reading a book called Rangers Cult Heroes that mysteriously deems John Greig (European trophy-winning captain, 20 years at Rangers as a player, later manager and club director), Ally McCoist (all-time club top goalscorer. Current assistant manager and manager-elect) and Jim Baxter (widely regarded as one of the most talented players in Rangers and Scotland history) to be cult heroes.

 

So here's my own personal alternative list:

 

1: Mark Walters - When I first became properly interested in football, Walters was the Ibrox wing king. Fast and creative, he was in the first Rangers team I ever saw in the flesh.

 

2: Rino Gattuso - In his days before becoming a World Cup and Champions League-winning dynamo in the heart of the AC Milan midfield, Rino Gattuso was a terrier as Rangers missed out on 10-in-a-row at the final hurdle.

 

3: Terry Hurlock - With long greasy hair and vaseline on his eyebrows, Terry Hurlock looked more like a wrestler when he entered the field of play. Anyone described as a "Millwall hardman" is going to add substantial grit to a team. I think that to this day, Mither thinks his name was Terry Warlock.

 

4: Dale Gordon - Scored twice on his Rangers debut, joining the nine-in-a-row squad during its unchallenged superiority, and managed to score a fair few goals despite competing for them with Messrs McCoist and Hateley.

 

5: Pieter Huistra - Effectively forced out of Ibrox by the arrival of Brian Laudrup, Huistra was another foreign-born wing wizard. Five league medals, two league cup medals and a Scottish Cup medal tell their own story, but many was the hour I spent in the garden attempting to teach myself to turn with the ball like Huistra did.

 

6: Charlie Adam - Fat, slow, not overly disposed to defensive duties, loathe to track back. Possessor of a powerful shot and capable of scoring spectacular goals. Charlie Adam is my most recently departed cult hero thanks to the fact that he is the professional football player I am currently closest to resembling.

 

7: Jorg Albertz - The Hammer. Everything that made Albertz a crowd favourite at Ibrox was packed into that steamhammer left peg. I remember seeing an unfortunate East Fife defender take an Albertz free kick in the balls from 10 yards, and heard the whole ground groan on his behalf.

 

8: Alan McGregor - Still at Ibrox, but I think that of all the current Ibrox players, Shagger has the most unique bond. He features frequently in the tabloid gossip columns, and my favourite McGregor moment came as he took to the field at Tannadice for a match with Dundee Utd and greeted the chants of "Shagger, Shagger gies a wave" with a subtle nod of the head.

 

9: Nacho Novo - There's only one Nacho Novo - famously turned down the chance to sign for Celtic and became an immediate Ibrox favourite as a result. Scored a barrowload of goals in a Rangers team that was frequently uninspiring. And he sings The Bouncy in a heavy Spanish accent.

 

10: Maurice Johnston - My first favourite Rangers player. Probably the most controversial player in the club's history. But I didn't fully understand the religious overtones (or that his time as an ex-Celtic player counted against him). I was gutted when he was packed off to Everton to make way for the McCoist-Hateley partnership.

Season 2010/2011: Match 11: Montrose v Dunfermline Athletic

Montrose really are one of the most perplexing sides in Scottish football.

Last week they were torn apart by Arbroath, losing five goals and two men at home in the Angus derby.

Yesterday they took the lead against full time opponents Dunfermline, failed to collapse as had been predicted and were unlucky to lose an equaliser.

It looked as though they were heading out of the Scottish Cup when Dunfermline went ahead with 10 minutes remaining, but Paul Tosh slammed home an injury time equaliser to book a replay at East End Park.

Before the match, I thought Montrose would lose at least six goals. But they played well, limiting Dunfermline to long range efforts and attempts from corners.

When they took the lead, it was well deserved, Tosh racing onto a through ball before turning the ball into the bottom corner. They then defended excellently until 17 minutes from the end, and Sandy Wood was unlucky to be beaten by Patrick Clarke's long range effort.

Montrose heads could have gone down when Andy Kirk was quickest to react when David Graham's free kick clattered off the far post to poke the ball over the line.

But Tosh sent the Montrose fans home happy, taking a touch outside the box after Stephen McNally's long throw had been cleared and thumping the ball into the roof of the net.

Steven Tweed had probably his best game in a Montrose shirt, leading the line with authority. Sandy Wood was desperately unlucky with both goals. Ross McCord was combative and creative in midfield. And Paul Tosh showed the younger and supposedly better strikers on the park how to be an effective target man, constantly creating space for himself and others around him.

If Montrose could play like that every week, they'd be romping Division Three. But they don't, and recent league performances have been barely deserving of mid-table mediocrity.

Maybe the times they are a'changing....

Man of the Match: For generally making a nuisance of himself, for running around non-stop despite his advancing years and for two great finishes to keep Montrose in the cup, it can only been Paul Tosh.