Season 2010/2011: Match 4: Montrose v Clyde

Every so often, you get a football game that defies all logic.

Montrose were the worst team in the Scottish Football League last season. Not only did they finish bottom of the bottom division, but they really were awful for most of the season.

Clyde also had a poor season and found themselves relegated from the Second Division.

In theory, a relegated team should be able to assert itself as one of the top sides in its new division the following season. But Clyde haven't been able to do that, and today's match at Links Park was between the two sides propping up all of Scotland's 'professional' teams.

Not so much clash of the titans as clash of the tits, today's match had ineptitude written all over it before kick-off.

The opening spell of the first half mostly involved Clyde attacking and Montrose defending in their usual haphazard style. Little of note happened until midway through the first half when Clyde's Graham Girvan chopped down Aaron Sinclair on the edge of the box as the young winger was bearing down on goal. The Clyde man was shown a straight red card, but Ross McCord thumped the resultant free kick against the crossbar.

Having a numerical advantage should have counted in Montrose's favour, but those of us who subject ourselves to Links Park on a frequent basis know better than to assume Montrose are capable of making the best of any given situation.

But even the pessimists amongst us were given cause to look on the bright side just two minutes after Girvan's red card when he was joined in the early bath by Ross McMillan.

In one of the strangest episodes I've ever seen in football, McMillan hacked down Paul Tosh as the striker was preparing to shoot from near the penalty spot. Referee Des Roache initially booked Tosh for diving and awarded Clyde a free kick, but after consulting with his linesman decided to rescind the yellow card, show McMillan a red and award a penalty.

Tosh slammed the ball into the bottom corner and Montrose never looked back. McCord added a second with a header 10 minutes later to given Montrose a two-goal lead at the break.

With a two-goal and two-man advantage, Montrose were clearly going to have to implode in fairly spectacular fashion to come away from the match empty-handed. For once, they didn't, and spent the second half ripping into Clyde with clearly gleeful abandon.

Conor Thomson scored a deflected third, his shot looping over John Charles Hutchison's head and over the line. Tosh finished his hat-trick with two goals in as many minutes just after the hour mark, poking home a Watson free kick and slamming a Hegarty corner into the net from inside the box.

Martin Boyle, introduced as a substitute 30 seconds earlier, raced into the box in the 70th minute and cracked a low shot into the goal, then McCord scored an audacious goal in the 72nd minute, picking up the ball on the edge of the area and sending a bullet shot across the box and into the top corner.

Clyde did score a consolation goal in the 81st minute, Neil McGowan scoring a weak header where Montrose goalkeeper Scott Bennett should have done better.

Montrose completed the rout when they scored their eighth in the 83rd minute, Watson blasting a 40-yard shot into the top corner.

So, Montrose 8 (EIGHT) Clyde 1. Montrose move off the bottom of the table and Clyde reach a new low (both on and off the park).

The early sendings off obviously changed the game immeasurably, but Montrose played well while Clyde were horrendous. Their players were guilty all too often of standing and watching as Montrose passed around them, and at least three of the goals could have been prevented by players being alert enough to close down attackers (or mark Montrose's centre forward).

Perhaps most surprisingly, Chris Hegarty didn't pick up even a booking in a match that saw two red cards and six yellows.

Man of the Match: Plenty of candidates in the Montrose ranks. Ross McCord was an attacking livewire throughout and was unlucky not to score a hat-trick. Aaron Sinclair's pace caused problems in the Clyde ranks, particularly after the red cards. Stephen McNally had a great game in central midfield. But the obvious recipient is Paul Tosh, who banged in a hat-trick with composure from the spot and two well taken striker's goals.

The Who?

I know I've written (groaned) about this before, but it's becoming increasingly apparent to me that I'm falling further and further out of touch with music.

 

Today I was filling out a survey for NME, and one of the questions was "What is your favourite band in the world today?".

 

I assumed that the question meant a band still plying their trade, still recording albums, still touring.

 

Which immediately ruled out my three favourite bands - The Beatles, The Stone Roses and Oasis.

 

I could have said The Rolling Stones, but they haven't exactly been prolific in releasing classic albums during my lifetime.

 

AC/DC might actually count, but they slipped my mind at the time.

 

In the end I opted for Super Furry Animals. Whose debut album was released in the mid-1990s and whose best album, Radiator, came out in 1997.

 

I could easily have gone for Doves or Elbow, if I'd remembered them before the Super Furries (the fact that I was listening to a SFA bootleg at the time may have had an impact on my decision.

 

But for a few minutes I couldn't even think of ONE band I'd regard as my current favourite.

 

Radiohead? Meh, patchy and a little bit too wanky to be a proper favourite.

 

The White Stripes? Great singles but average albums.

 

The Libertines? Are they properly back together again or was Reading/Leeds just a one-off?

 

And so many of my other favourites have gone - The Cooper Temple Clause, Supergrass, The Doors, The Smiths, The Jam, Black Sabbath.

 

How many acts in the average issue of NME have I even heard of, let alone do I like? A tiny portion.

 

Which comes as a great disappointment. I always thought that by now I'd be in a fairly high up position at NME, having made my name as one of the best music writers of my generation. I know there are hundreds or thousands of journalists who can say the same, but I genuinely thought I had a chance. My music reviews while I was at university were good enough to get me onto the shortlist for the 2001 Guardian Student Critic of the Year award.

 

I assumed that bigger and better things were just around the corner, and that by the time I turned 30 I'd have interviewed Oasis, spent time hanging out with The Cooper Temple Clause and would have written the definitive review of Elbow's mid-career masterpiece.

 

But now I have an attic full of CDs that never get played because they're on my iPod and I write about boats for a living.

 

Which is a slightly different path to the one I imagined I'd walk when I was 21.

Assisted

Note to members of shop staff: if I approach the counter of your emporium holding items and my debit card, this should be taken as a sign that I have decided what to buy and am ready to pay.

I do not require several minutes of "jaunty" banter on the merits of my purchases, nor on the weather or the quality of music on the radio.

Just let me pay for my stuff and leave.

Thank you.

Season 2010/2011: Match 3: Montrose v Annan Athletic

After last week's destruction of Arbroath, it was maybe expecting a bit much that Montrose could continue that form into a match with league leaders Annan today.

Montrose aren't a great side - we know that from last season. But they were unexpectedly brilliant last week, ripping their local rivals apart in a fantastic first half.

There were occasional glimpses of that side again, Steven Tweed having fielded an unchanged starting eleven. But there was none of the ostentatious finishing that destroyed Arbroath a week ago, none of the expolsive finishing and none of the streaking into an unassailable first half lead.

Montrose's goal came from the penalty spot after Fraser Milligan won a pretty soft penalty after a tangle with Jordon Halsman. Paul Tosh stepped up to slam the ball into the bottom corner and bag his third goal of the season.

It was from open play that Montrose were more disappointing, failing to gel the way they had so easily a week ago.

Annan should have taken all three points from a strong second half. Bryan Gilfillan scored from a David Cox corner just after the hour mark and could have added a second in identical circumstances two minutes later. In the last few seconds a Cox corner across the face of goal was begging to be tapped home, but none of the visitors from the Borders was able to add the finishing touch.

So, Montrose have four points from as many matches, which is a considerable improvement on the disaster that was 2009/2010. We're midtable(ish) and back below Arbroath, so this weekend hasn't been entirely productive. But at least we're not bottom....yet....

Man of the Match: No outstanding candidates from Montrose, again contrasting with last week. Scott Bennett had a nerve-wracking flap for all 90 minutes in goal and Milligan couldn't find space to wreak havoc like he did against Arbroath. My vote goes to Chris Hegarty, who looked the most of the Montrose players when he had the ball.

Season 2010/2011: Match 2: Montrose v Arbroath

Having endured the umpteenth circle of hell that was Montrose's horrendous 2009/2010 Division Three campaign, those of us who valiantly venture to Links Park every other Saturday could be forgiven for allowing a cloud of misery to descend upon us as the team lost its first two matches of the season.

 

Planted firmly at the bottom of the bottom league, having spent almost the entirety of the previous season there, there was little reason to be hopeful ahead of the first league derby with Arbroath in three seasons. Their newly-relegated squad contains players of the calibre of Danny Griffin, Jim Hamilton and former Montrose skipper Keith Gibson. On paper, it was no contest.

 

But matches aren't played on paper - they're actually played on whatever-it-is-they-call-Astroturf-nowadays.

 

Greeted by a crowd of 1,012 (I still suspect some creative accounting may have been involved in that figure) that was segregated to stop the less intellectually stable amongst us from battering each other, Montrose ripped into their visitors right from the off. Fraser Milligan gave Mark McCulloch a roasting at left back, and his cross was cut out by one of Arbroath's lumpen centre backs. Aaron Sinclair whipped the corner to the back post where Alan Campbell met it and sent a bullet header across goal. Arbroath's Josh Falkingham claimed to have prevented the ball crossing the line, but if he did it was with his hand. Regardless of his protestations, the linesman awarded the goal.

 

Displaying a hitherto unknown confidence, Montrose continued to keep the visitors penned in, and it was from another corner that they added a second goal within 10 minutes of the first. Connor Thomson sent a short ball to Chris Hegarty, who had time and space to pick his spot before lashing an unstoppable shot into the top corner from 25 yards out. He and most of his team-mates then set off on an ill-advised celebratory run round the back of the goal net, much to the chagrin of the Arbroath fans assembled at the beach end. One fine specimen of Arbroath inbreeding jumped the wall to engage Hegarty and Co in a lively debate into the merits of their celebration, but was apprehended by Tayside's finest upon returning to his vantage point. The involvement of the boys in blue (or high-visibility yellow at least) almost threatened to start a melee, but some of the trainee brain surgeons decked out in maroon clearly thought better of spending the remainder of their day in the Montrose cells.

 

By half time the match was all but over, Montrose adding a third goal just after the half hour mark. Former Arbroath "star" Paul Tosh curled an outrageous shot with the outside of his boot/blootered the ball with his toe* and watched it sail into the top corner.

 

The second half was less one-sided, Arbroath introducing nippy wee winger David Dimilta at half time. His runs caused a few problems for the home side, but they hung on to claim their first win of the season.

 

Inspiring stuff, and certainly a performance to remember from a Montrose side that may now be finding its feet after a torrid couple of years. Last season Montrose could and probably would have lost even after taking a three-goal lead into the break, but that never looked likely on Saturday. Onwards and upwards.....

 

*Delete according to preference

 

Man of the Match: A few good contenders in the Montrose ranks, including the lively Aaron Sinclair and Connor Thomson. But for me it was Fraser Milligan who stood out the furthest, his constant runs causing headaches in the Arbroath defence for the full 90 minutes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Washing Machine Seizure

Washing machine vs brick.

Brick wins.

Boardwalk Empire

A good reason to get Sky this autumn - it's just bought up the rights to all HBO programmes, including Martin  Scorsese's Boardwalk Empire -  which, without a scrap of evidence, I am willing to be will be one of the greatest TV shows of all time.

 

Most of my favourite shows of the past few years have originated from across the Atlantic - True Blood, Lost, 24, Fringe, Band of Brothers and The Wire amongst them. And that's discounting The Sopranos, which I own on DVD but have yet to watch.

 

What is it has made the past few years a golden period for US television, especially when compared to output from the UK? The only home-grown drama series that I can think of that have been up with the best of US programmes are Spooks (on its good days) and The Take. I also like the Australian drama Underbelly, recently shown on STV.

 

Am I missing any? And can anyone give me an answer? I suppose it comes down to budget constraints, but is there more to it than that?

Friday Ten - My Ten Favourite Movie Characters

1: Darth Vader (Star Wars / The Empire Strikes Back / Return Of The Jedi / Revenge Of The Sith)

 

2: Tommy DeVito (Goodfellas)

 

3: Joker (The Dark Knight)

 

4: Doctor Emmett Brown (Back To The Future / Back To The Future II / Back To The Future III)

 

5: Walter Sobchak (The Big Lebowski)

 

6: Doctor Peter Venkman (Ghostbusters / Ghostbusters II)

 

7: Doctor Henry "Indiana" Jones (Raiders Of The Lost Ark / Indiana Jones and The Temple Of Doom / Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade / Indiana Jones and The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull)

 

8: Michael Corleone (The Godfather / The Godfather: Part II / The Godfather: Part III)

 

9: Gunnery Sergeant Hartman (Full Metal Jacket)

 

10: Tony Montana (Scarface)

 

Season 2010/2011: Match 1: Montrose v Livingston

Two days after the World Cup ended with Andres Iniesta's goal and tears from Casillas and Sneijder, I attended what is my first match of the 2010/2011 season.

 

OK, officially it was a pre-season match, but the important aspect is that this was PRE-season, not POST-season. The season may only just have finished for those Dutch and Spanish internationals, but over here in the Arctic wastelands of Northern Europe, it's once again time to launch ourselves off onto the merry-go-round (or misery-go-round) that is Scottish football.

 

And so last night I found myself inside the North Sea Nou Camp to watch Montrose's second pre-season match of the summer (they lost 3-1 to Raith Rovers on Saturday, when I was freezing my bollocks off at T In The Park).

 

The visitors were well-known to Gable Endies fans, having been crowned Division Three champions just two months ago and having ended their campaign with a comprehensive shoeing of Montrose. Montrose named a 20-man squad for yesterday's match, starting with one trialist at left wing and four more on the bench.

 

Livi deserved their 3-0 win, but Montrose didn't just roll over and let the visitors tickle their bellies. Chris Hegarty came close with a few long-range efforts, making former Mo keeper Tony Bullock work for his money. New signing Terry Masson looked impressive in midfield for the home side, his neat passing working well alongside the combativeness of Hugh "Scoob" Davidson and Chris "Red card magnet" Hegarty.

 

The trialist on the left wing, whose name I don't know, was completely useless, which no doubt means that Steven Tweed will snap him up immediately. Another one, introduced as a second half sub, looked like Kyle Lafferty and was about as useful (I don't intend that as a compliment).

 

Aside from Livi's three goals, the personal highlights for me were seeing Sean Crighton almost kill a flying seagull while returning the ball in the warm-up (the bird wobbled a bit before flying on) and seeing Cammy MacDonald continue his progress through the Livingston ranks - we briefly trained together for an Argyll amateur side a few years back when Cammy was just 17. I'm sure I taught him everything he needs to know to make a go of things in the professional game.

 

I'm sure it goes without saying that by the end of the match it was absolutely freezing. In July. Which bodes well for midweek evening kick-offs in February.

Greeting-Faced Scouse Twat

Steven Gerrard has told Liverpool's website: "There is no way I want the disappointment of the Germany game to be my last."

 

I don't think he has anything to fear - there's no way the Germany game will be his last England-related disappointment.

The Groanin' Jock Book Club

AKA what I've been reading recently.

 

Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell

Excellent novel tying together a number of lives from Victorian times to a post-apocalytpic future. Easily the best book I read in 2009, it made me hungry to read more of Mitchell's work.

 

Friends Like These - Danny Wallace
Entertaining tale told in Wallace's light-hearted, chatty style. A quick read, and one never destined to sit amongst the great literay tomes of our age, but an enjoyable diversion. Wallace finds an address book from his childhood and attempts to track down everyone listed in it.

 

The Colour of Magic - Terry Pratchett
My first foray into the Discworld, this was the the fourth Terry Pratchett novel I read, after the Gnomes trilogy back when I was at primary school. The most obvious comparison I can think of is with The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy, with the same style of off-centre humour and blend of madcap imagination. I'll be back for more.

 

One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest - Ken Kesey
One of the classics of 20th century literature. I've not yet seen the film, and I'm glad to have read the novel first. Frequently hilarious and ultimately heartbreaking, McMurphy and the Big Nurse are two of the most finely-crafted characters I can remember from my 26 years of reading.

 

As Easy As Pi: Stuff About Numbers That Isn't (Just) Maths - Jamie Buchan
An interesting and entertaining look at the world of numbers and the world in numbers. Explores the history of our numbering system as well as real-life examples of where arithemtic and maths play an important, if unseen, part.

 

'78 - How A Nation Lost The World Cup - Graham McColl
Interesting account of Scotland's ill-fated 1978 World Cup campaign. Lacked insight from some of the key figures, most notably the late Ally McLeod. It would also have been interesting to hear the views of Graeme Souness, who barely featured in the three group stage matches, and Derek Johnstone, who didn't play at all despite having enjoyed a tremendous season with Rangers in the run up to the campaign.

 

The Light Fantastic - Terry Pratchett
I didn't enjoy the second Discworld novel as much as the first - it didn't seem to have the same sparkle as the first. It was still a good read, but I'd have liked to have seen more character development and a different story. I still have high hopes for the series though, which I'm way behind the rest of the world in reading.

 

Empire - Niall Ferguson
Thorough account of the rise and fall of the British Empire. Covers Britain's rise from an "archipelago of rainy islands off the north-west coast of Europe" to ruling the world. The reasons behind the growth of the empire, the conditions that made it possible and the events that brought its demise are all explored in incredible detail. An excellent read.

 

The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
Recommended by a friend of Mrs Wife's, my impression of this short novel was that it wasn't as clever as it, or its author, purported to be. Diverting enough in its own way, tracking an elderly New Yorker's journey to heaven after dying in an accident, but not as good as I'd hoped.

 

How To Be Idle - Tom Hodgkinson
A slacker's handbook, this book acts as a guidebook on how to live a life of little exertion, outlining the perfect lazy day, how to achieve it and why a 9-to-5 life goes against human nature. Interesting in places, its dry style eventually resulted in boredom.

 

Garden Of Beasts - Jeffrey Deaver
Fast-paced and entertaining pre-World War Two thriller that combined espionage, an American hitman and the 1936 Berlin Olympics, as well as cameo appearances from Jesse Owen, Himmler, Goring, Goebbels and even Hitler himself. The first book I read while on holiday in Benidorm, this proved to be a highly entertaining read.

 

Twilight - Stephenie Meyer
Not as good as I was expecting, this was my entry point into the Twilight fever that seems to have gripped the world. I'm a sucker for a modern-day vampire story, but Twilight too often descended into rambling monologues where Bella waxed lyrical about how beautiful Edward's pale skin and copper eyes were. Decent enough, just a little drippy for my tastes.

 

Pig Island - Mo Hayder
Another thriller, this one was set in Mid Argyll, an area I know well having lived there for nearly three years. This gave the book a lot of local character from my point of view, but too often Hayder made factual errors that I couldn't forgive. Taking these errors out of the equation (even if it is hard to accept that she frequently misspelled Crinan and referred to Inverar(a)y as being some kind of major shopping centre), this was a good read, with some interesting twists.

 

The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
I'd never read any of Fitzgerald's work before, and I'm not sure I will again after reading The Great Gatsby. I'm not sure what I expected from the book, but it failed to deliver much in the way of genuine plot until near its end.

 

Shakespeare - Bill Bryson
Attempting to deconstruct the myth that is William Shakespeare, Bryson eschews anything that can't be proven through reliable sources. Which doesn't leave much in the way of concrete facts, but this was nonetheless a very entertaining and informative look at the world's most famous writer.

 

Nineteen Eighty-Four - George Orwell
Another classic, and another that left me pondering. Perhaps because its language and messages have passed into common use (Room 101, Big Brother et al), but I was left feeling that I already knew the story of Winston's battle with the powers of Ingsoc. It remains, however, one of the high water marks in 20th Century fiction.

 

Hand Of God: The Life Of Diego Maradona - Jimmy Burns
The (very) unauthorised life story of the world's greatest ever footballer. This book was published almost a decade ago, and as a result doesn't cover El Diego's return from the wilderness to become manager of his beloved Argentina. A mesmerising tale of a chubby urchin blessed with incredible gifts for football and self-destruction. There are very strong parallels with the biography of Michael Jackson I read last year - the flawed genius for whom fame was both a friend and a foe.

Telling It Like It Is

Click on the picture to biggify it.

Bongo Bongoland....

....and the Former Soviet Republic of Bulimia.

 

Not the fevered imaginings of Herge in his Tin-Tin books, nor countries peopled by Enid Blyton's folk of the Faraway Tree.

 

Nope, these lands are mentioned in a letter published in the Daily Mail on June 9, 2010.

 

The Daily Mail readership - almost beyond parody.

Head In The (Oil)Sand

As a market analyst working in the oil industry, I'm on BP's press releases mailing list.

 

This afternoon, I received the following release - note especially the headline:

 

BP is Not Aware of Any Reason for Share Price Movement

 

BP notes the fall in its share price in US trading last night. The company is not aware of any reason which justifies this share price movement.
BP continues to keep the market updated on the Gulf of Mexico oil spill through regular announcements. The response to this incident is our top priority.

 

BP faces this situation as a strong company. In March, we indicated that the company's cash inflows and outflows were balanced at an oil price of around $60/barrel. This was before the costs of the incident.

 

Under the current trading environment, we are generating significant additional cash flow. In addition, our gearing is currently below the bottom of our targeted range. Our asset base is strong and valuable, with more than 18bn barrels of proved reserves and 63bn barrels of resources as at the end of 2009. All of the above gives us significant capacity and flexibility in dealing with the cost of responding to the incident, the environmental remediation and the payment of legitimate claims.

 

BP will continue to keep the market fully informed of further developments in the response to the Gulf of Mexico oil spill, in compliance with its listing obligations.

 

Does anyone want to give them a hint as to the reasons for their "share price movement"? (That's a polite euphemism by the way - BP's share price has fallen 32 per cent in the past month).

 

Subtle hint to BP - if you're responsible for the worst oil spill in history, don't pretend you're "not aware" of its impact on your share price.

All Work And No Play

In this month's issue of Four Four Two, I've just read the best description yet of New Labour drones/leadership contenders David and Ed Miliband:

"The frontrunners in their leadership race being a pair of brothers who make the twins in The Shining look like siblings you could enjoy a relaxed pint with".

BP's Forward Thinking

This is from a 1999 BP advert....

Mince

Click on the picture to make it bigger.

It Was 30 Years Ago Today (Volume II)

Happy Birthday to Mrs Wife, who's now as old as her husband.

City For Sale

The long-running battle over Aberdeen's proposed City Square development took another turn yesterday, with the city council voting in favour of allowing the plans to progress.

 

Those opposed to the development haven't taken it well, claiming that the process was undemocratic - despite the fact that the democratically-elected councillors voted on the proposal. Their claim is that the results of a public consultation - where a majority of a tiny proportion of the city's residents voted against the plans - were ignored.

 

As a result, one disenfranchised member of the electorate (who was probably also opposed to the Union Square development and will not doubt be campaigning vehemently against Donald Trump's golf course plans) has listed the city for sale on Ebay.

 

If you can't beat them, greet about it until the cows come home.

What's New?

Once again, I'm concerned at my recent music buying, and I'm becoming increasingly aware that I'm buying less and less new music.

The last ten albums I bought were:

The Black Keys - Attack & Release
Fleetwood Mac - Then Play On
Ultrasound - Everything Picture
The Highwaymen - The Highwayman Collection
John Mayall & The Blues Breakers - Blues Breakers With Eric Clapton
The Who - Who Are You
The Who - The Who By Numbers
Fairport Convention - Unhalfbricking
Gram Parsons - GP/Grievous Angel
Lee "Scratch" Perry - Soul Fire

Not one of them released this year. Only The Black Keys album was even released this century.

Am I losing my touch or spreading my roots further into classic blues, country, folk and reggae?